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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be gutted that my parents didn't help me with a deposit?

145 replies

malificent7 · 01/12/2016 09:40

I know aibu but would like to winge anyway.

My dad has paid off his mortgage and has substantial savings. I got a modest inheritance but as it was over 16, 000 my tax credits stopped and i had to spend it on living.

I feel quite jealous of those whose parents help them out. Mind you, I have only just landed a permanent job after a few years of zero hours contract. So its understandable he didnt wang to invest.

I think i

OP posts:
newyorkgirl · 01/12/2016 11:14

Cannot believe your post OP, rather shocked how entitled you sound Shock

Unfortunately everything in life is earnt, if you are given a step up on the ladder or given money along the way that is great however nothing should be expected and why you feel that your dad should work hard and earn and then gift money to you I do not know.

Your father has given you more than most people would get in a lifetime and you're still not happy. Let's hope your children don't grow up with the same entitled attitude because they will be expecting £16grand + a house deposit and by the sounds of things you haven't got anything so they will be in for a shock.

My husband and I have earnt and saved for everything we have our home, renovations, cars, wedding etc. We have never expected a penny off of anyone. Our children will be brought up to work hard and depend on themselves, we will gladly help them out here and there but never if it's expected and only when we see they are doing it for themselves first otherwise they will have the same spoon fed entitled attitude like yourself.

MadHattersWineParty · 01/12/2016 11:17

Oh yeah, bloody Gran, dying sooner rather than later and having the gall to leave OP 16k Shock Hmm

Olympia do you not realise how selfish that sounds?!

cromwell44 · 01/12/2016 11:20

OlympiaQueen It's a pity your gran didn't live a bit longer until you had a full time job Really! Yes, how selfish of gran to die at an inconvenient time to give OP an inheritance at the wrong time in her life. I am speechless.

AndNowItsSeven · 01/12/2016 11:20

So your housing benefit stopped not your tax credits, why lie?

malificent7 · 01/12/2016 11:20

I think a lot of this is coming from my frustration that i had money for a deposit but was not in a situation to get a mortgage due to the work.

And to the poster who saved hard with her husband to save... well ive never had a husband to help me so it must be easy to judge. If i had then i prob would have given the money to my husband so i couldnt spend it!

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 01/12/2016 11:22

How selfish of granny that older generation dont know how hard it is imagine inconveniently dying

PrivatePike · 01/12/2016 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trifleorbust · 01/12/2016 11:23

So really you accept it's your own fault for spending the money you were given? Right, fair enough then.

Mondegreens · 01/12/2016 11:24

OP, I'm not going to flame you, but I do think it would help you in terms of mental health and general self-organisation to take responsibility for your own past decisions and actions, including the erosion of the £16k, even if you feel they were dictated by others (bullying at your job) or your own poor mental health or lack of financial acumen. It sounds to me as if you might benefit from some life-coaching or brisk career/financial advice that comes from someone other than your father, because although you are presumably well into adulthood, you sound rather as if there's still quite a dependent relationship going on there. He's not emerging as any kind of villain in this, as I think you understand yourself.

Yes, I would be lying if I hadn't had twinges of unfairness at friends whose parents bought battered old houses in expensive cities in the 70s and 80s, and who, purely because of the housing market, have ended up with astonishing amounts of money in equity, and who have either already passed it onto their children by downsizing, or are poised to in some form. Other friends are comparatively cash poor now but will inherit, or have trust funds coming.

My parents are uneducated and worked in low-paid or minimum wage jobs all their working lives, and in the case of my father, repeatedly refused to be promoted to supervisor roles because he didn't like the idea, despite the fact that he had four children he could barely support to the point of there being only just about enough food at times. They have no property or savings, only a minimal pension, and live in another country.

Rather than being bequeathed money, I have been supporting them financially for most of my adult life no free GP visits in my home country, and neither is in good health and will be entirely responsible for their care home fees as they become older. I imagine lots of other people are in this position, which is pretty normal.

user1480182169 · 01/12/2016 11:26

Some peoples parents give them money for deposits etc, but not many.
Some people get nice inheritances of 15k or more but not many.

Most of us get neither, you got the latter at least.

newyorkgirl · 01/12/2016 11:26

Sorry to inform you and your woe is me attitude but although I have saved with my husband since I have met him, I had set up myself before I met him, with my own house deposit, car job etc- you don't have to have a pity party and blame your attitude on the fact you don't have a partner.

My sister is a single mum with 3 children and trust me she expects nothing and is winning at life and showing her little girls how to be an independent women, working hard, providing them with a home and everything they need on her own, she doesn't rely on the state or no daddy inheritance.

Your attitude stinks. Poor me, poor me.

alotlikeChristmas16 · 01/12/2016 11:37

mumsnet is for having a little moan for the most part, I can't blame you for wanting a nice house, that's what most people want afterall - malificent use your sense that home ownership is important to you to sort your career out, it sounds like you need to persist, get onto a permanent contract in something you can bear. Then you can realize this goal - it's not un-achievable, but you have to sort your career out and go after that. Personally I'd put money on your dad helping you if he sees you've made a go at something and stuck to it.

expatinscotland · 01/12/2016 11:37

You inherited over £16k but the state was supposed to keep paying you so you could buy a house, and when they didn't it's your dad's fault for not fronting you more money . . . Hmm

My heart bleeds.

pregnantat50 · 01/12/2016 11:41

I think OP has received enough comments telling her how U she is being. Can we just try and either not post anymore or give constructive advice on how she can improve her current position. She has accepted she is being unreasonable but she cant help her feelings, feelings aren't always reasonable we are emotional creatures and feel loads of inappropriate feelings, she has her answer so lets not compound her issue and try and help her move forward :)

Brytte · 01/12/2016 11:41

Goodness - stop with the mean bullying posts people. I know it is AIBU but some people seem to come and deliver their sanctimonious judgement with glee. There are nicer, fairer, more measured ways of wording a post to say 'yes, I think you are being unreasonable'

OP - I agree that you can't expect your parent/s to give you money for a deposit just because other people's do but it sounds like your dad has been strange and controlling over money with you. You definitely have my sympathies over the difficulties you face trying to keep your life on track and start a new career as a single parent.

Badders123 · 01/12/2016 11:45

So have my mum and pils. But then they are all in their 70s having worked all their lives.
Difference being I never got a £30k inheritance (am amazed you thing that "modest"!)
So
Yeah
Yabu

Badders123 · 01/12/2016 11:47

I understand your frustration, you share it with many people who a v
Cannot buy for whatever reason.
But your post sounds grabby and entitled.

NoSquirrels · 01/12/2016 11:53

MN is VERY odd sometimes.

You can have a wish-fulfillment thread where someone asks "What would you do if you had £40K to spend" and everyone will pile in to say, holiday, kitchen extension, new car - £40K isn't that much when you think about it.

And then you'll have something like this where a poster says: I had £16K and spent it on a car, a further education course, a holiday and rent whilst a lone parent on a zero hours contract ... and people will assure you £16K is a fortune.

Odd.

I mean, obviously OP's dad shouldn't have to buy her a house, and she has been lucky inheriting anything, but it's not the King's Ransom she's frittered away on fuck all.

VimFuego101 · 01/12/2016 11:58

OP, given what you have said about your relationship with your dad, even if he had given you a deposit/ a house it would have come with many strings and conditions attached. I think you need to let go of your anger over this and think about what you can do to make sure you can buy a house further down the line. Do you count as a key worker who might be eligible for a help to buy scheme (or would you qualify if you trained as a radiographer?)

IJustWantABrew · 01/12/2016 12:02

Your classing modest as being over £16,000? To me that sounds like substantial inheritance. It's not his fault you had to spend that money on living costs.

Sixisthemagicnumber · 01/12/2016 12:02

OP had more than 16k, but she hasn't said how much more. We only know that it was more than 16k because she told us that was the cut off for her benefits. For all I know could have had £50k.

ravenmum · 01/12/2016 12:11

As you say, you know yabu ... now that your finances are starting to look up a bit, how about setting up some kind of savings account for yourself so that money automatically comes straight out of your wages the day they arrive and goes into an account which is difficult to withdraw from? And make sure you don't have a credit card or big overdraft. It's human nature to want to spend your money if you can spend it easily. Rather than telling yourself off for being a human being and spending what you have, set it up so that you can't.

0hCrepe · 01/12/2016 12:19

As a general rule I don't understand why rich parents don't help out their kids. If we get any inheritance from now on it'll be for our children to have to get a deposit/business/travel etc. When they're still quite young. We have had help and I'm very grateful.

MrsWhiteWash · 01/12/2016 13:20

I've never inherited 16K.

We've lived though bad times - though they came after we bought a house so we were in danger of losing the entire lot years and years of saving.

The inheritance you had helped you get through the bad times - it rained you spent the rainy day money. Be thankful you had the 16 k - even if it impacted on benefit claims you has some money to get by with.

It's not normal to get help with deposits - at least in my circle of friends - it's very rare if it happens at all it usually when a loved family member dies.

Focus on the future - can you save now are there schemes open to you? are you better of renting - in case poor health affects earning in future - you'd get housing benefit for rent but nothing if you had a mortgage.

Cromwell1536 · 01/12/2016 13:21

Yeah, Six, she might have Trump-style billions and is holding out on us, the grabby drip-feeding cow, eh?

Agree with the other posters that people should just stop putting the boot in. Talk about venting. And to the other pious sorts, yes, I too as a single person had a decent job and savings and was able to buy my own place, with some difficulty, compromise and a second job to cover extra expenses; but, guess what? life became much easier when I married and now there were TWO earning adults to cover housing, childcare and every other cost. Obviously.

OP, start being practical about the future. What kind of budget do you need to buy somewhere for you and your daughter and work from there. What kind of job would you need to get to obtain the mortgage? Could you move to a cheaper area and still work? Would shared ownership with a housing association be a workable solution for you? At the risk of sounding like Kirsty and Phil you may not solve every issue with one move. A more affordable area for you might mean a longer commute and higher travel costs to get to work, but if your priority is decent and stable housing for you and your daughter, you'll suck that up. Good luck.