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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have got anything for my colleague at Greggs?

146 replies

JustGettingStarted · 02/12/2016 19:21

That's right! A Greggs thread! Grin

I was in Edinburgh on business last week and a colleague was staying in the same hotel. I got up before sunrise to walk across town in freezing cold to go to the gym. Any virtuous points were forfeited when I stopped at Greggs for a bacon roll and coffee. The queue was out the door and it was a long wait, but I love a bacon roll!

Just after I had ordered and paid my colleague texted to ask if I wanted to meet for breakfast. I replied that I had just ordered at Greggs. My order was then served to me and when I was putting sugar in, she texted again: "Oh, lovely. Could you please get me a latte and a pain au chocolat? Bring it to my room and I will pay you back."

The queue was even longer by now and I just wanted to walk back with my room and eat on the way. So I texted "I'm sorry, I've already paid and received my order and the queue is out the door." I then walked back.

I guess the sound of traffic blocked the next ping, and I didn't see that she'd texted "Oh, please? I am really craving it and it's just so cold out. Please?" I didn't hear until the next ping which was for a second text: "????"

I replied that I was now on my way back, sorry.

Colleague was pretty miffed with me when she saw me later. She seemed to think that I had been selfish.

Not sure if this is relevant, but I find her a bit clingy She asked me to eat every meal with her and badgered me daily to ride on the attractions at the Christmas fair in Princess Street Gardens, although I repeatedly said that I had no desire to swing about in baskets 60 metres up in the freezing cold. She also texts me stupid questions like I'm her personal Google "What's the best pain killer for muscle aches?" "what's the weather forecast for tomorrow "

So maybe I was being mean?

To be honest, I wanted to just eat my roll with one hand and drink my coffee with the other and not carry her stuff.

WIBU?

OP posts:
WinterIsHereJon · 03/12/2016 12:02

Totally off topic but do they sell peach Melbas in greggs in Scotland? I used to live in Newcastle and they were my favourite. I've since moved further south; greggs finally reached us a couple of years ago but they don't serve them here!! I've always wondered what the peach Melba boundary was!

OzzieFem · 03/12/2016 12:16

Jeez OP, you have a lot of patience with this colleague. According to some of the previous posters I would be beyond redemption, a cold hearted bitch, etc. etc. if this happened to me, because I would have told her to get lost months ago.

I wonder if those sanctimonious posters would really react the way they are saying you should have in this situation. Somehow I doubt it! Hmm

WeirdAndPissedOff · 03/12/2016 14:38

YANBU at all! Colleague is BU to expect to queue again while your food gets cold. Plus queuing twice would be a pain anyway!
Though tbh she sounds quite annoying in general.

Winter - I live in the Midlands (near Notts) and they don't sell peach melba here. I wonder if they have area specific items? I know the ones in Kent do Tottenham cakes, while all the stuff in our local ones seems quite standard.

Willow2016 · 03/12/2016 16:55

Meh
this woman needs to get a grip and realise you arent her PA.

That hotel is one of the best in Edinburgh (if its the one I am thinking of) if she chose a gregs over a free breakfast there then she needs her head examined! (I get that you were out early for a purpose so didnt have it OP)

She really needs to take some responsibility for herself. How on earth does she manage her business at other events when OP isnt there? Does she never go down to breakfast? Never make any appointments for herself? Dont think so, her business would have gone bust by now!

Tell her to grow the hell up and take some responsibilty for herself she is 39 not bloody 3.

You have explained to her that its not good business practice to turn up at the same events, yet she did so, you mentioned a hotel in passing, she turned up there and extended her stay in Edinburgh, you mentioned a hairdresser, she asked you to get her an appointment there, you went for a blooming bacon buttie she wanted something from there too... she is bloody stalking you! Tell her to do one.

SooBee61 · 03/12/2016 17:06

To be honest, her behaviour is a bit stalker-ish. Keep clear, I would.

SooBee61 · 03/12/2016 17:10

And HMRC will catch up with her one day, rest assured!

FrancisCrawford · 03/12/2016 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ptumbi · 03/12/2016 17:21

I think you were mean. She did ask nicely. I would have gone back. Kindness is free and it wouldn't have hurt you to stand in that queue again. - but why? Why on god's green earth would you have stood in the cold, in a long queue, while your own breakfast goes cold, to buy a pain au chocolate for a colleague who is in a nice warm hotel with a breakfast voucher for a nice Pain au Chocolate??

Of course you wouldn't.

TrapDoorInACanoe · 03/12/2016 19:22

What a clingy sod. No, you shouldn't have queued again for her. I'd only do that for my nearest and dearest, not work colleagues.

Cameron07 · 03/12/2016 21:56

Hi oh dear, another needy person, why is it these people can't do anything themselves, I have one of these who now asks if I am cross with her?? Cross what age are we. 54 not 14 !

Daydream007 · 03/12/2016 23:50

How mean. She probably just values your opinion and values spending time with you, she does sound lonely and should find herself someone kinder to pal out with.

TheDayIBroke · 04/12/2016 00:03

Her clinginess and haplessness would drive me away. YANBU at all, and I can't understand some posters on here saying that you should have gone back to stand in a queue to get breakfast for someone who could get the latte and pain au chocolat with her breakfast voucher in the hotel! Perhaps what you could have done is not reply to the persistent texts and say you hadn't heard them come through.

I've been in this kind of situation with a SIL and she had more grip than a barnacle! I'm free of her now and feel I can breathe.

Willow2016 · 04/12/2016 01:06

Daydream
Did you actually read all the thread? The woman doesnt have a clue how firiendshop works.

Op has given her somewhere to live while she sorted herself out.
Helped here with references.
Got her a nank account (at 34 she cant even open a bank account???)
Dorted her hair appopintment out.
Given her business advice.

How much more kindness does she actually need?

Friendship isnt expecting your 'friend' to do everything for you.

Its not ignoring what your friend says and doing it anyway.
Its not expecting them to stand and freeze while their breakfast goes cold while you sit in a posh hotel with a free breakfast voucher for the very thing you are asking them to queue up for while their own breakfast can go cold!

Maverickismywingman · 04/12/2016 01:10

Just start saying no. And not be too friendly when she texts.

This particular time - definitely not being unreasonable. You were finished in the queue. If she was craving one that much she would've got her ass to Greggs

TrickyD · 04/12/2016 08:02

YWNBU to refuse to queue again, but YWBU to eat a bacon roll and drink coffee in the street. Grin

ptumbi · 04/12/2016 14:21

Amazing, really that people are posting that the OP is 'mean' - I'd much much rather a friend sorted me out a flat to live in, a bank account and references... than got me a pain au chocolate.

Original poster
JustGettingStarted · 14/12/2016 07:59

I didn't want to start a new thread, but maybe I should have.

I need to vent.

She had managed to save the money to get her own flat. At the time I posted this, she was just about to move out of the flat I had let her stay in. There was a gap of a few days before she could move in to her new home. She was travelling for business in the interim. I had given up the tenancy and given back the keys a couple of days after she moved out.

When she got the flat, she was so excited and texting constantly about her new life. It was her first proper home in over a decade (had had dodgy flatmates or lived with boyfriends). I was happy for her and impressed that she'd pulled it off. She had not paid taxes, had a UK bank account or anything so it wasn't easy for her. I had given an employer reference via my limited company. I am aware that some people will find this immoral but I know she earns decent money and I wanted to help her get her life on track. She got a UK bank account and talked about registering with HMRC and paying tax after I pointed out how being legit meant being able to rent, get credit, etc. So I thought she was going in the right direction.

She called me Thursday night and confessed that she had spent all of the money due on moving in. (For some reason the agency insisted that she not pay until the day of taking on the tenancy. Everything, rent and deposit was to be paid then.)

She said that she was off her meds and had gone crazy and spent all the money and didn't know what on. Restaurants and makeup and cocktails. She wasn't sure. We're talking about a couple of thousand pounds. Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
JustGettingStarted · 14/12/2016 07:59

Sorry I hit post too soon. I'll continue.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustGettingStarted · 14/12/2016 08:14

I think she assumed that she could earn the money back. She went on the road, anyway, as she had ten days to kill before she could move in. Only she didn't earn any money. She also made bad choices and went to cities she's already hit several times recently and stayed in more expensive hotels than necessary. Once was because she was going to hook up with a married man who said he'd prefer her to stay in a certain nice place out of the town centre. He then blew her off,anyway. (This happens to her a lot. She latches on to a married man and he runs a mile when he gets a whiff of the neediness.)

She texted me in despair during that trip and said that sales were nonexistent and she was quitting and getting drunk. She texted the next day hung over on the train to the next town saying that she'd spent £80 on cocktails.

The next town was dire. There were at least fifteen other competitors in town that week. I know one of them and she said it was grim. My colleague also stayed in a hotel twice as expensive as previous because she had some petty issues with housekeeping on the last trip.

Then she fled that town and went elsewhere. Sales were stronger but there were serious issues with her pitch necessitating workmen that disrupted business severely.

That was when she called me and told me that she didn't have the money to move in.

Her account of how much she does have varies as she's hysterical and flakey/not very bright. She was maybe £1000 short.

She managed to postpone the move in date twice. She also paid the deposit and is expected to pay the rent on Friday. I can't tell how much more she needs. She babbles about a hotel refund being due and money in a foreign bank account. She's about to go to a town where she should do well but the hotels are expensive. She's going to have to take a bus to get to her bank during the busiest time of the day to get the money in the bank by 5pm on Friday.

There are constant texts veering between elation and despair. She also keeps asking my advice on where to go and which hotels to stay in.

It's exhausting.

OP posts:
ChristmasEvePJs · 14/12/2016 08:29

You need to cut her loose, she is not actually your colleague, nor you sibling, child or friend!

Trills · 14/12/2016 08:34

There's such a massive social pressure on women to be 'nice' not rock the boat and to pander to shite relationships.

This is very well said.

There's no obligation to like everyone. No reason why you should be so grateful that someone wants you to do a favour for them that you should do it.

Trills · 14/12/2016 08:38

Kindness is free and it wouldn't have hurt you to stand in that queue again.

This sounds like the relatives who won't ever get a taxi and expect people to do a 3-hour round trip instead. Time and effort are "free" apparently. No, they are not.

SecondRow · 14/12/2016 08:56

Was she asking or expecting you to lend her the £1000 shortfall? Did you make clear that you wouldn't?

Also I know it's not the point of the thread but I'm so curious about your/her line of work! Does she just go from one town to the next on a whim, as it doesn't sound like trade fairs or bookings where she'd know months in advance where she needs to be - because then the hotel bookings would need to be sorted in advance too? What sort of places are these "pitches" where she and all the competitors rock up?

Sorry, I know you won't want to out yourself OP, just trying to get my head around it Xmas Smile

ceecee32 · 14/12/2016 08:59

Do NOT engage. She needs to learn to stsnd on her own two feet. Keep repeating to yourself 'she is not my responsibility'

Original poster
JustGettingStarted · 14/12/2016 09:08

secondrow I think she knows better than to ask me. A couple of days ago she was bitterly complaining about her siblings who refused to lend her any money, saying that they had none to spare. I said, "This is true of parents before Christmas." So if she was thinking of going there that may have headed her off.

I know that the line of business is mystifying. I don't think I want to go there because it will derail the thread. It involves sales, travelling around, staying in hotels and can be extremely lucrative if you're not an unstable idiot. It can also vary wildly. One week you're making thousands and the next you're struggling to pay the overheads. Smart people save for the lean times, pay tax and have credit, etc. It's legal but controversial and a lot of people who get into it aren't exactly stable. Short-sited greed means not paying tax and living a cash existence. I know a lot of people in her shoes. I also know some with multiple homes paid off and pensions.

OP posts: