DP archived Facebook messages...

[Libby34]

So I was on the laptop, on my partners fb (as I often am) and I know I shouldn't have but I went onto his archived messages. Nothing to do with trust issues I was genuinely just snooping. I found a message from a gf he had at 16 (it was dated a few years ago) and she basically said she needed to talk to him. His replies are like we're over I don't want to talk to you etc etc and she said I know you won't believe me but I need to talk to you about being pregnant. She then went on to say she'd had a scan and was having twins and they were his. His reply was no the dates don't add up, we weren't together then because that's the month you cheated on me so they're not mine (surely that means they were together then though??) and she just said we were together I know this because we did XY and Z on such a such date but if you don't want to be involved that's fine I'll let them know when they grow up. I went on to her profile and there is a picture of 2 kids who look about that age so the pregnancy must be true.

I have never heard anything of the sort. A total shock to me. I feel sick, I can't stop thinking about it.
Less of a AIBU but more of a WWYD? If I bring it up the argument will more likely turn into why were you snooping and not actually focus on what was said. I know I shouldn't have snooped but I did and TBH I really wish I hadn't

There were only two photos I could see of the children and I couldn't see any resemblance. They're the spitting image of their mum from what I saw. I feel a lot calmer now, thank you all. I think I just freaked out for a bit - had all sorts of thoughts running through my head such as what poor children, what have they been told, is the man I love an asshole? What if they get in touch? Where would they sleep? Would I stay with him?

I'm going to go with that he was right and they're not his. It just seems so out of this world that he'd have two secret children. I know stranger things have happened but I love and trust my partner. I feel guilty for even doubting him for a second

I'd ask him about it, if he hasn't in the 6 years done a DNA test he can't be a good decent bloke can he?

My DC don't look like my DH DC1 looks like my brother, DC2 looks like me and DC3 is all my side of the family

Wow. And this is why it is so ingrained in our society that it's OK to have children and not bother with them. Bonkers.

I'd have to ask him if I were you. I couldn't live with that at the back of my mind.

Libby34 I'm sure the woman claiming they are his is just a pschyo slag eh ? No idea who the father is and just trying to pin it on some poor man, women do it all the time

Why wouldn't you ask him? Plenty of men abandon their children, I'm sure quite a number of them have family and friends who think they are the nicest guy in the world and would never do that. The ex not going to the CSA doesn't mean anything.

Well if he's sure she's cheated and they weren't together, why would he care about the children in his mind he knows they aren't his.

hiding this thread makes me so angry how naive some people are and how kids suffer as a result

Maybe he was sure they weren't his but as someone else pointed out, a lot of people get confused by due dates and when the conception must have taken place (I mean, there's basically an extra two weeks added on from before the woman is even pregnant!). Between that and the fact due dates are really just a rough guide, I don't think a 16 year old guy (or girl) would really have any idea.

So, if he hasn't actually had a DNA test I think there's still a chance he's the father even if he doesn't realise.

If I was thinking about having children, I'd want to know for sure if they had half siblings out there.

Pissedoff of course not but it was clear that she had cheated so it makes sense that she now knows who the father is as it's quite a few years later. I didn't say or insinuate she was a psycho slag at all

Could there be other messages later on where she tells him she had a paternity test and they weren't his.or a phone call after..maybe they phoned and sorted it out at a later date

Possibly. She may also have decided to go it alone. Assuming her family is supportive, she may have decided the hassle wasn't worth it. There is considerable advantage in genuine single parenting with no ex to mess you around.

I don't know, honestly. I think I would have to talk to him about it.

If he knows they aren't his then he didn't need to tell you about it. And I suppose that you did find out in a slightly dishonest way - but all the same, now you know, and if there's a chance that he might think they are his but is ignoring that, I don't think I could let that go. As PP said that is a huge thing to ignore about somebody's character.

I think I would have to come clean about reading the message and ask him genuinely what he thinks. He might have real reasons to think that they aren't his, in which case he hasn't done anything wrong. But if he isn't really sure, and his reaction was to run away and deny it, then...

I don't think you need to feel guilty about confronting him over this. It's not like you're accusing him of anything. You have just found out some information by mistake and you want to know what happened.

Tricky. In your situation I think I'd need to know, but in the event they're not kids I don't think he did any wrong by not telling you,

But say.. for whatever reason he was/is 100% these children are not his... should he have told me?

What would have been the point of this conversation - "My ex has twins, but they aren't mine", why would he have needed to bring that up?

I'd have to find out if it were true if I was serious about him. Emotions aside (i.e. Him possibly being a dad and not taking responsibility) if I were ever thinking of marriage/kids with him I'd want to know if any financial surprises might be coming on down the line.

It is definitely her business if they say have two kids themselves and then ex asks for maintenance for her two and money I thought was going to be for only our two kids was going to be split four ways! I subscribe to the 'family money' thing so then money I earned would be potentially going to4 ways well? Fine if I know about it and agree to it, but screw that if I don't!

I was with a guy who claimed I cheated on him and who claimed the kids (2) weren't his. I went for csa on the first, which he admitted, in the end. When my boy came along (not long after) I decided not to pursue as it would give him a leg to stand on if he ever wanted to pursue paternity through the courts (which he didn't). I decided to go it alone not because of family support, as I have none, but because I don't want that abusive arsehole in my life, nor my children's. He doesn't provide a penny for my kids, I do.

In your partners case,
It's perfectly feasible that they r not his kids but it's also perfectly feasible that they r.

he once laughed about how he was gutted because he never got a Tv box set of his back from her. That's literally all he's told me about her.

Hmm. I don't think he got a DNA test done... Otherwise it would make for a good anecdote - "My ex told me I was the father of her twins, thank God I got a DNA test done!"

Worryingly my first thought if this happened to me would be to track the girl down and befriend her, and covertly get samples of the kids dna (used drinks bottle etc) and then compare it to my DP's DNA. I watch too much TV.

Thing is if OP wanted to know/ DNA test, shed would have to admit to snooping and probably get no answers as just because a partner wants answers/ proof doesn't mean that a DNA test gets done. Even if OPs DP wanted a DNA test to prove he's not the father, the mother doesn't have to allow I can't see someone being able to go through the courts to prove they aren't the father when there's no expectation of him legally to be so.

What a prince. He potentially has two children that he's happy to turn his back on and you'd be ok with that?

You are kidding yourself about a future together if you can't have a conversation with him about this.