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AIBU?

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Original poster

About partners on the ward after childbirth?

1000 replies

hullabaloo234 · 27/11/2016 10:46

Booked in for ELCS for breech baby.

Just going through this week's post and find a letter from the hospital about what to do/not do prior to the op, what time to arrive etc.

At the back is a letter for my "support person", with a list of do's and don'ts for their stay on the ward with me after my section.

Sorry, WTF?! I love DP dearly but not a chance do I want him or more importantly a load of other blokes on the ward.

I was already going to discharge myself the following morning but was realistic about staying a bit longer if needed- bollocks to that I am definitely leaving as soon as my catheter is out and I can walk again!

Am I the only person who thinks this is really bloody unreasonable?!

OP posts:
CherryChasingDotMuncher · 27/11/2016 19:19

Cherry but my issue was nothing to do with poor care. The care I received was fine. It was my mental health that filigreed as a result of a forceful separation at my most vulnerable time.

If you feel like you have anxiety or MH issues that will affect your experience you should always discuss antenatally with your MW no matter what your Trust policy is, so you can best prepare and find a suitable option.

Having your DH on the same ward as me 24/7 is a situation that I would be forced in to and could not prepare for, and would certainly adversely affect my MH. I would discharge myself against medical advice because I feel my MH is more valuable and I couldn't stand a night of being terrified and upset, it would be a long night of no sleeping.

I will never be convinced that allowing men to stay over night is the solution to everyone's problem

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 27/11/2016 19:20

Sorry missed that your OH is female, apologies. I still wouldn't like it but would much prefer it to a male on the ward if I'm being honest!

Dozer · 27/11/2016 19:23

I would have liked my partner there too, but that doesn't outweigh other new mothers' needs. In the absence of choice, the default should be hospital health professionals only overnight: the main reason it's not in some places is the inadequacy of staffing.

Dozer · 27/11/2016 19:24

Women partners present a far far lower statistical risk than men of disruption or harm to others on the ward.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 27/11/2016 19:30

I don't understand the difference between partners being there in the day and not at night.

There has to be some respite from visitors, it makes sense at night because people are more likely to be trying to rest, plus staffing levels are often lower at night. Not to mention mums are probably more easily aggravated and could do without other people's visitors on an evening.

Plus it's easier to visit during e day than it is at night. Really it's not rocket science to figure out why night is better 🙄

SpeakNoWords · 27/11/2016 19:32

passingthrough, my DP was restricted to visitors hours, but for partners this was 10am till 10pm. It's a long time, and overnight you'll be asleep at least for some of it. I don't think that it's unreasonable for there to be a period of time without visitors.

Scrumptiousbears · 27/11/2016 19:36

Cherry You miss my point. Some of the reasons people are giving for partners not to be there overnight will also happen during the day.

There is also no need to roll your eyes at me just because I do not agree with you.

twinmamma2b · 27/11/2016 19:42

Perhaps naively, I didn't realise that partners staying on a post-natal ward was a 'thing'. I assumed it would be as per all other wards where visiting times are in place and then night-times are for rest. I'm really hoping that it's not the case in the hospital I'm due to deliver in. After reading some of the awful stories of the behaviour of some partners staying overnight, I feel that even if I feel physically fine to be alone overnight, I will make DH stay with me at all times for my own safety and peace of mind.

Canters15 · 27/11/2016 19:44

Haven't read the full thread. Had DS by ELCS two weeks ago. Was surprised to be told husband was allowed to stay, but he very happily did. Thank god- I knew the baby would feed a lot before my milk came in but hadn't quite realised he would be sucking on my boobs all night and screaming every time he came off. My husband kept me calm and sane and is probably why I'm breastfeeding now- had I been on my own I would have sobbed and probably ended up giving formula.

We were in a four bedded bay and all the women kept their curtains round anyway- I would have done regardless as was basically sat naked from the waist up, and expect other ladies were the same, so don't think my husband's presence changed that. We would have gladly paid for a private room but the hospital didn't have that option.

CharlieSierra · 27/11/2016 19:47

I can't believe the number of women here who seemingly cannot understand why others wouldn't want strange men around 24/7, it's made me feel quite angry and brought back some really horrible memories for me. I've had 3 babies by CS, a long time ago now when you tended to stay in hospital for several days at least. At that time we had just moved from strict visiting times only to husbands allowed all day, it was horrible, absolutely horrible, someone else's husband sitting at the bottom of my bed staring at me all fucking day when I was in that state. My husband was at work, saving his time off for when I got home, not sitting about all day doing sweet FA and staring at vulnerable women. If I'd had no respite from it at night I would have had to discharge myself. Dignity and privacy. I'm appalled by the stories of some of the behaviour, but not surprised.

passingthrough1 · 27/11/2016 19:49

12 hours is a long time not to be able to see your partner. To lie there potentially scared, in pain, confused, worried as to how to feed the baby...
Actually my baby was never with me on the ward, he was in NICU. The first night when I had lost too much blood to even sit up in bed. It was my partner that went down with the baby to intensive care and who I woke up to at midnight telling me why the baby wasn't next to me as he'd been left. Thank God he never left my side and I could actually sleep knowing he was there and I wasn't alone at least. I think if a midwife had been the one to tell me that in the middle of night and my partner was sent home not knowing what was happening to either of us it would have been so much worse.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 27/11/2016 19:49

We've conditioned ourselves to be so afraid that every man we do not know is there to offend us, that we risk alienating the very men who are our husbands, fathers to our children

again, this is total gaslighting. Women haven't "conditioned themselves" to be afraid of men because they're being OTT or irrational, it's because men systemically abuse and attack women, it's nothing short of an epidemic, and our fear is completely justified. MEN have conditioned us to feel this way.

Also husbands and fathers are abusive too. Successfully impregnating someone does not make a person virtuous, and the "it could be your son one day" is a ridiculous argument.

HyacinthFuckit · 27/11/2016 19:50

But; I do feel as women we hold the monopoly on the whole childbirth thing. If a dad, or same sex partner, is wanted there by the mum, then provided they do not impose themselves I don't see the problem.

There isn't a way for them to not impose themselves on some women, because there are some women for whom their very presence is a problem. Not really any way round that. Even more private rooms isn't it, since there are apparently some women who need to be on a ward for whatever clinical reason. And at some point you're going to get one of these women who wants her partner there in at the same time as a woman who will be imposed on if that's allowed.

Mammylamb · 27/11/2016 19:54

Yanbu. After a c section other men in the room would have sent me through the roof. The lassie in the next bed was annoying enough for me

SpeakNoWords · 27/11/2016 19:54

My babies were both in SCBU, where parents are allowed 24hrs for obvious reasons, although clearly there's nowhere to sleep. With DS1 I was too unwell to see him for the first day and a half, so DP was with him in SCBU. I think midwives would always make an exception for unwell mothers with babies in SCBU/NICU for their partners to stay longer if delivery was outside visiting hours. That is not an argument for allowing all partners to stay 24hrs as a general rule.

randomsabreuse · 27/11/2016 20:02

The biggest disruption on post natal wards is the babies themselves, who are all at a different stage to each other. So some are in the just been born quiet stage, some are in the I must feed stage, some are in the constant pooing stage. So the 4 bed bays are hardly going to be a restful environment.

Quite often you have one baby who's just finished 2 hourly obs and then another one arrives with more obs. There were only 2 of us on my post natal ward and we and our babies were keeping each other awake - she had some feeding issues, mine was just demanding to be fed or held all night!

notinagreatplace · 27/11/2016 20:02

I gave birth recently and, thankfully, was allowed to stay in a private room for the three days we were in - I would have been pretty miserable without that and my DH there. I had an episiotomy, lost a lot of blood and my DS had to be syringe fed with expressed colostrum. It wasn't easy as it was.

It's great that some women are happy to be on their own and/or prefer being around other women but I really wanted the support of my DH. I didn't want midwives to be doing all of the looking after me, I wanted the emotional and practical support of my husband. I don't think that's so strange and I feel like some of the responses in this thread are basically shaming women for wanting the support of their male partners.

Honestly, I think the answer here is private rooms or - at the very least - much smaller wards. I was petrified of the post-natal ward and am so grateful that I didn't have to go there. For me, the lack of privacy would have been horrible and I would have hated having the other women and babies around just as much as their partners/other visitors. Childbirth is a time where women are very vulnerable and I don't think it's too much to ask for us to fund a bit of privacy and dignity for women and to allow them to choose the type of support they want.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 27/11/2016 20:02

Cherry You miss my point. Some of the reasons people are giving for partners not to be there overnight will also happen during the day.

I understand but my point was respite is needed, surely night time respite is better than day? I rolled my eyes because I don't think it's hard to figure out why this is a better option

passingcloud · 27/11/2016 20:05

I had no idea that there are places that turf partners out! I had a horrible traumatic birth in July - would have loved (and happily paid for) a private room but none available. Was in hospital for a week and wouldn't have coped without my husband staying with me. Yes there's the indignity of shuffling round leaking in front of strangers, but frankly that's just as awful at 2pm as it is at 2am. And saying there should be better care or more staffing on the wards...well, yes there should, but there isn't. The early hours and days can be a car crash and forcing women to go through that alone would just add to the misery of the whole thing.

Bubbinsmakesthree · 27/11/2016 20:06

I think one of the problems is that overnight support on the wards can be pretty dire, but a new baby's needs are no less in the middle of the night.

I was attempting to BF and also syringe-feeding DS due to complete refusal to latch, which was very challenging. I had quite a bit of support from HCPs during the day but it completely dried up at night.

I remember a couple of very long lonely nights when I was completely desperate, felt I was failing my baby and physically was struggling with getting up on my own to fetch formula etc. I would have given anything to have DH with me those nights. But I appreciate other women wouldn't have felt the same way - either wards need more privacy to allow partners to stay over, or more HCP support is needed at night.

witsender · 27/11/2016 20:06

It isn't a hotel. The mother is a patient, just like any other ward. When visiting hours are over, visitors go. We are allowed some times and spaces where women are the priority. That said, if men could have babies the provision would be vastly better...

passingcloud · 27/11/2016 20:08

Yes but men aren't just 'visitors'. They can be the vital support. For me, having my partner there WAS making me the priority.

witsender · 27/11/2016 20:10

Then a private room should be available, and support should be there in the form of enough, caring midwives etc for those on wards.

passingcloud · 27/11/2016 20:10

And totally true - night time support can be dire to non existent, at a time when you're dealing with reduced mobility, incontinence etc as well as the needs of a newborn. I simply couldn't have dealt with both my needs and the needs of the baby without help - and often the only help available was my husband.

Jojobythesea · 27/11/2016 20:10

I went home the day after with both of mine. One was emergency C the other planned. As long as you are feeding the baby fine and are weeing ok they should let you go home id have thought. X

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