AIBU to think I should go back to work even though DH doesn't want me to?

[suedechocolate]

I got pregnant (by mistake) summer 2015, our daughter was born in April. DH was so happy, but I found being at home with a baby all day every day really really hard.

I am due to go back to work just before Christmas, and DH is putting pressure on me not to. He thinks it's too much work to have young baby and full time work and he says at the least I should ask for part time.

He makes me feel I am being selfish, am I?

Loved^

Have you spoken to anyone professional about feeling low and tired, Suede? A certain level of tiredness is part of parenthood but you mention feeling low, sad and guilty. Being at home all day with a baby or toddler is hard. Being at work all day is easier in the sense that you might get to sit down and drink a hot cup of tea (depending on your job and whether you like tea). None of this might apply to you. I think I saw going back to work as getting back to normal, being the me I was before I had DS. That's not how it worked. I was going into work without having a good night's sleep for a start. Then I was coming home in the evening and having very little time to myself, doing family routine stuff and getting ready for the next day, so very little time to recharge. The first year back was really tough. And at work, they expect you to be just like you were.
I'm not saying don't go back, I'm just saying don't expect too much of yourself or work at first.
How flexible are your employers? Could you use holidays or keeping in touch days to go back gradually? I worked 2 days a week, then 3, then 4 over a period of couple of months. I work 4 now and it's a godsend.
Before you make a decision, I would consider seeing your GP to make sure you're going back at full strength, physically and psychologically. Get your iron levels checked and do the PND questionnaire, just in case. See if you can get the chance to talk it through with someone impartial. If you both work, you might have access to an Employee Assistance Programme.
Whatever you decide, you don't have to stick to it forever. It's not a failure to change your mind.
Good luck

Would he go to 4 days if it's important to him? You probably wouldn't be too much worse off; you wouldn't need to pay for childcare that day. Go back full if it's what you want to do particularly if he is trying to get you to stay at home.

I work full time and I'm a single mum. I absolutely hated not working and went back when my dd was 6 months. She is 7 years old now. Tell him to sod off and do what makes you happy. It sounds like your identity is firmly planted in your career like mine is and honestly working makes me a better mum. I would go bonkers otherwise Xxx

I'm a SAHM and it suits me down to the ground and I'm very happy despite the odd bad days - BUT hell would freeze over before I let anyone else tell me this is what i have to do!!
Ignore, ignore. Is he this controlling with everything?

Go back to work and see how you find it.

If possible, work on your career/employment prospects and who knows? Maybe in the future it would be feasible for you as a family to reduce either of your work commitments to both of you spend more time with your child.

Different set-ups suit different families. Your DD will be fine - what childcare are you hoping to have for her?
And yes, get your DH to very seriously even think about reducing HIS work commitments in the longterm in order to be there for his offspring.

I work part time. It's difficult, you can't really do 40 hours work in 24 hours. And you're still at home enough to make a mess. I keep thinking full time would at least keep the house tidy!

Having said that, I do like having time in the week for things like dentist appts, much less stressful than squeezing them around work. I think 4 days work would be a good balance. Esp if you both did 4 days with two different days off, that's the dream

I work full time with two kids and we don't need the money! I work because I have a career and it doesn't mean I don't adore my kids. We pay a cleaner and an ironing lady and my DH pulls his weight 50/50. Going back to work should be your decision.
Your husband only thinks it will be "too much" for you because he's expecting you to do so much around the house/childcare right? Maybe HE doesn't want to have to do much around the house/with the kids

This all depends on something we can't tell you.

What his motivation is.

Does he genuinely see that you are down and think this will make you worse?

Or is it because, really, his life is easier if yiu are at home.

You must do what makes you happy because ultimately that is what is best for your baby . There is no harm in giving it a go anyway , you can always try reduce your hours later on if you find that you are not enjoying being back at work . Babies are not everyone's cup of tea and you may find you'd rather be pt when your child is 2/3 or even starting school .

But he copes working full time with a baby, so why wouldn't you?

Or is it because he'll have to juggle 50% of pick-ups / drop-offs / childcare / housework, and he basically thinks that's your 'job'?

I think I'd be asking exactly why he thinks you would find it too much. I suspect he thinks looking after the baby and sorting the house isn't his job.

Loads of women have no choice but to go back to work and cope just fine.

I'd be careful about staying out of the workforce for too long. You end up planning to be off for a few years then whoops another baby comes along then it's easier for you to be at home then childcare for both is too expensive and next thing you know it's been 10 years then 15 years off and you've become financially independent on another person and it's tricky to get back into the workforce. It's a risky prospect really and too often women drop out and find it v hard to get back in.

I went back part time in September when my baby was 9 months old, it's the best thing, I too found it tough at home with a baby all day, work is my break! My partner wasn't happy but now admits it was for the best and is happy about it and apologises for being a dick at the time!

Not selfish at all, I was a sahm for 25 years, but it has to be your choice, made of your own free will, with no pressure.
It's not up to your dh to determine, maybe he's scared of all the extra he will be expected to do. Is he good at domestics, does he do equal share of parenting.

Hi OP. First off, I'm sure your baby will be fine in childcare 5 days a week so don't worry about it if that's what you want to do. Your DH does have a right to a view about what's best for your DC but him throwing around words like selfish when he won't be the one making a sacrifice is VU.

Just a thought - you mention the long days with DC being difficult. Is your work something that could work with a spread out PT pattern - eg. 75% hours spread across all 5 days? That way you have some time with DC/to do home stuff but it might not be so overwhelming? I do something similar and it works both for my family and professionally - after 6 years of it I have clients and contacts who don't even realise I am PT!

OP absolutely no harm will come to your dd being full time at nursery or with a Childminder. She will still thrive and learn and grow into whatever little person she is going to become.

What you need to do is think about what you want and how much you want to work. It is very good that you are able to choose - for a lot of parents there's simply no way they can drop hours or some return to work and pay childcare. You have the choice.

However it ought to be your choice.

Would your dh use you working ft as a stick to beat you with? Would you ever be able to say "gosh I'm shattered" or "I've got no time for x and y:?

Would he do 50% of the housework and food shopping and dropping/collecting from childcare? Would he take days leave when dd is too ill to go to nursery?

But he copes working full time with a baby, so why wouldn't you?

This

Ultimately your decision.

I can only relay what happened with me, I was 'persuaded' to be a sahm by my ex. While I enjoyed the time with my daughter I now regret it as when we split (his infidelity), I had no money coming in, a 2 year gap in my cv, no recent references. I now wish I'd gone back at least part time. In hindsight (that being perfect vision of course) I can see that my ex's motivation was because no way would he have stepped up to do his share of childcare or housework. He's now remarried and had more children, she earns more than him and works full time plus she does all the childcare when she's not at work and most of the housework - she's knackered!

If you decide to continue as a sahm or return part time, protect yourself financially and be clear with him that he must step up and contribute in terms of effort too (yes even if you're a sahm - I don't think that means you should have to do everything. It's his home and child too. He presumably gets at least one day off a week so should you. In fact given you're saying you're tired now, what does he do at home?)

If you want to go back to work full-time, go and do it. I did. Being a SAHM would have driven me stark staring bonkers. After DC1 I started my own business and had only a matter of weeks off with DC2. I was very lucky because I had a brilliant CM only 5 houses away and I worked from home.

Never feel guilty. As a PP said, what's good for the mum is often good for the baby. My DC were no less loved or secure than anyone else's. They grew up seeing me work, enjoying what i do, constantly learning new skills. This is good for them.

And think to yourself "Does DH think he should be at home parenting full-time? Does he feel guilty about the hours he works?"

I think you'll find that the answer is "No". He's busy assuming that your wishes, your ambitions should come below his in the hierarchy.

Then there's the potentially sinister angle. Men who exert pressure on their DPs to be more financially dependent do not always do so for the best of motives. This may be irrelevant to your marriage, you decide.

He thinks you'll find it too much ! He needs to wake up and realise that there are 2 parents and he will also need to make changes. Please don't tell me that he expects you to be in the one getting up in the night, buying her clothes and shoes, sorting out her food, doctors appointments etc?

What makes you happy is best for your daughter. If you're unhappy at home with her, go to work and send her to nursery. That means the time you spend with her will be more enjoyable for both of you. Your husband doesn't get to tell you how you'll feel about things.

Op babies are much much less rewarding than toddlers. The older children get the more interesting they are. I say this because I totally understand how you feel but personally although I love working I have always wanted to work part time

I love my job but I also love waking up o my two days at home and knowing I'm just going yo be hanging st home or in the park with my 2 year old ...abd there to collect my older one from school.

I wpuld go for part time always if possible and think of how different a 2 year old is to a baby. It's a long game.

I think you need to compromise if possible. Your DH doesn't have the option of going part time because he's the higher earner, but he still has a right to be involved in the decisions about his child. Maybe he thinks full time nursery isn't the best thing for baby at this age? Ultimately it's your decision but it's only fair to consider his feelings and opinions.

I was keen to return to work after mat leave but we compromised and I went back 3 days a week. I found long days with a baby sad and depressing too. Getting treatment for PND really helped me. Once baby turned 1 and started walking/talking everything changed and I started to really enjoy him. I found the baby months a drag but love having a toddler!

As for structure, I think that's something you can create if you want to. Once they can play independently, groups become about them not you. Try lots of different groups, make friends, join FB meet ups, plan trips to zoo, softplay, farms, swimming, structure in educational sessions, work on language skills etc. I find it helpful to have a plan for the days I'm not working, I write it down the night before.

I love my job, but on days I work I feel like everything is a rush- getting to nursery on time, commuting, nursery pick-up, keeping on top of housework and laundry. DH works long hours so most of the household
things fall to me. Just trying to blowdry my hair and get dressed for work is a struggle when trying to get baby ready for nursery!

If you return full time will your DH take an equal share of household chores? Can you afford a cleaner/housekeeper? Who will do the cooking? Who will look after baby when she's ill? You need to discuss all this before making the final decision.

Also, if you change your mind or find full-time too much, is there an option to drop your hours later or are you commited to full time once you return?