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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that boarding school is cruel

135 replies

Wrinkley · 02/12/2016 09:07

Can't help but think that boarding school is really unfair on children, especially younger ones. Apart from all the issues of the trauma of being separated from parents, what if they have any problems at school? There is literally no escape. To me, it just seems cruel to subject children to this type of life.

OP posts:

InsultingTheAlligator · 02/12/2016 10:27

I think YouOkHun sums it up pretty much.

herethereandeverywhere · 02/12/2016 10:30

Agree with Yellodraw. There's plenty of kids that spend hours on the xbox/playstation/internet on their own as a result of being home alone after school. Boarding is a much better life experience than that.

Stitchosaurus · 02/12/2016 10:30

Another boarder here, from a military background - I mostly enjoyed it but would never send my children to one. No one really knew what we were up to most of the time and I would hate to be away from my kids that much.

CremeBrulee · 02/12/2016 10:32

I do wish people wouldn't rush to judge something they have no knowledge of. Boarding in 2016 bears absolutely no resemblance to the boarding school experience of the 1970s and 80s

I should know I went to a horribly strict convent where boarding houses were more like workhouses. I was lucky as I was a day pupil really and only stayed in the boarding house on the odd occasion. It was grim.

Fast forward 35 years and things are very different. DD weekly boards (her choice) as she would not have been able to go her school as a day pupil. Her boarding house is warm, welcoming and comfortable. She has great friends and opportunities to do a myriad of clubs and activities that she would not have elsewhere.

She is happy. She loves being with us when she is home but also has a great time at school. What's not to like?

I will tell her that MN thinks we are being cruel to let her board. She will laugh.

PatriciaHolm · 02/12/2016 10:36

So what exact experience of boarding do you have, OP? Why drive you to register/reregister under a new name to post?

Camomila · 02/12/2016 10:37

Depends entirely on circumstances I think.
Lots of my relatives were weekly boarders from age 14(high school)...they lived halfway up an alp, the alternative would be getting a bus at 6am every morning for 1h plus and missing lots of school when there was too much snow. My 3 aunties all shared one big room...it sounded lovely and chalet school like tbh.

OllyBJolly · 02/12/2016 10:43

I boarded and loved it.

DD2 pleaded to board most of her school life (despite going to excellent schools). Boarded for the last years of secondary and loved it.

TheDeskIsMyHome · 02/12/2016 10:45

I don't think you have any experience so are judging from afar
My child doesn't board - but is in a school where children flexi board and from what I see they have an amazing time (far better than at the school he was at before where children are at home either in front of electronic games/doing hours of homework)
Can't you see - that what works for some doesn't work for others??
We aren't all the same!!!!

YelloDraw · 02/12/2016 10:46

All the people I know who went to boarding school swear they would never send their own children to one.

All the people I know who went to boarding school are mostly bemoaning the fee inflation that has put it out of reach but all but the highest earning or those with family money.

In the mid 2000s is was £20k to full-board. Now that is £30k. Incomes haven't risen in line with school fee increases.

To attract the lucrative foreign students (Chinese, Russian) schools have 'pimped up' their accommodation and facilities, pricing more 'normal' and local families out.

harshbuttrue1980 · 02/12/2016 10:52

If parents cant be arsed with their kids, they are probably better off at boarding school than being ignored at home while mummy and daddy have their busy social lives. If we banned boarding school, the kids who are there would probably still get neglected as their parents clearly aren't interested. One poster on here said she saw her children once a fortnight, wow, whoop de doo. Most mums see their kids every day. A good parent is involved and bringing up their children, not like a distant relative who pops in occasionally. I teach in a day school, and would never teach in a boarding school, it shocks me that people have kids just to pack them off.

brasty · 02/12/2016 10:52

Depends on the type of boarding. Flexi boarding where a child stays at the school 1 or 2 nights a week seems fine. Weekly boarding for older teenagers who want to do it, also seems fine.

A relative works in a very posh boarding school where most of the pupils board full time for the term. She provides pastoral care and is very against this kind of boarding. She looks after young children, to teenagers, and says many of them are desperately unhappy.

ruthsmumkath · 02/12/2016 10:53

My daughters bf is going to board next year and can't wait. They get to go home lots and it's like staying in a hotel with loads of fun entertainment arranged.

My kids have been at schools where you could board and I the kids I knew who boarded loved it.

Horses for courses but I wouldn't go feeling sorry for most of them - they are having a great time!

NavyandWhite · 02/12/2016 10:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheDeskIsMyHome · 02/12/2016 10:57

"Most mums see their kids every day"

Just because some parents see their children every day, it does not mean it is positive parenting (speaking from experience of childhood)

corythatwas · 02/12/2016 10:57

Like everything else, it's about the individual circumstances. For some children boarding school probably is the escape, from families that for one reason or another cannot give them what they need. It's not always as simple as "parents can't be bothered" either: there could be multiple reasons.

All I can confidently say is "under my individual circumstances boarding school would not have been the best alternative for my children".

GinAndOnIt · 02/12/2016 11:00

DP did a mix of boarding and day school. He loved it. He's quite reserved and can be a bit shy, but he was a lot more shy before he boarded. It really helped him.

I think it's also made him more laid back to live with as an adult.

He made a friend there whose family lived about 4 hours away, so at the weekends his friend would stay with DP's family. They're still great friends now, and that other child speaks so fondly about having a 'second family' locally - so even for those children who live far away, it's not all misery.

Inthenick · 02/12/2016 11:01

Boarding was the best craic ever! Absolutely loved it.

GinAndOnIt · 02/12/2016 11:02

(We've also both said that we'd send our children to the same boarding school if we are able to afford it)

HidingUnderARock · 02/12/2016 11:03

It can be. So can day school. So can no school. So can homeschool.

I have 1 child who wants to board and one who doesn't. Their opinions haven't changed since nursery, and luckily we can afford to give them both what they want.
If we made the first one board (and didn't have to) that might be cruel. If we refused to let the second one board (but could afford it) what would that be? I am guessing not cruel.

juneau · 02/12/2016 11:05

I boarded from age 11-18 and it wasn't cruel IME. For me, as a DC of divorced parents and step-parents who I didn't get on with it was a godsend to be in such an uncomplicated environment, where I was just one of many, where the rules were clear, where I could just be with my friends all the time.

However, my feelings about boarding from age 7 are a bit different. I can understand why some families choose it - if they're in the armed forces, for instance, if they live rurally and no other good option exists, if the DC would benefit from the stability and routine of boarding, etc. I know one boy of 9 who has done really well since boarding, mainly because his DM is a nightmare and he is doing much better away from her influence for much of the year!

DailyMailSucksAss · 02/12/2016 11:05

Boarding school can be great. it all depends on the Relationship they have with their family outside of it. I knew a family who sent their kids to boarding 400 miles away and every weekend they'd make the trip to see them on Saturdays to spend the day together.

MollyHuaCha · 02/12/2016 11:12

One of my DC is a full time boarder. Loves it. It suits confident, sporty, musical, academically able children. He's free to change to living at home at any time as we're just half an hour's drive away from the school. But he has such fun there, he prefers to board. My only complaint is of the fees which are probably beyond most people's income.

EarlGreyTeaAndToast · 02/12/2016 11:24

I shall have to tell my daughter that 😂 She loves boarding and now her little sister wants to go too.

Budgiebonbon · 02/12/2016 11:27

I loved it, Flexi-Boarded for part of the week at Prep School, slightly alternative school so we had quite a lot of freedom and the most fantastic grounds we would explore. Some of my favorite memories from childhood.

I can remember being picked up on a Friday and crying as I wanted to stay with my Full-Boarder friends for the weekend activities- my poor Mother really. Please don't think for one moment my home life was bad!

I understand that this is not the case for all Kids, the majority I know loved it-even those who attended different schools. For some it just won't work, but please reserve judgement when you may not have direct experience on those for whom it does work.

Tanith · 02/12/2016 11:32

Do you use a daycare nursery?

To a young child, being at nursery for a day equates to being at boarding school.

It's always surprised me that many parents attacking those who send children to boarding school will quite happily use childcare and insist it's good for their child. It seems hypocritical to me.

I have a child at boarding school on a scholarship and we could never manage to give him the experiences and opportunities he has at school. State school couldn't manage it either. He knows how incredibly lucky he is and he's very happy there.

YABU to make such a sweeping generalisation in order to judge other families.

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