DP archived Facebook messages...

[Libby34]

So I was on the laptop, on my partners fb (as I often am) and I know I shouldn't have but I went onto his archived messages. Nothing to do with trust issues I was genuinely just snooping. I found a message from a gf he had at 16 (it was dated a few years ago) and she basically said she needed to talk to him. His replies are like we're over I don't want to talk to you etc etc and she said I know you won't believe me but I need to talk to you about being pregnant. She then went on to say she'd had a scan and was having twins and they were his. His reply was no the dates don't add up, we weren't together then because that's the month you cheated on me so they're not mine (surely that means they were together then though??) and she just said we were together I know this because we did XY and Z on such a such date but if you don't want to be involved that's fine I'll let them know when they grow up. I went on to her profile and there is a picture of 2 kids who look about that age so the pregnancy must be true.

I have never heard anything of the sort. A total shock to me. I feel sick, I can't stop thinking about it.
Less of a AIBU but more of a WWYD? If I bring it up the argument will more likely turn into why were you snooping and not actually focus on what was said. I know I shouldn't have snooped but I did and TBH I really wish I hadn't

Knowing he abandoned two kids would be a deal breaker for me. I would have to ask just to know.

I'd have to find out the truth.
I think I'd tell him that i had been contacted and told he has twins and gauge his reaction.

because every 16 year old or parents of 16 year olds can afford a few 100 for a paternity test? hell we don't even know if his parents know/ knew.

because every 16 year old or parents of 16 year olds can afford a few 100 for a paternity test?

The excuses are becoming very thin now! If they were his, it seems his ex of the same age had to find the money to feed and clothe two babies without any input at all from their father. That wouldn't have been at all easy...

its not really an excuse but a valid reason. its not like i'm saying he couldn't finish tidying his room as he had leg cramp. i know compared to my friends i had a semi privileged lifestyle, but i know i couldn't have afforded it at 16, nor anybody i know/ knew.

he said they didn't have sex around the time the baby was meant to be conceived, the mother said they did something, now we don't know what that is but i don't see why OP wouldn't just say sex if thats what the message said, she mentioned her dp saying sex just a few words before, so i don't know why she wouldn't.

and we all know raising a baby is hard especially at that age, but theres often more support for a pregnant/ single mother than a boy protesting a child isn't his, especially in terms of benefits (which again we know aren't great but its something) or family support. we literally know too little to make any judgements.

I can't see what choice OP has anyway: sure she can say she snooped and leaving your ex girlfriend pregnant would mean she still had the moral high ground, but he may have taken a paternity test and she loses that ground, he may not have but the other person did and people are saying they'd need him to take one now, well as i've said up thread its not really down to him is it? he wouldn't be on the birth certificate so no legal rights, and the woman is seemingly content/happy/ determined to do it without him now not to chase it up.

it would be cruel to insert himself back in their lives just to try and prove he isn't their dads, thats if she even allowed it. Would you allow an ex who abandoned you, let you do a paternity test for the purpose to prove he isn't the dad? sure if you were 100% sure maybe as a screw you i was right but then you would have to weigh up that you could be wrong and for some having that determination to do well for the child even though his dad had abandoned him is extremely motivating i would imagine although it shouldn't happen in the first place.

if he did want to be involved it must be extremely tough to then know you were right and not believed and going through the hardship of being a single parent to potentially not having sole parental rights to the children, and confusing to the children themselves. its a whole can of worms that it ends

Oh God. I don't envy you this one 😖

Maybe you're writing s book, who knows, anyway, it's an interesting thing to debate & read others POV.

Me - I don't do 'not knowing'. Anything. Ever. After finding out various things I'd rather not have known, I tried to adopt the stance of 'Don't ask anything you aren't prepared to hear the answer to - and not like it'. I still use it sometimes, but mostly came to the conclusion that at some stage there will be fall out from whatever you it is, so it might as well be now. It niggles away at me anyway!

People keep saying there must be 'trust issues' anyway for you to be snooping. Pah. They clearly don't get that some of us are just plain old nosy!! 😬

I would have to say something

• because it would gnaw at me until I'd dragged it out in to the open & dissected it.

• because I couldn't be with a bloke who could be so seemingly blasé about it. I know he was young then, but even so.

• because I couldn't cope with waiting for the knock on the door one day.

I think I'd just say 'I've just read a message to you from 'ExGF', I'm floored by the fact she thinks you are her twins Dad. That's pretty massive. How come you never told me.?' And see what he says. If he asks how/why you read it etc calmly say 'We can discuss that later, right now I need to know why you didn't tell me and what happened'. If he keeps on about snooping etc, just say to him 'With a couple of children out there that could be yours, how I found out, other than directly from YOU as I should have, is not the most important issue, stop deflecting'

Twins usually come early so for a 16 year old boy to successfully count back to the exact month they were conceived is pretty impressive, not to mention convenient.

It strikes me from the wording that this wasn't the first conversation they had about it. It sounds like a follow-up conversation. So they had previously talked and likely she gave him the exact dates. I'd imagine that she told him when she found out she was expecting, and then talked again when her scan revealed twins at the bare minimum. He might have even gone to some of the scans and the way the dates are configured about 2 weeks before conception maybe got it into his head that she had cheated. It sounds like he was adamant and she gave up trying to convince him and decided to go it alone. I think my pride would make me do the same and not ask him for a penny.

I think I'd have to know for sure if I were you. How you'd go about that I don't really know. The way I see it is that you have 2 options - ask him, or contact her.

You could tell her that you have no intention of disrupting her or her children's lives (for all you know she might have an amazing DP who is to all intents and purposes their DF) But, that you couldn't be with someone who would deny their children and that is why you would like to know - before you have children of your own with him.

Best of luck with it.

I would have to know. I wouldn't want a future or children with a man who doesn't give two shits if he has two children.

If it turns out he didn't have a DNA test done or the mum admitted she was lying I would leave him like a shot.

This will eat away at your relationship anyway. You will always wonder and if you have your own kids you will wonder if he will abandon them.

I am shocked so many people would brush it under the carpet.

or the mum didn't admit*

Op I'm really confused, he had a gf at 16 who said she was pregnant and now has five year old twins? In between or before he had another ex you know about? So he's 21? Ish?

How long have you been together and has he ever mentioned this gf before? Or been a bit odd about previous gfs?

I'd have to mention this, you can't always wonder.

It sounds like he was adamant and she gave up trying to convince him and decided to go it alone

Yep pretty much what Jiggl said. It just doesn't say much for his character, whatever reason/excuse for him not taking the test and/or basically putting the whole thing out of his head. I couldn't trust or be with someone until I knew the whole story on this. OP seems to have disappeared though so I'm guessing she's of the same mindset of brushing it under the rug.

This statement from louis though, seriously??

theres often more support for a pregnant/ single mother than a boy protesting a child isn't his

Yeah ok then. Poor boy who has no complete disruption to his life or body while shouldering the entire responsibility alone. That is a laughable observation.

Except taking one sentence out of a 3 paragraph answer and misconstruing what I said would do that... when I'm talking about monetary support, I don't believe you can get benefits or a grant for a paternity test and emotionally I imagine a lot of people as shown on this thread under little information just decide he's being a scum bag trying to get away from his responsibilities. I'm not saying the mother had it easier than him but let's pretend it's logistically easy for a 16 year old boy to spend £100s on a paternity test.

And again we don't know if he's the father so if he's right her body changing and the disruption to her life is nothing to do with him.

We don't know if he's the father you're right because in 5 years it seems like he hasn't scraped together 100 quid for a test! Or summoned up an hour or less of his time to care by sounds of it. Like I think a previous posts said isn't it something he would have mentioned? E.g. "wow once i was almost the dad of twins but turns out when I did the DNA test they weren't mine." Wouldn't that have come up at least once as a conversation?

Er, single mums under 18 can't even claim child benefit in their own names...

It doesn't seem like anything we don't know enough to speculate either way, and it's not like a haha I remember the time this happened story, most of the time I hear about stuff like this men feel like the woman was trying to trick them, so maybe in his head " I remember that time when my girlfriend cheated on me got pregnant and tried to trick me saying I was the father" isn't exactly a story I imagine he wants to relive and recount to everyone he meets. It probably counts towards a "Crazy ex" story but again not everyone likes bad mouthing ex's to people.

You're speculating about a scenario to put him in a bad light through no evidence, it's just as easy to speculate he did take a paternity test, him saying it's not his the dates don't add up because that's when you cheated" doesn't indicate his willingness to take a paternity test in the last 5 years at all, at most it indicates that he was not going to willingly accept he was the father just at her say so , which with a history of cheating around the time of conception and apparently according to him they didn't have sex around that time, isn't exactly an unreasonable stance to take IMO. according to the mother they did XYZ which is very ambiguous because OP mentioned sex before but not when the ex girlfriend spoke.

Ok Tara but we know the boyfriend was 16 no indication of the mothers age

There's an awful lot of projecting in the last few pages.

How about saying someone emailed/ rang u anonymously and told you he had twins?
He could then either deny it and you'd get the opportunity to ask him if he had done a dna test to make sure.
Personally I'd need to know x

Er, single mums under 18 can't even claim child benefit in their own names

I did, I was 17

Sorry but you have to have it out with him or you will be spending your life wondering! He's kept this from you and it's out of order I would feel sick TBH and fuck him off.

We don't even know how long they've been together

I doubt we'll find out either Louis as no sign of the OP for a while. There probably are scenarios where a woman tries to "trick" a guy he's the father (as he's such an amazing catch or whatever ). But I would estimate they are far outnumbered by the ones where a man is too selfish to take any responsibility and chooses the easier option. Obviously we don't have enough evidence either way but I know what option i'd bet on.