Leave House to brother or DCs

[HouseDilema]

I've name changed for this as I don't want to be identified, post may be a little vague because of that.

DH and I own 2 properties, one is a very nice House in a lovely area just outside of London, the other is a cottage by the beach that we rent out throughout the year.

I have a brother, who's 15 years my junior and who has ASD and DCs ranging from 15-25.

Until recently DH and I had our Will set up so that DB would inherit the cottage and DCs the family home to sell off and split, however we've now changed our minds for a number of reasons, including the governments current attitude towards the disabled.

We want to give DB our family home for the rest of his life, he's currently in his 30s with the mental age of an early teen, he can't live alone and he'll need care for the rest of his life. To fund the help that he will need, we have decided to keep the cottage for him as well so that he'll always have a income.

The new Will states that now we shall be leaving DB both properties and once he passes, the DCs can inherit both.

DH and I thought the best approach was to tell everyone and make our position very clear. It didn't go down very well, especially not with our eldest who's only 10 years younger then DB.

I don't think I am being unreasonable but I can see that their attitude really hurt DH. I understand the current housing climate but they are not the ones with the greater need.

Yes you can Clarissa. Obviously a potential concern here, if OP were thinking of one of her DC doing it.

Bah everyone.

Clarissa - you have to agree to be someone's attorney - dsis and I have financial and health (not the exact terms) powers of attorney for my mums, and there was a long form for each of the powers of attorney which had to be signed by mum, us and a witness.

I am not so sure about being made executor.

If someone puts you down as PoA/ executor of will, can you refuse?

POA has to be agreed

You CAN list someone as your executor without their knowledge/consent, but when you die they can opt out and then as far as I know, the solicitor does it (and takes a chunk of money for it from probate)

I would presume that the OP expected at least the eldest DC would look after her DB

except her actions are saying "I don't trust any of you to do right by him so I'm going to try to continue to manage the situation from beyond the grave"

YABU. You are assuming that your DCs will be financially secure in the future and will not face any adversity in life. This may well be happen but it may not. You have no idea what the future will bring. Just because they don't need help now doesn't mean that they won't do in the future. What about any future grandchildren?
Your sense of responsibility towards your brother is completely overshadowing your DC. I don't think you are being reasonable at all.
Why can you not split any inheritance 3 ways?

You do not appoint PoA in a will. PoA is an agreement between living people, typically between PA parent and their adult child, a husband and wife etc. so that major financial and medical decisions can be taken to in their behalf if they should lose the mental and physical capacity.

*between parent and their child. Not sure where PA came from.

Am very surprised OPs DH would prioritise his BIL rather than his own children! Some of whom are still actually children.

OPs later post mentions she's already helped the DCs out - please share how you've helped the 15 year old out so much that he requires no help if anything happens to you right now. If they have mental health issues or disabilities when they're older, you are saying their uncles needs still trumps theirs.

I'm not sure why you're posting in AIBU if you're not interested unless people agree with you.

It could cause a rift that perseveres after your deaths; your brother may end up with two houses, but hardly any visits from resentful nieces and nephews. If the principal house is large, he could be a target for unscrupulous people who want to crash there. You sound like a wonderful sibling but I'd try to think of other ways of helping him after you've gone.

so you don't trust SS to take care of your DB
well - who is left ?
Your trusted legal team ?
Certainly not one of your dc that you have already dismissed

I wouldn't ever under any circumstances do what you are suggesting, it basically could be disinheriting DC as they may never see a penny.

I would hope that some of the money that they get might free them up in some way to help DB.

I don't think the op will be back since she flounced...

However I disagree completely that children do not have a right to their family home when their parents are gone.

If I was your child I would just use all my power contesting the will....

Thanks to those who answered my question and apologies for derailing! My query tied in slightly to issues similar to those on the hoarder thread!

I don't understand why you wouldn't provide for your kids?

The state puts 65k per annum into my brothers accommodation/ provision. He has complex needs - ASD. He is doing amazingly! Much better then he would have if he had remained at home.

So not only are the dc's not being considered in their parents will, she is leaving them in the role of carer without their consent.

They will own the properties in name, but have no right to live in the until the DB dies. So that means they will be liable for all of the ongoing maintenance of the properties, for potentially 40 years or so.

I also don't think anyone has the right to make their child a carer of their disabled sibling/aunt/uncle/whoever. It's a massive commitment, and you have no idea what choices they want to make in their life. What if they want to move out of the area, or get a job overseas? Arrangements need to be made for the brother to be in a care situation that does not require major sacrifice from children who are not responsible for his care. You hope that they want to help out, but disinheriting them, making them financially responsible for years for a property they can't even sell or live in, and restricting their life choices because they are forced into being unpaid carers is the wrong thing to do.

Yes you can Clarissa, to either. And the person giving Lasting PoA can take it away at any time, as long as they're deemed competent. Much easier now, since EPAs (Enduring Power of Attorney) can no longer be taken out, as they were often abused, (eg, person with EPA might like to buy lots of stuff for themselves, as an "investment" for the person giving them EPA).

Personally I can't imagine leaving your estate to anyone other than DC's, but that's just the way in our family and I guess everyone is different.

I do think you're being spectacularly unfair you your DC's , you're effectively denying them any inheritance. If your eldest is only 10 years younger than your DB then if he ever does inherit anything from your DB it will pretty much be at the end of his life anyway so what's the point?

If you do want to look after do the why not just liquidate everything and split into 3 equal cheques?

I really do not understand why you would do this. Your original inheritance sharing plan was fine. This one seems impractical, divisive and a sure fire way to cause hurt.

While I agree with the sentiment expressed by the majority on this thread, it definitely doesn't follow the usual mumsnet line. I always read inheritance threads, and should the op express any disappointment at being told that family money will be distributed in unequal shares (or not distributed at all), they're usually given a right hammering for being 'entitled'. The op here is simply expressing the usual mumsnet line that no child may dare have an expectation of receiving anything from the estate of a deceased parent. She's probably shocked by the deviation, as am I.

I've only skim-read the thread but I haven't seen anyone mention tax? If these properties are valuable I can see them potentially being sold to pay death taxes before your db gets the share you want him to have. So, 'this one to live in' becomes irrelevant.

This reminds me of my MIL"s mindset when FIL wrote his will and left half his estate to DH and half to DH's sister....MIL (no longer married to FIL) said "But SHE should get more because she is a lone parent whilst HE (DH) has a wife"

DH and I...like SIL are not homeowners and just because sil is on paper, more vulnerable...doesn't mean she should have more inheritance than DH!

Also not sure why OP thinks her brother can manage in a private home but wouldn;t cope in a council property?

I'm not sure what the answer is. You've clearly done a lot of thinking and love all your family very much. I'm wondering if there are organisations that could better advice you as there must be many others in this situation where they have disabled siblings and so on.

(You do sound really lovely)

I completely understand why you want to make sure your DB is looked after. But there are so many factors here that you are not considering, I am not surprised people have told you you are being unreasonable:

• You don't know what your own care and financial needs are going to be in the future, so you really can't rely on having these two properties to dispose of in a will
• You don't know what will happen in life to your children, so it is unreasonable of you to not make provision for them, assuming they will be fine and your DB needs the money more than them
• You haven't necessarily thought through the cost and practical implications of leaving someone in your DB's position financially and practically responsible for two properties, including tenants
• You haven't accounted for the possibility that this will reduce his entitlement to state support
• You are assuming your DCs will be happy and able to manage things for your DB, having been excluded themselves
• You seem to be assuming your DB will 'pass' so that your DC will inherit your properties - he is twenty years the senior of your youngest, so not a reasonable assumption

And probably a hundred other factors that have been mentioned by pp.

So, since you did ask, YABU.