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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner on wards after birth - part 2!

376 replies

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 29/11/2016 15:21

Wanted to continue this discussion as someone asked about stats re impact of visitors on wards.

I doubt there's stats anywhere (can't find anything with a quick Google anyway) but ask yourselves, why are visiting times the NHS over generally kept to a few hours a day? Because it's disruptive for the ward and patients need rest, and it can be a huge infection prevention risk. This is no different for maternity.

Original Thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2790704-About-partners-on-the-ward-after-childbirth

OP posts:
Wolverbamptonwanderer · 29/11/2016 20:02

Miss duke- my DS hospital don't allow partners to stay. She was desperate to have him there but would never have asked it suggested it to the midwives. They ignored her for 7 hours so she didn't have a choice really.

DoYouRememberJustinBobby · 29/11/2016 20:02

But temp it would be equally dangerous to me to be forced to sleep in a room with strangers men who aren't patients. I could not be accommodated in a side room, nor could I have a home birth. I did however leave against medical advice because of the behaviour of 24/7 visitors which medical staff told me I would be unreasonable to complain about. Leaving puts me and my baby at risk also.
I was suicidal after the birth of that DC.
12 hours in the day light I could just about cope (if the guy hadn't been abusive), I have coping techniques. 24 hours? Not a chance, especially because my trust enforces open curtains on all wards.

My friend (as I mentioned on the first thread) was not only put at risk but assaulted because her hospital policy allowed 24/7 partners.

Temporaryname137 · 29/11/2016 20:03

Missduke - that was because cherry said that she was allowed to stay in her delivery room with her DP for a good few hours after giving birth. But she wants to deny other women the same support if their hospitals don't happen to have capacity to keep them in a delivery room for hours after labour. Which I happen to think is incredibly nasty!

PersianCatLady · 29/11/2016 20:05

I don't know. Or care really, what MN campaign about. Neither do 99% of the population
So why are you here on the MN site then??

53rdAndBird · 29/11/2016 20:06

I think the absolute best situation would be private rooms for everyone, where partners can stay if the woman wants and is able to have that.

Second-best would be shared wards as at present, but with adequate staffing so women and their babies would be sufficiently cared for.

Third-best would be shared wards, and partners drafted in where possible to make up for a lack of HCAs (because they're not going to make up for a lack of midwives/doctors, however willing they are.)

Fourth-best would be shared wards, insufficient staff, no overnight visitors.

Nobody's saying that situation 4 is fine. If I had another baby and was told "look, we have zero staffing overnight, so either you can bring someone with you or you can be left without any help from 8pm-8am," then of course I'd try to bring a partner/relative in with me.

But some women clearly think that situation 3 is fine, because it worked for them personally so who cares about everyone else.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 29/11/2016 20:07

Good grief someone is actually suggesting everyone pays £1000 to have a baby so men can stay?

I think I need to lie down

OP posts:
Blueskyrain · 29/11/2016 20:08

Cherry, constantly repeating that people are gaslighting doesn't really mean much when you don't seem to understand what gaslighting is.

Wolverbamptonwanderer · 29/11/2016 20:09

Yeah I thought I was the only one thinking cherry doesn't know what gas lighting is, but her posts are so full of MN buzzwords it's like bingo

Wolverbamptonwanderer · 29/11/2016 20:10

"Today 20:05 PersianCatLady

I don't know. Or care really, what MN campaign about. Neither do 99% of the population
So why are you here on the MN site then??"

Umm... I'm not here for the campaigns. Most people aren't Hmm

Blueskyrain · 29/11/2016 20:11

The £1000 figure is crazy. Having a man stay overnight costs a tiny amount. He's using visitors facilities and sleeping in a chair that's provided for visitira anyway. He can't use the showers or eat the food. He doesn't require extra electricity or any medical care. Extra cleaning is going to be tinycompared with the stream of visitors in the day.

Temporaryname137 · 29/11/2016 20:13

It's the absolute exact opposite suggestion, cherry. how can one person be so obtuse?!

The £1,000 would be to cover the costs of having extra care on the wards so that partners do NOT need to stay.

The £1,000 would be to cover the costs of having extra care on the ward so that partners do NOT need to stay.

Shall I say it again?!?!?!?!

DoYouRememberJustinBobby · 29/11/2016 20:13

"He doesn't require any medical care"
Then he shouldn't have an over night stay in hospital in over crowded facilities.

Temporaryname137 · 29/11/2016 20:14

Probably should say it again, just to be clear.....

The £1,000 would be paid to cover the salaries and other costs of extra staff to do all the things that partners do. You know. The same partners that YOU want to ban overnight!

Blueskyrain · 29/11/2016 20:15

It's so sad that we are even thinking of an additional cost for care, but it is another option I guess.

It really is scandalous how we are treated.

DoYouRememberJustinBobby · 29/11/2016 20:15

I already pay taxes and now you suggest I pay £1000 not to have 18 people over night in a space designed for 12?

Blueskyrain · 29/11/2016 20:17

Sorry temporary. I'd misunderstood at first - I thought you meant paying a grand for the benefit of your partner sleeping on a plastic chair! Thanks for clarifying

53rdAndBird · 29/11/2016 20:17

So you think women who don't/can't have partners there should pay the £1000, and women who do want to bring along a partner should get the fee waived?

So in a situation where someone who's just had a traumatic birth is stuck on a 6-bedded ward with 5 men she doesn't know, she should be the one paying for the 'privilege'?

Bumplovin · 29/11/2016 20:17

cherry I do apologise if ive misunderstood then, it read to me where u said about visitors being limited to a few hours in the rest of nhs - why is this different to maternity? That you therefore meant maternity wards should be limited to a few hours visiting a day. I do hope you can relax about this so that you can focus on having your baby and not let it take over so you don't enjoy the experience. Wish you the best with the birth of your child

HandbagCrab · 29/11/2016 20:18

It's safe to say all women admitted to postnatal had a shit birth. Average discharge is 6hrs after a birth. Shit postnatal care is the shitty icing on the turd cake after a shit birth. Arguing who's got it worse is like watching crabs fight to get out of a barrel.

Blueskyrain · 29/11/2016 20:18

Bobby, its either 18 in a space designed for 12, or12 with the care provided for 6 (if that).

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 29/11/2016 20:19

tenporary, my point was your solution wasnt a compromise on any way shape or form. It's literally like me saying "well if you want your DH overnight here's my compromise - I won't bring mine over night if you dont bring yours"

You have shown zero regard for other people's feelings. It was you, in fact, who used the charming phrase "fucking selfish" in regard to a new mother who might want a bit of partner support and to try and make them feel bad. Want to talk about gaslighting, do you, dear??

For the millionth time - I said women who disregard other people's feelings about their DHs and won't and don't care in any way are fucking selfish, and this stands true. I didn't say women who want support are selfish. But keep trying for that medal in Making Shit Up Because It's Convenient To My Argument.

This thread is about partner staying overnight - you got your way in that yours did. i never said you got your way in terms of an ideal birth.

And yes I do expect you to give a thought to other women on the wards but it's clear that's pointless as you're not the least bit interested in doing so

I understand perfectly what gaslighting is thanks peeps. Deny it all you want, but it's twattish to tell a woman that her discomfort with sharing a room when in a vulnerable state with 5 strange men is hysterical, dramatic and sexist, when you don't know why she feels that way (even when she has said there's a valid reason for feeling that way). Would cunt be a better word to describe it if you don't like 'gaslighting'?

OP posts:
PersianCatLady · 29/11/2016 20:19

I have had two unmarried mothers admitted to ICU and the babies went to NICU to be cared for as they could not go home automatically with her partner
If a woman is in ICU and a father wants to take a healthy baby home that would have been discharged with the mother if she was well enough, then I don't see how legally the hospital can stop him just because the parents are not married.

Temporaryname137 · 29/11/2016 20:21

No, I think everyone would pay it. when I said proportionately, I was talking about the 50/50 split for wards with and without partners. So if 3/4 women are applying for the ward without partners, you adjust the provision.

I don't actually support it as an idea, not least because of the creeping privatisation that I think it would risk, but to me it is still the best of the compromise options in the absence of the government giving it the cash and attention it so urgently needs.

Blueskyrain · 29/11/2016 20:23

If you think that twatish or cunt are interchangeable with gaslighting, then youve proved my point that you don't know what it means.

Temporaryname137 · 29/11/2016 20:23

But if I take your concerns into account and still put my baby and my health first by not sending my partner home, I'm "fucking selfish". According to you. And it's me who won't compromise?!

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