About partners on the ward after childbirth?

[hullabaloo234]

Booked in for ELCS for breech baby.

Just going through this week's post and find a letter from the hospital about what to do/not do prior to the op, what time to arrive etc.

At the back is a letter for my "support person", with a list of do's and don'ts for their stay on the ward with me after my section.

Sorry, WTF?! I love DP dearly but not a chance do I want him or more importantly a load of other blokes on the ward.

I was already going to discharge myself the following morning but was realistic about staying a bit longer if needed- bollocks to that I am definitely leaving as soon as my catheter is out and I can walk again!

Am I the only person who thinks this is really bloody unreasonable?!

Also a PP made a very good point - we should always in healthcare cater for the most vulnerable person. In a postnatal Ward that will be a DV or rape victim or similar or someone who needs privacy from men for religious reasons. The PP who said her friend was a DV victim and wanted to tell a HCP in a bid to escape him but couldn't because he never left her side - that's the saddest thing I've read on MN this week but no, fuck the vulnerable women, others need someone to pass the nipple cream

The snoring argument is a red herring though, women snore too

Is it shite, women have to be there, they're a patient, and more people increases the pose and chance of snoring.

But as it is, if you're there on your own, you sit there thirsty, uncomfortable, with a full catheter bag and a screaming baby!

The answer is not to deprive women of their safe space on hospital though. And not every partner is the considerate drink fetching type - and should never be used to plug a gap in care outside of visiting hours

I agree that the answer is to improve maternity care. The first night I was in hospital after a c section I could desperately have done with dh there. I still had a catheter and couldn't physically get out of bed to ds when he cried. When I buzzed it took ages for someone to come whilst ds screamed his head off and they acted irritated with me when they did. I was eventually told that if ds was going to be "like that" he would have to come in bed with me. A hospital bed is not exactly conducive to co sleeping so I sat up and held him for the rest of the night and had no sleep at all till dh got back at 8am, so over 24 hours with no sleep at all. That shouldn't happen, there should be enough staff to help women who need it and the attitude of they're only there for the baby not the mother needs to change too. If this improved the vast majority of people would be happy to send dps home.

My husband is a nurse, with full dbs clearance, I would have loved him to stay, he would have probably busied himself handing drinks etc to women who were being ignored by the overstretched staff! BUT not all men are like my husband. I was perfectly willing to send my dh home with other dads so I could feel safe that no drunks, drug users, sex offenders ( at least no male ones) were hanging around whilst I tried to sleep.

YANBU. I think if there were private rooms, men should be allowed to stay but not on an open ward. I've read some really awful stories on here about women who were bullied by other people's partners whilst on the postnatal ward, particularly a lady who was called disgusting for leaving a blood clot in the loo for the HCP to see. I don't have children and not sure if I can due to PCOS, but if I do and I am not able to be on the MLU, then I will probably leave as soon as I could.

I agree in principle that it's not great having strange men in a ward if you're uncomfortable with it but I was so glad DH was allowed to stay 24/7 after my section. The staff were rushed off their feet and I didn't even get any pain relief for over 12 hrs let alone help. It's not just major surgery you also have a baby to look after and it's not always easy to move to get them so DH help is invaluable

So how about women who have had uncomplicated deliveries and so are perfectly capable of taking care of their babies? They may still feel they'd like their partners to stay over for emotional support and bonding?
In that case I don't agree that it's not comparable to others having surgery.
Personally I found having a double mastectomy far more emotional than having any of my four children and it definitely would have helped to have dh with me 24hrs.

I don't have children nor am I pregnant so I can't comment on delivery/postnatal wards but when my partner was having chemo his hospital allowed partners/parents to stay over if they were in a room of their own. They had a chair bed in the corner for them.

sorry went out for a few hours and come back to a million responses!

No more sections, but 3 children and had other surgery where being unable to move was a big problem. I don't get this whole tiny human to take care of thing- it's hardly hard work looking after a newborn! they eat, they sleep, I will have everything I need to hand. it's one night. Why do people insist it's so difficult?!

I think if people want someone to stay they should pay for a private room. Postnatal wards are busy and noisy enough without loads of additional people on it.

And no, it wouldn't make to me if the partner was female, I just don't want loads of people about when I've just had surgery

Clearly lots of people are happy to have this, and I'll have to put up with it, but I will be sending DP home to be with the other two and I'll join them the following morning, be that through being discharged or discharging myself AMA as I did with DD1.

Thanks for the views and opinions Glad to see I'm not the only person who thinks it's not OK though.

Quiet 'rest' periods at night aren't restfull for mum though - all it means is she has tiki do it herself, hence less rest, not more. Yes, it may be manageable, but it's not ideal.

I'm hoping to pay for a private room for my elective c-section, as it's the only way he can stay. I'll be recovering from major surgery, he won't be, it makes sense for him to do as much care as possible in the early days.

I can only assume that the "it's fantastic!" and "the dad only want to suooort their wives and newborn babies" were lucky enough not to witness abuse, rape, drug use and leering on the post-natal ward. I'm sure they'd feel exactly the same way if they came around from having, say a hysterectomy, to find that the person in the bed next to them was Mr Jones who broke his hip but can't be discharged because there are no care home beds and oh did I mention, he's a leery, creepy bugger?! Also, I'm sure you'd not feel uncomfortable at all with your fellow ward mate's husband if you'd had a c-section, couldn't move but we're a single mum so didn't have your darling husband.

The problem is this:

If partners are allowed to stay to "fill the gap" then hospitals will not get the funding or the extra staff they actually need.

This is a staffing problem. I really, really disagree with partners staying overnight on wards. On no other ward would this be acceptable.

Private rooms- do what you like but it's absolutely unfair that women recovering from childbirth have to sleep in a room that could contain up to five men who are unknown to them.

I would have been embarrassed to discuss bleeding, bowel movements and blood clots with a strange man the other side of a curtain.

Men would never put up with this. Why the hell should women have to?

The NHS needs more auxillaries- cheaper than nurses but an extra pair of hands round the clock.

what you may find this abdominal surgery is different. A section cuts through layers of muscle and tissue through to your uterus and then slices that open too!

Even if you find caring for a newborn easy, you may be surprised at how hard it is after a section.

The body takes 3 months to heal, a further 3 months to recover and a total of 12 months to repair!

I'll be fine, especially as I'm back at work in January so DP will be doing all the heavy lifting of the toddler and baby not me!

Eeeek! January? Why so soon?

Honestly what you need longer than 4 weeks! Recovery from a section is widely accepted to be at least 6 weeks!

When I was trying to BF my PFB I didn't want anyone looking at my boobs except the baby. I was extremely self-conscious about doing things wrong and extremely tired. It was bad enough listening to other mums and their babies (I realise babies cry and mine certainly did but some peace and quiet would have been just lovely!) without extra people in the room.
Space was also very limited and I just can't imagine that other hospitals have extra room for visitors to sleep in a shared ward. There was one toilet and one shower for four beds and no visitor facilities on the ward at all. The visitor toilets were in the corridor outside.

I stayed overnight with DD after she had my DGD. DD had an ECS (undiagnosed breech - "I can feel the baby's soft little nose " said the MW during a VE. Only it wasn't her nose ).

The MWs on the postnatal ward appeared to have disconnected the bell. Other women on the ward kept ringing it. There was little/no response.

I haven't heard of a maternity ward that doesn't have a standard 12 hour visiting time for the new dads so YABU.

After the birth of our twins, I was grateful when dh managed to stay the longer period so I could get sleep etc and recover from a vaginal and emcs birth. But we did draw the curtains to keep both ours and others privacy.

He wasn't always able to do this though because of our two older dc.

It is always going to be a contentious subject I think. But since it takes a man to make a baby, well, I don't see any reason why he can't be there during the day as long as he's not imposing on other people and their preferences. Stay in the bed bay of the mum, use the off ward toilets as on ward are for mums. Don't hog room via the curtain. And don't monopolise the tv etc.

There is a time after lunch when even dad's were sent off ward for a couple of hours or so at our hospital. The staff were quite clear that mum did need time and space to recover. I guess it also allowed time if some women were in claustrophobic/controlling relationships and needed the space to talk.

I do not think that men should be allowed on postnatal wards overnight though. That is a step too far.

No more sections, but 3 children and had other surgery where being unable to move was a big problem. I don't get this whole tiny human to take care of thing- it's hardly hard work looking after a newborn! they eat, they sleep, I will have everything I need to hand. it's one night. Why do people insist it's so difficult?!

Come on OP. I am not in favour of partners' being on wards, but I hope you are just being deliberately obtuse with the "it's not so difficult" shtick. It can be hard work to look after a newborn when you have had a difficult delivery, have limited mobility and may generally feel a bit overwhelmed. It may only be for "one night", but your capacity to cope can be severely hampered by a long labour, no sleep and pain. Not all newborns feed well, some are unsettled, some need to be woken to feed. Add in staff not responding to requests for help and/or chastising the patient, it's little wonder that some women want their partners there. I will always be on the side that it is a bad move for partners' to be on the ward overnight, but I don't think telling women "it's hardly work" is any better than "I need my partner there so you deal with it."

I recovered quickly from my 2 sections (more so than my 3rd degree tear).

My (female) partner being made to leave was massively traumatic for me. I suffer anxiety anyway and after a very traumatic birth (emcs due to eclampsia) I just needed her with me. She was allowed to stay on the first night as I was kept on the delivery ward due to needing 1-1 care, but the rest of the time I was in she had to leave at night. I wasn't allowed a private room as I was too ill. We both hated her having to leave me and the baby. After she left I just sobbed and sobbed, and everything felt wrong. It was one of the root causes of my severe PND which I am still being treated for nearly 2 and a half years later. I've done a lot of reading around PND and being separated from your main source of support at such a vulnerable time is both unnatural and damaging. Not to mention the separation of the other parent from the newborn.

I get that some people are uncomfortable with it but I strongly believe that those who want their partners should be allowed, however that is facilitated. It would have made such a huge difference to me.

In my case it wasn't a staffing problem. It was a "really can't be fucked to do any work" from the night staff. No they were not going to help me feed (Dd wouldn't latch, her sugar levels were very low), no they were not going to help me change my bed sheets not even bring me some fresh ones. They were on the other hand super helpful to a mother who "needed" to go and have a fag.

Like someone said, the whole attitude to maternity care needs to change. Where I was - at king's college hospital, London - it's about having better trained staff and sacking the brainless bullies. But, oh no, the jobs are now done by partners...

Sorry but maybe I've just been lucky then but all of mine have been relatively sleepy their first 24 hours or so, feeding every couple of hours. really not taxing at all?! I'll be home with lots of help the following day so really don't think one night on my own will kill me.

There have been numerous posts on previous threads of men demanding blowjobs from their partners who have just given birth, being rude, shouting and swearing at women on the ward, using their facilities. And these are not rare, nor are they the worst I've read.

How can anyone defend other women being subject to this? Having to have open curtains, trying to establish breastfeeding, intimate examinations etc in front of other men?

No way would other vulnerable patients be subject to this.

I understand how daunting and scary it can be for some women to be on their own, but if they do not have faith in the hospital facilities and need someone to help them, it should be for them to pay for this.

I agree that if you feel that you want someone to stay with you 24/7 then you need to pay for a private room. The NHS does not have the resources for all birth partners to stay (regardless of gender) and to maintain dignity of other people ok the ward.

I also really hope that the people on this thread who talk about going 12h+ without pain relief complained.

I think this thread is a wind up now!

What keeps saying looking after a newborn isn't hard work/isn't taxing/why do people insist it's so difficult?

There are LOTS of women who find the first 24 hours after giving birth REALLY difficult and for some quite overwhelming and frightening, especially first time mums!