DP archived Facebook messages...

[Libby34]

So I was on the laptop, on my partners fb (as I often am) and I know I shouldn't have but I went onto his archived messages. Nothing to do with trust issues I was genuinely just snooping. I found a message from a gf he had at 16 (it was dated a few years ago) and she basically said she needed to talk to him. His replies are like we're over I don't want to talk to you etc etc and she said I know you won't believe me but I need to talk to you about being pregnant. She then went on to say she'd had a scan and was having twins and they were his. His reply was no the dates don't add up, we weren't together then because that's the month you cheated on me so they're not mine (surely that means they were together then though??) and she just said we were together I know this because we did XY and Z on such a such date but if you don't want to be involved that's fine I'll let them know when they grow up. I went on to her profile and there is a picture of 2 kids who look about that age so the pregnancy must be true.

I have never heard anything of the sort. A total shock to me. I feel sick, I can't stop thinking about it.
Less of a AIBU but more of a WWYD? If I bring it up the argument will more likely turn into why were you snooping and not actually focus on what was said. I know I shouldn't have snooped but I did and TBH I really wish I hadn't

Was he with you during the time-frame of conception, or was it before you both got together?

No sorry should've mentioned that. This was before we got together.

Yes, were you two together then? How old are the children and how long was he with her?

Strange she didn't do a DNA test so she could get child maintenance.

The children would be about 5 now I think.

I'd leave well alone.

And don't open doors, when you might not like what's inside. We're all entitled to a past & you know what you did was wrong on every level

I know. I probably won't ever mention it to him, I guess it teaches me for snooping. I just can't get over how it ended, although they may have communicated another way? I want to ask him if there was a DNA test, how he knows for certain etc etc. If it has been left the way it looks (her claiming they're his, him saying no and her basically saying fine) I just can't believe it. How can that not be brought up? That's such a big thing. Very stressed. I'm so stupid.

Were you with him at the time, OP?

Oh sorry, just seen your earlier reply.

Oohh, no I didn't even know him at the time. It's not about infidelity at all - it's about how despondent his response to this woman was, and how he potentially has 2 children that he's never bothered with. And that he never mentioned to me that he potentially has 2 children.

Surely if they were his kids she would have pursued a DNA test and then maintenance? Has he his own account he could be paying maintenance from?
If she was sure they are his kids I can't believe she wouldn't have gone through the channels to get him to pay for them so if he isn't they probably aren't his.

I know all of his finances etc, I'm pretty confident to be able to say he doesn't pay her anything

Have you ever asked him if a girlfriend had got pregnant in the past?

Why don't you just message her and ask if they're his kids?

No. But I do remember us watching something where a girl found out her partner had a child from a previous relationship and I said how horrible that would be to not be told and how if it were me I'd probably leave him

Is that what you would do? However tempting that is I don't quite feel brave enough

Not all women chase CSA.

Dates of conception can be a huge window due to ovulating early or later than expected.

It's why it only a well educated due date which can be 2 weeks either side.

I couldn't rest until a DNA test rules out he was or not the biological father.

Don't message the woman for goodness sake, that's bad advice imo.

OP, I'd come clean with him. Tell him you came across the message and ask him about it.

If you don't, it will probably eat you up.

In all fairness if the father of a child of mine said "don't think it's mine" I would say "fine I shall proceed on that basis" and unless I was court ordered to I would be unlikely to ever contact them again.

This happened to my best friend. She got pregnant by a man had two kids with him which he now categorically denies despite the fact that he pays child support for them. Friend messages the new wife to fill her in and guess who's the loon apparently. No not the man that's pretended not to have two kids and rewritten his entire past, the woman on her own with two children.
OP I'd want to know what hell is going on here personally

would you like it if he was going through your archived messages?
Just asking.
Because if there is no trust, there is no relationship is there?

It also depends on how long you've been with him and whether this is likely to be a long term relationship where you want children together etc.

If you are not intending marrying or getting pregnant with this guy then I'd leave well alone. Otherwise, it might be worth shoehorning some quite specific questions into a general discussion about your future and whether you want children together.

Don't message her for the love of God. I'd own up, apologise for snooping but tell him he can talk to you without judgement. It's better you know just in case she contacts him further down the line. Don't snoop again.

I'd just tell him the truth and ask him if they're his. His lack of interest would make me want to leave him though. Especially if they turn out to be his kids and he had the chance to be a dad to them.

No, I'd have to ask him.

He should have done a paternity test to rule it out.

I ask because I could not have kids with a bloke who could/would potentially walk away from a child.

Just out of intrest op where are you based or where is the ex based?

I found out 3 years into a relationship (living together for 2.5) that my ex had a child that he had nothing to do with. The only reason he told me was because she had been in contact with him because she wanted another child and wanted them to have the same dad. We didn't last much longer after this news. I'm not the biggest fan of kids but I can't imagine how someone could turn their back on their own child, what if they are cold or hungry or poorly, or neglected, how could he live with himself for deciding not to care about that? He wasn't the man I thought he was.

I would own up and talk to him about it. It will be worse if you don't, it'll drive you mad thinking about it.