To really like being drunk?

[GrabtharsHammer]

I'm an alcoholic and I'm aiming for sobriety. I'm finding it really hard. I'm in two different groups (not AA, it's not for me). They dont expect abstinence straight away, it's more CBT based.

I've drunk a litre of vodka tonight and I love this feeling. I feel normal, if a bit buzzed.

I usually drink half a bottle of wine during the day so I can do the school run, I don't go in the playground in the morning so it's easier but I feel I need a drink to face the pick up. I'll then drink another bottle of wine in the evening. I don't really get hangovers but the financial hit is the main issue. Thatvand the fact my family hate it.

I crave sobriety. I love the idea. But I can't see how I can say goodbye to feeling like this ever again. Stone cold sober feels jagged and painful and it's not something I can imagine committing to.

Dh hates me drinking. He's exhausted this evening and wants to go to bed but won't leave me because I'm half cut and he doesn't trust I won't do anything silly (history of self harm and overdosing).

I won't, because I feel happy and chilled, but I want to stay up and watch shit telly. I'm basically ruining his life, and I know this, but I can't bear the idea that I'll never feel this way again.

We've tried having him control my drinking but it doesn't work. And I know from therapy that I have to control it myself or there's no point. But I feel like I'm stuck at a point. I know i need to stop drinking entirely but I'm scared.

I have bipolar 2 and BPD so my emotions are generally all over the place, and alcohol is like a comfort blanket.

The old adage about reaching rock bottom doesn't really apply because I've been there and life is generally good now. How on earth can I convince myself that alcohol is no good when it seems so nice?

I know, logically, that we'd be much richer and my health would improve, but I can't seem to take that step forward. I've done loads of paper exercises, like the costs and benefits scale and the hierarchy of values and all of that, but I can't seem to make it stick.
Am I just an awful person? Too selfish to quit?

It is an awful disease. People are not responsible. There is no point in leveling blame. It is particularly genetic too.
It certainly is a good plan to keep up getting help and drink less.

Also some alcoholics have a better or worse impact on those around them so it is very hard to generalise. As I said my mother only drank after school and I wasn't even aware of it although she apparently confided in my sister. I only heard about it after but it did explain some silly behaviour sometimes. In her case I think the impact was more on her than on the children. Other alcoholics like some of the very very badly affected ones my psychiatrist father treated for decades with deliirum tremens, liver problems, the works like poor Paul Gascoigne and his ilk clearly can ruin lives but that still does not mean we should be blaming them.

Of course Grab wants to change.

Any of us addicted to anything - smoking, junk food, sugar or whatever... just think about how easy (not) it is to stop. it's the same with alcohol or cocaine. Addiction is one of the most difficult things to treat.

Keep up the good work - it sounds like you are trying very hard.

I haven't read the full thread, just your very recent post....... it is linked to your MH and I'm really pleased you can see/admit that. There is usually a reason, or a point, when you first drink.

I don't think people truly understand unless they're affected by it (I guess it goes with any addiction/condition). That's not an insult at all. I was ignorant to something, until I was affected by it.

I know a family whose children got brought up living with an alcoholic. They obvious didn't know at the time what effect it would have on them as adults - it's not a nice picture.

However, the children now understand just how troubled their parent was. They don't lay any blame on them. Parent needed help with their mental health - they didn't get it.

lyingwitch...did it ever occur to you that I may have been a drinker, not still a.drinker but someone who is in recovery, what about the other side of the coin, did it ever occur to you or anyone else on here that I may be the offspring of alcoholic parents?

You see the thing is I have experienced the issue from both sides and have studied the issue a great deal, hence why I can place arguments that either appear to be or are ignored.

There would appear to have been some selective reading of my posts, I have told the op when she did not appear to be making mucb of an effort that she needs to make the effort, I have told the op that she is causing damage to her children - I have made it clear on the thread that I caused damage to my now children and I am attempting to repair that damage, I have told the OP that I don't agree with her treatment method and think she should be going down the abstinence route.

Now coming from the perspective of an alcoholic in recovery - I say do it for yourself as trying to beat addiction for someone else is as fruitful as trying to live in an unhappy marriage to make the other spouse happy.

See this article www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.promises.com/articles/drug-addiction/why-addicts-choose-drugs-over-love/amp/?client=safari

And it sums it up perfectly when it says that if addicts could make a choice over drugs or (their relationship) with people they wouldn't be addicts.

Plenty of people on here have talked about family who have literally drank themselves to death....these are people choosing their addiction over themselves .....they put absolutely everything into their addiction and yet you believe they can stop for someone else.......to say give up for your children shows your ignorance of addiction and the causes of addiction.

It just hits me over the head that you like delivering lectures, user. Not helpful, in my opinion. Nor your rudeness and dismissiveness. You're not the arbiter of addiction here, however much you might think you are.

MrsS, I agree with your post. Looking back as a child I was scared and uneasy much of the time because I didn't understand. Now, as an adult, I do and I don't place blame. Addiction is a horrendous thing.

User, I read that link. If an addict by definition has no power in themselves to choose love (or change) over their addiction and the article proposes for the people around the addict to protect themselves rather than expect or demand that the addict change, it seems that the best protection is to leave the addict to their downward spiral at a safe distance.

Whilst a spouse can leave (or stay and enable), children cannot. That is why your message is intellectually and emotionally unhelpful when perceived by children of alcoholics and perpetuates their resentment.

I personally don't understand why the OP's dh is staying with her.

It's not lectures, it's opinion, opinion backed by experience/fact. I don't see where I have been rude, I have responded to comments such as people complaining about use of the word "folks".

I don't think that I have ever been dismissive of anybody's post, I have challenged where I think people are incorrect and backed my reason for it.

I have never sought or seek to be the arbiter of addiction, there are many more qualified and more knowledgeable about the subject than I - there are also those on here who are spouting opinion with no factual basis - that and poor perception I challenge as society does still see alcoholism as a social stigma rather than a disease

It's an addiction. It's not rational, or reasonable. It's an illness. Be kind to yourself.
All I can say is, my own mother has been battling the same addiction for years. It's hard for everyone.
I wish you well

I have responded to comments such as people complaining about use of the word "folks".

It is really annoying, in my defence.

Grab if you ever do think your children need help Butterwick do adolescent counselling.

My daughter (10) has been before and found it helpful.

I think everyone who has grown up in the care of an alcoholic will have their own take on the repercussions of this lifestyle. I do think it is fair to say children raised by an alcoholic will be affected by this one way or another.

I have two siblings, we each had the same upbringing but it has affected us in wildly different ways. I became the mother of the family at a very young age. My biggest issue in life as that is the role I have cast myself in all relationships and I attracted people who needed this treatment, not functioning adults who would balk at the idea of being mothered. To this day I assume huge amounts of responsibility for my family it is a damaging and difficult cycle to break.

My brother went down the route of becoming an addict himself and has huge issues with alcohol and drugs.

My sister is repeating the pattern of my parents relationship with her own partner.

It is very hard to say how we would have turned out if we had been raised in a loving , nurturing and safe place but that wasn't the hand we were dealt.

It has been very difficult for me to read this thread as many of the op's posts are things I have heard time and time again over the years. It never amounts to anything.

I remember the drinking in the park post and at the time I thought that lady sounds like she has a real problem. Drinking wine in the park in the cold alone during the day while your kids play sounded so hopelessly sad to me for all involved. Yet there were dozens of yes hun open the wine you deserve it type posts. At that time I decided to not respond as I was very clearly in the minority who thought the op should not have been drinking in that situation.

I think at the end of the day, yes, it's hard for the adult, really bloody hard but that doesn't mean the child should have to hold the burden of it. I think everyone is a victim in the situation but my main sympathies lie with the most vulnerable who have the least control in the situation - the children.

And that's something we agree on frankandbeans I'm not saying children aren't affected and s lot of children need counselling or help following it. I've lived it from both sides, I'm not sure which was worse for me, what I do know is that govt isn't putting tenough money or expertise into helping either side.

I personally don't understand why the OP's dh is staying with her.

I just wanted to respond to this. He is with me because he loves me. I'm not defined by my alcoholism, or my mental health issues. We have a good life together, we take care of each other in many ways. In my dark moments I have often asked me why he's with me and he always tells me a multitude of reasons. I'm a good person. I parent our children well, despite my limitations (this is backed up by all the agencies involved with our children), I am an equal contributor to our marriage.

I'm not (yet) at the point where I'm hard to live with. He is happy, the children are happy. Nobody feels they would be better off without me, despite the fact I often feel that they would.

He's not some poor beleaguered sap trapped in a relationship with me. I have my issues and he is aware of that and in it for the long haul. That's not to say that if I carry on down this path he won't be, but that's not where we are now and it's not where I intend to get to.

Good luck, OP. I'm another recovering alcoholic here (sober for 2 years) and I wanted to urge you not to give up on AA, and also to try out NA meetings as another poster suggested. Alcohol is my drug of choice but I mostly go to NA meetings as the atmosphere is a bit different and fits me better in some ways.

Professional help is good too of course, but there is something special about addicts helping other addicts. They've all been there and done that. I could identify with loads of things in your opening post, especially the idea that sobriety feels jagged and painful. I felt exactly the same when I first tried to stop drinking. But AA/NA give you the tools and strategies to face life sober, a day at a time. I remember how mindlessly bored I used to be with the DC at the park, waiting for the moment I could get home and pour a drink. Now I can just be with them in the moment, sober, watching them play, and it's such a gift.

I also couldn't face the notion of giving up drinking for good. But the day at a time thing is crucial. Don't think about years of sobriety stretching ahead of you at this point, think about making it through the day, the next hour, the next minute without a drink.

I am so much happier now, nothing in the world could induce me to pick up a drink again.

Also, for what it's worth, your story fits the pattern of lots of women alcoholics/addicts I have met in recovery:

• difficult/dysfunctional childhood
• history of drug abuse
• mental health problems and using drugs/drink to self-medicate
• low self-esteem, made worse by feelings of guilt associated with the substance abuse

... and so on. You will be surprised how many other women there are out there like you. I even 'escaped' my troubled childhood and married someone very stable, loving and secure. And still turned into a raging alkie. AA and especially NA also made me see how 'addictive' behaviour characterised lots of different aspects of my life (so not just using but also compulsive spending, etc).

You will hate the meetings at times, yes; they will bore you and annoy you. But other times, they will move you and fill you with more hope and strength and peace than you ever thought possible. There really is a way out. You just have to want it badly enough, and keep going back to the meetings. Good luck.

Op I truly hope you get the help you need and you and your family come out the other side of this but I honestly wouldn't subject my child to living with an alcoholic. No matter how much I loved the person my child and her well being would have to come first.

My mom never thought she was drunk but it was the inappropriate nature of her drinking that upset me. We would have blazing arguments at 8.30 in the morning as she was having only one drink and wasn't drunk. I could tell the second she had a drink as she would change and although she wouldn't feel drunk I would be angry she was drinking at all. Of course I can't tell how aware your children are of what is going on but my parents thought we were unaware when we were anything but.

I would try join in with some of the support threads here for other people in your situation. That might help in the initial stages of working through your addiction.

Great post marfisa, well done to you.

This is the equivalent of a woman struggling with infertility barging onto a pregnancy thread.
I suggest that children of alcoholics start their own thread.
This invasion wouldn't be accepted in any other circumstances.

This is the equivalent of a woman struggling with infertility barging onto a pregnancy thread.
Erm, not really and I'll post where the fuck I want. How rude can you be? We've all been attempting to support OP without coddling her as it can very easily be enabling a drinker. You can't possibly compare the two. I think most pregnant women are sympathetic to the plight of infertility and if they aren't they would be quickly reminded if they were minimising or insisting no damage was being done while waving a baby bump on their face. What a ridiculous statement.

An invasion? No, I don't think so. Some PPs have detailed their own personal experiences which I would say is fair enough. FWIW, I am neither an alcoholic nor the child of an alcoholic, and I have also weighed in on the thread. Surely there is no border control on MN, demanding that only certain posters are allowed into a thread.

It's derailing a thread.

It's not in the slightest as we were conversing with OP and following on from a statement she had made! Did you get a badge when you made yourself the Thread Police?

Look at it the other way. If there was a thread supporting children of alcoholic s , an alcoholic trying to defend themselves would be politely told to Fuck off from the thread.
Leave this thread for the op.
If you have your own issues, venting at the op who is not your parent is not helping her.
She deserves a place to seek support too.

Which we have been offering her. Who here has slated her? Apart from that one poster commenting about her husband leaving I think they've all been supportive, commending her for stopping before she ends up like our relatives. It's completely different from anything you are trying to make it out to be. If an alcoholic posted in that situation trying to explain what the rational was I would welcome it, as I have on this thread. It's been very revealing about what was going on inside my mother's head. You don't get to dictate where people post and if OP wanted a handhold with no hard truths she shouldn't have posted in AIBU or should have requested to have it moved.

No. You have not been conversing. You have been taking to the stage to tell your own story.
The op is seeking abstinence. Support for that would be appreciated.
Making her an effigy to vent to is not helping.
In time, rehab will probably allow her family to vent at her as part of therapy.

She is NOT your father. She is NOT your mother.