About partners on the ward after childbirth?

[hullabaloo234]

Booked in for ELCS for breech baby.

Just going through this week's post and find a letter from the hospital about what to do/not do prior to the op, what time to arrive etc.

At the back is a letter for my "support person", with a list of do's and don'ts for their stay on the ward with me after my section.

Sorry, WTF?! I love DP dearly but not a chance do I want him or more importantly a load of other blokes on the ward.

I was already going to discharge myself the following morning but was realistic about staying a bit longer if needed- bollocks to that I am definitely leaving as soon as my catheter is out and I can walk again!

Am I the only person who thinks this is really bloody unreasonable?!

Doyou, well that sucks and should never have happened, and if the only way to stop that kind of behaviour is for partners not to be there then I guess they shouldn't. I don't think it is the only way, but I could be wrong. No need to be a sarky bitch with me about it either way. And it wasn't just a case of want. I needed my partners help. Care was a joke.

I can see both sides of this but from my experience yabu a bit.

My DD was born by CS at 5pm. I lost 1.5l of blood and was off my face on morphine. My OH was chucked out at 8pm on the dot and I didn't see her again for 12 hours. It was hands down the most terrifying night of my life. Staff were few and far between. DD cried and I had to wait ages for someone to get her for me. I then just kept her on my chest the whole night which was agony when the drugs wore off. She would not latch and no one would come and help. I was crying and sitting in a pool of my own blood when OH came back and I have never been so relieved.

You don't know how hard it can be until you've been there!

After my section I had a catheter fitted so there was very little I could do for around the first 28-30 hours or so. Having DH there early helped but he wasn't able to stay over. I found the time in hospital particularly at night on my own very difficult.

staff are there to nurse. Not change nappies, get me a drink of water, put covers over my feet etc.

I really needed DP with me last time but I had a private room so it was fine (abroad) But on an open ward I don't agree with partners being able to stay. It's such a vulnerable time (I remember dripping blood everywhere I walked). It's tricky though as I won't have anyone with me this time except for maybe a few hours due to DP looking after toddler. I just wish the nursing staff weren't so stretched and could do their jobs properly then there wouldn't be a need for this. What about all the single mums? Or people with no family to help?

I totally disagree. I also have ulcerative colitis so understand about the surgeries that go with it. I however had the worst experience staying in hospital with my emergency c section.
My partner was only allowed to stay till 8pm and return at 10 am the next day.
I dropped the alarm button half hour after my partner had left and couldn't even sit up by myself. The curtains where shut the whole night and no one came in all night until the morning to change the bedding. I was also flared up at the time.
My baby spent the whole night on the bed with me as I physically could not get up to put him back in his cot.
They had also forgotten to give me any painkillers nor could I have asked for them.
I was awake for the whole night for the second night in a row as I was to scared to fall asleep with the baby on my lap. Not that I would've of been comfortable.
Breakfast was also help yourself which I couldn't get myself as i couldn't stand. My partner had assumed I was fine and didn't turn up till nearly lunch time as he had gone to get me a present. So had to wait till lunch time before I had even had food and a drink. The experience was horrible and I would've loved if my partner was there to help me. I think your quite lucky to have that choice.

DH was with me for most of the four days I was in hospital. He slept on the chair beside be, very useful as I had twins and had a csection and couldn't stand up for more than a couple of minutes. Very glad to have him there.

I wish you all the best OP but I do think your expectations are very high as to how you'll feel afterwards. Sections are brutal, which you'll know if you've had one before (although you've not answered that question). In my experience after three sections the recovery is worse after each and #3 was horrendous. Absolute agony afterwards. It's due to scar tissue, apparently. The hospital don't like you having the baby in bed with you all night yet they equally don't want to help you lift the baby out of the cot whenever they cry. I didn't have the option of DH staying with me and I understand your reasons. I don't think you're U in what you're saying but I think you might be in for a shock if you think you'll be cheerfully strolling out within minutes of having your catheter out.

The last long thread had many harrowing examples of why this is a bad idea. I don't think it's so much that women view or feel that men in general are a risk, it's to do with direct or shared experience as well as a knowledge of the statistics regarding male violence, especially domestic abuse which tends to escalate with pregnancy and childbirth.

Can I say having curtains closed all day is selfish to the ladies and babies who are furthest away from the windows. I had a jaundiced baby who seemed to get worse 2 days after he was born. I ended up swapping beds and plonking him beside the window to ensure I didn't have any more nights in hospital.

If curtains are open women will actually talk to each other and might even be able to help each other out. Instead its men in the wards curtains shut and for the lady who's partner can't stay its like prison solitary confinement.

I needed an emergency section with my DC this year and in my ward partners were not allowed to stay overnight. Due to complications my DC & I were kept in for several days.

In theory partners were allowed from 10am-9pm and meant to leave during lunch/dinner for I think 90 mins per meal break. In reality the staff did not ask partners to leave during meal times. I liked this actually since visiting hours were 4 hours per day for non-partners and could be busy. I kept it to just the DGP visiting at separate times but a woman next to me had 22 visitors during a 90 minute visiting period (half in at each time) it was ridiculously loud and busy and I had to struggle through her visitors to get to the toilet!

We had 4beds in a room and had additional beds been provided for partners it would have been such a squash! No one except patients used the toilet in our ward and instead went to the floor below which was the closest for the public.

Personally I liked my DH having long visiting hours but not being able to stay. It would have been far too loud to have people talking etc all night. It's hard enough to sleep between feeds and I was regularly woken by HCPs for tests/medication/updates about me and my son. The downside of partners being sent home was women talking/ often crying on the phone all night to their partners. But had their partner been allowed to stay the nose levels may have been worse. I did feel sorry for those ladies so upset during the night but much of it was distress over breast feeding difficulties etc and the reality is their partners couldn't have fixed that but more HCPs could help. It's frustrating that the OPs hospital is dressing this up as helping women post labour when the reality is trying to reduce workload.

Post section I did everything for my baby as his bed was next to mine and as long as I adjusted the height I could change/cuddle him etc. I just needed to ensure everything was in easy reach for me when my DH left to minimise calls to HCPs that were unnecessary

I was so daunted by the prospect of other people's partners being on the ward overnight when DP couldn't (and actually I'd rather he was home getting some rest so he could be properly helpful in the daytime) that I booked a doula for the two nights I spent on the postnatal Ward after my ELCS. Really glad I did cos the first night the staff seemed really overstretched and I wouldn't have been able to get my baby to feed him and the staff took a while to answer the call bell. Realise it's not for everyone but I did credit my speedy recovery on having help at hand just for me. And this was my second CS, so I wasnt a total novice. As it turned out the other people's partners were really lovely and quiet, I wouldn't have felt intimidated by them, but who knows what it'll be like in advance? Its a tricky one - in a way I'm glad people can have overnight help whether it be their husband, relative or a doula, but for those who have no one there it just makes the experience potentially more lonely and anxious.

I'm wondering upon hospitals deal with muslims women who will not accept to have men around them wo being covered.
How are they going to bf? Have any sort of examinations? Are they expecting them to be hidden behind a curtain all day long or to leave hops ASAP, even if not good for them, just to be able to get the privacy they need?

I can't see it being different n the case of the OP.
Some people are happy to have their DP there at any time. They are also happy to have other women DP present when they are trying to bf and t all hanging out.
Others don't.
Just have a ward where partners are allowed at all time, and wards where they can't/have restricted visiting hours. Let women chose. Yu might get surprises at how many women actually want their DP (and other men) in their ward when they are so vulnerable.

And yes, there did used to be enough staff on wards to help with changing nappies, bringing drinks, etc.
And no other wards I know of expect patients to fetch their own breakfast.

MrEbear I don't think it's any more selfish to close your wondows that to impose make visitors to people who don't want men eyeing their boobs whilst they are trying to bf.
The issue isn't the other patients.
The issue is the NHS being unable to give adequate care to its patients, and yes incl ensuring that a jaundice baby gets enough sunlight.

OP clearly says on p1 that she's never had a c section but has had abdominal surgery before...

Yanbu.

I bloody hated all the dads being on the ward. Fair enough at visiting time and when the baby has just been born, but other than that I wanted privacy and sleep!

I was in for 2 nights after my section and the nurses kept opening my curtains even though I said I wanted privacy while I felt like shit and was trying to establish breast feeding.

Dh visited every visitors time but then left promptly when it ended. Other blokes were having to be asked to leave hours later, it was very frustrating.

Everyone will have a different view but I think yanbu.

I am having DS by ELCS in 2 weeks and I thank my lucky stars every day that our post natal ward is private rooms only. Having partners stay overnight should only be considered in those circumstances - the idea of a 6 bed bay with 6 mums and babies and 6 extra bodies is positively Crimean. Most NHS wards are stuffy, noisy, grubby and stink of piss ime - I cannot imagine how much worse they would be in the above circumstances.

Even though we will be in a private room, I have told DH that I don't want/need him there overnight (although I may change my mind of course). It seems daft for neither of us to rest - I would prefer that he got some sleep so I could rest when I got home.

These threads really interest me because the question of whether men are allowed to stay (or not) is always hotly debated but is a secondary issue in my opinion. The more material point is surely whey wards are so appallingly short-staffed that women regard overnight support from partners as essential and how the NHS got so far behind the curve when it comes to privacy/dignity (and specifically to 1 or 2 bed bays with an en suite - which are the norm in most comparable countries)?

Doyou, sorry if I contributed to that, I certainly didn't mean to suggest that my experience of being a new mum was more important to me than other women feeling safe on a basic level. I don't know how I would have coped without my DH and I would always choose a situation where he could be with me and the baby if I could, but not at the expense of other people being okay.
I would want him there but if it could never work on an open ward I would find a hospital that has amenity rooms and pay. In fact I will be doing that for the next baby anyway as my sleeping is messed up and despite months of sleepness nights from obstetric cholestasis and 30 hours of labour before EMCS I couldn't sleep for four nights with the noise of the ward. I was in a state. Dunno how I will ever afford it but I'm basically not having another baby till I get the money.

YANBU
Fine if people have individual rooms

I was in for a week with my last child, partners were allowed to stay so we were 7 people on a 4 bed ward with only curtains for privacy

I sent my OH home every night

I've had two sections (one in London and one in Manchester) and been discharged the day after for both. Total rubbish that you can't be discharged the following day. I was hiking on day 3 second time around. Absolutely fine.

Haven't rtft but I couldn't care less about other people's partners or being seen topless etc and I wanted my dh there. Buzz and the midwife will come help lift baby sounds like someone is coming from a parallel universe, hours of waiting , many buzzes, and several trips out to ask someone / the actual midwife ('be there in 5!') didn't get me a midwife in the more staffed daytime, I feel like my baby would have starved if I'd depended on the midwife not my partner. I would switch hospitals if he couldn't stay.

I had my youngest by csection (3 previous easy deliveries). It was bloody awful and they wouldn't let my husband stay. So I discharged myself the next day I just couldn't hardly even lift ds (10lb 7oz two weeks early) and they offered no help an strict visiting times. He was born just after 1am and I was home by 3 in the afternoon. I got to rest, and it was far nicer than being in the hospital alone.

I needed my DH with me when I had an elective CS but certainly not all night. Our hospital only allows 8am-9pm and that is plenty.
I was lucky in that I was given a sole occupancy room so it was nice and quiet (not so lucky when they forgot me for meals though) but I did have to ring the bell on the first night to put DD back in her crib after feeding as I couldn't lean over. The night nurse got very shirty with me for it though.
I was supposed to stay in for 5 days but discharged after 3 as I really wanted to go home. I was also terrified of having DD stolen when I went out to the loo!
Was only allowed to go after a thorough check up by the doctor though.