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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

child pointed toy gun at me

493 replies

morningtoncrescent62 · 03/12/2016 14:14

I know that telling off/not telling off other people's children has been done many times on AIBU. But genuinely not sure whether I was in the wrong here. On the bus this morning, woman got on with two children aged about 5, dressed up, obviously excited about going somewhere. One of the children was dressed as a cowboy, complete with toy gun. I'll admit I hate seeing children playing with guns, but I know not everyone feels the same. They sat behind and across the aisle from me and I was reading a book and trying not to be distracted - they were fairly noisy but not unreasonably so in the circumstances.

A few stops before I was getting off I looked up to find the child with the toy gun pointing it at me and pulling the trigger repeatedly. The woman hadn't seen as she was rootling about in her bag. So I said to the child, not sharply but firmly, 'Please don't point your gun at me, it isn't very nice'. The woman looked up and apologised. Then she took the child on her lap for a cuddle and started a loud conversation with the other one about how adults sometimes talk to children instead of the adult who is with them and this is bad and wrong. Which is OK if it's her position, but nothing at all about how sometimes when you point guns at people and pretend to shoot them they don't like it and they ask you not to. I was tempted to say to her that if her child was too young to be asked by strangers not to point his toy gun at them, then he was too young to be allowed to play with it in a public place - but I was about to get off the bus so I didn't.

So, MN jury, WIBU to speak directly to the child?

OP posts:
DoinItFine · 03/12/2016 14:38

It is good for a 5 year old child to learn that other people have feelings.

The OP was polite and just asked him to stop doing something that was bothering her.

It wouldn't have bothered me. But so what?

Asking people on buses to desist from things you find troubling is part of living in a society.

A society that 5 year olds are a part of.

There was no reason to say anything to his mother.

He's old enough to speak to the person seated next to him on public transport.

What kind of children are we raising if only their parents may speak directly to them?

That is too fucking weird.

Sparklingbrook · 03/12/2016 14:39

You can't ban toy guns, we love a bit of Nerf Wars here.

MozzchopsThirty · 03/12/2016 14:39
  1. It wouldn't have bothered me, if I'm not in the mood to interact I'll just keep my head down
  2. You shouldn't have spoken to the child

I would've said something to your face about that

EccentricPickle · 03/12/2016 14:40

This reminds me of when I shot a nursery teacher with my fingers when I was 3 or 4.

She told me off because "we didn't have guns in nursery".

Ok, first of all it wasn't a real gun, it was my fingers. I wasn't really going to shoot her 🙄. And second, I was playing He-Man - how would I defeat the baddies without a gun.

Trifleorbust · 03/12/2016 14:40

I don't see why he shouldn't be told. It was a polite request.

willconcern · 03/12/2016 14:40

I'd have pretended to be shot. So I think YABU to tell him off.

However his mum was being unreasonable to talk about how it was wrong for you to speak to him directly. I'd have told my son that some people don't like guns pointing at them, even toy ones.

DoinItFine · 03/12/2016 14:41

I think toy guns are no big deal AND I think it is OK for people to speak to children.

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 03/12/2016 14:42

Why can't people speak to children? Might they explode?

DoinItFine · 03/12/2016 14:44

If people may not speak to your children, then yoyr children should not be out in publuc.

Social discourse is expected in public places.

If your children are too fragile for being spoken to by humans, best keep them safely in your house.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 03/12/2016 14:46

Toy guns were bought by us for our ds's when they were young children, usually as part of a cowboy or soldier dressing up set.

They also had plastic swords, knives and light sabres' ; all weapons that haven't turned them into homicidal maniacs in their young adulthood.

The Mother was an arse though to bitch about you within earshot.

Pattakiller · 03/12/2016 14:47

It's fine to talk to children, but why criticise their behaviour? If you have a problem with a child's behaviour and want to complain, complain to the parent who is standing right by them.

"Please don't point that gun at me, it scares/upsets me/I don't like it" - fine.
"Your behaviour isn't nice" - not fine.

glitterazi · 03/12/2016 14:48

What kind of children are we raising if only their parents may speak directly to them?

That is too fucking weird.

Agree completely. That'd be where the "you can't tell me not to do something, you're not my mum!" attitude comes from some kids.

Bedsheets4knickers · 03/12/2016 14:49

This is a perfect example of how ridiculous we have got with telling kids off .. of course what you said to the child was fine .. I wouldn't think twice about telling a child I wasn't liking behaviour if it was effecting me .
My son has toy guns . We've always told them not to aim at people unless he is playing a shooting game with them .
I don't really like guns either but accept little boys do ..
You was right OP and the mother was being ridiculous .

MrsHiddleston · 03/12/2016 14:50

I'd have pretended to die very dramatically probably. But even if I did have a massive problem with toys guns I wouldn't have reprimanded the child, I would have said nothing.

Pattakiller · 03/12/2016 14:50

If you're criticising the behaviour of a child who is with their parent, then really you're criticising the parent ("You aren't supervising well enough"/"You are ok with behaviour I don't like") - so complain directly to them, and not through their child.

MozzchopsThirty · 03/12/2016 14:50

If you have a problem with a child's behaviour speak to the parent not the child!
Unless you're teaching them, running a club etc and are in charge of that child

Random on the bus doesn't want toy gun pointed at them Hmm oh please, really not necessary

Original poster
morningtoncrescent62 · 03/12/2016 14:54

Thanks for the replies. I definitely wouldn't join in the way some pp have suggested, because that would be encouraging a child to play at shooting people which wouldn't sit right for me.

"Please don't point that gun at me, it scares/upsets me/I don't like it" - fine.
"Your behaviour isn't nice" - not fine.

Good point. I'm still not sure about the etiquette of talking directly to children, and whether there's an age at which it becomes OK to talk to an accompanied child (etiquette has moved on since mine were that age), but I think the way you've phrased it is better than what I said.

OP posts:
BakeOffBiscuits · 03/12/2016 14:55

Was it the Milky Bar Kid?

Haven't seen him for aaaaages.

eyebrowsonfleek · 03/12/2016 14:55

I live in a house full of Nerf guns and think yanbu.
If you had told me to ask my child to stop pointing a gun at you, I'd be wondering why you hadn't asked him yourself. It's very passive aggressive to discuss a school age child's behaviour with a carer in front of the child.

It sounds like you phrased your displeasure calmly and concisely. You have every right not to want the gun pointed at you.

DoinItFine · 03/12/2016 14:56

No, if I have a problem with a person's behaviour I will speak to them.

That is what happens in society - we address one another politely if someone does something that bothers us.

It's no big deal to b3 asked not to point a gun in the face of the person you are sitting beside.

"Please don't do that, I don't like it."
"OK"

Children are not dogs out with their owners. They are fellow humans.

You really shouldn't put a child sitting beside a stranger on a bus if you think the child will be damaged if the person interacts with them in any way.

TheGruffaloMother · 03/12/2016 14:56

I'm with the child's mother in these circumstances.

The kid was playing. In a way that wasn't inappropriate, dangerous or against any rules of the environment they were in. You taking exception to it doesn't actually mean they've done anything wrong so no, you shouldn't have assumed you had the authority to tell the child what to do just because you're an adult. If it bothered you that much, you should have spoken to his mother, who was present and able to parent her child as she sees fit.

If it were a nerf gun, or he was getting in your face, or shouting at you aggressively, or doing anything that would make the way he was playing unquestionably unacceptable, I'd have said it was fine to say something directly to the child.

Original poster
morningtoncrescent62 · 03/12/2016 14:56

Was it the Milky Bar Kid?

Now you mention it, there was quite a likeness! Though this morning's child needed glasses to make the resemblance complete.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 03/12/2016 14:56

Parents moaning about you talking directly to their child to ask them not to do something are usually just embarrassed and precious: "no-one else gets to tell off my child" etc. If they were properly supervising, the child wouldn't be pointing the fake fun at strangers on the bus. It's rude. They have nothing to complain about as long as you are talking in a firm level tone and not aggressively.

Trifleorbust · 03/12/2016 14:56

*gun

MarshaBrady · 03/12/2016 14:58

Toy guns aside - not keen and wouldn't buy one, but then again children can end up playing the same sort of thing with sticks - I don't think the mother was right to say it was wrong to speak to the child directly.

Regardless of the toy gun stance, it isn't bad or wrong to say something to directly to a child, I find the mother's response even more irritating. All that speaking about someone in earshot through the child is so annoying.

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