About partners on the ward after childbirth?

[hullabaloo234]

Booked in for ELCS for breech baby.

Just going through this week's post and find a letter from the hospital about what to do/not do prior to the op, what time to arrive etc.

At the back is a letter for my "support person", with a list of do's and don'ts for their stay on the ward with me after my section.

Sorry, WTF?! I love DP dearly but not a chance do I want him or more importantly a load of other blokes on the ward.

I was already going to discharge myself the following morning but was realistic about staying a bit longer if needed- bollocks to that I am definitely leaving as soon as my catheter is out and I can walk again!

Am I the only person who thinks this is really bloody unreasonable?!

Terrible idea. I don't choose to sleep in rooms with men I don't know when I've got all my wits about me never mind when I'm hooked up to catheters etc and can't get away.

The answer is to keep asking for help and complain when hcp are rude and obstructive. No one will put money into postnatal whilst women are telling themselves to suck up shit care or that they need to share a room with adult men just to get a bit of support at night. If the nhs cannot fund a couple of hca to pass women babies and drinks at night then it's fucked anyway frankly.

Some men are, unfortunately, sex offenders, and some of those men are also parents. So some of those men are likely to end up on a post natal ward with their female partners. I don't get why this is hard to understand?
Most men aren't pervs thank god, but when you've just had a baby and may be unable to move (due to catheters and drains etc) is probably one of the worst times to be stuck with a pervy bloke.

Why on earth are wards so understaffed that partners are needed to help with basic care? I had my children many years ago, when you were in hospital for over a week, babies were in the nursery overnight and visiting hours were from 7pm to 9pm. Not saying that is ideal, but I arrived home rested and with breastfeeding fully established. Surely there must be a happy medium. Incidentally, my husband would have been bored out of his mind hanging around my bedside all day.

Eddie it's that change that needs to be looked at. I think we are going backwards!

The husband of the woman next to me was allowed to stay longer as he was her interpreter. Hence a LOT of loud conversations, in two languages, every few hours when the HCPs came round. And of course in between times too, loud convos between them when the rest of us were trying to sleep

What I'm surprised about is that so many women seem to feel vulnerable around men as a default and that is a very sad reflection on society

It is very sad, and it's a problem men need to solve, not women by giving up their safe spaces. Perhaps they could start by committing fewer violent and sexually violent crimes against women, and maybe we won't be so afraid of them.

I would feel even more uncomfortable if the other partners were not all strangers. Suppose it was your neighbour or a chap from your workplace whose wife just happened to be giving birth at the same time? Could be very embarrassing afterwards.

The other women on the ward are also strangers, and can be just as threatening or intimidating as men.

When they've just given birth? Give over.

Hospital wards are divided into bays and the beds are on wheels. It should be possible to offer a different service in two bays.

People often say this, but it flies in the face of the reality of the NHS, which is that there isn't capacity. There aren't all these spare beds going, which there would have to be in order to offer those kind of choices. It sounds lovely and compromisey, but what do you think would happen the first time a woman is brought up to the ward at 2am, doesn't want to be nursed on a bay with men, and the women only bay is full? Do you think that woman will necessarily feel comfortable insisting on all the male partners being turfed out, and that all the male partners will be ok with being turfed? Or do you think she might feel frightened into keeping schtum?

I was in for 5 days because of c section and late prem baby with jaundice and not feeding properly. I would have loved extra help as the midwives weren't helpful and left me to get on with it including having to drag a pumping machine up and down the corridor every couple of hours.
I wouldn't have wanted the help at the expense of having to put up with others partners though.

And it's 'support person'. Could be anyone, not necessarily the father. This isn't about bonding, this is about that fact that they want another person there to provide care to the patient that they should be providing but aren't due to poor staffing.

When I had DD1 one of these lovely 'partners' locked himself in the patient loo and shot up heroin. He then kicked off in the room as the police dragged him out.

Plenty of women on here over the years (I've been here 11) have reported being verbally abused and threatened (and their babies) by patients' 'partners', particularly overnight.

I wouldn't have my DH or any other father robbed of the first week of his baby's life. He is a parent too.

I would so rather a father was 'robbed' of the first week (which considering he will be there for the rest of the child's life is a drop in the ocean, and not really a theft is it) than a woman be robbed of her privacy and dignity in the most difficult time of her life

It's a scandal. I would have loved DH there because the postnatal care in an overstretched London hospital was so very shit, but why should women who have just given birth have to deal with random people being there all night because the NHS can't afford proper staffing?

You shouldn't worry too much about men being on the ward they don't care about you they are there for their baby and their partner, who is also bleeding and breastfeeding etc so I'm sure they aren't going to be staring at you waiting for the sight of blood then comment on it to you.

Psychomum have you not read all the posts from women who experienced men who did care about them, did stare and did make rude and frightening comments? Or do you think they're all lying? Because for you to say something as manifestly wrong as that, one of those must be true. Same goes for you WLF46. Why would you say the men won't be there to perv when we've heard from women who tell us that some of them clearly used the time to do just that?

If you need privacy in this way then you should use a service that allows you to have a private room. If you cannot afford that, then you should be grateful that you are provided with a medical service for free!

Erm, no. You seem to have got this rather arse about face.

The NHS and us as a society generally are opposed to mixed wards. For good reason. The people wanting special treatment are the ones who want to force other people to be nursed on mixed wards, which is what you're doing if you want your partner there. It is THEY who bear the responsibility for paying because they are the ones who wish to deviate from the norm. Privacy isn't a fucking optional extra luxury.

Also, I don't know about you, but I don't get the NHS for free. I pay taxes.

At first, I thought ywbu but the more I think about the more yanbu. In fact on reflection hospitals should be visitor free zones full stop. Parking should be only for those collecting a patient, staff or attending an appointment. Noro virus outbreak rates alone would be vastly reduced. We wouldn't have to other people taking the piss and having loud conversations that disturb us. I have been in hospital quite a lot and tbh more people got upset and agitated over visitors than actually appreciated them. They can't help but bring their problems to you as they think it's a distraction. Well, it's not because they also expect you to solve them.
We should be able to hire a duala or patient representative to be able to look after our interests during our stay because over all family is shit when you are trying to recover as they can't help trying to slot you back into your familial role before you are ready for it..

The snoring argument is a red herring though, women snore too

You only have to stay in 24 hours after. I discharged myself next day with all 3 of my c sections even though I was (especially with ds3) urged to stay (complications during surgery). I wanted my own bed, to see my kids, and some privacy and peace and quiet. Wards are very noisy with babies screaming and nurses chattering all night. However, that said, I would have liked DH to stay the one night I was in to help with nappy changes and pass my baby over so I could feed her. It's hard to do this post surgery and I had to keep buzzing the nurses, who seemed pretty annoyed with me!

Women do snore too, although there's some suggestion men may do it more. But even if the incidence was identical, it's not a red herring because doubling the number of people on a ward doubles the possibility of there being a snorer there. The more people sleeping within hearing distance of a postpartum woman, the more likely it is that she'll be disturbed by a snorer.

I think a fundamental problem with these type of threads is people judge others by their own standards, I have a lovely DH who would never look in another woman's space in a ward, be respectful, clear off if need be, talk quietly and do as he is told. He has said hay even if he could stay overnight he never would out of respect for other mums. However I'm not blinkered enough to think everyone else's DH is like mine, and that's what people posting forget. Becoming a father doesn't suddenly make you virtuous and it doesn't mean you can't be abusive and loud and disrespectful. We live in a country where 1 in 4 women have experienced DV and 1 in 10 have been raped. 99% of the time its men doing this. It's not hysterical that women don't feel safe around strange men, it's very reasonable and realistic, and until a) men as a class stop hurting women and b) the NHS improves its maternity care, there is no way in hell men should be allowed 24/7 access to vulnerable women in a postnatal ward, no matter how nice your DPs are

The snoring argument is a red herring though, women snore too

The women have to be there - they are patients.

It's not a red herring.

Plus if there's ten other people in the room rather than five then the odds of a loud snorer increases. Especially when five of them are sleeping semi upright in a chair.

Not sure why so many are against dads/partners being on the ward? I cried when my partner had to leave and I was in a private room. You shouldn't worry too much about men being on the ward they don't care about you they are there for their baby and their partner, who is also bleeding and breastfeeding etc so I'm sure they aren't going to be staring at you waiting for the sight of blood then comment on it to you. Women want to be equal to decoy when it doesn't suit them, it's the fathers child he has every right to be there all night I wish more places allowed this

What a load of gaslighting bullshit. Postnatal wards aren't there to accommodate parents being with children, they are to care medically for patients, ie Mum and baby. Dad is not a patient. He has no right to be there outside of visiting hours

Also have you read the thread? About he comments from men about blood, staring and general discomfort. Too many men aren't respectful, and don't "kust care about their baby". Fuck me I hate the way some women on here are making others out to be hysterical for not wanting a strange man in a woman's space.

the NHS improves its maternity care
Exactly! If the care was better women would need their DPs there to change nappies/pass the baby/bring drinks/change the bloody catheter bag etc etc. But as it is, if you're there on your own, you sit there thirsty, uncomfortable, with a full catheter bag and a screaming baby!

*wouldnt

Richard I'm In agreement with you! It was the posters saying 'You can't rest hearing people snore etc' well women snore too so it wouldn't matter if it is a man or woman. Like I say; I am in agreement with you. I paid for private room last time and will be again so I could have privacy from EVERYBODY.