To really like being drunk?

[GrabtharsHammer]

I'm an alcoholic and I'm aiming for sobriety. I'm finding it really hard. I'm in two different groups (not AA, it's not for me). They dont expect abstinence straight away, it's more CBT based.

I've drunk a litre of vodka tonight and I love this feeling. I feel normal, if a bit buzzed.

I usually drink half a bottle of wine during the day so I can do the school run, I don't go in the playground in the morning so it's easier but I feel I need a drink to face the pick up. I'll then drink another bottle of wine in the evening. I don't really get hangovers but the financial hit is the main issue. Thatvand the fact my family hate it.

I crave sobriety. I love the idea. But I can't see how I can say goodbye to feeling like this ever again. Stone cold sober feels jagged and painful and it's not something I can imagine committing to.

Dh hates me drinking. He's exhausted this evening and wants to go to bed but won't leave me because I'm half cut and he doesn't trust I won't do anything silly (history of self harm and overdosing).

I won't, because I feel happy and chilled, but I want to stay up and watch shit telly. I'm basically ruining his life, and I know this, but I can't bear the idea that I'll never feel this way again.

We've tried having him control my drinking but it doesn't work. And I know from therapy that I have to control it myself or there's no point. But I feel like I'm stuck at a point. I know i need to stop drinking entirely but I'm scared.

I have bipolar 2 and BPD so my emotions are generally all over the place, and alcohol is like a comfort blanket.

The old adage about reaching rock bottom doesn't really apply because I've been there and life is generally good now. How on earth can I convince myself that alcohol is no good when it seems so nice?

I know, logically, that we'd be much richer and my health would improve, but I can't seem to take that step forward. I've done loads of paper exercises, like the costs and benefits scale and the hierarchy of values and all of that, but I can't seem to make it stick.
Am I just an awful person? Too selfish to quit?

It is possible to be a functioning alcoholic and raise children successfully, its just hard.

You will possibly hit rock bottom if he asks you to leave the family home?

I understand your addiction is so strong that at the present time you do not have the capacity to consider the damage you do to your family on a daily basis.

Is it an option for you to live elsewhere whilst you battle your alcoholism?

Op would you like to be your dh? Living in his shoes....... Your actions do impact your family every day.......you cannot be at your best

I don't believe in rock bottom either. If that had been the case I would have given up drink

Ok but she arrives home from school to you drunk though?

You need to get more help. My mum is an alcoholic and it has ruined my life. Please find another way.

I've been offered rehab but I think the hit would be worse for my family than anything else. The kids would have to live elsewhere, at either grandparents perhaps, and it would be hugely disruptive.

I basically just need to get my own head in the game before it's too late.

FYI using the word 'drunk' is irrelevant in this scenario, unless you clarify what you mean.

Oh love, it will be impacting the children- it really will.

Have you been offered DBT to help with emotional regulation? It sounds to me like the drinking is covering distress - it's not really sounding like you are just getting pissed and having fun.

I'm not drunk in the afternoons. I'm functioning better after half a bottle than I would be without. I know that's not right.

Your kids would benefit hugely from you going to rehab, you are making a massive excuse, which is understandable given your addiction but inexcusable.

Your situation will escalate it will not always be this easy to do as you are.

They don't do dbt here but I'm im a course called Stepps and stairways. It's helped a lot with a lot of my issues, I haven't cut for months for example, but although it touches on alcohol they're not really equipped for dealing with dual diagnoses.

Do whatever it takes in the short/medium term. It will be worth it for all of you.

Believe me the consequences for your family are far worse if you continue on the path you are on. Please get help, you have insight, you are damaging your children. My husband went into rehab when our DD was 18 months old. My family live overseas, it was so bloody hard. But not as hard as the alternative.

Maybe rehab would be the best place for you.

That's a shocking amount to be drinking over a few hours. It will kill you.

Do you want that for your kids and husband?

It will happen.

My father was an alcoholic. A loving man. Not physically abusive. Only now 10 years after his premature death (he died at the age of 45). Am I picking up all the issues it has caused me. I thought I coped well I thought I was normal. But my fathers alcholism has left me an absolute mess. So either you'll die early and fuck up yours kids or you stop being so fucking selfish and do something about it. I hated reading your post it was so me me me. selfish messed up. I feel sorry for your DH. I watched my mother suffer.

Do you think you could be self medicating for your bipolar/BPD? To get away from the feelings that your MH brings? Maybe you could visit your GP or local mental health services to try and get more help for your MH, and then maybe being sober won't feel quite so "jagged and painful".

Although it would be hard in the short-term for your kids if you went into rehab, I really think that it would be much better for them long term.

And I agree you are masking the pain, the distress. Your child will know you have been drinking, end of. It is damaging her.

I've been offered rehab but I think the hit would be worse for my family than anything else. The kids would have to live elsewhere, at either grandparents perhaps, and it would be hugely disruptive.

Not as disruptive as the way this will end up if you carry on like that ! If i were your husband I'd be doing everything thing possible to see that rehab happens being that much out of it is not normal and you know this.

You just want the mums-net posse to confirm that do you not?.

I basically just need to get my own head in the game before it's too late.

Yes you do - and do it now!

My mum is an alcoholic and has a miserable existence. It gave me a miserable existence growing up. My sister was an alcoholic. She died aged 36.

Please do whatever you need to do for your husband and children.

grabtharshammer don't you think rehab would be worth it? Kids can cope with a bit of disruption far better than decades of an alcoholic parent. And lets not ignore the fact that your drinking is at dangerous levels. Your drinking will be putting your life in danger- your kids could end up losing their mother. The amount you are currently drinking, I'm not a medical professional, but my understanding is that just going cold turkey without medical assistance would be extremely dangerous for you.

My mum was alcoholic and has MH problems. I was screwed up as a teenager (and beyond) not because she was a bad mother, but because she didn't notice what was going on in my life through the haze. I love her to bits, and she's been sober for 22 years now. She says that she became addicted to chocolate instead- it's less likely to kill you and doesn't affect your judgement! You will know, of course, that drinking will not help your MH problems one single teeny weeny tiny bit, although it might feel it does at times. Overall, the effect will be negative. Please get some help. If not for yourself, for your kids. If you've managed to get a grip on the cutting, which is a huge achievement, now might be a good time to start on the drinking

I've been sober for nearly 2 years. I used to drink over 100 units a week.

The Allen Carr book "How to control alcohol" really helped me. It is designed to remove the desire to drink.

You're not really enjoying the drink per se, you're enjoying removing the craving. And the sugar hit I suppose.
For people like us, OP, alcohol is a progressive illness and it's only a matter of time until you end up mad, dead or in prison. The alternative is to quit.

Wishing you all the best. Choose a future. I chose to live. And it's a happy, fulfilling life. Without "the fear", without falling over, embarrassing myself, wasting my time and money. You get the picture.

Are you in therapy?

I've had issues with drugs/alcohol/eating disorder in the past.

I read something once that said something along the lines of referring to alcoholism was like calling and chest infection antibiocticism.

In other words, drinking isn't the problem as such, it's the solution to someething else that troubles you.

I'm sorry about your diagnoses, are you still getting support?

I have had really successful therapy for past traumas (now ongoing for childhood trauma) and my issues with wanting to drink and enjoying being drunk were resolved when the trauma was.

I wish you lots of luck.

mummywasasecretdrinker.blogspot.co.uk/?m=1 good blog here about middle class parental boozing and giving it all up.

Please do what it takes to stop drinking. Don't cut down, stop.
You'll sleep better, lose weight, look younger (better than Botox), save money... sober mum blog outlines all the benefits. You can do it!!

Please do whatever you need to do for your husband and children.

Well, yes. But please get the help you need for yourself. Regardless of what your DH and DC decide to do, you're the person you will have to live with until you die.

Keep trying, keep getting help. Don't give up, don't give in. If you do, start again.

And keep working to understand why alcohol is the only thing that seems to give you the feeling you crave. What feeling is that? The buzz? Or oblivion?