Aibu to expect people to help themselves in their own lives?

[Lazymazy1]

Have wanted to be a social worker for many years, have a degree and was looking to do a MSc.
However, doing voluntary work with a family who are in a very chaotic position, who won't help themselves, ie getting pregnant again whilst effectively homeless. Not taking control of things which will make a big difference in their current situation.

It isn't a case of can't, but won't help themselves, perhaps ingrained.

Am I being unreasonable ? Or are there good reasons why people just won't help themselves?

Training and experience will help the OP to understand the reasons people find difficulty helping themselves. None of us are perfect and the OP is at least interested in learning. I can't see why she shouldn't go ahead and train to be a social worker, her OP is not suggestive of unsuitability, just lack of experience.

Tartlet. Nope just what I see with my own eyes

Teen gave some great reasons.

I've known a couple of social workers really well, and they still sometimes wondered how on earth some of their service users messed stuff up quite so royally. As long as you are able to put feeling aside and get alongside the person without exuding judgements, then those feelings shouldn't stop you being a social worker.

I've worked with people who I've instinctively immediately felt judgemental towards - after all, that's just a very human reaction, and that's fine as long as one still does one's best for those people.

I sort of think that maybe the OP would make a good social worker..i know it is not thought correct but actually maybe these 'chaotic' families do need a hefty dose of being told exactly what to do, and not just being empathised with and 'supported' while they merrily go on their way not changing or engaging or trying to help themselves ?

I agree that many people in poor situations need a lot of help and support but when it is offered and given over and over and they fail to engage/go to courses/get to appointments and then say its not their fault and the next sw or volunteer steps in and starts the whole process off again and round they all go on the merry go round, meanwhile costing a fortune in public money ...is this fair to other families who want support/help/resources and would use then attend etc and maybe are not getting as much help ?

I see many people in my job who have had endless public money spent on them and yet fail to engage and then end up back at my door complaining about 'no one doing anything to help them'...makes me feel judgemental tbh.

I work with your potential clients every day. It is frustrating. More so because 9 out of 10 times a complete lack of self esteem and sense of 'place in the world's is behind it. Kids keep appearing because kids give them an identity, and love when many don't. Because role models don't exist. So called professionals meant to help them judge them, the papers demonise them, politicians seem determined to screw them up the arse...I could go on.

And someone demeans coping skills? Surely that's exactly what is needed?

"Some people make their lives chaotic (not on purpose) because they are trying to distract themselves from deep underlying issues. I'm not saying that is a thought out approach, but it does seem to be a subconscious reason. The chaos is a distraction. When the chaos seems to be lessening somewhat- let's get pregnant, or get a dog, or three cats, or something. Its like self sabotage."

This

That's a great link, portia. My son's social worker once told me that the visiting people in their own homes can be one of the most challenging aspects of the job. As it is a career that largely (but not always) attracts women, you need to be extremely confident about handling yourself and getting back up if you need it. I have considered it, but right now, I don't think I could do it as I'd hate to be in that position. It's a role which demands a very high level of self-awareness, so that you don't judge OR over-empathise .

High five to beauty.

I can't help thinking that if more people in caring professions told people like this the truth, we'd all be better off. So many families who are state dependent know their rights but are less clear on their responsibilities and need to be told! I suspect you'd get sacked but, jeez I wish more social workers were like you!

redjellybean are you a social worker?????

I'll post the link again

www.healthcareers.nhs.uk/explore-roles/clinical-support-staff/social-worker

theredjellybean: Firstly, these two things aren't mutually exclusive. You can instruct and empathise at the same time. And secondly, just telling people what to do will never work long-term anyway. You position yourself as the enemy and you don't help people to understand how they can make their lives better. You're just dishing out damaging judgement on people who may have experienced nothing but damaging judgement all their lives. It doesn't help.

I don't think YABU. You asked some questions because you haven't had enough experience to understand the reasons behind the family making the choices that they do, and there is nothing wrong with that. I don't think it means that you lack empathy or that you wouldn't be a good social worker once you understood those reasons. That's what training is for. It would be wrong if you hadn't asked the question and had just gone with the assumption that these families should be able to sort out their own problems and it's all their own fault that things aren't improving - but you didn't!

Social workers are supposed to help people help themselves. That's what empowerment means, not running around doing everything for the person. I also think social workers at times do have to be judgmental, at least on a professional level. It is their job to assess suitability etc, and so yes some judgement is needed.

However op I do think your post lacks empathy for just how difficult it is to live a normal life for some people. I wouldn't say abandon all hope at becoming a social worker entirely but maybe gain more experience and try to understand that with most people the answers are not black and white.

The reason is that they have never had the guidance and support from their own family. A lot of people who make bad choices have come from families with erratic lifestyles themselves. If no one has taught you to make better choices as a child how can you always make the best choice.
Some people see a pregnancy as a gift.
Some people see a pregnancy of the way of getting a house.

You have a lot to learn. I don't say give up now but open your eyes and heart more. Learn from your mistakes and don't judge people by your ideas but talk through and support them to make better choices. It is a long hard road and people won't always listen to you or follow through even though they know you might be right. You just have to do your best and be proud of the ones that do make it through.

I was a teenage mum I didn't say let's get pregnant I had a contraception failure and decided to keep my baby. The baby is now 18 I've only ever claimed CB so no don't stereotype me.
I went to uni albeit later than some got a degree in accounting and now have a little business.
I achieved this because my family helped me, they didnt judge and they didn't sneer

I saw an interview with a head teacher of a used to be failing school in London a year ago.

He said WHATEVER the circumstances the kids had to get their homework in. He said it just wasn't kind to let them not hand it in because of X reason (these kids had complex homes). He said the school used to sympathetic, but it got them nowhere, not they are tough. And guess what the kids are getting better results, the school is now outstanding, the kids go onto training etc etc.

When did it become unkind to be judgemental? How do we know it's the right course of action to be unjudgemental?

I just want to quickly add this, as I think it's important. As portias post illustrates, there are many different areas for social workers to specialise in. In my case, the social worker assigned to DS and I was trained in addiction amongst parents.

I worked with her for six months, whilst getting sober. On the evening of the handover (when DS was returned to me), she said "Jess, there's nothing wrong with you having a drink now and again. Just don't get drunk".

I'm an alcoholic. Alcoholics don't have 'a drink now and again'. I'm still surprised, years later, that a social worker who specialised in addiction, made that remark. I think more training is needed in some areas of this career.

Because who are you to judge

"When did it become unkind to be judgemental? How do we know it's the right course of action to be unjudgemental?"

What do you understand 'judgemental' to mean?

some people see pregnancy as a way of getting a house

That old chestnut! I lived in privately rented accommodation (small flat) before I was pregnant, and live in privately rented accommodation five years later (small flat). Houses are not handed out as 'gifts' to the pregnant! Please don't pedal this nonsense.

Beauty and it, you needed help, it doesn't sound as though the decisions you made had understandable reasons behind it.
The users I refer to are the ones who are capable of carrying through actions. But just don't.
Thanks for the replies, it helps to understand from an alternative perspective.

en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/judgemental

"Of course there's a good reason for them to act in this way and not help themselves. There's entire industries supporting these individuals. For every bad decision made there's youth workers/support workers/social workers/police/teachers/health workers to apply some there there cream and help them until their next stupid decision costing the tax payers 100s of 1000s a year. Take away that safety net and the problem would be solved in a generation"

You are not the first to have thought this. Have you ever read the books of Charles Dickens or any other Victorian social commentator? They documented a period where we tried doing it your way. It didn't work.

I meant it sounds as though the decisions you made had understandable reasons behind it!

Preganancy as a way of getting a house
Oh please dont make me laugh. Did you not know we have a housing crisis

www.theguardian.com/business/2016/nov/20/britains-housing-crisis-must-be-tackled-now