DP archived Facebook messages...

[Libby34]

So I was on the laptop, on my partners fb (as I often am) and I know I shouldn't have but I went onto his archived messages. Nothing to do with trust issues I was genuinely just snooping. I found a message from a gf he had at 16 (it was dated a few years ago) and she basically said she needed to talk to him. His replies are like we're over I don't want to talk to you etc etc and she said I know you won't believe me but I need to talk to you about being pregnant. She then went on to say she'd had a scan and was having twins and they were his. His reply was no the dates don't add up, we weren't together then because that's the month you cheated on me so they're not mine (surely that means they were together then though??) and she just said we were together I know this because we did XY and Z on such a such date but if you don't want to be involved that's fine I'll let them know when they grow up. I went on to her profile and there is a picture of 2 kids who look about that age so the pregnancy must be true.

I have never heard anything of the sort. A total shock to me. I feel sick, I can't stop thinking about it.
Less of a AIBU but more of a WWYD? If I bring it up the argument will more likely turn into why were you snooping and not actually focus on what was said. I know I shouldn't have snooped but I did and TBH I really wish I hadn't

I'd give it a stiff ignoring. They both seem happy with the arrangements, ergo it's none of your business.

Snooping without a cause is a dick move.

Because you've heard no more about it and she hasn't pressed him for CSA and he (presumably) isn't paying without you knowing, then she has found out the other man is the father. Unless she is very well off she would have chased your partner by now as she would struggle financially with 2 kids. I think it's reasonable to assume they're not his.

If you want to poke the wasp nest some more say you'd seen this girls FB page via a mutual friend and wondered if the kids on it could possibly be DPs as they were together then?

I can't believe that so many of the previous posts seem to imply that this is no big deal and/or that this is something that can and should have been swept under the carpet. It would completely transform my view of a person to discover that they had never taken responsibility for children that could well be theirs. It is possible that they had further communication by other means that means he does know they're not his, but I think you do need to find out whether this is the case; as you suggest, the evidence you have so far casts him in a pretty unpleasant light.

He probably genuinely believes they're not his children and that's why he's never brought it up, as far as he's concerned there's nothing to tell. I'd keep quiet, it's his past and his business. He'd likely be livid you snooped his messages and all that would be achieved is that he's lose his trust in you, put it out of your mind and don't snoop again.

I think it would be difficult to ask him because it shows him you are nosy ( I am too so not judging) and that you also belive a random stranger and not him. She might be a complete bunny boiler and you don't want to go there.

I think it depends if you are serious about him or not.

I sense a lack of trust there and dought or why would you snoop and half belive?

I would approach him about it and fess up that I'd been snooping - only because I know if I didn't I'd probably blurt it out in a drunken fit at some point in the future, and any kind of sensible conversation about the subject would then be ruled out.

Once the dust had settled I'd definitely encourage him to have a dna test too - these things need clarity early on. Any doubt will only niggle away at him (and you).

We're all entitled to a past & you know what you did was wrong on every level

That may be true, but maybe the OP has a problem being with a man who could just walk away from his potential dc's without a care.

I think it could be a relationship ending conversation OP, so think carefully before bringing it up. Personally, I think I'd be willing to risk it...

I couldn't rest until a DNA test rules out he was or not the biological father.

His ex might rather be left alone than have him suddenly pop up because his current partner wants to see him do the right thing. If he doesn't have any personal interest in his dc's it's probably for the better he stays away.

He could rightfully call you nosy. But you could call him a feckless callous arsehole who walked away from his responsibilities, it would be impossible for him to hold any moral high ground over you!

He could rightfully call you nosy. But you could call him a feckless callous arsehole who walked away from his responsibilities, it would be impossible for him to hold any moral high ground over you!

What if they're not his kids?

I'd leave it, I presume she found out that he's not the father.

I would have to come clean. You say the conversation would be about you snooping but he has a right to make the conversation about that - it is potentially a bigger deal than him not telling you about the twins because he doesn't really owe you anything in relation to the possible past pregnancy.

I can't believe that so many of the previous posts seem to imply that this is no big deal and/or that this is something that can and should have been swept under the carpet. It would completely transform my view of a person to discover that they had never taken responsibility for children that could well be theirs. It is possible that they had further communication by other means that means he does know they're not his, but I think you do need to find out whether this is the case; as you suggest, the evidence you have so far casts him in a pretty unpleasant light.

I agree with ^ this completely. Really shocked by a lot of the responses.

But say.. for whatever reason he was/is 100% these children are not his... should he have told me? I guess if he's certain then why would he? I know quite a lot of his history with a different ex but nothing of this one really other than the area they lived and he once laughed about how he was gutted because he never got a Tv box set of his back from her. That's literally all he's told me about her. I'd assumed because they were so young it wasn't that serious so there wasn't much to tell. He knows absolutely nothing of my ex, he doesn't want to know. So maybe he thinks I'd rather not know? Arghhhhhh

I would leave it be - it's none of your business. You have no way of knowing if there was any further communication between them - the poor guy is being vilified on here with zero proof that he did actually walk away. They may have met in person and resolved the situation - he may know for definite they are nit his children in which case he has done absolutely nothing wrong.
If you know him well enough that you have no lack of trust issues, then give him the benefit of the doubt that the situation was sorted.

He is such a decent guy, literally the nicest person I know. I can't imagine him doing something like this, but then he was a child himself at the time. I think I'm going to leave it. I'm sure he would have told me if it were true.

If you "come clean" and ask him directly, isn't he likely to just say to you what he said to her i.e. "they can't be mine, that was the month she cheated on me and we weren't sleeping together then". You might be no closer to the truth but it could wreck your relationship if he then gets cross about the snooping.

I don't know what you should do, but I'm just not sure you'd even get any further by asking him. Either he doesn't know, or he does know (had DNA test) but doesn't want to discuss it, clams up, is annoyed you snooped his FB... I'm not sure what you'd gain. Everyone is assuming you'd get a straight or truthful answer or he knows more than the messages suggest. Even if he did, would he tell you?

My friend has been swept under the carpet, can you even begin to imagine how she feels having two kids with a man who denies their existence ?

It's not going to end well.
If you say nothing it'll pick at you and you'll wonder if he's the kind of bloke who can disown his kids. It's a fair bet that you'll go fishing for more info.
If you ask him straight then you'll have to live with his reaction to being with a person who thinks his private past is hers to poke around in and that she therefore doesn't trust him.

If he is utterly convinced that they are not his though, then as far as he is concerned he hasn't walked away from his potential children.
Although I have to admit that if I was a man and someone came to me claiming their dc were mine, I'd want a dna test anyway. But he might have no idea how pg dates work (how many of us really do before we have our first dc?) and be totally convinced it isn't even a possibility.

Why were you on his Facebook anyway?

I was surprised by what I recently found out about the supposedly kindest, most respectable and responsible bloke in relation to DCs .
Saying he was a child himself is a daft excise. He's not a child now

I might be tempted to talk generally about children, ask if there's ever been any close brushes with a pregnancy when younger... brought around by talking about (say) surrogacy, adoption, sperm donation (helpful if there was a soap or documentary or drama series where it comes up) and wonder what people think if they are surprised with a baby they didn't know they had later in life? etc.

I agree that he must be certain these children are not his so why would he say anything? Just because an ex tries it on with him in the hope he will pay up without asking for a Dna test doesn't mean there's anything to hide.

If he is as nice and decent as you say then I'm sure he would not turn his back on his own children. You have to trust him on this.

It doesn't sound like you can let it go, so I think you have to ask him.

Personally, if he was as good a person as you say I would assume the kids weren't his and he knew it. It makes the most sense, judging by the messages you found.

You're all right. I've had my five minutes of uncertainty but I know he'd tell me if they were.

Do these kiddies look like him at all OP? Check out photos of him as a nipper, that's a tell a lot of the time.