Dog owners, am I being mean?

[IHeartKingThistle]

My parents have 2 dogs, quite recently acquired and much adored. They are besotted with them and the dogs make them really happy, which is great obviously. One is very placid, one is less so and barks, steals food etc. I've never had dogs and I struggle to understand them and I'm a bit nervous if I'm honest. DS has always been nervous of dogs but is much better now.

I'm hosting all my side of the family for NY- no one's local so everybody comes to stay

The complicating factor is the cat - we have an ancient cat who is very easily stressed. When stressed she poos and wees everywhere, wails all night and pulls her fur out. Because of this I have said no dogs in the house.

DM is now talking about only coming up for the meal on NYD because of this. She's not being difficult with me but I would be gutted if they didn't come to stay as usual because they put the dogs first. If I'm completely honest, I wouldn't be wild about the dogs coming if we didn't have the cat, but I would consider it. The cat is the deal breaker for me.

I know I don't understand what it's like to have a dog. Am I being mean to expect them to find arrangements for the dogs for 2 days? I don't want to make them unhappy but it'll just be a nightmare if the dogs come.

We use our dog walker/doggy day care person as they also do overnight care. We take our dog most places but sometimes we want a non dog day out or weekend. Things like weddings and holidays that involve flights. Have they not had any reason to ever leave them? Or just refused invitations?

It's really good to have that flexibility. There's tons of people who offer that service around me and more national websites like homes4hounds and borrowmydoggy.

YANBU to not want the dogs to stay at yours but it will possibly be very hard to find somewhere for 2 dogs to stay at New Year so i think you need to respect your dm's decision not to stay.

My dog (not a rescue so no previous abuse etc) spent one night in kennels and hated it. It took her weeks to get over. I wouldn't subject her to it again and, if it came to it, would miss out on an event myself if the only care option was kenneling her for another night.

OP, I think your mother can't win in this one, TBH.

Yanbu saying the dogs can't come

Yabu to expect your parents to stress the dogs out at kennels or sn unfamiliar home. They're not choosing the dogs over you anymore than you are choosing the cat over your parents.

Don't be melodramatic about them missing out on seeing gc, you've said already you see s fair bit of them and they're coming for nyd

OP, you sound very very reasonable to me and I'd be really pissed off if this were me. But then again, although I like dogs, I don't call them fur babies and people, humans, grandchildren, children, good friends come way ahead in the pecking order for me.

Your DM must've known she was going to be presented with this dilemma, if it were me, I would be hurt that she hasn't looked into what she was going to do with the dogs. Maybe she thought you'd relent when push came to shove, or that your elderly cat might not be around...

If your DM has never had dogs before, then she's never experienced the nightmare that is booking into kennels on bank holidays! She maybe genuinely doesn't realise she'll never get anywhere by this stage. Or maybe she's totted up the cost of double price Bank Holiday rates and fainted in horror

They've had a dog before. I've offered to pay for the dog care!

See how reasonable I am?!

What about all those people who wanted to see you at Christmas/ parties / holidays etc though? They didn't sign up for that!

No they didn't. But when you make a long term commitment or life choice then it will inevitably have a knock-on effect on your social life, friends and family. I have a close friend who re-trained as a nurse and now works in ICU. She loves her job but the consequence is that as she no longer works in a 9-5 M-F job then sometimes there are social events and family occasions that she has to miss. I have another friend who has just had her first baby - and obviously this has had a pretty big impact on her social life and her willingness to travel, go out at short notice, go away for a weekend.

None of their friends and family 'signed up' for that and I miss those friends - as do their other friends and family - when they aren't able to attend an event. But lives change and people's priorities change. We can't all live based on what we think other people want all of the time; I'm sure you don't live like that?

Your parents have chosen something that you don't understand; you know rationally that doesn't make it wrong - it's just different. You're going to be fine and you're going to have a great Christmas. Look at this as an opportunity to make some new traditions based around Granny & Grandpa being there for the day rather than overnight.

You're going to have to stop being so rational. I may have to start understanding my parents

I don't think any of you are being unreasonable here, it's a shame that you don't get to spend as much time with your parents as you'd like but you're being fair about it and sounds like they've made a reasonable compromise. Even if they did change their minds all local boarding kennels would probably be fully booked by now anyway. I do think it's a little bit precious when people refuse to use boarding kennels, but that's their choice. (My much-adored old dog was a very nervous rescue and we used to put her in boarding kennels on bonfire night and NYE as it was a very remote place with no neighbours close enough for fireworks to be heard - she was petrified of fireworks and would be ill from stress if she was at home when our neighbours were setting them off.)

Thistle

You know you are going about this the wrong way don't you? This is AIBU - you are supposed to ignore all of the advice given and be incredibly stubborn!

Starchild - it depends very much on having decent boarding kennels within reasonable reach though. It also depends on the dog. My parents dog lasted 48 hours in kennels before my sister had to step in and go and fetch her, as the dog refused to eat and drink and was so unhappy that she was just standing or laying cowering and shaking in a corner for the whole time that she was there. Sometimes it's not being precious, it's being a responsible dog-owner and not putting your pet in an environment which does not suit them.

Could they book accomodation close by that take dogs?

Lots of places do now.

We dont kennel our dog so he either comes with us or we rely on family much like a child.

YANBU to not want the dogs, but YABU for expecting her not to put the dogs first in her decision to only come for one day. In the same way that you've put your cat first, they're putting their dogs first.

YANBU to say no dogs, in your position I'd do the same. It Is your cats home and cats needs should come before dogs.

However, you can't just leave dogs at home all day like you can with cats and certainly not overnight so if your parents choose not to stay then you can't really complain.

Confine the cat to your bedroom, with the door shut, litter tray and food in there?

Course you're not being unreasonable. I wouldn't put my cats under stress with a dog either it's their house

if you decide to get dogs then you have to deal with the fact that you cant leave them alone for extended periods and you cant just expect other people to be happy about having your dogs in their house.

They are going to restrict your life to some degree, thats what you sign up tp when you get dogs

I feel for you, OP. We have a dog, and at least 2-3 months in advance of a vacation/trips to England to see family, we book our pet sitter.

Our dog will be staying at our pet sitter's home here in America for nine days over Christmas, as I could not imagine skipping seeing my family and friends, and letting my parents see their grandchildren. That being said, I do have a lovely laid-back pug who's happy to stay in any home, and I could see how things would become more complicated with dogs who have separation anxiety etc.

Either way, I'd like to think if your parents were my parents, that they had exhausted every avenue, including having a friend or relative stay at home with the dogs.

Yanbu about not having the dogs in your house. I wouldn't have animals in my house that would stress my pets out.
Yabu about what your pil are choosing to do with their animals though.
We would never trust a sitter or boardings.
Even family don't feel very confident looking after our pets now ( one is very old, along with few exotic pets)
Next year will be the first time dh's family member (or anyone) will be watching them whilst we go to a wedding. it's only because it's abroad that they need watching.
We've missed events when they've been to far, or an overnight stay as we couldn't leave them with anyone now.
They would be massively unreasonable to just turn up at your house with the dogs though
Their dogs do not trump your cats welfare.

If you want to be proactive, and it sounds like your parents may be newbie dog owners... here are some tips, for 'in case they show up with dogs' this year.. and for next year/subsequent family events.

Emergency situation - dogs have to visit (you never know, better to be prepared).

Cat into an upstairs room with litterbox, food, etc.

Dogs in kitchen (closest access to outdoors usually).

This should in most houses give you TWO doors between dogs and cat.

Feliway plug in/collar/spray for cat room.
Dap plug in/collars/spray for dogs in kitchen.

If there are small children, then SERIOUSLY consider fitting some sort of temporary child proof lock to kitchen door so children CANNOT get in with dogs unsupervised or let dogs out (Because frankly, if they can, they will).

IF your parents have to bring the dogs insist that the dogs are crate trained (shouldn't take more than two weeks for them to train them sufficiently to use the crates in someone elses home though this WON'T mean they can be crated AND left unsupervised, thats likely to take a month or so as it involves gradually building up time) or trained to settle on a mat and not move until told to (I fancy crate training is the better option!).

I don't think you should have to have your parents dogs in your home if you do not want them but if you can tell your parents 'unless you crate train and supervise them whilst they are here then they cannot come' you sound much more reasonable - and if they DO crate train them then they won't be a bother - and you still have the cat as a good reason for dogs not to visit unless a dire emergency ('we forgot to book a kennel space/dog sitter is not a dire emergency!)..

Otherwise its likely that once you no longer have that cat, they will assume the dogs can come as it was the cat that was the reason!

-Find dog friendly b&b's local to you - check that they will allow dogs to be left there unsupervised (many won't. Some will, if dogs can be crated, some offer a dog sitting service).

-Find dog kennels local to you - check how far in advance they recommend you book for. Suggest to your parents they visit these places next time they are with you for suitability (NEVER leave a dog in kennels that you've never visited!)

• Recommend they crate train their dogs and other useful skills (toilet on cue, settle on a mat and leave it are three easy to teach and highly useful skills that make a dog far less irritating a visitor!)

These are just suggestions though to pre-empt stuff in future, in the end it is your home and your choice who or what enters it.

I don't have children in my home due to my dogs and thats not a rule I'll ever contemplate breaking, no matter how much it may offend or how awkward it makes social or family events.

They sound like responsible pet owners, which is very refreshing. You sound a little self absorbed to be honest, with your comments about them choosing the dogs over their grandchildren.

Well, they sounded like that until you said you're worried they will turn up with the dogs and try to force you to let them in? That would be massively unreasonable. If they do, I hope YOU will be the responsible pet owner and tell them to sod off for your cat's sake!

How about putting the cat in a cattery?