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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About partners on the ward after childbirth?

1000 replies

hullabaloo234 · 27/11/2016 10:46

Booked in for ELCS for breech baby.

Just going through this week's post and find a letter from the hospital about what to do/not do prior to the op, what time to arrive etc.

At the back is a letter for my "support person", with a list of do's and don'ts for their stay on the ward with me after my section.

Sorry, WTF?! I love DP dearly but not a chance do I want him or more importantly a load of other blokes on the ward.

I was already going to discharge myself the following morning but was realistic about staying a bit longer if needed- bollocks to that I am definitely leaving as soon as my catheter is out and I can walk again!

Am I the only person who thinks this is really bloody unreasonable?!

OP posts:

PeggyMitchell123 · 27/11/2016 13:48

Am in two minds with this, i don't think men should be on a ward 24/7 in theory but do understand why some need a partner around. I was in hospital 2 nights with my son. The first night the care I received was awful. It is known in the media as one of the most complained about hospitals. I had surgery so could not move from the waist down, and no help was around. I was left an hour after buzzing with blood all over me, left with a crying newborn who could not latch and no way to get the formula. The second day I was in tears all day and they put me in a side room so my partner could stay and help.

If care was better in maternity wards there would be no need for men to be on the wards.

Briarthorn · 27/11/2016 13:54

I'm not the shy type either but I wouldn't be happy about men roaring at me to shut my fucking baby up or that I was a filthy bitch for leaving blood in the loo as requested by an HCP. Or that visiting men were using the patient lavatories, arriving with the other DC in tow then putting their feet up and leaving them to run riot -all of which weren't the worst stories from the thread which ultimately led them to drop the campaign.

But I'm equally unhappy that post natal women especially those post CS are so neglected. The posts arguing for the need the partners are also heartbreaking

Psychomumsucks · 27/11/2016 13:58

Not sure why so many are against dads/partners being on the ward? I cried when my partner had to leave and I was in a private room. You shouldn't worry too much about men being on the ward they don't care about you they are there for their baby and their partner, who is also bleeding and breastfeeding etc so I'm sure they aren't going to be staring at you waiting for the sight of blood then comment on it to you. Women want to be equal to decoy when it doesn't suit them, it's the fathers child he has every right to be there all night I wish more places allowed this.

Psychomumsucks · 27/11/2016 14:00

"Except" when it doesn't suit them.

HappinessLivesHere · 27/11/2016 14:00

There's not a cat in hell's chance DP would not stay with me. Childbirth and those first few days are when you need your partner there and to be a little unit. I think yabvvvvu. And also to think what you want matters more than the other women on your ward.

DorothyHarris · 27/11/2016 14:02

I agree with you OP FWIW. I had a natural birth and a twin CS and didn't feel I needed DH with me 24/7 I sent him home both times at 8/9pm. I was also quite poorly after my twins. I think it's poor form to expect partners to stay to do jobs for the new mums that midwives and HCP should be doing anyway.

PeteSwotatoes · 27/11/2016 14:06

Psycho maybe try reading the thread, rather than leaping in at the end and admitting you don't understand something that's been explained in detail as few as two/three posts above yours?

birdybirdywoofwoof · 27/11/2016 14:08

Women want to be equal except when it doesn't suit them?

What on earth are you blathering on about?

WLF46 · 27/11/2016 14:11

YABU. Lots of mothers would like the father to be there with them, to offer them support and to be able to bond with their baby together.

Your unease at "there being a load of other men around" is your problem. You should deal with your issues rather than try to claim that everyone else should suffer by abiding by your rules!

What exactly is your problem with fathers being with the new mother and baby? They're not exactly there to perv over the other patients are they?!

If you need privacy in this way then you should use a service that allows you to have a private room. If you cannot afford that, then you should be grateful that you are provided with a medical service for free!

mimiholls · 27/11/2016 14:14

You can pay for a private room if
there's one available. We did
that and it was brilliant and very reasonable. There's no reason why you can't go home the next day if all went well and you don't need help with feeding etc.

TheSoapyFrog · 27/11/2016 14:14

I admire your optimism in thinking you will discharge yourself the next day. I was in for 4 days after my c-section, partly because my twins weren't feeding and became ill. The hospital allowed in mothers' partners 24 hours and, as a single mother, I envied them. I was lonely and exhausted with two babies whilst other mums were resting as their partners tended to the babies. It didn't bother me having men on the ward, I just pulled the curtain around my bed if I wanted privacy.

INeedNewShoes · 27/11/2016 14:16

Women want to be equal

Good point. Is there a ward in a hospital will you find a room of men who have had intimate procedures and are in a state of semi-undress, with blood dripping out of them and catheters in place having to share the room overnight with up to five visiting wives? I think not.

Equality should be for everyone who has to have an overnight stay in hospital to be able to recover and get some sleep without being at the mercy of other people's visitors actions disturbing their rest and jeopardising their sense of safety and dignity.

YelloDraw · 27/11/2016 14:19

And also to think what you want matters more than the other women on your ward

Not sure if you're being fantastically ironic, or if you're just a bit stupid to realise what you've said...!

nokidshere · 27/11/2016 14:23

It's an unresolvable issue though isn't it?

For every woman who wants a partner to stay there will be a woman who does. For every woman who feels vulnerable there will be a woman who doesn't. Unless all space is private rooms (which will never happen) someone - always female - is going to be unhappy.

Personally I don't care either way. When I went back in the ward at 10pm after my first DH was allowed to stay for an hour and we whispered behind closed curtains whilst I had tea and toast.

Although I am astounded that anyone could sleep in a ward full of newborns - with 6 in the room there was always one of them screaming!

nokidshere · 27/11/2016 14:25

For every woman who wants a partner to be there there will be a woman who doesn't*

MrTCakes · 27/11/2016 14:26

Your unease at "there being a load of other men around" is your problem. You should deal with your issues rather than try to claim that everyone else should suffer by abiding by your rules!

Yes come on now ladies, lets all just get over ourselves.

gillybeanz · 27/11/2016 14:29

I think you are very lucky if your partner gets to stay, the hospitals where mine were born, men had to go home.
I wanted a quick exit from hospital too, but you don't always get what you want.
With 2 of ours we had to stay in an extra day because their temperature was just a little bit down, so they weren't allowed to go.
With ds1 you had to stay in for 10 days as it was back then, the care was no better though and no help with feeding at all

honkinghaddock · 27/11/2016 14:30

I think those who want their partner with them should be the ones paying for a private room.

sophie150 · 27/11/2016 14:31

I wish my dh had been allowed to stay- no one else was remotely interesting in caring for me.
At best I was ignored and at worst i was shouted at by the hca for having my bed too high (I needed to so I could get my baby out of the crib post elcs)- but she didn't offer to get the baby out for me. Never felt so vulnerable

sophie150 · 27/11/2016 14:32

And haddock - I would have paid anything for a private room- but there just aren't any! Quite rightly they are most often given for free to mothers who have had difficult labours.

catsarenice · 27/11/2016 14:33

I think it's a nice idea in theory; support for partner and getting to know baby if there were plenty of private rooms. Unfortunately, on the ward they have to sleep in a chair and the curtains don't offer much privacy. TBH it was the non-stop snoring chorus that pissed me off the most when I really really needed sleep after giving birth. Baby slept through but I couldn't because of the noise!

RichardBucket · 27/11/2016 14:36

You are NOT being unreasonable. It's fucking horrific that men are allowed on recovery wards 24/7 with vulnerable women.

FizzBombBathTime · 27/11/2016 14:37

I think those who want their partner with them should be the ones paying for a private room

That's what I'm doing, worth every penny

RichardBucket · 27/11/2016 14:38

They're not exactly there to perv over the other patients are they?!

Some of them are, yes. In the other threads about this there were several separate occasions where men had raped their partners who had just given birth, and others who leered at breastfeeding women.

Step out of your little box, dear.

AnnaT45 · 27/11/2016 14:41

YANBU those wards are noisy and crowded enough. You need a break at night from it all. I also have irritating hate of whispering which lots of couples do!

Just be open minded about staying in. I could only get strong painkillers if I stayed in and didn't want my toddler jumping all over me. Good luck

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