To really like being drunk?

[GrabtharsHammer]

I'm an alcoholic and I'm aiming for sobriety. I'm finding it really hard. I'm in two different groups (not AA, it's not for me). They dont expect abstinence straight away, it's more CBT based.

I've drunk a litre of vodka tonight and I love this feeling. I feel normal, if a bit buzzed.

I usually drink half a bottle of wine during the day so I can do the school run, I don't go in the playground in the morning so it's easier but I feel I need a drink to face the pick up. I'll then drink another bottle of wine in the evening. I don't really get hangovers but the financial hit is the main issue. Thatvand the fact my family hate it.

I crave sobriety. I love the idea. But I can't see how I can say goodbye to feeling like this ever again. Stone cold sober feels jagged and painful and it's not something I can imagine committing to.

Dh hates me drinking. He's exhausted this evening and wants to go to bed but won't leave me because I'm half cut and he doesn't trust I won't do anything silly (history of self harm and overdosing).

I won't, because I feel happy and chilled, but I want to stay up and watch shit telly. I'm basically ruining his life, and I know this, but I can't bear the idea that I'll never feel this way again.

We've tried having him control my drinking but it doesn't work. And I know from therapy that I have to control it myself or there's no point. But I feel like I'm stuck at a point. I know i need to stop drinking entirely but I'm scared.

I have bipolar 2 and BPD so my emotions are generally all over the place, and alcohol is like a comfort blanket.

The old adage about reaching rock bottom doesn't really apply because I've been there and life is generally good now. How on earth can I convince myself that alcohol is no good when it seems so nice?

I know, logically, that we'd be much richer and my health would improve, but I can't seem to take that step forward. I've done loads of paper exercises, like the costs and benefits scale and the hierarchy of values and all of that, but I can't seem to make it stick.
Am I just an awful person? Too selfish to quit?

It's lovely to hear from fellow AA members on this thread. (Waves!) I tried all sorts of techniques to stop drinking. None of them worked apart from AA. AA demands ruthless honesty and an all or nothing approach. I heartily endorse it. What seemed like quasi religious mumbo jumbo at first became a satisfying and coherent philosophy that got me sober.

But it only works if you are desperate. You have to be prepared to go to any lengths, and you're nowhere near this, are you?

It's not your fault that you're an alcoholic. What's your fault is realizing you're an alcoholic and doing nothing about it. It doesn't sound to me as though you're sincere or committed about the therapy you're undergoing.

Sorry, NellPotter, but I've never heard that exercise is effective against raging alcoholism. Drunks as far along as the OP will go on drinking until it either kills them or, if they've any sense, they'll enter specialized treatment for alcoholism, whether rehab, regular meetings or both.

I did both. Having got sober I would rather die than drink again. Every good thing in my life is built on my sobriety. My relationships are open and loving. I have my self-respect.

OP, you fear life will never be enjoyable again without the litre or so of vodka you've put down your neck. It can be far more enjoyable. It seems you're getting away with murder. But I'd imagine your life might take a downward turn at any moment. I'd be surprised if your DH puts up with your dangerous drinking forever. You're putting your DC in harm's way. If he calls a halt your house of cards will come tumbling down. I hope, for everyone's sake, that he acts decisively and soon.

Oh dear. I hope you can change this path you are on, as you will take, no, drag, those that love you down that road too. Without their consent. mainly.

I agree with what Prawn just said in that it's time for an all or nothing approach with the drink but it only works if you are desperate and you clearly aren't there yet. What might it take to make you desperate? For your DH to walk away and refuse to come back until you stop?

I think your biggest problem ATM is that your DH is being far too nice and patient with you. He is doing it because he knows you are ill but he needs to rein in his sympathy a bit because it's doing you no favours and enabling you.

You seem to be so secure and comfortable in the knowledge that he is calm, supportive, non judgemental but you are like a child with a soft parent who pushes and pushes to see where the boundaries are, and ATM you don't seem to think there are any.

It's a test isn't it? You can't quite believed you lucked out with him against all the odds so part of me wonders if you are almost doing this on purpose just to see how far you can push him before he snaps he breaks. Then you can prove to yourself that you were shit and bad and out of control and unloveable and a giant walking fuck up all along. He rescued you and you had a few years of normal and now you are trying to prove to yourself and everyone else that you aren't capable of normal and it was always just s matter of time before you reverted to type.

You are always so vocal about and proud of the fact that you sort of won yourself this fantastic decent man who is a truly prize among men. It's like you need to pinch yourself to make sure it's real. But you don't believe you deserve him deep down, do you? You seem intent on proving that and I don't think you are going to stop until you've broken him. Then you might get that jolt you need to be able to start earning him back. Or you might not. It might be too late, but hey you'll have proved your point, won't you?

You say your biggest fear is that he will leave you but you must know that if you carry on then eventually that will happen?

I think you should take the rehab. You gave up booze for a while before and talked at length about how much better you felt for it. You can't control the MH side of things but you can give yourself a fighting chance if you knock the drink on the head. I think having Christmas booze in the house or ANY booze in the house has to be stopped now. You are past the point of being able to focus on anything else when you know it's there.

Let your MIL help with the children and take the rehab. Tell your DH he needs to be in an AA group for family members.. Perhaps they will knock some sense into him and make him see that he needs to change his approach before you can change.

What type of rehab have you been offered?

Why does it worry you?

I only ask as there are many options.

Prawn For me, as a recovered alcoholic, getting heavily involved in an exercise I love - circus - was instrumental in my recovery. I also loved being buzzed and used to work in an industry where everyone drank heavily. But when I started getting into my training, it gave my an incentive to not drink the night before, so I would feel good for training. Then I stopped drinking two days before training, because I could still feel the 'taint' in my muscles. Then there was only a very small window of the week that I could have a drink in.
You might not have heard of exercise, but its the only thing thats given me a similar 'buzz' to being high and tipsy.
I also did several different rounds and styles of therapies inc. CBT, but getting a physical hobby I loved was what really made the difference.
Instead of waiting for the end of alcoholism before starting everything else, it was by starting everything else first, that I eventually saw the back of my addiction. In the years since I have had periods where I drink again, but exercise gets me back on track.

Oh and by the way, a litre of vodka and you feel normal but a bit buzzed?

No you don't. You feel very drunk. You are confusing feeling drunk with feeling normal, that's the problem. Trust me, whatever you think you are feeling after a litre of vodka, it's not 'normal.' It might be making you feel 'better' but it's not making you feel normal.

Well, I stand corrected, Nellpotter. I've never come across that before but if it works for you then congratulations!

What SlottedSpoon said. Time to dig deep. Perhaps a big jigsaw isn't your thing but there will be something else out there for you to do when the cravings are nagging at you. How long has the wine during the day been going on? Your dh must be scared to death.

I'm on a different time zone so I know I can't respond to others and yourself Grabthars when I would like to.

I tried AA and it wasn't for me. I tried Allan Carr, I tried willpower. I've been ashamed of my drinking, I've myself quite ill sometimes.

I've been told by my gp that my bloods weren't normal, that I might have pernicious anaemia. But they couldn't suggest any help.

It took me a year to pluck up the courage to contact my DAAT. They were such a help. They are not well funded (at least not in my area) but they WILL help you. They will listen and you will be amongst people who want (in the main) to be there. It's humbling,we are all fighting the same fight. Even those who sometimes don't want to.

Anyway, I'm rambling. They can help you with a medical detox at home if appropriate.

Actually, I've just realised I always use the phrase'I'm rambling' as a way to not say anything more difficult for me.

I'm happy to talk more about my experience if you like op. I've hit to go to bed now but let me know and I'll get back to you tomorrow.

Just wanted to wish you well, OP, and to echo what others have said, I think there are different kinds of rock bottom, any or none of which may or may not be the trigger for you to put the bottle down. I know I had my rock bottom about a year before I seriously sought help (I went down the AA route). When I actually reached that psychological rock bottom that forced me to pick up the telephone, it was a seemingly minor situation that had triggered it - what had really shifted was something inside me. I was v lucky, because I was one of those people who looks for big signs from the universe in the hope that one of them would be the one to give me the push I needed. I realise now that I had to be the one to come to that decision myself, because nobody else was going to do it for me.

And for recovery, I also needed to surround myself with people who'd been there too, who were also trying to recover - you might not think that AA is for you, OP, but I really believe that only an alcoholic can get anywhere close to understanding another alcoholic. But only you know what it is you need, and maybe you're not ready yet, or and maybe you'll go down a different path. Only you will know.

The fact you're posting here shows you might be starting to come to that realisation too, and I hope one day you can come back to this thread and say you got there (one day at a time).

Hi OP, another recovering alcoholic here. I totally agree with all that Prawn said. If you feel that AA isn't for you, you're not ready for brutal honesty. For most if us in AA, the drink had stopped "working" - for my last relapses, I could only really be drunk for the first day and after that, as you say it was carrying on drinking to function more normally - for me it became drinking to stay alive because I suffered from potentially fatal DTs and seizures in withdrawal. A marvellous excuse to continue drinking but then we alcoholic are somewhat adept at finding excuses.

Others have said think of your DH and DC. It doesn't work like that. You can hate yourself for what you're doing to them with every fibre of your being. You can lose jobs, friends, family, homes. Until you want to stop for you nothing is going to change, no matter how you try to guilt trip yourself. I speak as a sole parent with a DD who had no choice for some years but to be brought up by an alcoholic mother. She has forgiven me although I cannot forgive myself and never will. I totally relate to the buzz that gets you through the school run and the day. Alcoholism is a progressive illness and I ended up drinking 24 hours a day, reaching for the bottle in the morning, missing appointments and meetings, losing people's respect. Mainly losing all respect for myself. It's a horrible, painful, lonely place to be - "restless, irritable and discontented .... The guilt, shame, fear and remorse".

A PP said that your groups at the moment are enabling your drinking and I agree. The only solution for an alcoholic who wants to stop is abstinence. AA works if you work it. The meetings are a small part - having a good sponsor, someone you talk to every day and work the 12 steps with, is what leads to the shift where you look back and wonder why you stayed in the hell hole for so long.

I really understand the reluctance to give up the crutch that you still feel is serving you. Until you're ready, nobody can force you to do anything and to do it half heartlessly or for someone else will just give you the opportunity to say "it didn't work". It's not your fault that you are an alcoholic - you did not choose it. You can however choose when to have a new life which will be immeasurably better than the one you are living. I truly wish you recovery and a happy life.

I presume you walk to the school run? Do you talk to any mums when you are there because they will smell alcohol on you? Is that enough to stop you ?

That should be half heartedly. There's another thread going about the three most important things in your life. My first is and always will be my sobriety.

Oh OP, I've read a few of your threads lately about your dd and your concerns about her behaviour. And on none of those have you mentioned alcoholism. Can you not see that this would possibly have massive, massive impact on her?

I'm not judging - I have married into a family where there is a history of alcoholism and those people have got through it and the children are fine. I'm not outraged or wanting to make you feel Ike shit.

But you really, really, really need to think about this life you're leading at the moment. Because from what you've been saying recently, at least one of your children isn't coping.

I hope you do find your way op. You can kid yourself it won't affect your children, but trust me it will. I've felt worried and angry at my mum most of my life, she too would convince herself that she wasn't drunk when it was glaringly obvious she was. She ended up losing everything and then that made her even worse. It was heartbreaking to stand by and watch her world crumble away bit by bit due to her insistence that she didn't have a problem.

No one said stopping would be easy but it sounds like you have brilliant support around you. If you can accept that this is going to be the biggest yet most rewarding challenge you'll ever face then you could turn your life around. Imagine not having that constant niggling of when you will have your next drink.

Please think of your children and do it for them and yourself. I can't tell you how much my mum being an alcoholic has shaped my life.

i live with you.

not you. but someone just like you.

in our case it has happened quite suddenly. my husband has suddenly started drinking about 6 months ago, due to stress, quite heavily every day. half a bottle of vodka and a bottle of wine every day. he refuses to get help from the gp to tackle the stress.

everyone knows.

he stinks of booze. he's put on weight. he is at least sensible enough not to think he can drink and then drive.

every person you encounter will smell it on u. the playground mums will know. and soon enough so will their children. and it will come back on your child.

i have served my husband the ultimatum. it stops by christmas, or he leaves.

It's so tiring being responsible for two children and him. and if one person is drunk the other is responsible for everyone else. who's gonna be up with the kids if they're sick? who's gonna take them to hospital if needed? it won't be you cos you're drunk. I can't have a glass of wine and relax, even on the weekend, cos dh will be wasted. he's not fall over drunk, but loud, annoying, thinks he's great fun but actually everyone just wishes he'd shut up drunk. he's embarrassing when he's out. people will have a glass of wine with a meal, he turns up drunk, and orders double vodkas through the meal and it's just cringeworthy. he thinks people don't notice but i see the raised eyebrows and people trying to change the conversation.

i miss my husband. my husband is smart, and funny, kind and sweet. i don't see him any more. the person sat next to me each night isn't my husband. he could be anyone. That's why i can ask him to leave. cos to me he's already gone.

he's not great with the kids when he's been drinking. he comes home from work and despite the kids being excited to see him he goes straight the the kitchen to get a drink. it breaks my heart.

i know my dh is cutting back. he knows it's got to change. i hope he can do it. it will destroy my children to live without him, but i will not allow them to grow up thinking this is normal.

you are incredibly selfish. and chances are if u carry on you will end up alone. no one wants an adult child to look after. a marriage should be a partnership.

Sorry but your kids aren't your priority, and I say that as someone who has lost their mother to alcohol.

I would urge you to find out why the need to drink a litre of vodka. That's the only thing that will help you stop. I know everyone does it for different reasons.

for you, I hope you turn it around. I wish I had done more to help my mum turn it around.

Another poster whose life has been adversely affected by her parent's 'high functioning' alcoholism here. It's shaped who I am and despite years of therapy I can't quite shake it's influence. My siblings have felt the affects even more strongly - one has severe MH problems and is unlikely to ever live a 'normal' life. The other has low self-esteem - years of nasty comments from our drunk and agggressive DF - and is now receiving treatment for his own addictions. Meanwhile, DF has a blood clotting disorder caused by his alcoholism and still doesn't can't see he has a problem. My DM left him after years of hoping he'll change and he's now married to a fellow alcoholic. I won't leave my DC with them - too scared of what might happen - and I limit contact time so DC don't see too much.

Take the rehab place OP and follow it up with AA. I also suggest your DH and DC go to Al-Anon. I went with my DM as a teenager and without it I would have struggled even more.

Does sober feel jagged and painful because you are forced to deal with the reality of what you are doing and who you are?

No one is buzzed and normal after a litre of vodka, don't kid yourself. You would have been very drunk, looking it and acting it.

Seems you don't want to face reality, justifying your behaviour as if it's all a bit of fun and avoiding the tough programs like AA.

Gah my screen froze last night and I had to hit 'post' for it to do anything. The threads moved on a bit since my message but it was supposed to read the reason I don't believe that you have to hit rock bottom in order to stop drinking is that I would have given up drinking a damn sight sooner than I did.
You will find the dry thread invaluable for helping you get through those early days as well as the brave babes
I don't post on Dry any more as I do drink now if I go out which is kind of against the spirit of the thread and moderation tends not to work for most people (I only manage it because of radical life changes too complicated to explain)
But I now get a warm fuzzy kick from being sober as opposed to the warm fuzziness I used to get from drinking wine every evening. The first few weeks were difficult and I couldn't have done it without support

TataES your life sounds like mine . Be prepared for your DH not giving up by Christmas, especially as 'it's so hard not to drink at this time of year' . Have a plan for what you'll do if when he doesn't stop. I've given DH many ultimatums but he never stops and I never follow through on what I say I'll do (why do I have to detonate our lives when he's the one causing the problems?) Guess what? He doesn't believe I'll ever end our marriage and keeps on living in his alcoholic bubble. Hugs for you and DCs. Pm me if you want to offload, I know exactly how it feels.

OP not that you'll care but as others have said, everyone knows you're an alcoholic. My DH is always astounded that I know when he's been drinking vodka (he hides the bottles) and not a couple of beers as he's claimed. He too feels 'normal, if a bit buzzed'. But he looks, acts and sounds drunk, because he is. It's blatantly obvious to all but him.

PirateFairy45: The OP is an alcoholic. She needs help, not a shaming.

You seem very sharp and sound of mind OP.

This won't last forever. I won't go into the practicalities of having an alcoholic for a mother, as I expect you've heard it all before, and if you're still drinking it obviously hasn't had much effect, but it's worth mentioning that now, at 50, my mother's mind has totally been ravaged by drink.

You may feel as though you're coping well now, without any real consequence to your family but if you continue like this you will absolutely become a painful burden to them, as like most chronic alcoholics, it will destroy your health.