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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I should go back to work even though DH doesn't want me to?

70 replies

suedechocolate · 26/11/2016 19:43

I got pregnant (by mistake) summer 2015, our daughter was born in April. DH was so happy, but I found being at home with a baby all day every day really really hard.

I am due to go back to work just before Christmas, and DH is putting pressure on me not to. He thinks it's too much work to have young baby and full time work and he says at the least I should ask for part time.

He makes me feel I am being selfish, am I?

OP posts:
happypoobum · 26/11/2016 19:46

Perhaps he would like to be a SAHD or he could go part time? See how he likes those options?

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 26/11/2016 19:47

Gosh no, not selfish at all! Staying home with kids is not everyone's cup of tea!

I drop DD1 (9) AND DD2 (16 months) at the CM at 7, collect them at 4 30 Monday to Friday, we get home at 5 and have plenty of time for dinner bath and play before bed.

about to have DC3, DP is taking 7 months leave and then they will join the other two.

Do whatever makes you happy Smile

Dozer · 26/11/2016 19:49

Him pressuring you is even more reason to go back. "At the very least" he might want to think about HIS work arrangements.

Scooby20 · 26/11/2016 19:49

He can go part time. What's his concern? Childcare, him having to do more around the house or genuinely concerned yiu will find it to much?

Mellowmarsh · 26/11/2016 19:50

It is perfectly valid for him to think a baby needs more time with a parent, but he should be willing to step into this role if he believes this is important.

Original poster
suedechocolate · 26/11/2016 19:50

He thinks I'll find it too much. He can't go part time because he earns a lot more than me, if he was part time and I was full time we wouldn't really be able to pay the mortgage. We have no family who can help.

OP posts:
Mellowmarsh · 26/11/2016 19:51

PS there are plenty of stay at home/ part time dads where I live. It is not so unusual anymore.

Believeitornot · 26/11/2016 19:52

You should ask for part time - why wouldn't you if you can afford it? It can be tough going back.
I would go back and try it. Easier to do it that way than give up now and try and get back to work years down the line.

Pollyanna9 · 26/11/2016 19:53

Isn't it interesting how so many guys (whether they be partners or husbands) always 'revert to type' ie 1950s man, when these sorts of scenarios come up!!

I think they just need a good shake about their sexist stereotypical assumptions that they have made that they shouldn't be making.

mamma12 · 26/11/2016 19:54

If you want to go back to work you should definitely do so without anyone making you feel selfish! It's so hard for women, men have no idea. I gave up a lucrative career as a lawyer to stay at home which is quite ridiculous really because my husband is in a much lower paid job. It annoys me that society just assumes it's the mum's job to stay at home esp in 2016. I took two years out and it was the most rewarding but also the most depressing and lonely time (I'd that makes sense). I was lucky because my favourite cousin has a baby at the same time and we saved each other's sanity. A lot of men have no idea what it's like to feel torn like you do right now What ever you decide to do be lead on what YOU want to do for yourself because your happiness is really important for you and baby. Good luck and lots of female solidarity to you xxx

Scrumptiousbears · 26/11/2016 19:54

I went back to work when my first was 5.5 months. I loved my job and I missed it. Being a SAHM was not for me and it didn't mean I didn't love my DD. I had my second in April too. I decided to have a year off this time as I had two. I'm now struggling. I miss work, miss independence and miss my own money.

Personally I'd do what you are happy with. It's best your DC has a happy mum.

expatinscotland · 26/11/2016 19:57

I'd go back FT. YOU decide if you find it too much.

Original poster
suedechocolate · 26/11/2016 19:57

I feel like if I'm part time I'll miss out on quite important stuff. And also I feel that those days at home with the baby are so long and sad and tired somehow. I get really low. I've been really sad these past few months. I don't like baby groups and I feel by two o clock like I've been up and about since the dawn of time. I'm hoping nursery might tire the baby out a bit and give me some structure?

OP posts:
JenniferYellowHat1980 · 26/11/2016 19:58

But it wouldn't make sense for the highest earner to give up work or go part time. How is that reverting to type? OP's DH is entitled to have a view on what's in his child's best interests, just as she is. OP doesn't have to agree to it of course but you can't say it isn't logical for her as the lower earner to be the one to stay FT if they decide that having a parent at home part of the time is what they want. Unless of course OP's long term prospects are as good as her DH's.

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 26/11/2016 19:59

Is logical.

Original poster
suedechocolate · 26/11/2016 20:00

That's what DH says, Jennifer, that I am just thinking what's best for me and not DD.

OP posts:
idontlikealdi · 26/11/2016 20:04

I know how you feel OP - I couldn't wait to get back to work when DTs turned one but I only went back three days a week. As they got older I wished I had been at home with them instead, they are so much more fun and interesting as they get a bit older and you leave the relentless boredom (imo) of the baby stage.

Is part time an option or is it FT or nothing?

Atenco · 26/11/2016 20:09

Well what is best for you is often what is best for your child too. My dm was a SAHM in the fifties before I came along and my sister has horrible memories of coming back to a depressed mother. By the time I came along, my mum had a job and though I would have loved to come home to a house with my mother there, I have very good memories of a happy loving mother.

Sunshine59 · 26/11/2016 20:10

I was the same when my first DS was born, the mornings were not to bad, but the afternoons dragged on and on. I went back to work 3 days a week which looking back was a really good thing, as I then had 2 days with DS and actually enjoyed the time I had with him a whole lot more

Trifleorbust · 26/11/2016 20:13

He is entitled to a view but you get the final say. If you want to go back to work FT, do so. You shouldn't be sitting there at home unhappy.

Stillunexpected · 26/11/2016 20:21

Do you actually enjoy your work though? From what you say on here, it sounds as if you might be going back just to avoid being home with the baby. You sound quite low, possibly depressed, and if you are looking to work as an escape you may find that your husband is right and you will find it all "too much" - not necessarily because of working FT though.

Halloweensnake · 26/11/2016 20:24

I was you 18 yrs ago....I became a SAHM..ALTHOUGH at the time I earned more than him,I was in a managers position..I was his manager..somehow..somehow I ended up at home full time..Do WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY xx

RandomMess · 26/11/2016 20:26

It isn't his unilateral decision as to what is best though, you have tried being at home and you're unhappy. Perhaps he is worried that he'll have to start doing 50% of the childcare and housework and that is his main concern? He will have to step up and have less leisure time once you return to work.

NotAnotherUserName1234 · 26/11/2016 20:28

You are not being selfish and you will cope fine - in my profession part-time work does not exist and i it would be very bad for my mental health for to be a full time stay at home mum so i use nursery, after-school care and holiday clubs as I also have no family support.

Plus - with 50% of marriages ending up in divorce its important to know that if you had to support your children alone financially you could.

Whatsername17 · 26/11/2016 20:35

Going back to work saved my sanity. I went back 4 days then increased it back to full time quite quickly. My dd went to nursery and lived it. All of a sudden our days together were wonderful and I appreciated them so much more. I'm lucky though, I'm a teacher so I get 13 weeks holiday and dh and I alternated leaving work at 4pm to ensure we get time with dd I the eve inns before bed. Then we get our planning a d marking out! Your dh shouldn't get to dictate your choice here.