To really like being drunk?

[GrabtharsHammer]

I'm an alcoholic and I'm aiming for sobriety. I'm finding it really hard. I'm in two different groups (not AA, it's not for me). They dont expect abstinence straight away, it's more CBT based.

I've drunk a litre of vodka tonight and I love this feeling. I feel normal, if a bit buzzed.

I usually drink half a bottle of wine during the day so I can do the school run, I don't go in the playground in the morning so it's easier but I feel I need a drink to face the pick up. I'll then drink another bottle of wine in the evening. I don't really get hangovers but the financial hit is the main issue. Thatvand the fact my family hate it.

I crave sobriety. I love the idea. But I can't see how I can say goodbye to feeling like this ever again. Stone cold sober feels jagged and painful and it's not something I can imagine committing to.

Dh hates me drinking. He's exhausted this evening and wants to go to bed but won't leave me because I'm half cut and he doesn't trust I won't do anything silly (history of self harm and overdosing).

I won't, because I feel happy and chilled, but I want to stay up and watch shit telly. I'm basically ruining his life, and I know this, but I can't bear the idea that I'll never feel this way again.

We've tried having him control my drinking but it doesn't work. And I know from therapy that I have to control it myself or there's no point. But I feel like I'm stuck at a point. I know i need to stop drinking entirely but I'm scared.

I have bipolar 2 and BPD so my emotions are generally all over the place, and alcohol is like a comfort blanket.

The old adage about reaching rock bottom doesn't really apply because I've been there and life is generally good now. How on earth can I convince myself that alcohol is no good when it seems so nice?

I know, logically, that we'd be much richer and my health would improve, but I can't seem to take that step forward. I've done loads of paper exercises, like the costs and benefits scale and the hierarchy of values and all of that, but I can't seem to make it stick.
Am I just an awful person? Too selfish to quit?

I knew I was going to reward myself with a drink after two weeks so it was easy peasy.

I agree there is a bit of normalising it by being in a group, but I think as the group goes on we will be more of a support for each other.

Well done for the two weeks. Is there anything else you can 'reward' yourself with next time? It sounds as though you really need to stop drinking altogether to make it work for you.

GrabtharsHammer

I have read your update and tbh I am cynical, probably because I being an alcoholic used to do things to appease people too - I've gone to Dr and got Ads, I'm not drinking during the week, dr told me to taper drinking etc etc .....I and all the other AA fellowship members on here have done or heard the same thing over and over and over again. I would suggest that your current treatment is working for you because you are able to drink while in it.....in essence it is not working in solving the root cause of your problem that cause is alcohol

There is not one situation/area where you are having an issue that alcohol is not either the cause of having an effect - I challenge you now to highlight one.

You say that AA is not helping you? Is it causing you any harm? If you truly want to stop drinking why not go to AA as well as your CBT programme? I guarantee that the CBT practitioner will welcome you doing both - I booked my first Addiction appt and went to AA as there was a 3 week waiting list...the counsellor welcomed the fact I went to AA with open arms - better than that he knew I was serious.

Your DH is suffering, trust me he is suffering, and will eventually leave, my DW left, that was the catalyst for me to get sober, the problem is the harm I done through drink and through my mental state after drunk may have caused enough damage for her not to come back, even though I am now sober today, was sober yesterday and have been for a few months. God willing I will remain sober today, and tomorrow - well that's another day, but hopefully will be a sober one.

I think having a chat with DH is no longer enough and would suggest that it is time for rigourous honesty with him, show him this thread, get him to go to Al anon, and please start taking proper action.

What stands out to me with all of your posts about your drinking recently and on your most recent post on this thread is that you say the right things about wanting to stop but it feels like you are just trotting cliches and platitudes out by rote. I don't feel that you are even close to meaning it yet. There is an odd sort of glibness in the way you speak about it, right down to the way you lay out your stall in a very matter of fact way almost inviting attention and confrontation rather than sounding like a genuinely desperate person asking for understanding or help. Then you sit back and wait for everyone to be concerned or horrified or sad for you and you say nothing for ages.

Then we get a short 'I'm listening' type response, just so the attention keeps coming but It feels as though you are completely emotionally detached from the words you are speaking. I feel as though we may as well be advising you about whether to buy a Bosch or a Zanussi fridge freezer. I don't know whether that is your bipolar speaking but you sound a long way off ready to stop this yet. A long way off being in touch with reality in fact.

"I knew I was going to reward myself with a drink after two weeks so it was easy peasy."

Where's the reward in drinking an entire litre of vodka in one go. That's not a drink- or even the social equivalent of savouring a nice bottle of red over the course of the night.

Did you buy it? Were you aware while you were drinking it that you would have been completely smashed long past any remote semblance of normal drinking? The fact you can still breathe- never mind type- after drinking that amount evidences how serious your alcoholism is.

The reason you feel completely out of control is simply because you are.

Don't wait until you hit rock bottom. Do something now before it's too late.

Again, what SlottedSpoon said.

Does your dh go to Al-Anon? I think he should, even if you don't agree with AA.

I cried when I read your thread. I can hear the excuses and the trite clichés (head in the game, wtf?) and I wonder how useless and helpless your husband feels having a wife who just WILL NOT stop drinking. I feel sorry for him. He's tied to you but you've untied yourself from him and your daughter in favour of the booze.

You are affecting your child, be under no illusions there. If you carry on then so be it but do so in that knowledge and don't you dare give yourself permission to think that you're 'masking' or 'hiding' it from her. You aren't. I couldn't sleep well as a child, it's horrendous living with an alcoholic and kids are not stupid or 'too young to know what's going on'.

You say that your husband is tolerant and supportive but, he will put his child first and perhaps he has a deadline for that, for you to do the same. If he's a good dad then he will ask you to leave - either for rehab or just leave the family to mend itself without you.

I know that there are supportive threads for alcoholics on MN but you've posted in AIBU, presumably for traffic and/or an ass kicking, rather than support on one of those. You can have an ass-kicking from me - put your daughter FIRST. She deserves parents who will prioritise her over alcohol and that really is basic. There is help out there, you know there is, you've accessed it before - do it again and keep doing it - forever if you have to.

I really hope you'll stop giving yourself permission to do this before it's too late and your family is destroyed. :(

I have bp too and I can sooooo empathise with your struggle. I was in exactly the same place until my psychiatrist added in a new medication. This basically made me feel normal for the first time in my life. I didn't need to drink because I was happy without. And then the benefits started - feeling healthier, able to exercise, weight loss, money saved. Anxiety almost gone.

I know that it really isn't as simple as just stopping, you need to find the right method for YOU. And I know that isn't easy.

Good luck and I'm always around for a PM if you need a friendly ear :)

Also- go on your local council website and see if they have a DAAT (Drug and Alcohol Action Team) They may have a peer group that includes professionals in addiction. You will find in these groups, that there are a whole range of people with substance misuse issues. Some you will identify with (which is different to validation) and some with whom you may not identify with now but could be you 10 years down the line.
Having professional input as well as peers' helps people to realise the real implications of the issues. The professionals (and people who are serious about helping themselves) have seen and heard every excuse under the sun and will soon put you straight cos they have been there.

Sitting around with people like yourself all perhaps minimising and more than likely "romanticising"( "oh dear what a frightful mess we're in")
rather than face up to the real, harsh, ugly truth is not in my opinion ever going to be a success. I knew a very middle class lady who "played the game" with no intention of stopping (denial) Didn't stop her kids going in to foster care though.

I say -carry on drinking- if that's what you want to do and that's what you enjoy - but do it on your own. Find a place of your own where you can sit and drink how much and whenever you want- after all its your life.

I suspect it wont be half as much fun when you don't have others around you,supporting you actively drinking and telling you it will all be ok after you've fucked up.
Go on, go out there and see what it's like when it's just you and the bottle. The bottle wont clear up your sick, smooth things over and pretend it never happened. It'll still be there in the morning showing you the truth.
Your husband also needs help because he has become an enabler and that is a very very crap position to be in mentally.
It really is down you OP and it's scary- probably terrifying but it's got to better than the fighting that goes on in your head while you're searching for reasons as to why you deserve that drink (when you really know you don't even need a reason.)

I hope you do find a way.

It's not as though I'm not trying to tackle it. I'm in treatment and have been for three weeks so it's early days. I've been on a bender this week and I know it's not good.

I posted last night because I was feeling very conflicted, I know that alcohol is destroying me but at the same time I love and crave the feeling. I was looking for an easy answer as to how to stop enjoying it.

I am trying, I really am.

There will never be an easy answer as to how to stop enjoying it. Presumably you've tried looking into your children's faces and imaging what it will be like for them if you died? Or became a shambolic wreck and an embarrassing liability and a constant worry for the rest of their lives?

Looked into your husband's face and seen his utter despair and his sadness? And imagining that one day you might look into that same face and see nothing but contempt and resignation?

If those things aren't easy enough to stop you enjoying it then nothing is.

Take the rehab.

Hunni you dont need to justify your self on here. To all these people saying things like do it for your kids , if you care about your kids you would stop etc etc IT'S NOT THAT FUCKING SIMPLE. I hate people who think it can be fixed because if you don't it means that you don't give a shit about your family. I understand how you feel op and take each day at a time

OP the thing about it is though, you may be trying - but you aren't really putting in the effort are you? I'm still waiting for you to tell why you wouldn't consider AA? - believe me I had reasons for not going to AA I'll explain later if you want but they were valid reasons.

Two mantra AA has taught me are

1. Don't lift the first drink, so no I'll just have one -as an alcoholic it doesn't work. It isn't the bottom of the vodka bottle that gets you drunk, it's the top of it - when you start you will not stop.

1. One day at a time - that means that you take each day as it comes, you realise you can't do anything that happened the day before, but also you can't guarantee what will happen the next day. What you can ensure though is that you won't drink today.

Re looking for the easy answer - there you go - don't lift the first drink!!!

I really hope that you get this, for your DH, for your kids and most importantly- for yourself.

Horsegirl... and I hate all the 'Hunni' 'there, there, pat-pat' enablers out there. If you haven't been at the whim of an alcoholic then shut up, just shut up. Nobody said it was simple - fucking or otherwise - no addictions are simple to overcome but if you have kids they they come first. It is THAT simple.

Either that or just leave, let your family rebuild itself without you if you just can't stop. Don't keep selfishly putting them through it with no bloody end in sight.

Wow that's a bit strong . Sorry for voicing my opinion. Jeez pipe down

How rude telling me to shut up. How do you know iv not been at the whim.of an alcoholic ??? I can assure you I most certainly have been !

Hated AA personally. Sitting around talking about drinking three or four times a week? Not for me. However, it seems it does work for a lot of people. Please don't assume it's the only way though. I did it with the support of an online group of women and by telling myself every day that I never ever wanted to feel like I did those wasted years. Oh and by running - lots of running which seems to be popular. It is really hard though and I do occasionally want that warm glow and that feeling of loveliness that the first of second drink gives. No denying drinking can make you feel great but then you wouldn't be here if it really really did make your life that complete would you?

Horsegirl, if you have lived with an alcoholic it doesn't seem to have taught you anything. If you're an alcoholic with young children in your care and you won't go to any lengths to get sober then you're a selfish piece of shit. It really is that simple. There is no excuse.

And I speak as a long time sober alcoholic.

Self-pity is a killer and all drunks rely on it. Poor me, poor me, they whine. Poor me, pour me a drink.

I have not rtft but wanted to comment, not to judge or make you feel bad - I really commend you being honest about it.

My mother was a functioning alcoholic. If you asked her she would tell you she can go days without a drink, she does it because she likes being drunk, it didn't effect her family.

We are now completely NC. I refuse to speak to my mother. She had a relationship with my oldest daughter but no longer does because she is unsafe (she nearly set my daughter on fire while drunk), she has never met my youngest daughter and never will. Even if she became sober now I couldn't allow her back in mine and my children's life. Its too late for that. I know that one day I will receive a call letting me know she is dead - it's harsh but I really don't care. I won't attend her funeral. She has no idea where we live or what goes on in our lives.

I do still speak to one of my two brothers, he is also going NC due to her drinking.

Had she dealt with this when I was a child, and not minimised the effect her alcoholism had on us (ranging from mild neglect to outright abuse depending on how badly she was drinking, but she doesn't see it), she could now still be in the lives of her children, visiting with her grandchildren and doing things that actually matter. Instead, she is sat at home with her enabling husband and a bottle of wine.

For the sake of your children, who do love you and will continue to do so no matter how badly you treat them. Go sober.

Like a lot of posters here I speak from the "other side" . My DH is 10 years sober. Our family went through hell but we are now ok and my DH works for the NHS trying to help addicts who were so like himself. Strange how many addicts don't "get" AA. They think it is not for them or full of addicts who are so much worse than they will ever be. Don't be fooled - if you don't get off the ladder then you will end up in ever more terrible situations leading to your real rock bottom. It comes to everyone. You are an alcoholic. You will give up or you will die. Fact. If you are very lucky you will manage to give up and get your life back before you do permanent damage to your body. Detox without rehab it pretty much a waste of time. If you have the option of rehab grab it with both hands - and put the bottle down.

hey OP, I'm an alcoholic with BPD. I stopped drinking 2 and a half years ago with AA. I was cynical about it being religious, but in actuality it's the warmest most supportive group of people who want to stop drinking or who have stopped and want to help others.

by the time I quit my life was in ruins. I lost my job for turning up drunk every day. my DD went to live with her dad. my marriage collapsed (although now this feels positive as he was an arsehole and a sexual predator). I moved out of my 4 bed house to a one bed flat in a shitty part of town.

when I got my own place the wheels REALLY came off. my sister had to call the police to do welfare checks on me. I would go off my meds, drink for days and come round in withdrawal.

the last withdrawal nearly killed me.

you can change your life OP. start a new, fresh one.

sobriety is wonderful. it's still hard - it will always be hard. but the rewards are immeasurable. I thought I loved booze but I didn't. I was punishing myself with every drink I took.

be well.

You don't actually like being drunk OP, although you think you do (when drinking). All the time you've got those warm fuzzies there is a narrative going on at the back of your mind which will be full of shame and self- loathing and telling you that you are crap and irresponsible and hopeless. The greatest benefit of being sober, I believe, is that that voice goes away.

Here's a thought. Anyone ever heard someone say " my mother was an alcoholic and I had a brilliant childhood" ?

Nope, me neither.

Here's another thought. Alcoholism can be hereditory. Do you want your daughter to grow up an alcoholic, or do you want to teach her a good example?

Oh and here's one more thought. Everyone knows you're an alcoholic. Everyone. be it the other mums, your family or your friends. Not mentioning it to uour face doesn't change that. They all know. And trust me, no one thinks it's anything other than sad, worrying and yes, horrible.

It's not about 'not getting' AA, it just really isn't for everyone. There are lots of ways to get sober. I have three years without AA. Of course it's worth trying but it doesn't not suit everyone and I get quite frustrated with those who insist it is the only way.