To really like being drunk?

[GrabtharsHammer]

I'm an alcoholic and I'm aiming for sobriety. I'm finding it really hard. I'm in two different groups (not AA, it's not for me). They dont expect abstinence straight away, it's more CBT based.

I've drunk a litre of vodka tonight and I love this feeling. I feel normal, if a bit buzzed.

I usually drink half a bottle of wine during the day so I can do the school run, I don't go in the playground in the morning so it's easier but I feel I need a drink to face the pick up. I'll then drink another bottle of wine in the evening. I don't really get hangovers but the financial hit is the main issue. Thatvand the fact my family hate it.

I crave sobriety. I love the idea. But I can't see how I can say goodbye to feeling like this ever again. Stone cold sober feels jagged and painful and it's not something I can imagine committing to.

Dh hates me drinking. He's exhausted this evening and wants to go to bed but won't leave me because I'm half cut and he doesn't trust I won't do anything silly (history of self harm and overdosing).

I won't, because I feel happy and chilled, but I want to stay up and watch shit telly. I'm basically ruining his life, and I know this, but I can't bear the idea that I'll never feel this way again.

We've tried having him control my drinking but it doesn't work. And I know from therapy that I have to control it myself or there's no point. But I feel like I'm stuck at a point. I know i need to stop drinking entirely but I'm scared.

I have bipolar 2 and BPD so my emotions are generally all over the place, and alcohol is like a comfort blanket.

The old adage about reaching rock bottom doesn't really apply because I've been there and life is generally good now. How on earth can I convince myself that alcohol is no good when it seems so nice?

I know, logically, that we'd be much richer and my health would improve, but I can't seem to take that step forward. I've done loads of paper exercises, like the costs and benefits scale and the hierarchy of values and all of that, but I can't seem to make it stick.
Am I just an awful person? Too selfish to quit?

You may think it's not affecting your kids but it will be. What happens when they don't invite friends home because mummy is always pissed? Or worse, when you have an accident or a serious health issue because of the drinking? You are being selfish. It may be blunt but it's true. You're putting your needs before your family's. At some point you may find that your DH decides to leave and take the kids - your chances of getting custody? Not good. The courts aren't going to be too generous to an alcoholic who drinks that amount.

Katy, again, when have I ever said it doesn't affect my kids?

OP - thinking of you. You sound lovely and this is horrible. Such a waste. Other people with better advice but no judgement from me - just good wishes for your success in being the person you can be.

Grab, can I ask you then... if you acknowledge that it DOES affect your kids, what are you doing to reassure them? Do you ever talk to them to find out their fears/worries about your drinking?

I know this thread must be hard to read. It is for me too but it's the platitudes that anger me because they're just giving an illusion of "it's ok, OP, really it is, it will all be fine, no harm done, be the best that you can be... blah blah". It just normalises what you've already acknowledged is a terrible situation, for you and your family. I find those posts offensive and hurtful and they're not at all helpful. It's the kind of crap that people say when they don't know what else to say but can't keep from saying something, however pointless.

At least you are cognisant of the pain, worry and anguish - as well as trying to face your own demons with alcohol and I really do commend you for that. I hope that you are offered a place in rehab because it does sound as if you will accept it now.

I think you should talk to your husband and explain that you cannot have alcohol in the house at all.

I do talk to them. They hate seeing me drunk but that is rare, as I'm usually only drunk in the late evenings. They have no idea about my drinking in the day (I know they don't, as they would definitely mention it), I'm not visibly drunk at these times.

Again, I'm not minimising at all, but I'm not abusive or angry or emotional when I'm drinking. At worst I'm disengaged and distant, which I know is bad enough. But they don't have violent rows or crashing around or me comatose to deal with, it's not like that.

I know I have a problem, and I know it is most likely affecting them, but I don't think they are damaged beyond all repair or anything.

*Again, I'm not minimising at all, but I'm not abusive or angry or emotional when I'm drinking. At worst I'm disengaged and distant, which I know is bad enough. But they don't have violent rows or crashing around or me comatose to deal with, it's not like that.

I know I have a problem, and I know it is most likely affecting them, but I don't think they are damaged beyond all repair or anything.*

My mum would have said the same. She thought she was fun when she had a drink, it was horrendous. The smell of alcohol turns my stomach now. I do agree with everyone else, you are minimising. You have no idea what you're like when you're drinking because you've been drinking. They might not be damaged beyond all repair but your relationship with them soon will be if it isn't already. My mum has been sober for almost ten years, I'll still never forgive her for the damage she caused during my childhood. She doesn't accept she did anything wrong still, but she put too much on my shoulders purely with the knowledge that she drank too much and didn't value my company enough to not drink.

Grab, it's a disease. It's not your fault and it's not easy. I don't actually like the taste so I've never had a problem with alcohol and never drink it now but plenty of people do. My mother gave it up entirely on my wedding day and never drank a drop again without any external help. I don't know how she did it but she did. Perhaps it was just the right time.

Have you tried seeing your GP about it? What about eating 3 healthy meals a day which might keep it better in check and perhaps a bit more exercise to make you feel better?

You are minimising continuously. As the child of an alcoholic, who was adamant that their behaviour didn't impact on the rest of us (or at least not too much anyway), I can assure you that they are aware of your drinking and the scale of it.

The sense of shame that the children of alcoholics internalise is immense and causes lifelong damage. Having a parent who is an alcoholic destroys your childhood.

And after a litre of vodka, how do you even know how you're behaving? Are you really so sure that you're not argumentative or aggressive? Would you honestly remember? My parent was the master of re-inventing history to exonerate themselves from their disgraceful behaviour. Ultimately only you can help yourself. Until you stop justifying and minimising your drinking I don't think you can truly start to recover. I'm sorry if this seems harsh, I really do hope you can find the strength to get better.

How are you doing now?

I'm ok Giddy. I've had a nice calm reflective day.

Ijustdontknow (and others) I'm really not minimising or justifying about my behaviour when I'm drunk. I have plenty of people in my real life who can and do tell me what I'm like. I am 100% sure that I'm not argumentative or agressive.

Anyway, not that any of that matters as I am stopping. But I think there is a huge disconnect between what some of you are assuming life is like for my family and what it actually is like.

Thank you for answering, Grab. I would just say that when you point out that you can be distant and disengaged, you will see that with an adult head and point of view because you are an adult. A child can see things very differently and what is minor to you may become magnified in their own minds. I realise that I'm hopelessly projecting and you are absolutely not responsible for my thoughts, but I just wanted to give a perspective from the 'other side'.

My mum wasn't the alcoholic in our family but I remember one time her coming home from a party and she was vomiting in the bath, giggling her head off and I walked in. She said 'It's fine, don't worry' but it was hugely worrying for me and I shut myself in the airing cupboard and wouldn't be found. She's never had an alcohol problem and if I saw her drunk and vomiting in the bath now I wouldn't give it a thought.

I absolutely agree with EnormousTiger, this is a disease and it's a very difficulty thing that you are now trying to do. I really wish you every positive thing to get there and I'm sure that you'll grab every bit of help there is to do that.

As the child of an alcoholic I would urge you to stop. I hated my mother, well certainly disliked her at times. She would say if she was still alive (she died at 55) that people didn't notice. She was deluded - they certainly did, and I had some hideously embarrassing times with her. I never wanted friends to come round, and this has undoubtedly affected me through my life. She wasn't pissed all the time, but was a secret drinker - we'd find the odd half bottle of vodka hidden.

She actually died of cancer. She had a brain tumour that wasn't picked up early enough. Reason being that her balance was affected, and everyone, dr included, thought it was due to booze.

I have cousins who are children of an alcoholic. One in particularly is adversely affected, and you can see the cycle continue.

Do something before it gets worse and ultimately too late - for your health, relationships, but mostly for your DH and kids.

I think there is a huge disconnect between what YOU are assuming life is like for your family and what it actually is like, OP.

:) was just worried a hitch would be an excuse iyswim but calm is good.

Thanks LyingWitch

No, the hitch was a pain but I'm staying on track.

:)

I don't think you have any idea what life is like for your family.

I am the daughter of an alcoholic mother. She doesn't drink daily but will binge drink. She has affected my life, not massively, but I won't drink at home, ever, even at Christmas etc, dh will have a whiskey or a few glasses of wine, I drink Diet Coke. I won't drink out unless I know 100000% there's someone sober at home and I can't get to the point of 'drunk' anymore. I have a few drinks then switch to water if I feel myself losing control. I'm over cautious, it's affected relationships, friendships because I don't trust people who like to have a drink because I've seen how it spirals.

On the other hand, what if the dcs grow up thinking its normal? Would you want them to have your life? Not being able to do school pick ups without a drink in them?

Another thing to think about is my best friend found her Mam dead, covered in her own vomit, naked on the bathroom floor because she was drunk. My friend was 18, her Mam was 37...

Just think about the implications of what you are doing- think about you, you could die. You probably will die younger. Your kids will probably love you for you but hate you for drinking when they're older.

But, nobody can help you on a thread, you can only help yourself.

I have no first hand experience of alcoholism but your thread popped out and I've read right through.

You know you've got to make changes, and I sincerely hope you do. Your posts are hard to read and so so so sad. Your family obviously care about you a great deal and I hope you can use that love to push you through to sobriety.

I don't think you are minimising things, but it does almost come across a bit like "oops, naughty me, i'm just about getting away with this, but won't for much longer" and it feels like there is a slight disconnect between how you think you're being perceived and how others probably are perceiving you.

Take all the help you can get. I say that as someone who is awful at taking any help at all, but it sounds like you could just beat this addiction, but that it's going to be a bumpy road during which you'll need lots of support.

Can you try AA again?

grab they might not know you are drunk but they will know you are being different.Eventually they will put 2+2 together. Or maybe they already have but won't say anything as it could hurt your feelings/too sensitive for them to talk about.

Trust me, either way you are affecting them.

Just read your last post, you won't have any idea what life is like for your family. Not a clue. Being around someone drunk when you can see what it is doing to them is horrendous, I fucking HATED my Mam when she'd had a drink. Couldn't stand to be around her. You're not you when your drunk, no matter what you say.

The process of getting sober is about building up the skills to cope with sober feeling jagged. When you start to use any thing that kills feelings, that bit of you stops maturing, it doesn't need to, because you can always change it with booze. So as you learn to get sober, you make friends with this bit of you, you take it under your wing and you treat it right, as you would a loved child. And this process matures it, and you'll find that sober can be chilled and feel good, and won't jangle you.
fellowship is really good at giving you the tools you need to do this, but I hear when you say it's not for you. Other therapeutic process works too.
Just make sure you are getting all the support you need .
X

Folks, just wondering on here there are a lot of children of alcoholics on here, how many of you have gone through counselling because of it?

How many have gone through a programme like Al anon or such?

How many have actually studied addiction and how addiction works, eep in relation to alcoholism?