To not have got anything for my colleague at Greggs?

[JustGettingStarted]

That's right! A Greggs thread!

I was in Edinburgh on business last week and a colleague was staying in the same hotel. I got up before sunrise to walk across town in freezing cold to go to the gym. Any virtuous points were forfeited when I stopped at Greggs for a bacon roll and coffee. The queue was out the door and it was a long wait, but I love a bacon roll!

Just after I had ordered and paid my colleague texted to ask if I wanted to meet for breakfast. I replied that I had just ordered at Greggs. My order was then served to me and when I was putting sugar in, she texted again: "Oh, lovely. Could you please get me a latte and a pain au chocolat? Bring it to my room and I will pay you back."

The queue was even longer by now and I just wanted to walk back with my room and eat on the way. So I texted "I'm sorry, I've already paid and received my order and the queue is out the door." I then walked back.

I guess the sound of traffic blocked the next ping, and I didn't see that she'd texted "Oh, please? I am really craving it and it's just so cold out. Please?" I didn't hear until the next ping which was for a second text: "????"

I replied that I was now on my way back, sorry.

Colleague was pretty miffed with me when she saw me later. She seemed to think that I had been selfish.

Not sure if this is relevant, but I find her a bit clingy She asked me to eat every meal with her and badgered me daily to ride on the attractions at the Christmas fair in Princess Street Gardens, although I repeatedly said that I had no desire to swing about in baskets 60 metres up in the freezing cold. She also texts me stupid questions like I'm her personal Google "What's the best pain killer for muscle aches?" "what's the weather forecast for tomorrow "

So maybe I was being mean?

To be honest, I wanted to just eat my roll with one hand and drink my coffee with the other and not carry her stuff.

WIBU?

She sounds like a nightmare.

No one has to do a favour for anyone.

Telling people that they are mean or it a good friend/person/whatever because they put their own needs first isn't acceptable.

The OP and anyone else has every right to say no.

I wonder how many posts accusing the OP of being a doormat there would have been if she posted moaning that her breakfast was ruined and she was late for work because she had gone back into a shop to queue for a colleagues pastry?

She's not just hapless, she's unstable.

Although I do feel very sorry for her, there is nothing you can do. Don't feel guilty. Unfortunately I just don't know how to get rid of her.

Thanks for answering, understand you don't want to derail. Have been self-employed myself, neither controversiallly nor lucratively so I get that it's not for the flaky...

I don't know how to get rid of her, either.

She just texted to say that she's ill from getting soaking wet yesterday and her cold is much worse and she's exhausted from pushing two huge suitcases around.

She has all her belongings either in storage or in her suitcases. She conveniently has a second huge suitcase because a few weeks ago she stole so many towels from a hotel that she needed to buy one to drag them "home" with her. She's perpetually stealing towels. She says "But I will need them for my new home!" Not long ago she texted to ask if I thought she could get away with stealing pillows. She said they were wonderful pillows and was going to call reception in the evening and ask for more, figuring that housekeeping wouldn't know about them in the morning. I told her to stop stealing shit from hotels. She insisted that it was necessary. I finally talked her out of it by pointing out that countless strangers had drooled on them. She also takes armfuls of hotel toiletries from the maid's carts. My kids love fancy little bottles of shower gel so I have taken some home, too, but she'll get dozens.

And when I was clearing my crap out of the flat and throwing things away, she kept taking things out of the bin bag. OK, some of it was sort of useful and I didn't need it but she's paying to store it all.

She travels with a humidifier (to Glasgow!) because she thinks she needs one. She travels with little votive candles and air fresheners because she thinks it's crucial to make a hotel room homey. She's always buying snake oil from Holland and Barratt because smoking and drinking heavily make her feel like rubbish.

And she is convinced that various expensive French creams will take away cellulite and her extra chins.

Fine if that's what she wants to do but she is always telling me about them and urging me to use them, myself. It's deeply annoying.

I am afraid if I tell her to leave me alone she'll do something dramatic and hysterical.

Ok, are you 'colleagues' in the sense of work selling the same product such as FL etc? If so that makes her harder to cut loose but it could also help if you have a regional trainer etc linked to the business you could talk to?

Utterly self employed but if we are in the same place we will know it.

I gain a lot of valuable information from networking. Particularly regarding good places to travel. She's new to the travel aspect and relies on me for the information. Much of this information is jealously guarded secrets and I have taken a while to get where I am. I also go out of my way, like taking detours to visit potential resources.

I have considered telling her that there's a private Facebook group where a handful of trustworthy people share this information with the understanding that we are not to talk about them on the public forums and we also take care to avoid getting in each other's way if our products are too similar. I say that I considered it but something holds me back. I know that some of her struggle is because she doesn't know this stuff. I tell her a few things personally but I just don't want to invite her into this private group. I guess just to make it easier to distance myself.

Do not invite her to that group!

She does not sound well. At all.

Resolve to only answer her texts twice a day no matter what. Do not waver. And even then only neutral answers like "Poor you". If she asks a direct question: "No idea, sorry" Keep it brief and do not get sucked into a text "chain". Go silent.

Avoid
Avoid
Avoid

No! Don't add her! It doesn't sound like she is going to last long in the business tbh

Don't invite her to the group, it will ruin your credibility.

That's a good point.

Earlier in the thread, a couple of weeks ago, I posted that I felt some sort of responsibility for her because I had offered to help her. And she went ahead and saved her money and got a flat. I was relieved for her.

Now I am really annoyed with her.

She alluded to mental issues and meds. I believe that she gets them mailed to her from an ex in her home country. He's a psychiatrist and, according to her, emotionally abusive. I don't know if she's ever been properly diagnosed or anything. But I have a friend with a mentally ill relative who has, in manic spells, spent every penny he has on things he doesn't remember. So I don't know how annoyed I should be with her.

I did tell her on the phone a couple of days ago that she needs to grow up and accept that no man was going to rescue her. Nobody was going to buy her designer handbags any more (she adores luxury and thinks it is her right). I also told her that if she keeps careening from crisis to crisis, people will run out of sympathy for her. I said that it's hard to care enough to help while also being detached enough to not be upset when she fucks up.

I wouldn't be surprised if she got hysterical and very drunk and perhaps even threatened suicide or made an attempt if I were to be honest and cut her off.

If she threatens suicide you immediately ring an ambulance to her address.

That is the only responsible response.

Thank you, elspeth. I will do that.

OK. I am taking the advice above to reply only twice a day to her texts, very non-committal. And if/when she fails to get the money in the bank by the end of business Friday, I will avoid her calls entirely. I am not going to be a shoulder for her to cry on, again.

And if she flips out I will just ignore and call emergency services if necessary.

If she's mentally unwell then it would be a good idea for her to access suitable help in this country, not be sent medicines from another country by her possibly abusive ex! Is there some way she could be persuaded to see the GP in this country, to access proper support, legitimate medication, counselling and signposting to suitable services, and be free of the ex? If she's genuinely not well then the main thing she needs to do for herself is accept what's on offer from the NHS. Only if that's sorted out will everything begin to fall into place.

She was probably being a bit needy but I can't get it through my head that someone would be so selfish as not to queue for an extra minute to get somebody something.

Maybe it's a Northern thing as I would say it was very very selfish not to bring your colleague back something if they'd asked.

It would be an extra ten minutes at least if the queue is out the door.

She's done it, again. We had a discussion in Edinburgh about clashing in the same locations and how it negatively affects us both. We agreed to stay out of one anothers way. She just told me that she's going to be in the same location as I am (and staying at the same hotel, again) next week.

I said that I couldn't tell her what to do but she knows that I am not happy. She only knows what I do and she has zero ability to plan anything for herself.

If she shows up I am blanking her. Totally finished with her, end of. She'll probably cause a scene. I don't care. I'm considering moving myself to another location but this is a good one for me. I haven't been in a while and I got a great deal on accommodation and she knows that I booked everything months ago.

Just tell her to stop following you around and sort herself out. You are not her mentor!
Tell her its unprofessional to keep turning up at your hotels to try to take your business.

Cut her out of your life or you will never hear the end of it. You will end up losing business if she uses your name to get hers as her unreliability will be linked to you.

Mrs Matt: why should the op go and stand back in a queue for 10 - 15 minutes juggling her own breakfast or letting it go cold when the 'friend' only needed to walk downstairs in the hotel for a free breakfast, the exact same as she wanted op to get her?

Just to update, I told her to leave me alone. She'd told me that she was going to the same place as me, again and when I said something about it, she told me that I was the reason she spends all her money.

I told her that it would be best if she didn't talk to me, then.

I think I was hypocritical for several months. Shortly after she moved into my flat I became aware of how hapless she was and was appalled at the way she conducts her life. I did not respect her, and it's impossible to be "friends" with someone you don't respect.

I wanted to extricate myself and I guess I knew it wouldn't be easy. I don't know if I should have done it earlier.

I think you've done the right thing, she's obviously bonkers for conkers! Watch yourself with other people in your line of work, she may well attach herself to someone else and slate you behind your back. Just be yourself - the truth always comes out eventually.

Should you have done it earlier? Probably but you were trying to be kind. Don't beat yourself up over that.

How does she find out where you are going? I never lie (genuinely), but this is one situation where I can see that having a secondary itinerary would be useful. i.e. your official itinerary is Edinburgh, Glasgow, blah, blah, but your unofficial one is Manchester, Birmingham, Edinburgh, etc.

She is seriously a bit deranged, OP. I think I'd block and delete - her problems are exactly that - hers.

You have tried again and again to help, and she has taken (as her right) and taken and not thought or planned for her own future.

She is not your problem. Avoid.