About partners on the ward after childbirth?

[hullabaloo234]

Booked in for ELCS for breech baby.

Just going through this week's post and find a letter from the hospital about what to do/not do prior to the op, what time to arrive etc.

At the back is a letter for my "support person", with a list of do's and don'ts for their stay on the ward with me after my section.

Sorry, WTF?! I love DP dearly but not a chance do I want him or more importantly a load of other blokes on the ward.

I was already going to discharge myself the following morning but was realistic about staying a bit longer if needed- bollocks to that I am definitely leaving as soon as my catheter is out and I can walk again!

Am I the only person who thinks this is really bloody unreasonable?!

Treaclesoda I think it's disgusting if you aren't allowed to close your curtains and I would certainly query that with the matron/senior sister. I've worked in three hospitals and been a patient in two (north east) and have never heard of that before. I'm sorry if I came across that I was pretending it doesn't happen, because I can honestly say I've never heard of that being an issue and nor should it be. Everyone is entitled to privacy, that's why curtains are provided!

YABVU.

I was so happy to have DH staying on the ward with me, spending the first few hours of our baby's life with us. There were curtains around our area and everyone else's affording plenty of privacy. All the partners were incredibly conscious of the vulnerability and exhaustion of the other women.

I think it's amazing that partners can stay. I don't know anyone who didn't agree when we discussed it before the birth with our friends and family. Several female friends told us how lonely and stranded they'd felt that first night in hospital on their own with a new baby. I'm so grateful my husband was there with me, holding our baby and helping me express.

Exactly my reaction, Richard.

Men who intimidate midwives are exactly whp we don't want on maternity wards.

As for all the "my husband is only interested in me and my baby".

Yes, and that's why he needs to go home at night.

There is not the capacity for hospitals to absorb that number of selfish nom-patients at night.

Question for those fully supportive of partners being allowed one the ward 24 hours a day. Would you accept the same if you were on a different ward?

No, because on another ward you are not supposed to care for a newborn while you heal.

You were lucky not to have an inconsiderate or unpleasant partner of another patient around at night. Plus you are fortunate to be able to sleep around male strangers. Not everyone is the same as you.

When I say YUBU, I mean about not wanting other women to have their partners with them. You are the best judge of what's right for you, of course.

I want to say again how amazing and beautiful it was for us to share the experience of that first night. I would have hated him to miss it and hated not to have shared it with him.

God, this is making me anxious. I'm bipolar with a history of hospitalization and a lot of issues around sleep. I personally love the idea of DP being there so there is someone who knows how odd I get when I'm woken up suddenly and how much nonsense I can talk when disoriented but I can see how unfair it would be. But I suspect other patients and nurses won't want me trying to wander around in a slightly incoherent state babbling to imaginary people.

Once I'm home the deal is DP deals with night feeds etc so I can maintain sleep hygiene but this is going to be a nightmare, isn't it? Must find out what local policy is near me.

"because we are lucky enough to have good health insurance" - probably a glimpse into the UK's future :(

The thing is temporaryname, your assertion that people opposing partners being on wards to provide care is going to lead to babies suffering is just that- an assertion. With fuck all to back it up.

In reality, given the current climate, it's more likely to lead to further cuts in postpartum staff, with women and babies who need support being looked after by partners who are at best well meaning but untrained, and may be of a considerably lower standard even than that. Naturally they'll do a worse job than midwives because, you know, women and babies ill enough to be on the postnatal ward need actual specialist care. So more women and babies will be harmed. And useful idiots like you will have contributed to that state of affairs. You mean well, probably, but actually, you're dangerous.

Now to address some of your other points:

For the few that can't, if they are that bad, then the staff will say something.

Bollocks. There have been oodles of examples on this thread of staff not doing anything of the sort. You clearly know there are staffing shortages. Why do you think they're suddenly going to start doing something if there are more partners there?

You are making out that everyone is unconscious and has a murderous partner.

No I'm not. You've made that up. You, not me, generalised about the state of women on postnatal wards when you suggested postpartum women should be able to control their partners behaviour. This clearly is wrong because some of us are very poorly when we're on the ward, which I presume you now realise and that's why you're trying to backtrack. But even if you weren't, it's still some woman hating shit to hold someone who's just ejected a baby from their body responsible for the behaviour of another adult. The person responsible for a misbehaving husband is the misbehaving husband. Full fucking stop.

And lastly, can the hypocrisy. The time when you got to complain about other posters way of addressing you has been and gone.

All the partners were incredibly conscious of the vulnerability and exhaustion of the other women.

Well, that's nice. Upthread, other women have described partners who swore at the other women on the ward, shouted at babies, complained about women breastfeeding, and had to be dragged out of the (patient) toilet by police after locking himself in there to shoot up heroin.

You know your husband's lovely. To the woman in the next bed - who
might be on her own at night, and sharing the ward with five blokes she doesn't know - he's a stranger.

That was my point about Hyacinth's Hyperbole. There is a difference between pushy twats and threatening loud arseholes. If someone is so bad that they are terrifying people, then sooner or later (admittedly later than it should be), the staff will say something. Pushy twats who are not evil or bad or pervy but just loud or selfish should be told to pipe down by their partners. It's not a case of saying that ALL women on the ward are helpless and have abusive partners outside my naice little bubble. It's a case of someone being able to say, "ssssh!"

It was a poor point, then, because you actually have no idea whether the staff will say something if someone is being terrifying (not to mention that your attempt to try and hook it onto anything I've said is failing). Simply because there are ways of doing that that will not draw much attention. They might well say something eventually if someone is being sufficiently loud, although if you think that's a given you've not read enough of these threads. But that's not actually the same thing.

I'd love to have my DP staying overnight. I have white coat syndrome and horrendous medical/hospital phobia. I don't sleep in hospital, it's as simple as that, and I spend most of it crying and trying to discharge myself. I was terrified in hospital after having DD and could really have done with having my DP there.

But, it wouldn't have been fair on those who are uncomfortable with the idea. We can't afford a private room, but I'm happy to try and cope with the phobia for a couple of nights if it ensures the comfort and safety of women who'd be in danger if partners were allowed to stay overnight. It's all about give and take.

Richard he wasn't, he remained in my private room, like I already explained. And the fact he can advocate for his family is hugely reassuring, as at that point I had bled out several times over and still had two more blood transfusion ontop of the many that went straight through me in theatre.

But like I said in my post I don't think I should have needed him to stay. I would have preferred an adequate service of care and I would not want it ok'd for partners to stay of either sex, I would prefer better care. I literally would have died if my partner hadn't stayed, so I am very greatfull he stood up from us.

The reality is that is pregnancy and delivery a baby iis seen as 'easy work' and NOT an illness.
And yes in a large number of cases it is.
But not when a woman has had abdo surgery (aka CS), not when she has been tearing with a 3rd degree tear, not when she has been in labour and in pain for the last 48hours. Not when the whole experience has been traumatising for the woman.

I wish these women, who need appropriate medial care would receive it as if they had had any other procedure (such as abdominal surely etc etc).
It is not normal to expect them 'to look after themselves' or to 'ave their ppartner helping' because after all its just giving birth.
In no other cases, would you see anything like this happening.
And nor would you see a ward with visitors coming in and out all the time because you would expect the patient to be able to rest.

Its the job of the family/partners to help a patient. Whoever has been in a ward before will know how hard ot is when other people have streams of visitors, they are noisy, children running round etc... Why should women who have just being giving birth feel any different? Few of them will come out of giving birth feeling good and ready to cope wiith noise and movement and people and strangers.
Lets treat them as you would any other patient.

Also I disagree that staff will say something is there is a twat present.
They wont. They will have been abused often enough not to intervene unless its really a huge issue.

Take the example of one of the posters who has had several blood transfusion. In what other cases, other than giving birth, would it be acceptable for the partner to look afer a patient? NONE. Serioulsy, in that case, when you know there is a high risk og haemorrhage, the patient would be pout on top a close watch, someone would come round every hour/every two hours. If they ca do for my dad after his abdo surgery, why cant we do that for women??

He didn't intimidate her, he refused to leave me. She never pushed him either though, she was the one guilty of NEVER answering my buzzer and leaving me bleeding all over the floor and still unable to move and two screaming new borns on my own. I was sent straight for another transfusion, my husband left to care for the babies, then when I hemeraged everywhere from the second time atleast my husband was there to notice and get a doctor so that transfusion came quicker. Never was he intimidating, he is as gentle as they come and as a sex abuse victim I am hugely sensitive to aggressive men, he just refused to leave his wife and new borns alone in a ward with only one midwife and one nurse.

As many people have said its a lack of staff

Also as other people have said some men will absolutely (and some without meaning to) take resources away from other patients

Patients should not have to share their room and spaces with non patients overnight

Patients should not have to sleep in a room full of the opposite sex

And yes good point other patients dont have to look after new born babies, but neither should patients in maternity wards

The argument about women discharging themselves too early works equally as well for both sides. I requested and got early discharge-and that was requested precisely because I needed much more help than was available. I wasn't ready to go but I went anyway.

It's just as likely a woman will discharge herself early because she needs help as because she doesn't want to share a ward with men.

I'm relieved my hospital were so strict about fathers not staying overnight, some of these cases are horrifying.

Of course the answer is that post-natal wards should be adequately staffed, rather than having men stay on the wards overnight. But as usual, it's the needs and privacy and dignity of the most vulnerable women that get trampled all over.

Given that MumsnetHQ are obviously interested in this issue, given that they sent out feelers about a campaign to allow fathers to stay on all postnatal wards, it makes one wonder why they haven't attempted to campaign for adequate post-natal care for women.

I don't think there's anyone who's been on a maternity ward who wouldn't support that campaign.

I also think we have more chance of seeing the current government investing in flying pigs...

Hyacinth. My DD would have gone unchanged, unfed and cried in her cot if DP had not been there. BECAUSE SHE WAS BORN AT 2AM AND I COULD NOT STAND UP OR MOVE VERY FAR TO GET TO HER. Not sure what part of that makes you think there is "fuck all to back it up" my assertion, but I really don't think you're reading the same words as I am typing in your fervent hypothetical frothing, so that might explain it.

Oh well, as long as you and yours are ok, fuck all the other women and babies who'll suffer if people with your views manage to hold sway and staffing is reduced because of it.

If someone had been bad enough to cause a real disturbance on the ward that I was on at 2am, then yes, I think the staff would have done something. You want to claim that is different in all other hospitals, fine, you froth yourself to a little stump again. You're so rude and so wrong that your opinion is worthless.

This is a backtrack too. You've changed what you said to what would have happened in your hospital when you stayed, rather than what would happen per se. Your view about what would have happened when you were there may or may not be correct, but tells us nothing about the situation in the NHS generally and contradicts the experience of others where that didn't happen.

I am not backtracking at all. Perhaps you should read the posts again. My position has always been the same on this: it shouldn't be necessary to have partners on the ward, but I would rather have had mine there for DD. I think my needs are less than hers. I would rather I had to shuffle past strange men, as I did umpteen times a day, than have felt inadequate and terrified because I couldn't stop her crying.

And if that was all you'd said, that would be fine. You'd just be stating your preference. Unfortunately, your position has consisted of rather more than that.

You might claim to be speaking for vulnerable women, but you are as hostile and unpleasant as any of the hypothetical partners you are so worried about!

Well, I suppose someone who's been as obnoxious as you over several hours is an expert on hostile and unpleasant and frothing Still though, that glass house of yours isn't going to stand all those boulders you keep desperately chucking at the walls.

Yes, Hyacinth. I do think my baby is more important than anything and anyone else. That makes me a mother, not a self-important tool on a website. As I said above, on any other ward, I would see it very differently.

Do you have proof that staffing will reduce? Eg, are there fewer staff on wards that allow partners to stay overnight? That might actually justify some of your froth.

I think it is what would happen per se. As evidenced by what I saw on my ward, when one woman was told off for chatting loudly on her phone at 2am. But that is my view. I don't claim to be omniscient.

Lol at the glasshouse. I really do hope you have no exposure to vulnerable people; I shudder to think how you would speak to them. NO, HOW DARE YOU THINK OF YOUR BABY? YOU MUST THINK OF EVERYONE ELSE IN EVERY OTHER HOSPITAL FIRST!