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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think I should go back to work even though DH doesn't want me to?

70 replies

suedechocolate · 26/11/2016 19:43

I got pregnant (by mistake) summer 2015, our daughter was born in April. DH was so happy, but I found being at home with a baby all day every day really really hard.

I am due to go back to work just before Christmas, and DH is putting pressure on me not to. He thinks it's too much work to have young baby and full time work and he says at the least I should ask for part time.

He makes me feel I am being selfish, am I?

OP posts:

Dozer · 27/11/2016 08:46

Flexible work requests can be put in anytime.

Agree with the poster who said keep an eye on your mental health.

And that there might need tobe adjustment for your DH too

I personally found working FT too much, due to sleep deprivation (in our case childcare made DC's sleep worse!) and my DH did his fair share of night and day parenting and domestics, and we had a cleaner. Commuting and very early starts didn't help! And I disliked my job too and had no support and bad things going on at work. Got easier once youngest DC went to preschool.

PacificDogwod · 27/11/2016 10:02

Another thing to consider is your pension - how well are you provided for in your older age? Make sure that that is not entirely dependent on your DH's income.

Yes, children become much more rewarding when they are older (but IME experience more like school age when they are aware much of the day anyway...) and I think we would all be well-advised to consider longterm career progression vs staying at home for a number of years.
There's no Right or Wrong, but I think it is important to look beyond the snuggly baby years or what your DH wants.

FWIW, what I want is a 1950s wife too

expatinscotland · 27/11/2016 10:28

'But he copes working full time with a baby, so why wouldn't you?

Or is it because he'll have to juggle 50% of pick-ups / drop-offs / childcare / housework, and he basically thinks that's your 'job'?'

This.

spicyfajitas · 27/11/2016 11:30

Go back to work. Keep your financial independence and keep your skills up.

Neither model is wrong, but if you give up work for reasons other than your own, you may struggle with that decision further down the line.

Giving up work to sah is a massive gamble. It's one I took. I'm a very happy sahm, but I'm aware that I left myself vulnerable and that my life could change dramatically from what it is now

Scooby20 · 27/11/2016 11:49

But he copes working full time with a baby, so why wouldn't you?

That doesn't make sense. If she works aswell (as she has said they can't afford for him to give up or go part time) that's not the same as when he was just working.

I have always worked. I love being independent. The OP is very possibly depressed, perhaps her dh just thinks working full time will push her over the edge. Perhaps he doesnt think tgat going back to work will help. He could be genuinely concerned But he could also be a selfish dickhead and just thinking about himself.

Non of us know him. So no one can say what his motivations are.

SVJAA · 27/11/2016 11:51

I've been a SAHM for 9 years, I love my kids more than life itself but I told DP the other day I want to go back to work when the wee one starts nursery full time because I'm demented. His response was that I should do whatever made me happy and that he'd do whatever he could to support me.

PlectrumElectrum · 27/11/2016 12:17

Your DH can always ask if working condensed hours, still full time, is an option - if he worked his full time hours over 4 days, that gives you other options too that might help you get a better balance. I'd be asking him for that at the very least if he thinks it's reasonable to pressure you to compromise your earning capacity/self reliance for the sake of your family.

The pattern in my place of work follows that with most of the dad's - a few mums do the same, some reduce their hours. There's a lot of options if you are keen to 'pitch in' for the sake of family harmony- and I'm aiming that comment at him not you OP!

Unwrapped · 27/11/2016 16:11

Yes, children become much more rewarding when they are older (but IME experience more like school age

Not for everyone- I found motherhood very rewarding when he turned one and started walking. Before then I'd been struggling through each day, felt endless and exhausting. I'm very glad I didn't go back full-time as I wouldn't have been able to drop my hours.

Unwrapped · 27/11/2016 16:20

I'm surprised many posters think this is OP's decision alone; shouldn't it be a family decision? I think her DH is in a difficult position, as the main earner he can't reduce his hours. Yet shouldn't he have a say whether his child goes to nursery full time or part time?

My DH is the main earner but if the roles were reversed I wouldn't be happy with him deciding to put baby in full time childcare unless we both agreed it was the best thing for our child.

2cats2many · 27/11/2016 16:26

It isn't 'best' for your baby to have an unhappy mum looking after her full time. It's in all your family's interests for you to feel satisfied and happy.

Staying at home just isn't for everyone- it certainly wasn't for me. We could have coped on one salary but the thought of being a full time parent made me feel low so I went back to work.

You should do what's best for you. By extension, that will end up being what's best for everyone.

XinnaJane · 27/11/2016 16:27

unwrapped I think that if one parent can't go part-time/quit, it's unfortunate for them, but they can't dictate what the other parent does. Just because you earn less, doesn't mean that you are suited to doing more childcare.

Ultimately I think if you have a strong view about it, you change your life to make it work.

liquidrevolution · 27/11/2016 16:33

As an aside i loved the baby age but knew i would struggle with a toddler. I work 4 days a week and wish it was five...

If you want to go back to work then do so but make sure he does 50% of chores and parenting as well.

Unwrapped · 27/11/2016 19:25

if one parent can't go part-time/quit, it's unfortunate for them, but they can't dictate what the other parent does. Just because you earn less, doesn't mean that you are suited to doing more childcare

But don't you think the decision to use full time childcare should be made by both parents rather than just OP?
Of course her DH could change his hours... but she has already said they can't afford for him to go part time. So he has to stay full-time to keep the family afloat.

No-one is suggesting OP become a SAHP. I was suggesting returning part time as a compromise.

2Cats I didn't say it's best for baby to have OP full time at home. I said it should be a joint decision about what's best for baby, as every family and baby is different. For my family, me working PT is best for everyone as DH works long hours in a high stress (but well paid) job. I need to fit my work around his and be available for nursery picks-ups, sick days etc since his job provides our main income. My DS enjoys nursery and I feel it's good for him, but I wouldn't put him in full-time unless DH was on board with it and it made sense financially.

2cats2many · 27/11/2016 20:51

Yes. That's what's best for you and your family. It's clear to me that the OP feels differently.

Smartleatherbag · 27/11/2016 20:55

I think the problem is that your dh thinks he knows better than you about what would work for you.
Your wee one will be fine whatever you choose.
By the sound of it, I'd want to stay in financially viable.
I was a sahm for many years. It's not easy or suitable for everyone, regardless of the income issue.

PlectrumElectrum · 27/11/2016 21:42

And as I've already pointed out, full time workers can do more if they want to and have the option of condensed hours. No reduction in salary & can be available at least one day a week to do their bit on childcare. If part time really isn't an option then condensed hours should be requested - assuming the DH here is actually thinking about what's best for their family and what he can do to contribute to the work life balance too.

Unwrapped, do you think the OP should get a say on her DH asking for condensed hours, or is tha a decision only he can make?

Unwrapped · 28/11/2016 13:40

Unwrapped, do you think the OP should get a say on her DH asking for condensed hours, or is tha a decision only he can make?

Yes I do think she should have a say. Hours of work affect the whole family (whether condensed, part time, full time etc). Presumably she would have to do all nursery picks ups/drops off, housework, cooking and baby care on days he worked condensed hours as he'd be leaving very early and returning very late?

If one partner is the main provider, things will never be 50/50 as they are already contributing more. Prieity has to be given to their job (as oppose to the lower earning job) since this is keeping family afloat.

Unwrapped · 28/11/2016 13:41

*Priority

Theoretician · 28/11/2016 14:18

But don't you think the decision to use full time childcare should be made by both parents rather than just OP?

I don't think it's about who should have the casting vote so much as which should be the default option. If either the potential SAHP or their partner is against that arrangement, it should not happen. One parent becoming financially dependent on the other is a large risk, not just for the SAHP. Both should agree to it, otherwise it doesn't get taken.

creamycrackers · 28/11/2016 14:27

YANBU If that is what suits you then go for it.

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