About partners on the ward after childbirth?

[hullabaloo234]

Booked in for ELCS for breech baby.

Just going through this week's post and find a letter from the hospital about what to do/not do prior to the op, what time to arrive etc.

At the back is a letter for my "support person", with a list of do's and don'ts for their stay on the ward with me after my section.

Sorry, WTF?! I love DP dearly but not a chance do I want him or more importantly a load of other blokes on the ward.

I was already going to discharge myself the following morning but was realistic about staying a bit longer if needed- bollocks to that I am definitely leaving as soon as my catheter is out and I can walk again!

Am I the only person who thinks this is really bloody unreasonable?!

Scars always itch.

Lots of competitiveness on this thread - "I had a C section and was fine in 5 mins".

Cos it's like that for every woman, right?

Cherry but my issue was nothing to do with poor care. The care I received was fine. It was my mental health that filigreed as a result of a forceful separation at my most vulnerable time. I wasn't allowed a private room as too poorly, and besides which my hospital didn't allow partners in private rooms either. And I think it's wrong to say only women who can afford a private room can have the emotional support they need. Just like it would be wrong to say if you want privacy then pay for it.

I'd propose wards that are staffed adequately by competent staff. It's because we don't have that that partners are being allowed to spend the night.

Exactly

It was a terrible ward. It was one where you had to leave your baby to go and get breakfast in the breakfast room and you weren't allowed to take it to your bed. I really didn't want to leave DS2 but I was also starving as I'd not eaten for well over 16 hours by then.

"My" cocodamol had another patient's name scribbled out and just my first name written on, which is a very common 70's name. It made get another prescription from my GP difficult. DH was told to take the box in and they'd do me a prescription without needing me to go in, but when they saw the box they initially said they couldn't.

After DS3 and DS4 I got discharged with Oramorph. Or "the good shit" as I kept telling DH.

No YANBU

It is absolutely awful that women's feelings of safety and dignity are being thrown under the bus because the NHS is being starved of the funds it needs to ensure new mothers are properly looked after without the need to have people from a privileged class who are used to having women defer to them, throwing their weight around on wards. And yes, I'm aware that most men do not and would not do this, but you only need one to ensure that every mother on that ward is kept in a state of extra anxiety that shouldn't be placed on her.

It's horrible what's happening to women.

Dozer not a competition just experiences I don't think any women should be made too stay in hospital and be made feel uncomfortable when she doesn't need to be.

I think withholding pain relief is shitty behaviour. I had a very good reason for wanting out so quick.

No one should be made to be in hospital, of course, if well enough to leave: there should be choices.

I had problems with pain relief too, ward rounds running late etc.

I don't think some women's wish to be with a partner 24/7 for mental health reasons outweigh others' need for privacy, and care for those with mental health issues - or other vulnerabilities - should be good too.

When I said I really didn't feel well after the EMCS with DS2, I was told about women who were labouring in the corridors and how they'd had one woman deliver on the antenatal ward and they couldn't have me blocking a bed as I was perfectly well. So I shuffled out suitably chastised. The MW who visited me at home mimicked me when I tried to talk crying whilst lying in my bed.

With 3 and 4 I was chomping at the bit to get out, but I was put under a lot of pressure to go to the community hospital for the postnatal MW stuff, as they didn't have the resources for home visits. As I couldn't drive, (VB repair and a c-section) it meant DH taking me, and with 2/3 other children (1 with ASD) it was difficult.

There just isn't the resources for private rooms etc. I can see both sides tbh.

My son died and I was put on a bay with four other women with their baby's hence the early discharge. Obviously not the hospitals fault if there is no private rooms they can't magic one up.

No I don't want anyone to be subjected to that. But I feel like I'm collateral damage of the policy that doesn't allow partners to stay. What do you propose for those women?

Private room at your own expense.

I absolutely see both sides. I don't think women who want privacy should be forced into a ward with partners staying. But other women have equally valid reasons for wanting partners there for support, and I don't think they should have to suck it up either. I think both should be accommodated where possible. There seems to be a lot of dismissal of other women's concerns here just because they don't match with personal concerns.

I was only in for one night but I didn't mind one bit my dh going home for the night. I loved it being just me and ds.

Coldilox I completely agree. And it's the sneering tone and mocking attitudes I find hardest to swallow.

No, some women's preference for a partner's 24 hour presence doesn't outweigh others' right to privacy.

Privacy at night - women and babies staying and staff only - is vital.

Clearly not vital for everyone Dozer. For some women the presence of a partner at such a vulnerable time s vital. I don't understand why the needs of some women are being so flippantly dismissed.

I don't understand the difference between partners being there in the day and not at night. Breastfeeding will happen all hours as would getting up with "blood stained" clothes etc. Makes no difference when it happens.

My hospital allowed partners although mine didn't stay. There weren't any real issues and I kept my curtains shut all the time.

At our hospital partners can stay but they are only provided an arm chair.... so very few did! My oh gave up at 2am and went home.
I had an EMCS and was told I could pick baby up so that wasn't an issue. The issue I had was at night baby would not sleep..... at all! Two nights the midwives had to take her for a few hours so I could sleep.
The toilets on the ward were only for patient use.... all visitors had to go down stairs to use the public loos.
I would advise you take all the pain killers that are offered and try and get up as soon as you can.

women who have just given birth need safe, private spaces: men who are not health professionals being present overnight is inconsistent with this, and the wishes of some women to have a partner there, while understandable, shouldn't override this.

Plus, the main reason partners can stay in some postnatal wards is that staffing levels are inadequate.

Partners are very, very rarely allowed to stay on any other hospital ward.

And mixed sex wards are being phased out.

I think YABU if i hadnt had my partner with me on the recovery ward i genuinely do not know how i would have coped. It was so busy and there werent enough staff at all. I was also very mentally unwell and he kept me calm. I dont see the difference between allowing partners in the day and at night. Women are in all states day and night on these wards, its no worse at night. Obv you could never ban partners all the time on the wards that would be ridiculous, so i think theres not really much ground for banning them at any time. Of course they should be asked to leave by staff if they are being loud during the night or in any other way affecting the other women. But i think if they are just sat there or helping their partner it makes no difference if its day or night.

If you feel that strongly about it have you considered paying for a private room?

Because postnatal wards aren't there to facilitate bonding between a father and child, they're there to care for the two + patients - mother and baby/babies. Having any man there is imposing on other people as many have pointed out.

I quite agree. They are there primarily for the medical care of their patients. But; I do feel as women we hold the monopoly on the whole childbirth thing. If a dad, or same sex partner, is wanted there by the mum, then provided they do not impose themselves I don't see the problem.

Perhaps maternity wards need to be able to be stronger about removing disruptive visitors. With dd1 I would have loved the person who kept yakking loudly on their mobile phone to have had it shoved down their throat. But given it was 2am and she was the mother of the infant by her side, I doubt that was going to happen. Is that really, honestly, any different to a.n other person being present during the day?

We've conditioned ourselves to be so afraid that every man we do not know is there to offend us, that we risk alienating the very men who are our husbands, fathers to our children. How are we going to feel when our sons become fathers but are removed from those special moments. Are we honestly going to go back to the maternity wards of the past where men waited outside to hear news delivered by the matron? Where the babies were put in nurseries and women stayed in hospital to recuperate for days at a time?

Obviously some people have had some terrible experiences that I can't comment on here. But the idea of me spending those 4-5 days I spent in hospital without my partner there every night ... it's actually making me quite sad thinking about it.
I was the one who was pregnant and I was the one who gave birth but the second that baby came out he was a joint responsibility. We did every nappy together at the start, it was my partner who helped me syringe colostrum out and supported me through early breastfeeds... it was my partner that really spoke to the midwives and doctors about my care (lost a bit too much blood to really be able to take in what they were saying or remember it after). The idea of him just being there as a visitor and the baby being solely my responsibility at other times makes me shudder and makes me think about my grandparents - when my grandmother gave birth alone and my grandfather travelled in to "visit" her and the baby.
I'm so so grateful that my hospital lets men stay the night (it hasn't crossed my mind that they wouldn't). If they were to change their policy I don't know what I'd do next time.. maybe hope for a home birth.

In an ideal world there should either be a ward just for women, and a ward where partners are allowed or all women would get private rooms.

Dozer, I didn't need a safe private space. I needed my partner (who incidentally is both a woman and a medical professional). Different women need different things.