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AIBU?

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Original poster

To let my toddler play in a graveyard

162 replies

RegencyRomanceReader · 19/11/2016 16:19

Just seen a house that we might buy. It has no garden but backs on to a large old cemetary. We went for a walk around it before the viewing and my toddler was in love! obviously I stopped him climbing on the graves (most are raised stone with statues, huge crossed etc from 18th century onwards) and made him keep to the paths. He was running round pretending to see the gruffallo, pointing out squirrels, birds etc and jumping in puddles. He was not standing on graves but he was loud and excited and pointing out angels and authors and things. There was no one around and no fresh graves (not that old graves deserved less respect). As I one off I'm confident we didn't upset anyone or intrude on anyone's grief but if we bought the house this could become a regular thing (its a city so green space like this without cars is good dust). Wibu to take him for runs here regularly?

OP posts:
garlicandsapphire · 19/11/2016 19:37

Jeez. Really folks? Played in a grave yard a lot as a kid as did tons of my friends. No one died. Yeah I know the recent very sad case - we know about it because it's a freak accident! Parents today over estimate risk and under value freedom and free play.

Play outside and unsupervised is important for children to learn to take risks and regulate themselves. The number of kids who never play outside independently compared with when I grew up is really worrying. We are wrapping our children in cotton wool and tying them to our apron strings. Read Tim Gill. Our job is to enable them to evaluate risk and be capable of independence and responsibility.

It's fine OP. Graveyards are beautiful and with respect they are fascinating too. I remember being in a beautiful off the beaten track one in Devon with my kids when they were little and we had a lovely time finding the oldest and youngest people to die and reading the often poetic inscriptions and pondering the stories behind them. The sadnesses, the history, the love and respect and enjoying the prettiness, flora and quiet.

Julju · 19/11/2016 19:39

I think it's fine - you're clearly not going to let him trample on graves or misbehave so it's quite nice having a young, happy soul there!

Agree it's a good opportunity to talk to him about life and death, and why it's so important to respecting the graves (and will help in the future with respecting others generally).

We back into a graveyard and DS and I often look out over the graveyard and I talk to him about it, tho he's far too young to know what I'm on about yet. We watched some primary children from the local school there this week on a little trip out filling in worksheets and it was lovely to see them skipping around but actually reading the gravestones

DoneAndDustednow · 19/11/2016 19:40

I love my local cemetery. I often go there to read and we've had picnics there too.

My kids came with me often to my grandparents gravesend and they would play.
I would think it's a lovely place to live. But also use it as a teaching tool about respect and empathy for people who may be visiting the gravesend too.

SuperMumTum · 19/11/2016 19:40

arnosvale.org.uk/

SaltyBitch · 19/11/2016 19:42

SuperMum Arnod Vale looks lovely. What an incredible wedding venue!

5moreminutes · 19/11/2016 19:44

Ilivehedhehogs the are loads and loads! St Anne of Blackfriars is one... Loads of the green space in the square mile is ancient grave yards, carpeted with toe to toe young city workers eating Pret on a sunny simmer lunch time.

SuperMumTum · 19/11/2016 19:46

It's fantastic and the perfect place for kids to explore.

CharliePurple · 19/11/2016 19:55

It's disrespectful and dangerous. One of the graveyards near here has old graves which are collapsing, if children played there then they could easily end up trapped in a grave.

Ilovehedgehogs · 19/11/2016 20:13

I am confused, I thought we were talking about cemeteries/graveyards, not ancient burial sites.

Are those who proclaim what a super place it is to play taking any notice of the bereaved parents opinions on it? They have posted on this thread.

5moreminutes · 19/11/2016 20:20

The OP says old graves mostly from the 18th century Ilivehedhehogs

Graves of over 75 or 100 years old are totally different to recent graves IMO and that of many others, but some are saying it doesn't matter how old the graves are.

I am saying how old the graves are is absolutely the central issue - whether there will be mourners is what matters.

5moreminutes · 19/11/2016 20:21

Sorry Ilovehedgehogs didn't mean to mangle your name

Ilovehedgehogs · 19/11/2016 20:24

It's fine to mangle my name Grin. Yes I agree that the age makes a difference but if it's a graveyard still being visited and clearly presented as a graveyard then I think it's disrespectful to those visiting.

KittensWithWeapons · 19/11/2016 20:26

Yes, Ilovehedgehogs, we are. I originally posted that I'd have no problem with children running around a graveyard. Then I read the posts on this thread, and changed my mind, which I made clear in a previous post. I have taken on board the feelings of bereaved parents on this thread.

YellowCrocus · 19/11/2016 20:36

I think it's fine. Where we live we have a beautiful old graveyard that's very much accepted as a weekend walking spot. It's a really interesting place for a walk! If you find that you are disturbing mourners then maybe choose somewhere else. Otherwise I can't see the harm.

HopefulHamster · 19/11/2016 20:38

I live round the corner from a small graveyard that is mostly old graves, with a handful of newer ones. When my son was a tiny baby I used to go for walks around it to get him to sleep - it is full of interconnecting paths and very beautiful and peaceful. If it looked like he might cry I walked away.

I don't see the harm in enjoying the quiet beauty of these places, but anyone who's grieving must be given absolute priority. I wouldn't let my children play in the graveyard I mention above, now that they're older, but I might perhaps walk through it as a shortcut. I think it ultimately depends on the graveyard and how old it is.

Loungingbutnotforlong · 19/11/2016 20:38

Sometimes I go to my baby son's grave and cry my eyes out- I would feel sick to my stomach to see a toddler running about, even just on the path next to me. Other times I am feeling stronger and (more frequently as time goes on) I would smile to see a happy child enjoying life and being happy in the moment. I guess I am conflicted- fine for children to pass through a cemetery, but it really is not a park or a playground. All that 'circle of life' stuff is BS- get a dog!

Loungingbutnotforlong · 19/11/2016 20:40

Sorry- sounded very harsh about dogs. I agree with a previous poster- it feels pretty jagged for me that someone could read my son'a gravestone and use it as some sort of teaching opportunity!

AppleAndBlackberry · 19/11/2016 20:42

I think this is OK if the graveyard is closed to burial and has been for a long time (e.g. 50+ years). Not really ok for an active burial ground. I've buried a relative recently and I wouldn't have expected anyone to be there who wasn't visiting a grave, adult or child.

phlebasconsidered · 19/11/2016 20:58

I recently took my ks1 class to our church to investigate local history. We enjoyed the church building and the Rev. was very understanding of their enthusiasm. "Take them out to see the cemetary" he said. "Run around a bit". So we did. We spotted the oldest grave, the most common names, and the war graves. We spotted different plants and different types of stone.

If the Rev didn't have problems with it, why should anyone else? Most cemetaries attached to properties are defunct around the Victorian era. It's very unlikely that any recent mourners will be about. Get better to use and appreciate the space. Most large urban areas recognise this. Many actively encourage visitors.

Ilovehedgehogs · 19/11/2016 21:03

I don't think it's up to the rev to decide whether the relatives feel okay about it or not.

My BIL is a vicar and I disagree with him on lots of issues, in fact, I don't even think that he is a very nice man -but I digress Grin.

NoahVale · 19/11/2016 21:14

It's fine OP. Graveyards are beautiful and with respect they are fascinating too. I remember being in a beautiful off the beaten track one in Devon with my kids when they were little and we had a lovely time finding the oldest and youngest people to die and reading the often poetic inscriptions and pondering the stories behind them. The sadnesses, the history, the love and respect and enjoying the prettiness, flora and quiet.

the key word is QUIET.
what you describe above is perfectly reasonable I think but not what the OP described.

MaudesMum · 19/11/2016 21:18

I went to a pre-school in a Quaker meeting house - the school rented the upper rooms. The playground was basically the graveyard which was small but still in use. I came from a Quaker family so I was playing around the graves of my ancestors. I can't remember worrying about this at all and quite clearly the quakers didn't care. The school is now closed but it was still open when my grandfather was buried there. My Dad has now joined my Grandfather and when I go back to visit I like to think that I played there as a child.

Barbie222 · 19/11/2016 21:37

Hmmm I'd be a bit worried about vermin in a graveyard. I remember once renting a house next to one and being told exactly why "we can't put anything out for the birds in this street"....

bloodyteenagers · 19/11/2016 21:41

In London vermin is everywhere. I've regularly seen rats and mice on pavements. Never mind pigeons and squirrels. If we worried about it we would never go out.

BratFarrarsPony · 19/11/2016 21:43

yes I have seen dead rats lying by bins and live ones dancing on tube platforms...

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