Partner on wards after birth - part 2!

[CherryChasingDotMuncher]

Wanted to continue this discussion as someone asked about stats re impact of visitors on wards.

I doubt there's stats anywhere (can't find anything with a quick Google anyway) but ask yourselves, why are visiting times the NHS over generally kept to a few hours a day? Because it's disruptive for the ward and patients need rest, and it can be a huge infection prevention risk. This is no different for maternity.

Original Thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2790704-About-partners-on-the-ward-after-childbirth

How so wolver?

BTW MNHQ have responded to my question about a maternity care campaign

Hi there CherryChasingDotMuncher,

Thanks so much for getting in touch about this.
We've actually just finished analysing a big survey about postnatal care and we will be announcing more about our plans on the boards in the new year, so watch this space!

Best wishes
Katherine
MNHQ

Hooray!

Because you equally don't care about women who want their partner with them

Yay! I would be 100% behind an MN campaign to improve postnatal care.

Ah well, self-canonised Saint Cherry lives on a different planet. It's just a shame it isn't further away.

Yes, I think my right trumps yours. Just as you think yours trumps mine, you utter muppet. That is the whole point of opposing views. I get why it might bother people. I just happen to want to put my baby first. And she would have been left sad and unhappy in her earliest hours if I had not done that. I don't give a flying fuck if you consider that "gaslighting", although if you think that's what my post was, you need do to a bit more googling. I said your posts were hysterical. Express yourself better and perhaps they won't be!

You got some respite in your naice delivery room, with your partner, didn't you?

Eye roll. I wasn't complaining that he slept in a chair. I was pointing out the mindbending stupidity of your weird little rant about fold-out beds. In an ideal world, would I have wanted him in a chair for 3 nights? No. Is it an ideal world? No.

I can assure you that if there are 2,200 babies born per day, a contribution of £22,000,000 per day would go some way towards helpers on the ward to do things like changing nappies and lifting crying babies when the mothers can't do it. THEN you wouldn't need the partners on the ward. Don't ask for a compromise if you can't understand it!

I am a midwife and it is rare for a woman to even request that her partner stays though I realise this may be because the visiting policy is written clearly in the handheld notes. Partners can stay on our MLU because the rooms are huge. Our postnatal ward has as many beds in private rooms as it does in shared bays, but there is very little space in them. We do occasionally let a partner stay in a private room just generally only if there are specific reasons, eg recently a woman with triplets requested it. It made sense to give them the opportunity to manage the babies themselves with staff just outside the door if needed.

Posts on here about babies being left crying and in poo etc for 12 hours make me sad, I really hope no one that I have cared for feels that this has happened. I just cannot imagine it.....

My dh stayed over after I had ds on the MLU but I was up mobilising within an hour of his birth and ds slept the rest of the night anyway so dh was just sleeping. It was helpful in a practical sense as my parents were sleeping in our bed to mind the toddler. I could have done with him more after dd because I was unwell after having her but really he couldn't have helped much as I was bf.

I hate the idea of partners bringing the baby home before the mother is discharged. I don't think it would happen, especially if they are not married. I have had two unmarried mothers admitted to ICU and the babies went to NICU to be cared for as they could not go home automatically with her partner, had it been necessary then social services would have been involved. I don't know if it would have been different if the women had been well enough to actually consent - but I would find it very odd if a woman wanted this to happen to be honest.

Because you equally don't care about women who want their partner with them

In the last thread we established that decent humans compromise when they can't agree. I've said I would be good with 12 hour visiting, and that private rooms should be for people who want their DHs with them. Neither would suit me personally at all, but that is my selfless compromise.

No one from the other 'camp' has offered a reasonable compromise. Because they don't want to, they want their way.

But yeah that makes me selfish, and other women are liars, and women who are scared of men have themselves to blame, it's their problem. Seriously I don't know why I'm engaging with such a blatant misogynist

Anyway, you say you don't care, so why are you actually posting other than to antagonise?

That's great cherry I hope something positive can come out of this circular discussion!

53rdandbird - The problem with the £1,000 contribution, of course, is that the government would say, "woohoo, that's £22,000,000 we can cut from somewhere else." But that's a whole other question!!

Your steps make perfect sense to me, except that I think 50/50 is fairer, as it's clear that lots of women do want partners there. And everyone should pay the £1,000. Even though it's the women without partners who will be using more of it, as the women with partners will need less help. Then if it turns out that more people are requesting partners not to be there, or more people want partners there, the proportion can be adjusted.

I do care about the topic. I don't care about your rude patronising name calling. Is that so hard to understand? Maybe you don't get forums. It's not about you

53rdandabird of course I can understand why some women may not like it, however in the hospital im due to give birth in they've changed the rules because more and more women are requesting it and the consultation showed the majority of women wanted the change. Im more concerned about the safety of my baby if there are not enough staff to answer call buzzers and I can't get the help if I need it when I may not be able to move my legs after a c section. That's just my personal choice to ask for my husband to stay it's not because I can't bear to be without him for a night. I understand some women may not like it but my main concern is my baby and seeing that I have been given this option in my hospital im opting to take it. It does t mean my husband is going to be listening to other people's consultations- in our case we've been offered a cubicle for other reasons so hopefully he won't be offending anyone. The only reason I thought the op was being a bit unreasonable was because the other thread was about visitors overnight I may have misunderstood the title of this thread but I thought she was now also talking about limiting visitors during the day also which I think is going a bit far

And everyone should pay the £1,000.

Sorry, what? If I can't have my partner there, I should pay £1000 to subsidise the cost of yours?

Clearly many have strong opinions on this - my advice is to see if your local maternity unit has a user group - most do - join it and you can contribute to changing policies like this. Our visitors policy was formed by the user group, who overwhelmingly said that they wanted restrictions on visitors during the day and no partners overnight.

Cherry it's simple. If the only capacity is inthe mixed ward, the woman goes to the mixed ward. If the only capacity is women's only, she goes there. You don't throw the men out of the mixed or allow men in the women's.

Yes, I think my right trumps yours. Just as you think yours trumps mine, you utter muppet.

It really doesn't love, and I don't think my right trumps yours, justvthat a compromise should be reached. But you're not interested, you want your way and that's that. What a surprise

And she would have been left sad and unhappy in her earliest hours if I had not done that. I don't give a flying fuck if you consider that "gaslighting", although if you think that's what my post was, you need do to a bit more googling. I said your posts were hysterical. Express yourself better and perhaps they won't be!

Jeez you could win an Olympic gold medal in fabrication! Your gaslighting has nothing to do with your kid. How strange to say so. You gaslight because you say I'm hysterical for not wanting to sleep in the same room as 5 strange men without knowing my experiences or why I feel that way, you assume it's because I'm dramatic. I could "express myself better" by telling you why but I won't waste my energy on you and you likely wouldn't care anyway and would dismiss my feelings like you are now

You got some respite in your naice delivery room, with your partner, didn't you?

Yeah was lovely being stitched up, bleeding, barely able to sit and on the verge of death. So so sorry that all you got was your DH there 24/7

So your compromise is you are going to fund an extra £22m a day to the NHS. Are you Meliana Trump?

Just say - you haven't got a compromise because you're selfish and want your way.

No, I was suggesting the opposite! The hypothetical £1,000 would be to provide extra carers who would be doing the stuff that the partners are doing. So the partners could go home overnight and then nobody would be worrying about themselves/their baby being without help.

WOlver you said you don't care (and also called me a twat somdont cry about name calling). Which is it?

You think women who want their partners there are doing others a favour? I'm not following you...

You got some respite in your naice delivery room, with your partner, didn't you?

What an incredibly nasty comment

nobody would be worrying about themselves/their baby being without help.

Not necessarily.

Bump you have mis read I don't want to limit day visitors!

Wtf are you talking about? I said I didn't care what MN decide to campaign about

"If adequate care is provided no one needs a partner to stay. The problem is the lack of care.*

If adequate privacy was provided then people who need their partner to stay could without negatively affecting others. The problem is lack of privacy.

Sorry, but I'm annoyed by the constant assumption that the best person to care for my newborn if I am too sick or knackered is a complete stranger, not the babies own father.

I really fail to see how "only" having 12 hours with a baby rather than 24 hours (when people are sleeping for much of this anyway) = dad's missing out and not bonding.

I know there are lots of people commenting who don't believe/agree with the science on babies bonding (hence the putting 'bonding' in quotes and pretending it's about men wanting rights and not about what's best for the baby) but I don't tell other women what's best for their babies, so why should I be expected to sit here while people like you tell me parents being forced away for 12 hours of a newborns life (when the baby may only be a couple of hours old) for no medical reason is no big deal.

If you think your baby is fine without parents for twelve hours at a time that's your choice. But imposing that choice on other couples is not reasonable.

Cherry, just because you don't like a compromise doesn't mean it isn't one. Everyone who is having a baby paying £1,000 for extra care would mean that partners weren't needed. That's what you want, isn't it?!

You have shown zero regard for other people's feelings. It was you, in fact, who used the charming phrase "fucking selfish" in regard to a new mother who might want a bit of partner support and to try and make them feel bad. Want to talk about gaslighting, do you, dear??

Hahahaha, you really can't read, can you? Put your finger under each word, it might help. I had 24 hours of painful, exhausting, failed labour. Then I had to wait for 3 hours, still having pains, until a theatre was free. Then I had a C-section, reacted very badly to the anaesthetic, lost my blood pressure, projectile vomited everywhere, and nearly needed a blood transfusion. But yeah, I "only" got my DP there 24/7, and I should instead have sent him home when they put me back on the ward just after 4am, and instead of worrying about my baby when I was totally out of it and unable to move, I should have thought about all the random women on the ward who might or might not have wanted him there instead.........

jesus h.