School telling me what title I should use

[mumofone1234]

My child started a new school in September. A few weeks into the new term I received an email from the school saying that they would like to change the title they have for me on their records from 'Ms' to 'Mrs' and if I am not happy with this then to reply to the email. I replied saying I would like to keep 'Ms' thank you very much. All has been fine since then. All communication has said 'Ms'.
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Today I get a letter addressed to 'Mrs Mumofone1234'? AIBU to wonder why on earth they care what title I assign myself? Is this a stealth way of finding out the marital status of parents? (It is a hard to get into school that goes off church attendance).

A silly, but pertinent story, when I was for my PhD at a well known university (2000/ 2001 something like that) they celebrated the 50th anniversary of allowing women to be awarded a degree. They sent a letter to all the female post grad students appraising them of this wondrous news by addressing every single one of us Mr. 😲

Weird. My school seems to use Ms as default. Odd when they know I'm married.

Cherry the beauty of 'Ms' is that it's just as easily used whether you're married or not.

Cherry, but Ms applies to people who are married

Mrs used to be a courtesy title given to women, whether married or not, over a certain age. It was considered a mark of respect (think Downton!) I suspect schools etc, and especially hospitals tend to call people Mrs (instead of Madam) these days just to be polite and not call you Miss. I used to get Miss a lot despite being married because I looked young.

Dumbest thread more like.

Hide it then Alex if its so dumb

I really hope you're a troll LemonLady. Uppity women. Really? I mean fucking really.

Just been at a party. Every girl there agreed none of us would ever change our names if we get married. But I'm not allowed to post? Also my friends first laughed at me but now think it's quite awesome I post on MM (where ad least one of their mums also posts - hi if that's her 😂)

*MN ffs

Insisting on being called Ms suggests that you feel your marital status defines your name. It doesn't matter if you are married or single.

It shouldn't matter. But whether you choose Miss, Mrs or Ms, someone will be making assumptions and judging you because of that choice. That is why there should be only one title (or none is even better.)

(Keep posting Amy - I love your posts, and it's good to know there are people your age questioning things like you do.)

Are you going to ask them about it OP?
I'm sure there is a very simple explanation. I doubt the school cares about your marital status one bit.

Ask them to change everyone else to Ms.
We should all use that anyway imo. In a world with probably too many pointless rules I would still be ok with a dictat that all women are now just called "Ms".

The German 'Frau' is so much easier. A blanket term where marital status is neither relevant nor questioned. I am a Mrs in the English speaking world. I would be OK with Ms. When I was younger and Ms was relatively new I know a lot of people ridiculed it, but now I see its value and wish it had been more widely understood and adopted.

It seems like a couple of decades ago there was a push to bring more equality through Ms but now people don't even seem to understand what it is or when or why you would use it.

To the poster questioning why a woman would sign her name of (e.g.) Dolly Parton (Mrs), I think it's pretty useful. I wish men would do it too. I often get emails, with (to me) foreign names so from Lotem Smith. (Totally random and made up!) and I have no idea if it's even from a man or a woman, so when replying, I can't just say Dear Smith. It would help to know at least how they would be addressed, so especially if the 1st name could be for either sex, like Sam, or not widely known, including the title would be very helpful.

Isitjustmeorisiteveryoneelse

To simply revery back to your maiden name I don't think you'll need a deedpoll, you'll only need that if you choose to double barrel. I was told your marriage cert and birth cert are enough to prove ID. And go to the gov.uk site for info on deedpolls, there are many companies trying to make money when it's free to do.

Isn't Ms now the default in the US, when you don't know the title? A step in the right direction at least.

My child started a new school in September. A few weeks into the new term I received an email from the school saying that they would like to change the title they have for me on their records from 'Ms' to 'Mrs' and if I am not happy with this then to reply to the email.

Even if you ignore the subsequent stuff - this is incredibly rude! What business did they have doing this?

Ernest Unofficial convention at work when faced with unusual names (Lotem Smith) would be to address to Dear Lotem Smith, ie, full name.

After that, email replies tend to be addressed to my first name so I reply in kind, seems to work ok.

Thanks Raspberry, I guess it makes sense, it just seems rude or impersonal to address like that. Where I live/work, just using 1st name would be a big no-no, so it does make it awkward. It seems so much easier to just give a clue who I'm 'talking to'.

Luckily none of my friends now would so much as consider changing our surnames if we marry.

It's good to hear this Amy, and I really hope that it comes true.

However, I'm in the same boat as eyespy. Twenty years ago I'd have said exactly what you're saying, but in reality 95% (at least - only one or two have bucked the trend) of my old friends have changed their names on marriage. (And similar for women my age I've met since school.) It's so ingrained.

It's sad that something I used to think was dying out is still so much the norm, but there it is.

Eyespy's description is spot on in my experience:

many of us, men and women, had been I thought super equal friends since uni and now all the women were like 'yes we're just dropping my name! His is more important! Can't wait to be a Mrs, eh?! Ooh yes and he asked my dads permission to marry me ISN'T IT SWEET SQUEE?!?!!'

Ernest there are occasions when I've googled the name while writing the email. Knowing whether to address as Mr or Ms can be useful, and sometimes a LinkedIn or other profile will give a clue......

I'm loving the idea of using other titles though. I quite fancy being General WomanWithAltitude

There is a choice, isn't there.
People who want to be called Ms are perfectly entitled to do so. Those who prefer Mrs or Miss are also entitled to do that, even if people see it as a subjugation of women in a patriarchal society.
This is the thing with progress and feminism isn't it.......we aren't entirely rational in our thoughts about it. Although we might say we want total equality, there may well be features of the old system which we actually still like too.....it's sort of a contradiction, but it's the reality with human nature.....as we move forward, we do still cling to things from the past, and doing that isn't wrong.
I am Mrs. I am happy for our family unit to have the same name and that the name marks us out as a unit. I think that's why many women still like Mrs. Yes, because of the past, it is his name that we all share.I t would work to serve the same thing in terms of marking us out as a unit if it was my name or an entirely new one. There is nothing wrong in wanting to be seen as a family unit, rather than as an entirely separate entity and I understand why people feel they want to become Mrs on marriage, but also why they don't want to.
I think that the hand wringing and saying that women still using Mrs all these years into feminism shows that society has not really progressed is wrong. Names and titles are important and they do show a lot bout values that people hold....but women choosing to be Mrs today is something they choose to do and isn't about subjecting themselves to their husbands. Thing are much more nuanced than that.

I think that the hand wringing and saying that women still using Mrs all these years into feminism shows that society has not really progressed is wrong.

It's not women using Mrs Hisname per se that I find troubling though. It'sthe fact that nearly 100% of my peer group has done it. That shows, in my view, that we are a long way from it being a free choice.

I know what you mean.....to a point.
However, sometimes the fact that the majority go with something isn't an indication of free choice, just that it's the choice that actually works best for most people.
Yes, they may feel that because everyone else or most others are becoming Mrs, they MUST too, but they are all aware that there are other choices too those days - that info is very much known by all - so perhaps being Mrs just works well for them and they like it, rather than being pressured? Again, I think that names giving us identities as a family unit is something that many people really value. There are often threads on here about unmarried people and which surname to give their kids - mothers often feel that they want their kids to have their surname because it connects the child to them, or they want their child to be connected to the father. When everyone has one surname (and it has to come from somewhere - father, mother or a new name ..... And yes tradition and a patriarchal system made that the man's name) then everyone is connected together. I guess you could change your name and remain Miss or Ms if you wanted to do that - so the title didn't change, even if the name to connect everyone together did.
How about that - would it be better if women, on marriage kept their spittle (as men do) and the family all took on a new surname which wasn't from the man or woman's side? Sounds good on paper, but would be very tricky in terms of following the generations over time. Now rhos it will be the future.

Chocolatewombat I'll believe that it's a choice that women are making just because it's convenient when men change their names just as often. Until then - and for as long as many people think the idea of a man changing his name is laughable - then I refuse to believe that this choice has nothing to do with sexism. I also completely refuse to believe (privately! Again, I would never say anything rude to someone who changed their name!) that all these women all just coincidentally just don't like their names.