School telling me what title I should use

[mumofone1234]

My child started a new school in September. A few weeks into the new term I received an email from the school saying that they would like to change the title they have for me on their records from 'Ms' to 'Mrs' and if I am not happy with this then to reply to the email. I replied saying I would like to keep 'Ms' thank you very much. All has been fine since then. All communication has said 'Ms'.
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Today I get a letter addressed to 'Mrs Mumofone1234'? AIBU to wonder why on earth they care what title I assign myself? Is this a stealth way of finding out the marital status of parents? (It is a hard to get into school that goes off church attendance).

Titles are completely stupid for online shopping - like asking for a child's religion to enrol them into a dancing class.

I have a colleague who has her e-mail signature as 'Dolly Barton (Mrs)'

I have cause to write to associates all over the world for work. In my experience Americans want to use first names very soon, whereas you can be dealing with the same Japanese person for years and they'll insist on Mrs Hathaway.

So when I'm writing to Japan I sign off Sally Hathaway (Mrs).

When I write to my children's school (rarely, honest) I would write Dear Mrs Teacher ... Best wishes Sally Hathaway and typically they then reply Dear Sally ... Best wishes Jane.

In other situations I hear "Mrs Hathaway" as actually meaning "Mrs

My DS school initially had problems with me not having the same surname as DS (even if I had marred XP I wouldn't have taken his name) so I was Mrs XPname. Then they managed to get to Mrs Borrocks. Now, 3 years in they've mastered Ms Borrocks and to shake things up I've started suggesting they call me Rhoda.

Oh and our system at work (NHS) defaults to Ms if we don't know a woman's marital status or title.

We're hoping to add Mx too. If we do then that will become the default for everyone we don't have a title for and they can tell us if they want to change it.

It was a Parentmail type thing

That explains it. Parentmail is shit for this sort of thing. I had it out with them a few years ago as it assumes the 1st priority parent is the mother. You cannot choose the father to be contacted first in an emergency. My school only uses Parentmail to send messages, and not for contact details as the system gets things wrong.

if i am getting details from a woman I ask for their name. unless they say a title then I give them Ms.

I see no reason for Miss or Mrs when they are essentially different abbreviations of the same word

However, like a PP I do rummage through the drop down menus to allocate random titles . Mother Superior was a firm favourite for ages, and I am fond of Baroness. :o

eyespydreams thank you very much! I completely agree with your stance and love that you turned down your invitation to the businesswomen's lunch, though think it's shocking "Ms" wasn't an accepted title for it. I very much hope my friends don't ever get pressured into changing their names when they marry (I questioned a few girls on this earlier before registration which I'll post about below). There is absolutely no chance I'll change my surname if I marry and would prefer the man to take mine. I'm pretty sure my best friends will be the same. What's frustrating is that though it's on the face of it a free choice, it isn't really. If it was, as many men would change their surnames to the woman's as the other way round, as any reason for a woman doing it would also be one for a man doing it (don't like my surname, don't like my dad, want to be a family unit with the same name when we have children etc). It's grounded in patriarchy and the assumption men are the owners, the default, more important, take precedence. That it still persists so often is infuriating (I think it's still about 80% of the time this happens). Though if anyone ever asked my dad's permission to marry me I think he'd find it quite funny

I surveyed my tutor group in school this morning (encompassing girls from Year 7 through to Year 13). 100% of Years 11, 12 and 13 said they'd keep their surnames IF they marry and all but one favours "Ms" as a title. All but two in Years 7 and 8 said they'd change theirs "when" they're married though when I pointed out how sexist that assumption is and questioned why men shouldn't change theirs they thought more about it and at least one changed her mind. 9 and 10 were majority against changing names, with one "I'll never get married anyway" response. I didn't stipulate whether the person married would be a man or woman. Reasonably reassuring that from my unscientific survey and conversations with other friends, many girls my age certainly won't be changing our surnames if we marry and will be/are using "Ms".

Actually that reminds me of a very important formal dinner relating to a sport. In that sport there is a clear distinction made between proper competition (Men's and Women's) and piss-ups gentle larking about (Gentlemen's and Ladies').

One of the guests of honour took one look at the seating plan and refused to sit down. Her label read "GB Ladies' Captain" or similar.

She was an Olympian. Her male counterpart was correctly identified as "Men's Captain".

What the fuck?! Cheeky feckers.

I'd get back to them and say 'Oh dear, you've mistakenly called me "Mrs". My title is actually Wing Commander. Please amend your records.'

Mother Superior was a firm favourite for ages, and I am fond of Baroness.

Yes!! This should totally become a thing. MNers everywhere choosing random titles, subverting the form and quietly sniggering at junk mail everywhere

On a more serious note, I'm a bit conflicted about Mrs. I get the feminist reasoning for disliking it, I dislike it a bit myself even though it's my current title, but I also dislike that other women dislike it - I mean, the consequences of getting rid of Miss and Mrs is, in effect, telling women what to do and I can't get behind that. It's a tricky situation.

I always default to Ms if I don't know someone's choice though.

I found this at my dds school, they can't get their head round that I would be unmarried so always address me as 'Mrs Girliefriend' to which I reply 'its Miss, Mrs Girliefriend is my mother!' They still don't learn though!

My brother once had a letter sent to him from my dds Dr regarding my dd which it transpired was because they had assumed he was dds father!! Flipping ridiculous.

AuntDotsie but then no-one would say men are being told what to do only having the title "Mr" and not having their marital status displayed with their title. A step towards equality in that respect would be only "Ms" and "Mr".

Eyespy, I'm glad you turned down that lunch but disgusted that Camilla did that.

One reason Cameron wanted equal marriage was he thought attitudes would follow law. Id like to see Miss and Mrs go for the same reason. Not asking parliament to vote but for every org to just fucking get on and do it. Govt could recommend. Oh wait, there's a Mrs in charge...in 2016....and a misogynist in the White House.

but then no-one would say men are being told what to do only having the title "Mr" and not having their marital status displayed with their title.

Well no, but they haven't had centuries (millenia?) of other 'options' either. We are dealing with the world as it is, and that's a world where women have gone from having these titles forcibly applied to them to having a bit more leeway and choice in the last few decades. I think plenty of contemporary women would be very attached to Miss or Mrs and utterly resent having Ms foisted on them.

So while only having Ms and Mr is perfectly logical, it's not feasible to do in one fell swoop. All you can do is talk to women about it and let them make their own minds up. Like with most (if not all) feminist choices. I also think it's a bit off to describe someone calling themselves Mrs as a 'negative' thing. I think a bit of compassion, understanding and solidarity goes a long way. In the words of Amy Poehler - 'good for you, not for me'.

AuntDotsie but I personally think it is a negative thing generally. I'm not judging women who do it, my mum is "Mrs" and took my dad's name when they got married. She's still a feminist, successful in her career and role model to me. I've had this debate with her and she thinks the same as you but I can't pretend I don't think the existence of "Miss" and "Mrs" is sexist when men only have "Mr".

Bound to be a database thing. Don't overthink it just point out that the update has been applied to you in error.

I had friends that had a v swanky gift registry for a wedding. The titles drop down included all kinds like Lord, Vicount, Rev etc. We were very tempted to upgrade ourselves!!

I'd suppose marital status is what they're after: I was told by the admissions admin for a CofE school when explaining why my children attend two different sunday schools that shared (separated) parents probably wouldn't get in as the school prefered more stable families. Funnily enough I prefer more supportive school environments than one who looks to score points at the parents than any interest in the child. Stopped attending one of the sunday school's too - based on the reactions of other parents to that nugget.
Faith schools are keen to excludem from many angles.

I was told by the admissions admin for a CofE school when explaining why my children attend two different sunday schools that shared (separated) parents probably wouldn't get in as the school prefered more stable families.

That's outrageous.

I've really never come across such rants about taking your husband's name, titles, etc in real life, only ever on MN. Every married person I know (including myself) is Mrs DHsurname, and my engaged friends all intend to change their names too.

Yes, it's a bit annoying that men don't have to change their titles but I can't get that worked up about it.

I have a friend whose title is Lady (for real) our workplace HR team decided that this must be an indicator of her being transgender- imagine their faces when I told them they were wrong, very wrong and even if they were not, it was none of their fecking business. (She had to declare the previous name of Lady so and so of so and so for her DBS check)

I never told her they had asked me this. She would be very upset.

A colleague of mine warned me gravely that using 'Ms' means you're gay. I laughed, but she was absolutely serious and would not be persuaded otherwise :-D.

amusedbush well plenty of my friends talk about it and agree we'd never do it. It's not just "a bit annoying", it's entirely sexist. You don't have to get worked up about it but can't see how anyone could deny it's sexist and patriarchal. Also, you say "men don't have to change their titles"...neither do women. There should only be "Ms" and "Mr" and as many men as women should change their surnames upon marriage.

IAmAmy

Yes, of course I know the history behind it and I considered carefully before choosing to take my husband's name. I got married earlier this year at 25, so I'm not of the "older generation" that was mentioned upthread either.

I respect your views, I understand where you're coming from but I think your theatrics here are a bit much. Are you looking for a medal for knowing that you'll never change your name if you marry? Nobody gives a toss if anybody does or doesn't take their husband's name.

I've had this debate with her and she thinks the same as you but I can't pretend I don't think the existence of "Miss" and "Mrs" is sexist when men only have "Mr".

Well, it is sexist. You are perfectly entitled to think it's sexist and your reasoning is sound IMO. And you've made some choices about your future. That's good for you, but not necessarily for everyone else. Anyone can think what they like, it's what action it leads to that's key. So what do you want to do about it?

I HATE this , that " is it mrs or miss" shit on the phone . I love saying "actually it's Dr" , (which it is) ... but I still hate it, what the fuck does it matter. My children are " forename ExHsurname" - and I am Dr maiden name (always have been).only one out of four secondary school has been able to manage this consistently .... men are just Mr .... even my 18 year old son.

Mine call my Mrs Waves. I'm actually Dr Waves; I must admit I'm quite happy to be called Mrs Waves (married surname) but because no one else calls me that then I often will look round to see who they are talking to...