Brother being overly loud with friends at 10pm....,,

[thinkimcrazy]

So I've come up to stay with my mum this weekend as it's her birthday tomorrow and she needs help at her shop today as she's short staffed so I had to come up last night in order to work today. Now I've come up with my DP and 5 month lb. my brother and his friends are 22 and were playing PlayStation. Come 9:50 I had txt him to say we were shattered my lb was asleep could they please keep the noise down, so we could go to bed. 5 mins later they're shouting again so I knock on his door and again ask them to please keep the noise down as we're trying to sleep and my lb was going to get woken up. 20 mins after that I start getting txt from him saying he's got his mates round and how this is his home and he doesn't moan when my lb wakes him up at the early hours of the morning. My mum was out at the time and when she got back I also got txt from her saying this is my brothers home he shouldn't have to be silent and if my little boy was tired he'd sleep through the noise (I think he downplayed how loud he actually was) I explained how loud he was being but she still insisted I was out of order. Even though he would never be that loud if she was in. We live 90 miles away so don't have anywhere else to stay but please tell me if IABU in texting him last night and going into his room just before 10pm asking him and his friends to keep the noise down? Sorry long winded post xx

He's known for over a month that I'd be down this weekend for my mums birthday

I originally thought you were being unreasonable, as I got the impression it was a late decision for you to visit and thought your bro had probably arranged for his friends to come over before he knew you would be there.

But now I think the person who is being unreasonable is your mum. I have a 22 year old son. If I also had a daughter visiting with her partner and baby, I would say to DS that he should rearrange for another night, or at least make sure that the noise is kept down.

I find threads like this very thought provoking. I have 3 dcs - all young adults and I like to think I treat them all fairly. But I do need to keep challenging myself about how they each might see things.

Your mum and brother sound like selfish cunts to be honest. My mum would never do this, and surprisingly enough neither would my evil mil. You shouldn't help out next time if they can't show basic consideration to a 5 month old baby.

So just an update for you all, me and my mum spoke and we've had to agree to disagree on the situation.
She thinks it's unfair for him to not be able to shout when him and his friends are playing Fifa and he can do as he likes as it's his home.
My point of view is I didn't ask him to be silent I asked him to keep the noise down and from now on I won't be coming over unless he's either out or away for the weekend, which is sad cause it means he misses out on time with his nephew, but like I said to my mum it's unfair to say that we should have to put up with that noise with a baby around.
We're supposed to be coming up from Boxing Day and staying over a week but I might come up on the day and possibly go home the day after or look into staying in a b&b or something.
Thanks everyone for the input, she's tried telling me I should apologise but I've had to put my foot down and say I'm not the sort of person to apologise for something I'm not sorry for, I'm not two faced and not will I start just to be a people pleaser. (Not my style)

What exactly are you meant to be apologising for? . All you did was ask him to keep the noise down fgs. Regardless of whether or not it was reasonable to expect him to comply, you just asked him if he would do something. Does that merit an apology?!

When we've been staying with PILS I've sometimes asked if they would mind turning the tv down if I've gone to bed before them. It's their house not mine but surely there's no harm in Making a polite request?!

Erm, so you've gone over to do her a favour and you are the one that is supposed to apologise, for asking your DB to stop shouting because you were trying to get a 5 m/o baby to sleep?

I wouldn't stay there again and I would be quite blunt about the reason why.

Has your brother always been the golden child?

Your mum is ridiculous

For knocking on his room and asking them to keep it down.
Both brothers have always been the golden children, although the other one has moved out.
I did say to her that I won't be coming over again if I can't put my baby to bed by 10 at the latest without him being woken up by man-children shouting. Which is a real shame since I live 2 hours away and the only time they see my lb is when I go home.

Does she think he should apologise to you on the occasions he asks you to keep your little one quiet on a morning so as not to disturb HIS sleep? Or does it not cut both ways?

Bollocks to that. You're not appreciated. You're lower down in the pecking order and sorry OP, that must crush

Dust yourself off, go home with your family, just remind yourself you stayed strong and that that whenever they want you to do a favour/help out/sort out mothers care home, they can fuck off and then fuck off some more.

I know I'm down the pecking order, always have been, you do get used to it.
I'm the oldest and my lb is the only grandchild at the moment so everyone loves seeing him, but they don't realise that I mean what I say and the next time they'll see me is on Boxing Day.

Even without a baby I would have thought it was very inconsiderate behaviour to be so noisy when there are other people in the house who would like to go to sleep. 10pm is quite a normal time to go to sleep if you are working the next day isnt' it?

From your posts it sounds like your DM isn't very nice at other times either. Hope things improve for you.

I was going to say yabu until I saw your mum's latest response. If she wants your help, she needs to ensure you and the baby can sleep. Yanbu, stick to your plan of staying only on Boxing Day. I think your brother is the golden child by the sounds of it.

Apparently doesn't count for me, even when I lived there him and his mates kept waking me up one night when I had work the next day and when he had a moan next day that people was ringing the doorbell at 9am on a Saturday morning I made a sarcastic comment about it must feel the same as getting woke up at stupid o'clock when you have work. He deleted me told my mum and I got in shit for it cause I embarrassed him on social media.

Stick to your guns, they need to learn some boundaries...
If they can't make a little effort to accommodate your lb, then they can miss out.

Exactly what I'm thinking, I'm not normally unreasonable threatening with seeing him but if he can't respect that my lb shouldn't have to go to bed past 10pm then they won't see him

You are so totally right. I cannot believe your mum or brother are being so utterly ridiculous. So so selfish.

Tbh I'd be reconsidering Boxing Day.

Travel for 2hrs to people who don't give a shit?

No thanks!

Well tell her to do one. He's an adult and it is deeply unattractive that he's running off to Mummy to moan about his big ol' mean sister commenting on his FB and not being amazed at how precious and wonderful he is.

I'd not bother with Christmas to be honest; make your own plans.

Well I think yanbu.
Yes it's his house but there were guests. In my house I tend to wander around in the nip but when I have guest I make sure I have clothes on.

He is 22 not 15. I'm sure like many mners I was living on my own at 22 and not up late playing games with my friends and shouting.

I'd be inclined to ask your mum what your status is in her house. If it's no longer your home (and therefore giving you some say in the level of noise) then presumably you are staying as a guest. In which case you should be given all the usual courtesies shown to a guest. For 3 guests to be quietly trying to settle down while one of the hosts makes lots of noise is very rude.

Cutting all ties as some posters are suggesting seems a bit dramatic. But I would make it clear to your mum that you won't be able to stay over anymore unless she can guarantee you'll be able to settle down at a decent time. And, if she can't guarantee that, then in your current condition, 2 long drives on Boxing Day would be too much for you. The ball is then in her court.

YANBU your brother sounds like a teenager. He wanted to have his friends over because mummy had gone out for the evening and he obviously didn't care he was waking your baby up. Maybe I'm just projecting (because this is the kind of thing my brother/mum would do) but does your mum have a habit of babying him?

YANBU. I would just not visit if that is your mother and brother's attitude. I stopped visiting my own parents for similar reasons many years ago. Don't cut all ties, but don't put yourself in the position of being a second class citizen.

Actually, it isn't his house it's your DM's house. I guess you could always tell her that as you didn't get much sleep, you can't help her out as much as you planned e.g. start late, take a midday nap, finish early etc.

Otherwise, I'd suck it up this time, and never volunteer to help out again. Or at least not until your DC are much. much older, or DB has left home. And tell your DM why.

If you weren't there as invited guest & to help your mum you'd be unreasonable. But he knew you were coming & why so he should have kept the noise down or gone to a mate's house instead.