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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dog owners, am I being mean?

127 replies

IHeartKingThistle · 27/11/2016 14:19

My parents have 2 dogs, quite recently acquired and much adored. They are besotted with them and the dogs make them really happy, which is great obviously. One is very placid, one is less so and barks, steals food etc. I've never had dogs and I struggle to understand them and I'm a bit nervous if I'm honest. DS has always been nervous of dogs but is much better now.

I'm hosting all my side of the family for NY- no one's local so everybody comes to stay

The complicating factor is the cat - we have an ancient cat who is very easily stressed. When stressed she poos and wees everywhere, wails all night and pulls her fur out. Because of this I have said no dogs in the house.

DM is now talking about only coming up for the meal on NYD because of this. She's not being difficult with me but I would be gutted if they didn't come to stay as usual because they put the dogs first. If I'm completely honest, I wouldn't be wild about the dogs coming if we didn't have the cat, but I would consider it. The cat is the deal breaker for me.

I know I don't understand what it's like to have a dog. Am I being mean to expect them to find arrangements for the dogs for 2 days? I don't want to make them unhappy but it'll just be a nightmare if the dogs come.

OP posts:
sparechange · 27/11/2016 14:43

But obviously you can't travel with a cat. Surely it is normal to either get a cat sitter or send it to a cattery?
It's not comparable with their situation, unless you mean you could send the cat to a cattery this year?

littlesallyracket · 27/11/2016 14:43

YANBU not to want to host dogs if you have a cat (or just aren't into having dogs in the house) - that is absolutely understandable.

But YABU if you expect people to be able to find somewhere else for their dogs to stay for a weekend because:

  1. Kennels are expensive (and some dogs will be distressed in them).
  2. You can't (or certainly shouldn't) just leave dogs on their own and have someone pop into feed them once a day like you can with cats - they need someone staying with them.
  3. Not many people have friends who can take on two dogs over weekend when they're likely to be socialising themselves.
  4. Not all dogs will 'settle' in a strange house without their owners - and if it's NYE with fireworks going off all over the place, even less so. Some dogs would be totally fine, but plenty wouldn't.

I'm not saying you could be expected to know all this if you've never had dogs yourself - but hopefully it helps to clarify why your parents have made their decision.

It's not a case of them putting the dogs before you. It's a case of them compromising in light of you being unable to have the dogs over. It's totally fine that you can't host the dogs at your house, but equally you have to accept that there will need to be a compromise with your parents not staying over and just coming for the meal - which is a perfectly adequate, grown-up solution, really. You're considering your cat's needs in deciding not to have the dogs over, and your parents are considering their dogs' needs in deciding not to make their visit an overnight stay.

PeachBellini123 · 27/11/2016 14:44

It sounds like your mum has come to a reasonable compromise. Some dogs don't do well in kennels.

We have a similar situation in that my in-laws don't stay over as our flat's not suitable for their very lovely but large dogs. They are being responsible owners in my view.

Original poster
IHeartKingThistle · 27/11/2016 14:45

A pp asked about the cat, I was answering the question!

I'm not going to flounce because I'm not getting the answer I want. I appreciate the feedback. I'm just sad about it and I know that my parents will be sad on NYE too knowing we're all here. I'll get over it and them coming just for NYE might be the best solution all round.

OP posts:
Original poster
IHeartKingThistle · 27/11/2016 14:45

NYD I mean!

OP posts:
GinIsIn · 27/11/2016 14:46

Firstly, YANBU for not wanting the dogs in your house if you feel that strongly about it.

But YABU to expect your parents to just ditch their dogs over NY because of it. Cats react much better in a cattery than dogs do in kennels due to their much higher aptitude for solitude and independence so it isn't the same thing as your cat at all. Your parents are not 'putting the dogs over the DC', they are being responsible owners. They haven't said they won't come, just that they can't stay overnight, which is perfectly reasonable.

Josephinebloggs · 27/11/2016 14:47

Your parents sound like excellent dog owners. Nice to hear.

sandragreen · 27/11/2016 14:48

YANBU to not want the dogs. I am a dog lover and wouldn't want the added stress considering what you have said about your cat, whose needs should come first.

However, YABU thinking you can dictate to other people when they should stay or go. If they have commitments which mean they cannot stay over then so what really?

DarlesChickens61 · 27/11/2016 14:48

I wouldn't take my dog to a party. Neither would I leave him alone for 2 days. Kennels are not an option either.

Your mil is being a responsible pet owner.

littlesallyracket · 27/11/2016 14:48

The cat went to a cattery every single year when we went to them for Christmas (until their house got too small and we had to host). It wouldn't have occurred to me to do otherwise.

Cats and dogs are very different animals with very different needs, though. Putting a dog in kennels is a much bigger deal than putting a cat in a cattery.

Dogs are very dependent on their owners' company, much more so than cats. Also if one of your parents' dogs barks a lot and steals food, it sounds quite highly-strung and might well be quite distressed in kennels (even more so if it's a rescue dog or has already had a previous home before it came to your parents).

TheCatsBiscuits · 27/11/2016 14:48

YANBU - you sound really considerate, but so do your parents.

Are these rescue dogs? It could be that your DP don't want to return them to kennels in case it sets back any behavioural training, especially if there are separation anxiety issues, or they were in rescue for a protracted time before adoption. One of our dogs loves going to kennels but the other always used to hurl herself at me when I picked her up, as if she was just being released from Alcatraz.

TheCatsBiscuits · 27/11/2016 14:49

Sorry, that was a mixed YABU/YANBU - stupid editing.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 27/11/2016 14:49

Perfectly reasonable to me. I have both cat and dog, and before the dog the cat freaked out at canine visitors and we had to restrict visits. My house, my rules. Your house, your rules.

DarlesChickens61 · 27/11/2016 14:49

Oops... your parents not mil. Don't know where I got that from lol!

MakeItStopNeville · 27/11/2016 14:52

Going against the grain here but I have 2 dogs and I honestly can't imagine putting them above seeing my children. If my kids had all grown up and didn't want the dogs at their house (or a more likely reality, their partners didn't. My kids could never say no to our dogs!), I'd get a dog sitter and go and see my real children.

Original poster
IHeartKingThistle · 27/11/2016 14:53

Both rescues. I totally get that kennels might not work. I was hoping they'd be able to find one of those home from home people but the months have gone on and I don't think they'll be able to find someone now. But I don't think they've tried. It's OK. I'll just enjoy seeing them when they do come and appreciate the fact that they haven't complained about my rules or insisted on bringing the dogs.

OP posts:
Original poster
IHeartKingThistle · 27/11/2016 14:54

Thanks Neville.

OP posts:
FoulMouthedIlliterateHarridan · 27/11/2016 15:01

I don't think anyone is being unreasonable, you don't want dogs in your home and your parents don't want to leave the dogs. No-one's thrown a hissy fit, and it's not as if you won't see them the next day.

With fireworks going off, it's probably better off for the dogs to be in a familiar place with their owners anyway.

Dieu · 27/11/2016 15:03

As cats are the inferior animal, can't yours go to a cattery? Wink
Only joking sort of but they are usually less high maintenance and do better in pet boarding than dogs.

brasty · 27/11/2016 15:08

Honestly trying to get space in kennels for NY at this stage is probably impossible. I know we have to book in advance.

WiddlinDiddlin · 27/11/2016 15:09

No ones being unreasonable here as far as animals are concerned.

I wouldn't subject an elderly cat to dogs, I would not subject dogs to a party.

You cannot leave dogs alone at home overnight or for two days like you can with a cat, so its not that they are choosing their dogs over your kids, they HAVE no choice here, the dogs cannot be left that long.

Finding a kennels at short notice (was this short notice, should someone have let them know earlier, what went wrong there) is nigh on impossible and certainly in my area the only one you'd find with a vacancy you wouldn't house a turd in.

Finding a cattery place might work and then they could bring the dogs with them but personally I would rather my own dogs were secure in their own home on a night where theres going to be lots of drunk people and fireworks, than in the middle of a party with all the risk that entails.

brasty · 27/11/2016 15:11

My friend does dog sitting in her own home. I know the agency she does it through finds it difficult to place difficult and nervous dogs. I know because she is one of the few that will take them. These people don't get paid much and looking after a dog that will be very high maintenance, is just too much trouble for most.

Mistletoetastic · 27/11/2016 15:12

Unless they have booked kennels already then highly unlikely that they will get in. I booked my cat in for Christmas at cattery (also a kennels) in October and had the last space. Therefore I can't see that your DM has any other choice other than to not stay with you but still see you.

Original poster
IHeartKingThistle · 27/11/2016 15:15

They've had a year's notice, nothing went wrong, they've had a long time to sort it out! It was the opposite of short notice!

I honestly don't think the cat would come back alive from a cattery. She's extremely old, deaf, on medication and easily stressed.

OP posts:
SpunkyMummy · 27/11/2016 15:16

You aren't being unreasonable. Put your DS and your cat first (I'd certainly put our cat first...)

However, your parents are t unreasonable either. They have to be good pet owners and cut the visit short. Compromise is the only solution here...