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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

child pointed toy gun at me

493 replies

morningtoncrescent62 · 03/12/2016 14:14

I know that telling off/not telling off other people's children has been done many times on AIBU. But genuinely not sure whether I was in the wrong here. On the bus this morning, woman got on with two children aged about 5, dressed up, obviously excited about going somewhere. One of the children was dressed as a cowboy, complete with toy gun. I'll admit I hate seeing children playing with guns, but I know not everyone feels the same. They sat behind and across the aisle from me and I was reading a book and trying not to be distracted - they were fairly noisy but not unreasonably so in the circumstances.

A few stops before I was getting off I looked up to find the child with the toy gun pointing it at me and pulling the trigger repeatedly. The woman hadn't seen as she was rootling about in her bag. So I said to the child, not sharply but firmly, 'Please don't point your gun at me, it isn't very nice'. The woman looked up and apologised. Then she took the child on her lap for a cuddle and started a loud conversation with the other one about how adults sometimes talk to children instead of the adult who is with them and this is bad and wrong. Which is OK if it's her position, but nothing at all about how sometimes when you point guns at people and pretend to shoot them they don't like it and they ask you not to. I was tempted to say to her that if her child was too young to be asked by strangers not to point his toy gun at them, then he was too young to be allowed to play with it in a public place - but I was about to get off the bus so I didn't.

So, MN jury, WIBU to speak directly to the child?

OP posts:
WeDoNotSow · 03/12/2016 17:55

Doin When did I say it was being a doormat to stop pointing a gun?
I said some people are so desperate to placate strangers that they'll chastise their kids for anything to be seen to be 'doing the right thing'
You need to get a balance, and if you go too far the other way your kid will end up being a doormat.
But you knew that's what I meant.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/12/2016 17:56

I agree, chill out and get a grip!

Sallystyle · 03/12/2016 17:57

I don't like toy guns. I didn't let mine have them.

However, my friend's little girl loves them and she often pretends to shoot me. I play along with her. I would have played along with the child on the bus as well, despite my dislike of them.

The child was not being 'not nice' so yeah, you could have phased it differently but I don't think what you said was a big deal either.

On the fence /

BravoPanda · 03/12/2016 17:58

What a crank you are, OP 😂 Here's hoping next time that it's a water pistol and you get soaked.

gillybeanz · 03/12/2016 17:58

I don't think you should have said anything.
I'd have joked about it and played dead too, like I used to do with mine.
I got over the whole no gun thing when I saw how dangerous their home made efforts were.
Metal coat hangers bent to represent a gun was the last straw, I went out and bought just one plastic one each.

booklooker · 03/12/2016 17:59

what's wrong with politely asking someone not to do something, child or adult?

Surely it depends upon what they are doing.

Would you ask a child on a train to stop sniffing loudly?
Would you ask a tourist on an Undground escalator to move to the right?
Would you ask a man spreading his legs to allow his testicles more space to shift up?
Would you ask teenagers talking loudly to quieten down?
Would you ask teenagers talking loudly and swearing to quieten down?
Would it matter if you had your own children with you at the time?

Witchend · 03/12/2016 18:00

I would (and have done in that circumstance) collapsed in a comedy heap. Child giggles, all finished. If you want to say at that point, "I don't like having guns pointed at me" then fine, up to you.

For what it's worth, I thought I would never let guns in the house. Dd1 and dd2 this was never an issue.
With ds I discovered two things:

  1. They'll make guns out of anything: stick, lego, hairbrush, sausage, pencil...
  2. A gun is much better than a sword, which is generally considered more acceptable. Because they point the gun at a distance and say "bang bang". With a sword they have contact and someone is much more likely to get hurt.

Ds has a pop gun (those with a cork in the end). Him and his friends spent a summer running round the woods with those. And I had a summer of people young and old telling me how they'd encountered him and wasn't it lovely.
He also as a Nerf gun. Because that does fire we have strict rules about it. No pointing at faces, no pointing at bodies of anyone who doesn't want to play, distance they can fire from, and being a rather mean mum I make sure he does safety checks when he picks it up and puts it down-which was the main thing I learnt about handling guns when we did it at school.
Ds wants to join the Raf so I assume at some point he may need to learn about the real thing if he does.

If we ban guns from small children then we risk making them an object of fascination and are more likely to continue with the fascination as they grow older.

HerOtherHalf · 03/12/2016 18:02

Get a grip. If he had a toy dinosaur and pretended it was growling at you, would you freak out in the same way? I doubt it. You crossed over from being generally anti-gun (a good thing) to just being a fanny (not a good thing).

CharlieSierra · 03/12/2016 18:09

I wouldn't have been concerned about being polite. If parents aren't going to teach children that they shouldn't point guns at random strangers, then it's fine for the random stranger to do it

Quite!

BertrandRussell · 03/12/2016 18:09

"Get a grip. If he had a toy dinosaur and pretended it was growling at you, would you freak out in the same way?"

FYI.

  1. A toy dinosaur is not a toy weapon.
  2. she did not "freak out" - she asked him not to do it.
myfavouritecolourispurple · 03/12/2016 18:12

If parents aren't going to teach children that they shouldn't point guns at random strangers, then it's fine for the random stranger to do it

Seriously? A 5 year old with a toy gun?

So what happens if they stick their finger at you, or a twig or anything else that they pretend is a gun and say bang bang you're dead?

I bet some of you moaning about this let your 11 year olds play 18-rated games as well. Double standards?

JohnSAHD · 03/12/2016 18:16

I think there were two different elements to this encounter.

  1. If a child is behaving badly or inappropriately, YANBU to speak to the child directly. To me, it feels patronising to talk over a child's head rather than directly to them. How will they learn responsibility for their actions or be allowed to grow up if they are not given agency.
  2. In this case, I don't think the kid was misbehaving, he or she was only playing. Like you, I don't like guns but I can see that is a matter of judgement for every family and it's unreasonable to impose my feelings on others. I have no doubt there are aspects of my parenting that others approach differently and tolerance is key.
Baylisiana · 03/12/2016 18:16

Never point a gun at anyone. I know it is unlikely this child will ever handle a real gun, but the never point directly at someone rule is important. I would have said something, but I would have said that when holding even a toy gun, do not point it at people. I know that may be the point of the game. That is why it is a shit game. Regardless it is rude and the
adult should have been supervising the child better. Also how pathetic muttering to the children what she should have said to you, kind of ironic but still.

Suppermummy02 · 03/12/2016 18:16

The op didn't make any consideration that the child might have special needs/circumstances at all. A strange man firmly telling a 5 yo that playing is not nice could have all sorts of consequences.

The proper thing for an adult to do is a) speak to the person supervising (who was right there) or b) lower yourself to the DCs height and explain that it upsets you to have toy guns pointed at you, is it possible to not do that for the moment.

The adult op was prioritising their fears over the child's well being.

Baylisiana · 03/12/2016 18:23

Suppermummy I think it is far more notable that the adult with the child was not considering that any other passengers may have special needs or past traumatic experiences and not want a toy gun pointed at taht a repeatedly and the trigger pulled. Anyone know a child with special needs who wouldn't enjoy that? Because that is what could have happened. So consideration goes both ways.

Baylisiana · 03/12/2016 18:23

at them, sorry

HerOtherHalf · 03/12/2016 18:23

Bertrand, you are a fanny also, evidently. Stop being obtuse. A toy is a toy and a child playing is a child playing.

whattimestea · 03/12/2016 18:26

I don't think the OP was unreasonable in asking the child to stop pointing the gun at her. If it was me though I wouldn't have minded really and probably would have played along but I realise everyone has their own tolerance levels and wouldn't assume that other folk would be OK with it. My own DS's wouldn't have been allowed to behave like that on the bus - and we are toy gun and toy weapon crazy in our house - purely because I try not to let my boys be a nuisance to other people when we're out in public. Doesn't always work mind, but I try! If someone had spoken to my DS's like the OP did I wouldn't mind, I would apologise and not say anything else. Although deep down I would feel they were being a bit daft!

BertrandRussell · 03/12/2016 18:27

"A toy is a toy and a child playing is a child playing."

But a person calmly asking someone to stop doing something is not freaking out.

PerspicaciaTick · 03/12/2016 18:29

A toy gun becomes a bit pointless if you don't point it at people.

I saw an exhibition called "War Games" at the V&A Museum of Childhood a couple of years ago which opened my mind to some of the positives of playing with aggressive toys such as guns.

Bejazzled · 03/12/2016 18:31

I think you're being unreasonable. This is one of these bizarre threads that only seem to occur on mumsnet, Confused

Notonthestairs · 03/12/2016 18:32

How is a 5 year old dressed as a cowboy pointing a toy gun anything other than mildly amusing or mildly annoying?
I think what you said was fine - the mum was embarrassed and reacted with PA remarks - but the reason for saying it..meh... Is there a Wild West version of Grinch?

WeDoNotSow · 03/12/2016 18:33

Well I wouldn't mind if someone politely asked my child not to do something . I'd be pissed off though if someone told my child their playing 'wasn't nice'
It would put my back up.

Also, how 'firm' is firm?
Because people keep saying op 'politely' asked, and I feel the level of 'firm' could affect how 'politely' it came across

witsender · 03/12/2016 18:35

Half and half here. I don't like guns, but try to rationalise it that kids shoot each other with sticks, make swords out of them etc which is very much the same.

I think in your shoes I wouldn't have said anything, though if I had it would have just been " please don't do that", with a smile and then looked away. I think my kids would have been horrified had a stranger spoken to them like that, they're sensitive souls. That's not to say that you were OTT, that's just who they are.

Baylisiana · 03/12/2016 18:36

I think regardless of whether people think OP was reasonable or not, most of us would have been polite if we were the other adult and not so PA. I am afraid I stopped giving the other adult the benefit of the doubt right there.

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