About partners on the ward after childbirth?

[hullabaloo234]

Booked in for ELCS for breech baby.

Just going through this week's post and find a letter from the hospital about what to do/not do prior to the op, what time to arrive etc.

At the back is a letter for my "support person", with a list of do's and don'ts for their stay on the ward with me after my section.

Sorry, WTF?! I love DP dearly but not a chance do I want him or more importantly a load of other blokes on the ward.

I was already going to discharge myself the following morning but was realistic about staying a bit longer if needed- bollocks to that I am definitely leaving as soon as my catheter is out and I can walk again!

Am I the only person who thinks this is really bloody unreasonable?!

I had no idea that men staying overnight on the postnatal ward was even a possibility!

I'm single and due to give birth in April. I'm expecting to feel vulnerable after giving birth anyway and I really don't like the idea of having to share a room with 5 other women (that bit's ok) and their partners. The fact that most of the partners will be men is only part of the story; That many people (regardless of gender) in a small space is off-putting if you're dealing with undignified bleeding, struggling with feeding, trying to get a little sleep etc.

I've just looked up my hospital's postnatal ward and thankfully it says that visiting hours for partners end at 9pm 'so that women have adequate rest, privacy and security.' What a relief!

This again.

Having surgery but no baby to care for is pretty different. No comparison at all really.

I think saying partners being allowed on the ward overnight AND having to have your curtain open all the time is the worst combination of options. It was bad enough having the bed that was right to the bin which clanged heavily each time it was used. Proud Pacing Dad had a routine of taking one item at a time - pace pace pace CLANG pace pace pace CLANG. If I'd had to have seen him in action I would have gone completely doolally. And that was in the daytime as there was a no visitors overnight policy.

For my EMCS, a VB requiring repair and a semi-elective CS, the staff were very keen to have me out at 24hrs. The first time I was really feeling dreadful, but got a bit spiel about the lack of beds. The 2 subsequent deliveries I felt good at the time and was desperate to get home. Though when I was readmitted for a blood transfusion the staff wanted me to make a formal complaint at the care I'd received on the postnatal ward.

My only real issue was having my tray thing moved out of reach along with the buzzer, which made things a bit difficult as my mobility was still hampered.

I was very glad to have my husband there and just had to get over hobbling to the loo, bloody and sore, in front of other people's husbands.

Jesus, and people say we don't live in a sexist world. Women have gone through one of the most dangerous, distressing and painful things they'll ever go through, and people expect them to 'get over' the distress of it all before men 'get over' the fact that it's not all about them

There must be women coming up against this situation and being surprised by it every day. It was not a widespread practice until recently.

YABU. I had a c-section and needed my partner there. Very hard birth, very busy hospital, I don't know how I would have coped without him.

That was a middle way though as there were no beds provided and it was not allowed to bring airbeds etc. So basically partners (or a mother/sister/friend/ any chosen person) could be there at any time but very few stayed over. They weren't allowed to use the toilet on the ward that the women used - had to go outside to the guest toilets. A lady opposite had a sister stay with her, no other men stayed. My DH slept in a chair. I had to stay a week. I only managed to breastfeed because of his help. No way the staff could have given me that level of help. Fine to say the NHS should be staffed so partners aren't needed but it isn't. I couldn't move off the bed for days. He went with my son when my son needed treatments, cannulating, injections, things for which it was very beneficial for my son to have him there. My son needed him.

I wouldn't have my DH or any other father robbed of the first week of his baby's life. He is a parent too.

I agree a LOT more should be done to tackle noise, arguments and disrespectful behaviour (the hospital I stayed in was awful at times) but all the way around the clock.( And I've got to say the men were not the worst offenders and I didn't experience unpleasant behaviour from any of them. Not of course that that means it doesn't happen.) They should be stricter but not imo by turfing partners out. I do see the points of those who are troubled by them being there. But I, personally, would crawl on hands and knees to find a hospital that would let my DH be with me and my child.

Before I had DD I would have said YANBU as I thought it would be invasive as our ward allowed it. And then I had a long labour that ended in EMCS - DP went home after we were moved to the postnatal ward around midday as he had been up all night and was worried about driving. My care on the postnatal ward was shocking, and the worst part of the entire experience for me. I have already told me that next time round he is not leaving me for one nanosecond on that postnatal ward! I can honestly say I wasn't bothered by other women's partners (beyond wishing mine was there to help), I just kept the curtain round my bed shut. If postnatal care was better, I'd say partners shouldn't need to stay but after my experience I am all for partners staying!!

(YANBU to not want partners there but YABU to say the hospital is being U because lots of people do want and need them there.)

I wouldn't have my DH or any other father robbed of the first week of his baby's life. He is a parent too.

I don't think this is at all relevant.

Your other argument about covering for nursing care is one thing, but he could have come in within normal visiting hours. Nobody is "robbing men" of the first week of their baby's life.

I would have loved to have DH there with my overnight after givingbirth, but I understand that not everyone feels the same.

The thing I don't get is why people seem to be fine with partners during the day but not at night? Surely the 'trying to breastfeed/being covered in blood/hobbling to the loo whilst feeling like the whole.world is about the fall out of your arse' in front of random blokes thing is much more of an issue during the daytime, when it is light and everyone is awake than at night anyway?

The incidence of male on female violence and abuse is way higher than female on female abuse or female on male abuse. Also there is strong correlation between pregnancy and dv.

These are the women that must be prioritised over men.

It never occurred to me that my partner WOULDN'T stay with me in my bed in the ward. We were there 5 days. He left about twice for an hour or two to nip home for a shower. That was it. Everyone else also had partners there 100% of the time too.
I probably would have discharged myself against all medical advice if he couldn't.

Oh this is difficult. I can see what you mean, definitely. The visitors drove me mad too; some people seemed to have about 15 loud booming men and screeching kids there and whilst normally I understand this, when you're in pain, trying to bf for the first time behind a tiny thin curtain, and realise that you've stood up and half a pot of strawberry jam has just fallen out of your pants and slapped, glistening, onto the floor, it's a nightmare.

OTOH, I was on the ward for 3 days after an ELCS. If DP had not been there, I could never have shuffled up and down the ward (essential post c-section, I'm sure that forcing myself to do those walks helped with a really quick recovery) or spent half an hour trying to go to the toilet or had that first blissful shower, or got any sleep when the baby refused to go in the cot... Unless you're in a v quiet hospital, there is no way the staff have time to help.

Would a private room be possible? Sometimes you can even get them for free; 2 of my friends have managed this. I meant to do get a private room but as it happened I'd had 3 weeks on the ward in total, and 3 weeks in a private room was NOT possible!! So I didn't bother once she arrived because I was already in a sort of Stockholm syndrome state.

Lots of luck either way - you'll soon have a lovely new baby and that's the main thing :)

What I'm surprised about is that so many women seem to feel vulnerable around men as a default

If all partners were considerate and aware of the other women's needs for quiet, privacy etc. it could be ok.

I recently had an antenatal appointment. People were waiting for well over an hour for their appointments. The waiting room was packed with no spare seats. Pregnant women (some of them with huge bumps) were arriving in the waiting room and there were men that obviously had no intention of giving up their seat. There were toddlers taking up seats that could have been sat on their dad's knee. One dad put a show on his iPad for his kid to watch (the family taking up four seats between them) and turned the volume up.

Of course some of the men did vacate their seat to allow others to sit down but on the whole this does not make me think that having the dads on the postnatal ward overnight is a good idea!

I had an Emergency CS on Tuesday and was in till late Thursday and DH stayed with me during the days till around 9pm and then went home and came back around 9-10am. I needed him there with me during the day but I'm glad he went home at night as I needed him to be rested for the both of us. I do agree in some point though as there were some men there that were loud, snoring and I think if it wasn't for them a lot of people would have slept better.

In regards to going home he next day, the midwifes were encouraging people to get mobile within 6 hours of CS so they could go home the next day!

Would be robbed of many hours of it. Very different to being there 24/7 which was the kind of bonding we wanted. Mock away if you want. It's not an "argument" anyway, don't be so sodding combatative, I'm just saying how I feel about it.

Hospital wards are divided into bays and the beds are on wheels. It should be possible to offer a different service in two bays.

My local hospital says that unless there are exceptional circumstances, partners are not allowed to stay overnight.
I have been on other wards where in an exceptional circumstance, a family member has stayed overnight. So that seems fair enough to me.
Also unless it is your first child, how many women are actually able to have their partner or someone else stay 24/7? I know I wouldn't.

My hospital doesn't allow visitors after 10pm on the ward but when I was moved to a private room he was allowed to stay overnight which was a godsend. Our son was born with cleft lip and palate so I was in a few nights whilst we got feeding sorted and I had some postime delivery complications myself, as well as a second degree tear. I think it's fine in private rooms but agree it's not ideal on a ward.

OP Apologies if I've missed it (I have RTFT) but can't see if you have or have not answered PPs Q vis 'have you ever had ELCS previously?'

Could you clarify please, as does have a pretty hefty bearing on the appropriate response (& no, other major abdominal surgery experience does not count in this instance - this instance being one where a whole new tiny human will be dependent on it's parents for each and every need).

Sep, YY to all those who have flagged the paucity of actual MW & HCP on ward and their attitudes timely or otherwise responses to actual needs

Yes it is fine in private rooms. Although my local hospital has no postnatal private rooms.