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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that boarding school is cruel

135 replies

Wrinkley · 02/12/2016 09:07

Can't help but think that boarding school is really unfair on children, especially younger ones. Apart from all the issues of the trauma of being separated from parents, what if they have any problems at school? There is literally no escape. To me, it just seems cruel to subject children to this type of life.

OP posts:
ShowMePotatoSalad · 02/12/2016 13:47

Didn't realise it was only people who have direct experiences of certain situations that are allowed to have an opinion.

CremeBrulee · 02/12/2016 13:51

Shall I quote some Mallory Towers for balance then??

YouOKHun · 02/12/2016 14:00

OP is either cutting and pasting her DM article as mentioned by a PP or she's busy reading all the other threads about the same thing that all pan out in the same way. Expect it'll take her some time. I do quite like an OP to pop back and give an eloquent conclusion full of wisdom but I guess we'll have to run with the usual 'boarding's great for some not for others' conclusion.

OCSockOrphanage · 02/12/2016 14:08

OH and I both boarded in the 60s and 70s, as we both came from serivces families, and neither of us liked it much. DS weekly boarded for Y8 because he wanted to, at the school he'd attended from nursery, and loved it, as did most of his friends. It was good for his sense of independence and responsibility. Another child whose family we knew quite well preferred being at school because home was so rural there was nobody to play with.

Since then, DS hasn't boarded for financial reasons, but also because we selfishly enjoy his company and hearing everyday's news. He will fly the nest quite soon enough.

dotdash · 02/12/2016 14:13

My DS is desperate to board. He is 14. He goes to a school with day pupils and boarders.
He won't be as we live far too close.

YelloDraw · 02/12/2016 14:38

So dh 30 years ago doesnt count either

Not really, no. It's like asking about 'what is Isis like to go traveling in' and someone giving their view from 30 years ago. Completely unrecognisable.

Even my 10 year old info is getting out of date now!

YelloDraw · 02/12/2016 14:38

What is india like not bloody Isis. Typos typos auto correct.

Hysterectical · 02/12/2016 14:43

OP is either a journalist, an idiot or a perfect, faultless parent. As all of those types people are so dull, who gives a crap what they think?

The80sweregreat · 02/12/2016 14:47

I met someone once who went and loved it but she admitted her brother struggled a lot. She was confident and clever but also really friendly, for somebody so posh she was very down to earth! Have a friend whose partner went ( he is 59, so long time ago) and he is an oddball and not that friendly.
I dont think i could have coped although any books i read set in a boarding school set up sounded fun! ( Jennings books were my fav and im femail )
Not sure if they are cruel tbh. They seem a bit outdated, but thats just my opinion!

OhSoggyBiscuit · 02/12/2016 14:51

I still think the owl carrying my Hogwarts letter got lost...

Corialanusburt · 02/12/2016 15:03

It's no skin off some children's noses and it's deeply traumatic for others.
My DD is quiet and unpopular but I think boarding would be a success as she has a resilient core and would love the fun. Her best friend is extrovert and popular but would cry herself to sleep every night for a year until they begged her to leave.

MsGameandWatch · 02/12/2016 15:17

I think modern day boarding schools are very different to schools in the seventies and eighties. I went at the end of the 70's and early years of the eighties and it was pretty bad. I spoke to my mum once a week but most girls didn't for the whole term. We wrote and received letters once a week. We finished school then half an hour later went to prep for two hours after that we were left to ourselves, same as at the weekends. There were organised activities but no one cared if you did them or not. For hours of every day we were unaccounted for - children from aged five onwards, older girls became caretakers for the younger ones and vicious bullying was rife. It was a harsh regime and the house mistresses were pretty uncaring in the main.

I don't know what boarding schools are like these days, supposedly much better, but I would never send my child to one. There's a weird dynamic in boarding schools IMO where children don't tell their parents what's going on because they don't want to upset them, they learn to be resilient and self reliant from a very early age and I am not sure that s always a good thing. I didn't have children to have them grow up elsewhere and it's not something I could countenance for our family. We all do what we think is right for our own families though I suppose.

scaryteacher · 02/12/2016 15:46

My dh has managed to build a successful career, and have a 30 year marriage with me. I don't think he's screwed up - seems pretty normal to me.

One of my nephews has just left boarding school and is doing an apprenticeship - he is used to being away from home, and is going great guns. He loved boarding school, gave him huge sporting opportunities and as a military child, he had continuity of education.

I sent ds at 16 to a state sixth form with a couple of small boarding houses, but the vast majority were local day students, and he loved it. He had freedom to do his own thing and organise his own workload; he found a group of people who 'got' him, and he is now in his thrid year at university. Being away from home for university didn't worry him as it was essentially just an extension of living at sixth form.

Boarding won't suit every child, but it does suit some, and if their parents can afford to send them, then why not?

Hoppinggreen · 02/12/2016 16:09

Because ideally a child should live with their parents?

KellyElly · 02/12/2016 16:13

I loved boarding school. So did the majority of my friends. Depends on the school I guess.

HoneyBeeMum1 · 02/12/2016 16:44

I attended a village primary school until I was seven years old. Some of the other children bullied me and I was very unhappy.

It was an enormous relief to me when I started boarding at a prep school and I am so grateful to my parents for giving me the opportunity to board until I left school.

Friends at university who had been boarders at school were so far ahead of non-boarders in terms of confidence and the ability to live independently. In my opinion, if parents can afford to send their children to a boarding school, they should give it consideration.

There were times when I was homesick as were some of my friends, but that helped to reinforce close bonds of friendship.

DisneyMillie · 02/12/2016 16:49

My exh boarded (military family) as have several other of my ex boyfriends - in my experience it wasn't good for any of them emotionally - they learnt to hide their feelings too much being around just boys and without mum around leading to either emotionally cold or overly clingy grown ups. Might just be my bad choice of men though!!

Exh sister absolutely loved it though and I don't think it seems to give the same issues in girls boarding

feelingdizzy · 02/12/2016 17:00

My exdh boarded from 6 rarely saw his parents,he is very personable ,but incredibly emotionally stunted.
On the other hand I have a 15 year old dd who would love to weekly board.Never happen, very long way from being able to afford it.

Hoppinggreen · 02/12/2016 17:05

Most of my friend who boarded never really ever lived at home again. They spent holidays staying with friends or travelling so basically they left home at 11 (or earlier )
Bit sad really, their parents didn't want to live with them and so they didn't want to live with their parents.

OllyBJolly · 02/12/2016 19:17

Bit sad really, their parents didn't want to live with them and so they didn't want to live with their parents

Or maybe they were independent and self sufficient and got on with their own lives rather more quickly than kids who didn't leave home until later?

midsomermurderess · 02/12/2016 19:23

It depends on your family life. I longed to go to boarding school when I was young as home life was awful: abusive, frightening, unpredictable. My siblings and I are all pretty screwed up from it into adult hood.

brasty · 02/12/2016 19:26

I really think 14, 15 or 16 year olds boarding is a totally different scenario. Many are ready for more independence at this age.

But 7, 8, 9 year olds should not be independent or self sufficient.

MrsBernardBlack · 02/12/2016 19:29

Peoples experience of boarding can be so wildly different it is pointless trying to generalise.

Just because some people hated it (and some were damaged by it) does not mean that other children cannot benefit from it. Conversely, just because it was the making of some people doesn't mean that everyone will benefit. Depends on the child, depends on the family circumstances and depends on the school.

I do remember Jane Garvie being totally unconvinced when Miranda Hart told her how much she had loved boarding school, which was amusing.

Rnb · 02/12/2016 19:31

My son is 14 and started boarding in September. He can't stop telling me how utterly amazing it is. He's basically having the time of his life. I wouldn't say that was cruel!

MotherofPearl · 02/12/2016 19:35

I did a few years at boarding school and there were many things I loved about it, especially the camaraderie and friendship.