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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that boarding school is cruel

135 replies

Wrinkley · 02/12/2016 09:07

Can't help but think that boarding school is really unfair on children, especially younger ones. Apart from all the issues of the trauma of being separated from parents, what if they have any problems at school? There is literally no escape. To me, it just seems cruel to subject children to this type of life.

OP posts:

PhotosGinAndALongLieIn · 02/12/2016 09:10

I dunno, I mean Hogwarts looked fun to me.

crayfish · 02/12/2016 09:10

I agree but pleanty of people don't. Is there a reason why you are posting about it though?

User543212345 · 02/12/2016 09:10

FOr both me and DH it was better than being at home. When you have difficult family being away at school is a blessing. I was devastated when I was taken out and put in day school.

BishopBrennansArse · 02/12/2016 09:10

~ fetches popcorn ~

welshweasel · 02/12/2016 09:11

Plenty of posts about this if you search. Short answer, YABU, for the right children it can be brilliant. I assume you have no personal experience?

RentANDBills · 02/12/2016 09:12

One of my flatmates went to boarding school and she absolutely loved it.
She's confident and popular though, so I imagine she could hold her own more so than someone shy and with less friends.
But perhaps she's confident BECAUSE she went to boarding school?

EsmeCordelia · 02/12/2016 09:13

It's certainly not for everyone. I loved it and thrived but not all of my siblings did. So I think it is very much dependant on the character of the child.

Witchend · 02/12/2016 09:13

You might think that: However:
I was at a school that was round about 1/4 boarding. there were a number of people there who had asked their parents to board. There were a number of boarders whose parents had since moved to be near and they chose to continue boarding.
None of these had bad home lives, they just loved boarding.

I have a letter written from a little girl in the Dragon school (primary age). It was in a second hand book I bought. It starts with "thank you thank you thank you for sending me here. I love it so much. I miss you sometimes and can't wait until you visit me and I can show you round..."

Is this the sign of a cruel life?

ragingsister · 02/12/2016 09:15

I think yabu if you have no experience and are just judging from afar.

For the right children it looks great.

MyBreadIsEggy · 02/12/2016 09:15

I wouldn't choose it for my children. But for a lot of other military families, it works really well. One of my friends moves around a hell of a lot. Her twins were going into year 10 when they were posted for the millionth time, so it made sense for them to board instead of attend day school so as not to disrupt their GCSE years. They go home weekends and holidays and my friend travels to the school for music recitals, sports events etc

PaperdollCartoon · 02/12/2016 09:16

I have no personal experience of boarding but all my friends who do loved it, I'd consider it for my own children if it was right for them and we could afford it.

NonFatTofuttiRiceDreamsicle · 02/12/2016 09:17

I agree in theory, but I'd consider my audience carefully if I felt moved to ever say it out loud...

Someone close to me boarded from 7. Had a great time at secondary, not so much in the younger years.

I wouldn't consider it my dc, unless there were very very compelling reasonsreasons and they wanted to in the older years.

You are going to get a big range of responses here, good luck op!

DonkeyOaty · 02/12/2016 09:18

Bishop too early for popcorn for me, I've got milky coffee and croissants

herethereandeverywhere · 02/12/2016 09:19

I know a single mum (widow) who needs to work 12+ hours per day to support her and her 4 kids. The youngest(12) is at boarding school, the other 3 away studying/early stages of jobs but still financially dependent.

Friend had to choose between 12yr old spending many hours home alone with only a nanny for company. It is impossible (she tried when child was aged 10-11) to get a nanny of suitable seniority/authority/experience to look after an older child during wraparound school hours and to help with homework.

The option of being at school Mon-Fri with other kids same age as child to play games and do sport with, properly supervised and supported homework/prep and quality time at the weekends was a virtual no-brainer.

There are also the cases of parents where one or both have jobs that take them to places with poor education/prospects for kids or constant moving about. Boarding can also be a good choice for them.

Assuming that everyone's life is the same as your own is an error on your part. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes before you criticise their choices.

myyoyo · 02/12/2016 09:19

I don't know enough about boarding school to make a judgement.
What's your experience of boarding op?

Gileswithachainsaw · 02/12/2016 09:21

Some people would say the same about moving around alot and the resulting trauma of losing friends all the time and having massive gaps in their eduction.

People do what they feel is best fir their children. For some that would be boarding.

I'd have loved to. Would a beaten having to live with parents who I did nothing but disappoint and a brother who thought being violent towards me was a a fun past time...

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 02/12/2016 09:22

YANBU.

Theres an excellent phychologist called Nick Dufell who has made a career of working with "survivors" of boarding school. He has produced an excellent book and a documentary, both called "The making of them" really laying out the damage to a child psychology.

You can see the documentary on youtube here:

The kids who seem to coping well only look that way because they have built a "defensive personality" which can cause untold problems in later life. Particularly with empathy, forming relationships etc..

Nick Duffell says that boarding schools are only ever good for one group of children: Those who's home lives are so chaotic, neglectful or dysfunctional that boarding school provides more safety and security than their parents can give them at home.

So if your home life is so messed up that, were you workign class, social services would be seriously considering a care order: by all means institutionalise your children. If you are doing any better than that, dont.

meditrina · 02/12/2016 09:22

Boarding would clearly be wrong for OP's family.

That doesn't make it wrong for everyone else.

If the intended message is 'look vary carefully at pastoral care' and 'be alert to how your DC is getting along all the time' then of course that's valid and frankly it would never have occurred to me that parents don't do that, whatever educational choices they make for their DC.

BratFarrarsPony · 02/12/2016 09:23

I don't know I think it sounds like a good plan for older children tbh, especially weekly boarding.
Or for children who live in the middle of London for example.

welshweasel · 02/12/2016 09:28

I loved boarding school as did all my friends, a large number of whom I still see on a regular basis almost 20 years later. We are all married or in loving long term relationships, most of us have kids and we are without exception all close to our parents. I refuse to accept the 'all boarding school survivors are psychologically damaged' - it's just not true. We were mainly military kids or extremely talented musicians (I went to a specialist music school) so had good reasons for boarding but I can genuinely say that my school years were very happy.

GwendolynMary · 02/12/2016 09:32

YANBU OP, I had a simply horrid time at boarding school. That nasty Miss Grayling always sided with Darrell, Sally and Alicia. They were nothing more than bullies. I have never forgiven Mother. She was so selfish to send me there.

WhiskyTangoFoxtrot · 02/12/2016 09:33

Gwendolyn

YelloDraw · 02/12/2016 09:34

AIBU in thinking you should do a search because this has been done to death before...

You are being U OP - you have no idea what is best for other families.

GinIsIn · 02/12/2016 09:39

Seriously, if you have no knowledge of experience then why bother starting a thread.

For the right child, it can be good, for the wrong child, it can be bad, and you have no idea what you are talking about.

Gowgirl · 02/12/2016 09:41

I wanna go to malory towers and I'm 37

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