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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be gutted that my parents didn't help me with a deposit?

145 replies

malificent7 · 01/12/2016 09:40

I know aibu but would like to winge anyway.

My dad has paid off his mortgage and has substantial savings. I got a modest inheritance but as it was over 16, 000 my tax credits stopped and i had to spend it on living.

I feel quite jealous of those whose parents help them out. Mind you, I have only just landed a permanent job after a few years of zero hours contract. So its understandable he didnt wang to invest.

I think i

OP posts:
MadHattersWineParty · 01/12/2016 10:10

So you've had 16k?

Hellmouth · 01/12/2016 10:11

My mum came into a decent amount of money when she retired (NHS pension and inheritance). She offered it to me and my sister so that we could use it to buy, but we refused it as we felt it would be best if she held onto it as she has health issues (stroke, diabetes, and now she's on dialysis).

I kind of regret it now because she managed to waste it all lol, but I never expected her to just hand over money to me. I was really surprised she offered to give us all of it.

I'm really sorry, but I think YABU. If owning a home is that important to you, then you need to prove it by planning and saving. Maybe if he can see you're invested in it, rather than expecting handouts, he might actually be willing to help.

Original poster
malificent7 · 01/12/2016 10:11

I know i am veing unreasonable. I am just pissed off with my lack of financial acumen.

As someone who has struggled with poor mental health in the past it has been hard for me to deal with money (highs etc).

I do work ft but it is a low wage and i am hammered for child care.

OP posts:
CrystalVision · 01/12/2016 10:12

So how long did the £16k last you? Do you have anything to show for it?

PrivatePike · 01/12/2016 10:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thisisafakename · 01/12/2016 10:14

He was positively evangelical about how i needed to declare it or otherwise i would get in trouble

OK, well that much is true. You would have been in trouble if you received money and had not declared it. You could have ended up with a criminal record.

He tool control of my inheritance and dished it out when i needed it. I got depressed and spent it

This doesn't make sense though. That suggests that he did not give you a big lump sum, but instead gave you money as and when. If that was the case, why did you have to declare it to the DSS because it sounds like you never actually received the money? How much were you given in total?

I can see from your latest post that your dad was controlling with money. That is not good, but someone who has a zero hours contract and gets housing benefits will not get a mortgage, so at what time would he have helped you with a deposit? Or would you expect him to buy somewhere outright for you?

Meadows76 · 01/12/2016 10:18

You were claiming housing benefit. What did you want a deposit for when you couldn't afford a mortgage anyway Hmm

Give yourself a reality check. People claiming housing benefit can't get mortgages.

You sound like a 12yo, and a spoilt one at that.

user1480182169 · 01/12/2016 10:21

Why would your parents help with you with a deposit if you can't afford a mortgage?

You want them to actually buy you a house, right?

Chops2016 · 01/12/2016 10:21

Pff. Don't blame your dad for your bad financial decisions. You have got more than a lot of people do financially.

Some people raises hand have had zero financial assistance from parents or benefits and still managed to get a mortgage themselves. My parents sold a second property at about the same time I was buying my house so I knew they had a lot of money in the bank, but never for a second felt entitled to any of it. THEY have worked all their lives to get where they are and deserve every penny for themselves.

You say you already know YABU, so no need to point that out. You'd lead a happier life if you stopped expecting other people to bail you out and just looked after yourself. That would also set a better example to set for your DC.

MrsJayy · 01/12/2016 10:22

That is true if you are on zero hours and Hb you wouldnt get a mortgage anyway doesnt matter how much a deposit you have they still expect regular substantial income. I know you are struggiling but the deposit would not have helped you,

Original poster
malificent7 · 01/12/2016 10:24

I do not have £16, 000. I have £300. The 16, 000 went on rent and living whilst on a zero hour contract.

Job is not permanent sorry... fixed term bug rolls on. Barely above minium wage but good enough.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 01/12/2016 10:24

Did you want your dad to get a mortgage for you?

anon1900s · 01/12/2016 10:24

How old are you? If your over 18 (which I assume you are) then he had no legal right to take control of your inheritance (unless it was money from him) and if it was money you got drip fed then I don't see why you had to declare it as it wasn't 16k inheritance.
You should have asked him for the lot and used it to buy a house.

Original poster
malificent7 · 01/12/2016 10:25

The inheritance was from gran.

OP posts:
ByeByeLilSebastian · 01/12/2016 10:27

I do get your original frustration op. Both of DHs parents are very well off but would never think to offer help for a deposit.

The only way we got our foot on the ladder was from my mum dying. If it wasn't for that I don't think we'd have ever been able to save enough

glitterandtinsel · 01/12/2016 10:28

It's benefit fraud if you don't declare your inheritance.Seriously get over yourself. Work hard and make your own money.
Your attitude stinks. I feel rather disgusted at your view that your dad should give you the money. Entitled.

Trifleorbust · 01/12/2016 10:29

With respect, do you have a good enough relationship with your dad to ask him for this level of financial help? You call him financially abusive and tight, you complain about him being 'controlling'. It sounds like you really don't like him. And yet you want to be able to call on him for significant financial support. Have you thought that perhaps he knows how you feel about him and it doesn't particularly incline him towards parting with thousands of pounds? It isn't a right.

MadHattersWineParty · 01/12/2016 10:29

By 'help' people are meaning 'give', right?

Trifleorbust · 01/12/2016 10:31

And even if you had money for a deposit, how would you get a mortgage without a regular income?

Original poster
malificent7 · 01/12/2016 10:32

I know i am being unreasonable. New years resolution is to save as much as possible. If possible. I do apprechiate my dad.
Money has never been my strong point and it is very much my dads strong point. I think it would be healthier if i DIDN'T rely on him at all tbh!

OP posts:
snowinafrica16 · 01/12/2016 10:32

it doesn't make sense - he didn't give it all to you, and yet somehow you got depressed and spent it? You'd be better off putting your energy into bettering your career. Maybe your dad will help you when he sees that you could actually afford a mortgage. My dad helped us only when we'd have made it on our own, he gave us some money that made things slightly easier and meant we could do a bit of minor work on the house we bought that needed doing. You're trying to put the cart before the horse (job stability). How old are you?

Original poster
malificent7 · 01/12/2016 10:33

Plenty of peoples parents DO help though but i think they are the exception rather than the rule or not?

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 01/12/2016 10:37

I have found it hard to stay in teaching tbh as it makes me very anxious and stressed. I now work as a TA which i can cope with but its hardly going to help me get a mortgage.
Teaching really will make me have a breakdown ( it did before). That might change in a year or so as dd gets older.

OP posts:
NapQueen · 01/12/2016 10:38

Even though you were on a zero hours contract you will still have had shifts though?
Are you a lone parent? Tax credits for childcare are up to 70% for lone parents.

wannabestressfree · 01/12/2016 10:40

Teach part time
Teach in a private school........ tied in accommodation in some and longer holidays.
You just sound unwilling to help yourself....