Dog owners, am I being mean?

[IHeartKingThistle]

My parents have 2 dogs, quite recently acquired and much adored. They are besotted with them and the dogs make them really happy, which is great obviously. One is very placid, one is less so and barks, steals food etc. I've never had dogs and I struggle to understand them and I'm a bit nervous if I'm honest. DS has always been nervous of dogs but is much better now.

I'm hosting all my side of the family for NY- no one's local so everybody comes to stay

The complicating factor is the cat - we have an ancient cat who is very easily stressed. When stressed she poos and wees everywhere, wails all night and pulls her fur out. Because of this I have said no dogs in the house.

DM is now talking about only coming up for the meal on NYD because of this. She's not being difficult with me but I would be gutted if they didn't come to stay as usual because they put the dogs first. If I'm completely honest, I wouldn't be wild about the dogs coming if we didn't have the cat, but I would consider it. The cat is the deal breaker for me.

I know I don't understand what it's like to have a dog. Am I being mean to expect them to find arrangements for the dogs for 2 days? I don't want to make them unhappy but it'll just be a nightmare if the dogs come.

This si your cat's home! She is old, infirm and slow. Of course you don't want to terrify her by introducing two dogs into her safe space.

So now you can tell your mum that the dogs can't come, or you can subject your cat to a terrifying ordeal for two days.

Dogs are fine for a few days at someone else's, as are cats. Mum can kennel her dogs, or you can put the cat into a cattery, but IT'S HER HOME.

Wait... they have had the dogs for a year...? I'd expect them to have found a different solution, tbh.

But cutting the visit short is their right.

So, neither of you is being unreasonable. You simply have different priorities...

Would your cat tolerate being secured in your room with tray & food and dogs being in another part of the house? We had a similar set up with old friends. They couldn't leave the dogs in the same way we couldn't leave cat & kids. We compromised with dogs secured downstairs and cat secured upstairs. The dogs were with us for our celebrations but secured overnight while cat enjoyed our room, slept with us etc? And didn't venture out until the dogs left.

I think in response to your no dog request, DM's response is the sensible compromise. She sees the family, she takes care of her pets and she respects your pet. Genius!

I know itsmine. But it's really hard to care about that if you're not a dog person and your kids are missing out.

Please understand that I'm doing my grumbling here so I don't do it at them! I'm very nice to them! And I am taking it on board!

It's funny really, DM HATED dogs when I was growing up, I was basically raised to think they were dirty and dangerous. There's no way a dog would have been allowed in our house. So it is a bit hard now because she really wants me to love these dogs. I am trying.

It might be that they (rightly or wrongly) think that kennels would stress the dogs out to such an extent that it's not an option. Most dogs do not like kennels. Mine dislikes it to such an extent I haven't been abroad in years.

Yes a home boarding place is better but unlikely people will do it over xmas or NY.

YANBU - but your parents aren't either. Some rescue dogs are fine in kennels; mine are. But some aren't. Your parents are thinking about the dogs' welfare and they aren't self sufficient in the way that cats can be. YOu can't leave dogs alone for extended periods - they need company and feeding and walking.

It's totally understandable that you don't want to stress you cat out. But you are being a little bit oversensitive about this.

Your parents aren't choosing their dogs over your DC - it's not unreasonable for them to want a hobby/interest and it sounds as if they have chosen dogs as that interest. Do you think it would have been reasonable for them to think "We'd love a dog or two but they may not be able to go into kennels and that would mean that we wouldn't be able to stay overnight at KingThistle's for Christmas, so we'll not get involved with dog ownership"?

Your parents will still see you and your DC over Christmas - it's just that things have changed a wee bit. Please don't take it personally.

They could look on Pet Sitters websites - like this where people stay in your house to look after pets. They may be some of them who would be willing to work over NY. I don't know but it's worth a try if they want to come for the whole time and think they dogs would accept other people in the house.

As a general rule, it's a good idea when you take ownership of a dog (or any pet, I suppose) to set up back-up plans for when you're stuck. We have a few. I won't put my dog in kennels, but we have local family and friends who are happy to have him, and also home-boarding (where he goes to stay in the sitter's house) for longer periods.

It's possibly too late to set all that up now (even if your dm has had all year to get herself organised), but it might be worth her doing it for future events, even if your dear old elderly cat isn't around for future Christmasses.

You say they have had a year's notice but you also say they have had the dogs for about a year so they haven't had a normal years notice! When they first got the dogs they probably wouldn't have had a clue as to how they would turn out - how would they settle, would they be suitable for kennels, would they have behavioural traits that would limit their ability to go to a home boarder etc?

Add to that the difficulty of getting care over NYE and I think you are being too harsh.

yabu, my dog has never bern in a kennel, i actually 100% believe the stress and shock would kill her. not so much now she can be left for most of a day but ive missed parties, meals, not done xmas at dm/mils etc even holidays. just one of those things.

As a dog & cat (who gets stressed) owner I can see both sides. Unless you can keep the cat happily in one area (not just shut in one bedroom - that's not fair) that the dogs can't get to then you're perfectly reasonable to say the dogs can't come because it's the cat's home and totally unfair to stress the cat out. Equally it's reasonable for your parents to come just for the meal because they can't leave the dogs alone and I wouldn't want to be putting dogs (or cats) in kennels. Could they bring the dogs for a few hours (and keep them in the kitchen, with company at times) so that they can have their meal and enjoy time with everyone but not stress the cat out? That would be a compromise.

Buggerit you must appreciate that it's really hard to understand why on earth you would miss out on all this stuff if you don't get the dog thing. Sounds like madness to me but if you're happy with it that's great. What about all those people who wanted to see you at Christmas/ parties / holidays etc though? They didn't sign up for that!

Not having a go at you in particular BTW! Just trying to show it from my point of view!

I'm going to miss them. That's all. I do appreciate the insight, really.

I can't see the confining thing working, really. The cat would yowl and poo, the dog would bark and break stuff. Not really relaxed family time!

I'll tell her if they want to.come just for the day that's fine. It's up to them, there's no way I'm going to risk an argument over it.

I do not like dogs - there that is on the table.

And I would not want anyone to bring dogs to my house - my SIL used to do this and I HATED it.

BUT - I do not think you should interpret your parents' decision as meaning that they are putting the dogs before you. If the dogs are new to them then they might not be leavable yet, and since they are with your parents more than you are and are enhancing their lives, then it seems a reasonable thing to only leave them for a short time.

But I think you have to brace yourself for this being an on-going problem. The dogs are not going away. However you should stick to your guns if you do not want them in your house.

My dog has been in kennels once for 1 night, it took him weeks to get over it and we've not done it since. He was a rescue.
I don't think any one is being unreasonable in your situation. You need to put your family first - which you have done by saying no dogs in your house for the protection of your cat.
Your DM cant/wont leave the dogs overnight so she has come up with a compromise so she still sees you but doesn't leave the dogs too long. She isn't favouring her dogs over her DGS, she is compromising and living up to the responsibility she has taken on. Do you know she definitely hasn't tried to find alternative accommodation for them?

She definitely hasn't looked. The last text I had said she was putting her thinking cap on! I am a bit worried she's going to leave it to the last minute and turn up with them in crates in the car. Then DD will nag me to let them in and I'll be the bad guy. Or I'll let them in and it'll be awful. I'd like to know a concrete plan either way so maybe taking the pressure off her by saying they don't have to stay will make it easier.

What about all those people who wanted to see you at Christmas/ parties / holidays etc though? They didn't sign up for that

I am sure Buggerit gave that some thought before she took on her dogs. She chose her dogs over partying with people. What's the problem with that?

It's not a problem for her - I'm just saying I'm on the other side and I miss my mum and dad! Sadly, it's a problem for me!

I'm not trying to insult buggerit, I promise! Sorry if it sounded nasty. And I'm not being a special snowflake either - I know my parents have a life and I love how happy they are. There are just different facets to it, aren't there?

2 hours away. I see them a fair bit, they just don't come and stay any more. Not seeing them at Christmas.

I'd almost always choose my dogs over partying with other people (helpful face)