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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be gutted that my parents didn't help me with a deposit?

145 replies

malificent7 · 01/12/2016 09:40

I know aibu but would like to winge anyway.

My dad has paid off his mortgage and has substantial savings. I got a modest inheritance but as it was over 16, 000 my tax credits stopped and i had to spend it on living.

I feel quite jealous of those whose parents help them out. Mind you, I have only just landed a permanent job after a few years of zero hours contract. So its understandable he didnt wang to invest.

I think i

OP posts:

MrsSnootch · 01/12/2016 16:24

Yes you are acting entitled. Get a job, save up. not your dads problem to pay for your bills until he drops dead

MrsSnootch · 01/12/2016 16:25

Threads like this really get my goat, what is it with people expecting their parents to fund them FOREVER and never want a life of their own?

Why would a parent dwindle their retirement fund, to pay for the lifestyle of another adult, who is claiming benefits?

Kittymum03 · 01/12/2016 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

P1nkP0ppy · 01/12/2016 16:30

☹️
My parents have money but it wouldn't occur to them to give any of us money for anything, let alone a house deposit.
In fact I can't remember them ever offering money or help!

whoopsiedaisy123 · 01/12/2016 16:31

I grew up in a council house! That made me even more driven to buy my own home!

Meadows76 · 01/12/2016 16:36

Sorry Meadows, I obviously took your post the wrong way, i wasn't trying to twist anything. When I said I would give money to them when they had worked hard (and not in a zero hour contract plus housing benefit) towards a mortgage I meant worked hard to put themselves in that good position financially. I think you maybe thought I meant worked physically hard in their jobs. I totally take my hat off to people who work in these type of jobs, i have been in a soul destroying minimum wage job myself in the past, but I really wasn't meaning worked hard in the physical sense.

BarbarianMum · 01/12/2016 16:52

Interesting thread. My parents did help me with my deposit. I got 7k when I was 28 and consider myself very fortunate. 30k seems like a he'll of a lot to me.

DailyMailJournosSmell · 01/12/2016 17:05

Not sure about this thread.

OP. As someone who has struggled with poor mental health in the past it has been hard for me to deal with money (highs etc)

I would be 'controlling' about giving money to someone who found it hard to deal with money. I'm be nervous that the money would be wasted

Kittymum03 · 01/12/2016 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreatFuckability · 01/12/2016 17:13

I don't own a house, and will likely never own a house. I work hard and do a professional job but I can't afford to save for a deposit so its never going to happen.

and the world still turns.

owning a house is not the be all and end all of life.

SheldonCRules · 01/12/2016 17:14

You had the deposit, it's not your dads fault you weren't working enough to get a mortgage. I doubt most parents who watch their child spend £16k and then offer them a house deposit.

You made different choices to your dad, you are an adult and need to live with them. Minimum wage work with a child is never going to be enough to get on the property ladder.

Did you really think he would just buy you one or gift you a huge deposit?

SheldonCRules · 01/12/2016 17:26

Ah just seen it was actually £30k not £16k and you used some to travel and explore.

If you really wanted to own property you could have saved the £30k and upped your hours to cover bills, taken a lodger etc. If it was my only chance of a deposit I'd have worked all hours to protect it not spend it travelling and then moaning that dad won't give me any money for a house.

Even if I never got to use it for a house, I'd have protected as much as possible for my child or a rainy day.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 01/12/2016 17:47

Yes, I got a lot less than £30,000. If you had that much capital and didn't dedicate it towards a deposit on a property I'm not surprised your DF isn't keen to give you more. If I'd spent the money my DPs gave me on anything other than a deposit they wouldn't have given me any more.

When I talk about what you're used to, everyone in my extended family owns their own house, grandparents, siblings, uncles, cousins. So, although I'm aware that it's by no means the norm it's what's normal for me. And we bought back in 1989 when prices were so much lower.

I helped get my DSD and SIL get onto the property ladder 10 years ago. They wouldn't be able to do it now, and my DCs will probably never own their homes, though they might make it when I die, which may well be long into the future.

I feel great sympathy for the young, with hardly any social housing and rents extortionate. It's tough. I'm a great supporter of social housing, we should have far more of it. It allows families to stay in one place, plan schooling and put down roots.

FairyDogMother11 · 01/12/2016 18:00

Our parents helped us out by allowing us to live with them before we moved out so we could save. They also helped us with furniture when we moved in. But our deposit was all ours and everything we've bought since was with our own money. It's our first Christmas in our house this year and it's well worth the wait and all the things we missed out on to get here!

WeAllHaveWings · 01/12/2016 18:02

I never got any help from my parents and don't resent them at all. I'm an adult. My parents were kind enough to allow me to live at home until I was in my early 20's (still paying reasonable digs) during which time I lived very frugally (but still had fun!) and saved for a deposit on my first very small flat.

Some people are extremely lucky if their parents can and choose to help them but its is far from the norm in my experience. I am gutted every week when I don't win the lottery but I get over it.

My friend said that my dad could afford to buy me a house

how does your friend know that unless she's his accountant. time you grew up and took responsibility for yourself and your choices.

user1476961324 · 01/12/2016 18:08

I don't quite understand this story - how are you planning on getting a mortgage once you have this deposit, when you are on housing benefit?

GinIsIn · 01/12/2016 18:25

I got a huge deposit from my parents. But that is because my dad died. If I could trade a minute more with him for the money I would do it in a heartbeat.

With a history of problems with money and what sounds like no means to meet a mortgage, it sounds like your dad is trying to look out for you....

Grumpyoldblonde · 01/12/2016 18:26

I don't understand any of this. It doesn't make sense. If you're on benefit you won't get a mortgage anyway.

Manumission · 01/12/2016 18:32

TBF, that IS help, isn't it?

Does it make a difference whether it's lump sum or help-in-kind?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 01/12/2016 18:48

I think being an orphan gives me an odd view on things like this; I'd just like to have parents, but trying to put that to one side...

You seem to have acknowledged that you spent the money and regret it, so perhaps the only other helpful thing for you to do is reflect on why you blame your father. Is it referred anger? Do you resent him for having a life you can't afford? Do you feel he should help you because you're not married? I can't think of any other possibilities but I'm sure there must be some, rational or not.

It will both eat you up and destroy your relationship with your dad if you can't move past this.

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