DP archived Facebook messages...

[Libby34]

So I was on the laptop, on my partners fb (as I often am) and I know I shouldn't have but I went onto his archived messages. Nothing to do with trust issues I was genuinely just snooping. I found a message from a gf he had at 16 (it was dated a few years ago) and she basically said she needed to talk to him. His replies are like we're over I don't want to talk to you etc etc and she said I know you won't believe me but I need to talk to you about being pregnant. She then went on to say she'd had a scan and was having twins and they were his. His reply was no the dates don't add up, we weren't together then because that's the month you cheated on me so they're not mine (surely that means they were together then though??) and she just said we were together I know this because we did XY and Z on such a such date but if you don't want to be involved that's fine I'll let them know when they grow up. I went on to her profile and there is a picture of 2 kids who look about that age so the pregnancy must be true.

I have never heard anything of the sort. A total shock to me. I feel sick, I can't stop thinking about it.
Less of a AIBU but more of a WWYD? If I bring it up the argument will more likely turn into why were you snooping and not actually focus on what was said. I know I shouldn't have snooped but I did and TBH I really wish I hadn't

He sounds like an irresponsible arsehole regardless of whether they're his kids or not. Agree with previous posters - the fact she hasn't pursued CSA means nothing. She more than likely is just sensible enough not to want anything else to do with him.

I never went to the CSA for maintenance for my DS from ExH & I was seriously struggling financially for many years. I'd think differently now, but at the time I didn't want his money.

I would definitely have to say something.

Could you say you thought you were logged into your Facebook and heard about the other messages folder and wanted to check it out and went in and saw her messages the realised you were still logged into his Facebook?

I couldnt carry on with someone who could potentially have twins and didn't even want to test to see if they were his. Crazy.

For all we know he did do a paternity test,or they didnt have sex for over a month as she cheated so he doesn't need to, or she knew it wasn't his as well but tried to say it was his as the guy she cheated with wasn't going to be a suitable father. We have very little facts here but all too many to assume he's a complete asshole...

People willing to assume*

There's no way I could pretend I hadn't seen something like that. The likelihood is that they're not his, but there's also a chance they are. I'd have to know that a paternity test had been done. If not, why?

I would just be honest and tell him you've seen it.

How old is your DH now?

My ex denied his kids for years. Some
people just don't deserve to be parents.

OP to save your own arse, I would say, ermmm why did I get a text to say you had 5 year old twins with xxxx??!!!!

His reaction will tell you all you need to know.
I have no idea how you could stay in a relationship with him without knowing the truth!

Doesn't sound from those messages like he was willing to do a paternity test which I would say makes him an asshole. Unless he did a complete U-turn which I would hazard a guess he didn't bother his backside.

As for the possibility the ex tried to say it was his as the guy she cheated with wasn't going to be a suitable father. What and the OP's partner seemed like he was going to be a great dad when he wasn't even interested in finding out if they were his kids?

That's a little obvious isn't it ?

He may be nice, decent and 100% certain they're not his. That doesn't make it 100% certain they're not.

Exactly how much does he know about gestational dating, and conception, eh? Many women aren't too clear on how it works, and it's their bodies. He wouldn't be the first man to falsely conclude an ex's baby was the OM's because it fitted in with what he wanted to believe. Circumstantial evidence like "she never got pregnant before she cheated, so..." and "she hardly went near me" gets used.

As for the possibility the ex tried to say it was his as the guy she cheated with wasn't going to be a suitable father. What and the OP's partner seemed like he was going to be a great dad when he wasn't even interested in finding out if they were his kids?

Except before she tried she couldn't guarantee how he'd react and let's not pretend that you can't tell that in certain circumstances one person would be better parental material than others say somebody from a privileged background or stable job compared to someone you find out is abusive after the fact or have issues with drugs/ alcohol or even personality wise people make judgements.

We have little information but the information we were given that they didn't have sex, but she did have sex at least once in that time period with another person is being ignored because of personal prejudice

Yes a lot of men do have a problem with counting 9 months.
Certainly my es x husband did.

A friend started going out with a guy who told her he had two 'potential' children, different mothers. He had nothing to do with them. I just could not be with someone like that. She married him.

Ok fair point Louis but even if the ex was lying wouldn't the decent thing to do in his case be at least to take a DNA test to determine that either way? Obviously we don't know for sure if he did but from the evidence available it certainly doesn't seem like that happened.

Brat My father told the CSA I wasn't his at one point. Funny that he was happy to sign the birth certificate then... [hmmm]

Conception dates are confusing, he may not understand them properly. Also due dates are just a guide, i know exactly when my baby was conceived however the 12 week scan put me a week ahead. That could be enough to convince someone who doesn't understand that, that a baby isn't theirs!

I definitely couldn't leave this.

So if it was his girlfriend at 16, and they're 5yo twins - that means she had those twins at 16 by herself, he is now 21 and has nothing to do with kids that might be his, hasn't taken steps to rule it out either way. You have been snooping through his archived messages and using his Facebook is normal? This all sounds really weird and immature. Tell him you've snooped and find out if he ditched his kids. You don't want to spend your life with someone you clearly don't trust, you say you do but you wouldn't have snooped, and who may or may not have ditched his 16yo girlfriend with twins?

It does happen a lot more than people realise. Men having kids they deny or jsut ignore...
My DH has a brother him and his siblings don't know about (DH knows now as I told him, MIL told me years ago and asked me not to tell them!). FIL got a lady pregnant just before he got with MIL but never had anything to do with the child or paid anything toward him. DH wasn't bothered when I told him, but for me it certainly affected how I see my FIL.
My biological father refused to be on my birth certificate and never paid anything towards my upbringing, we are in touch but not close...
My youngest sister doesn't know her Dad's surname, he was a short fling and then ran off back to his ex and had another baby shortly after. Sister would love to find him, but he had our address and could have contacted and didn't.
Men seem to leave kids all over the place, in my experience anyway!

I couldn't be with a man who had ditched his kids, I'd have to find out. It's disgusting how many men get away with abandoning their children, and responsibilities, vile.

My twins father has nothing to do with them. His now wife and family have no idea of their existence. I have not pursued him for maintenance. I thought he was a decent man, but I was wrong.
I would want to know the truth as if he has been ignoring his children, he probably isn't the sort of man I want to be with.

My dad also denied me, however not straight away! He was married to my mum, they were getting divorced however I was conceived while they were in the process of getting the divorce (his unreasonable behaviour). They stayed friends and he was there when I was born and while I was a small baby. Then he met a new woman and conveniently decided that I wasn't his child, never paid any maintenance for me or had anything to do with me ever after. I met him for the first time 5 years ago as he had just split up with this woman, he admitted to me straight away that he always knew I was his. We tried to build a relationship for a while however his true colours came out when he met lady who was set to be wife number 3! The mind boggles. I don't know how some men (and women) sleep at night!

Not a chance I could be with someone who had nothing to do with their children.

We do not know she had sex with another person, we know he thinks she did.

If I had a penny sweet for every times ive heard the 'she cheated' line when the translation is 'I'm jealious controlling and have decided she did for no good reason' I would be fucking huge

Well from the information we have she supposedly cheated on him and a suggestion that's why they split, but we can't rely on this information ( mostly all the information in the OP) but let's believe made up scenarios and ifs and buts as to whether he discovered his paternity and his moral character over information posters are making up in trheir head