Does the guilt of being a working mother ever go away??

[Steelojames]

I am a single parent (dad no access) and went back to work full time when my daughter was one.
She is now three and I have gone down to four days a week (in education so job very very demanding). I planned to do this to initially spend the day with her but most times I send her to day care on this day off so i can have the day to myself and actually spend the day sorting out house so free's up weekend for me and her etc.
A friend of a friend today said something which made me question my decision to work full time, along the lines of being surprised that I worked full time with a child sooo young.
I now feel guilty! I feel guilt for sending her in to day care for five days & guilty for spending the day off to myself.....
After Xmas I've booked us some toddler classes to make it out day etc but hen plan to send her to nursery half day as really need some time to myself as don't get on weekends. I don't plan to be a sahm and with only my income I can't afford it and don't really think id enjoy it.
We have very active weekends, managing household, going out, visiting family etc so we do spend as much time together as we can etc.
Just want some reassurance that I'm doing the right thing.

You are a much better Mum having a bit of time to yourself!

Can't everyone stop with the cheesy motivational meme stuff on both sides?

A break is great and OP shouldn't feel bad (especially about what is mainly a housework day) AT ALL, but who says that parents who 'get a break' are automatically better parents?!

I'm sure there are fab SAHMs who never get any time off.

The generalising and facile point scoring is so puerile.

We are a 2 parent household and both work full time + run a business.

it's exhausting, tiring, and bloody hard work, shame of your "friend"

Agree Manimission, I can't stand it when posters soothe the OP by slating the people doing the opposite. It's just as bad as the comments OP is getting from her family/friends.

It's a case of you can't win. Your friend needs to keep her nose out, unless of course. She's going to keep you and your little one.
I've never felt guilty going out to work. I mean who else was going to pay my bills and mortgage.
However nor would I have a pop at sahm. It's a personal choice, isn't it.

How guilty does your DD's Dad feel? He should be taking that burden for you.

I worked FT from DD being 4 months. Never a moment of guilt.

I'm 2 months back to full time after having dd2 who is just turned 1. When I say I've come back full time people look as if I'm crazy & I often get "did you need to....."

Well yes is the answer but only for my sanity!! I'm defo not a sahm, while I enjoyed my maternity leave I was itching to get back to work. When I went back after dd1 I worked part time initially & I hated it because I found it really hard to get into a routine & it felt like I didn't know what was going on anywhere. Now I work Tuesday - Saturday so we have our Sunday as a family day & get the shopping etc done when dd1 is at nursery on Monday morning leaving the afternoon free. Between drop offs, pickups & all the chores that need done I'm always on the go on a work day but I'm really enjoying it. Don't feel guilty - you need to do what's right for you!

Ignore that mother who said you should feel guilty. You are doing your best to raise your DC. Money makes parenting a lot easier (plus there is a positive correlation between household income and outcomes of DC) and you should be very proud that you are able to work 4 days a week.

I have come to learn just how many SAHM are stuck in the role because they don't earn enough to cover the cost of childcare. I would bet the lady who said something is stuck in that position (or they are just a nasty cow).

Forget the guilt - you are supporting yourself and your daughter, an independent and fine role model for your daughter. What are you supposed to do - live off benefits? Wouldn't you be subjected to opprobrium for that? Live off a man?

Women need to get over judging each other - its says more about your friend than you. Men do it! I worked 4 days a week until I went full time when my DCs were 6 and 4. I now have a brilliant career that I love, which is rewarding and intellectually stimulating and when my DCs flee the nest I will have a good and fulfilling life unlike your friend.

The guilt does go away. My daughter told her father 'When I grow up I want to be just like mummy. Be a boss at work, have lots of friends and be a lovely mummy.'

I find the guilt of working less than the guilt of not having enough money to pay the bills, buy them the stuff they need, do the out of school activities and school trips they want to do and fund them going to university.

No. the child is at uni and I missed her visit last week as I was working...

Great friend youve got there OP

I think sadly mothers are almost programmed to feel some degree of guilt for doing the totally normal thing of going to work.

For me, any residue of guilt finally disappeared when my children all reached adulthood and I could fully see they were emotionally well adjusted adults who had achieved well at school/uni/workplace, made good life choices and formed good relationships. It completely hits you then that this is what really matters, and to have maintained a career as
Well is a bonus.

Sadly a minority of people (mostly women) will resent you raising a well adjusted child while working...... if women who don't work are secure in their choice, they won't mind that your child will be just as happy, clever etc as their's.

Of course you are entitled to time to yourself, incidentally you aren't actually having you time, it sounds like you're doing housework mostly! It must be very challenging working full time and being a single parent. Everyone is right, you have to do what is right for your family. People comment without thinking, they are not walking in your shoes so have no idea what life is really like for you.

I've worked full time since my ds was 6mths and dd was 3mths. Never felt any blanket guilt, just the occasional moment when work and children's needs clashed, which of course they did from time to time.

I was lucky to work in a supportive environment with lots of women most of whom had children and no one ever said anything about me working as it was pretty much the norm. I did get the occasional comment from some of the women in my antenatal group (they were mostly SAHM with wealthy/higher earning partners) which was a bit irritating but just showed we had different approaches to life. So I stopped hanging out with them.

One thing I have noticed as my children have got older is that while you can tell those that come from supportive loving families and those that don't, you really can't tell the difference between those that went to childcare and those that were mostly cared for at home.

OP stop feeling guilty, you love and care for your dd, and you are working hard to make sure she has a happy life. You are also contributing to society in other ways, which she may not necessarily appreciate, but I am sure other people do.

Your "friend" is an arse.
You didn't feel guilty before she attacked your self confidence. Ignore her and disengage with her.

You are a single parent with no support. You don't have the luxury of choosing to earn nothing or just have a few hours a week job for variety whilst still enjoying a nicely supported affluent lifestyle. Maybe you could have chosen to live on benefits for longer but making ends meet on that kind of income is not easy and would have consequences that are entirely reasonable to avoid if you can.

Your child is loved and well cared for. When you can't be the grownup that she is with yourself, you are working to provide her with a home and food and books and clothes etc etc so you are still "looking after her" 24/7 - just 30ish hours a week out of 168 you are doing so indirectly.

When my kids were young I remember talking with another mum (a SAHM - I was/am freelance and worked from home) about a mutual friend, a teacher, who had gone back to work full time when her daughter was a few months old. She had a very supportive family network and a great daycare nursery. I was completely gobsmacked when the other mun said "I can't understand why you'd have children if you don't want to bring them up".

I wish I'd said what I thought at the time, which was: It's none of your business, she's a great mum, and the baby is absolutely fine, so butt out with your opinions. But I was too shocked/polite to do so. It was the first time I'd experienced another mum talking like that.

Wordsmith - my (usually unspoken) response to that sort of comment is: I wonder why you bothered getting an academic education if you weren't going to use it.

Quite apart from the financial security of both parents working (or its one if there is only one), it sets a great example to kids of standing on your own two feet and being financially responsible for yourself if you can be. It also means that my life revolves around more than just the village and the school mum community (thank goodness) - it does mean I don't have time to join the school mums at their exercise classes or to help serve drinks at class events and discos. But I'll live!

There's no right or wrong, you've just got to try to do what you think is best for both you and your daughter.

It sounds like you have a good balance as having one day a week not working/DD at daycare frees up your whole weekend.

If being a SAHM works for you and your family, great. If being a working parent works for you and your family, great. Everyone is in the same boat struggling along, trying to do their best.

My DS goes to nursery two days a week from 7am-5pm and yesterday my friend said, "That's such a long day for them, there's no way I would ever put my child in nursery for that long!"

This coming from a woman whose parents provide half her childcare for free. I couldn't help but snap back and tell her that we don't all have family on hand to look after our children for us!

She really, really pissed me off!

I'm having a day st home alone today whilst DS is at nursery due to the way my shifts have fallen this week but having some time alone won't make me a "better mother" but nor do I feel guilty about it.

sounds like you have a good balance - its really important and impressive I think to take a day off for you and also to get on top of things. In that sense you are already working part time at your main paying job but spending the extra day at home on the Friday investing in homelife which is also important.

As you are a single mum with v little help - it must be more difficult to get jobs/admin etc done when your child is around at 3 years old. So having her in daycare on a Friday allows you that catch up time so you don't appear frantically stressed on the time you spend with her. I, on the other hand stupidly didn't make that call and work 5 days a week and run myself ragged trying to do a full time job with 2 kids and all the organisation that goes with it. Far better to carve out some time for you - you need it. So do all Mums. We need that time to get back on top so we can care properly for our families. And thats what you are doing. But its not what anyone else says that should matter - its how you feel and how your child feels. Perhaps if you do want that extra time with her - you could spend say half a day one Friday a month and just do a special treat or trip with her or even just a half day playing in a park/field/making stuff. Pick her up a bit early. Not sure if that will knock her routine tho so guess you need to decide. But please don't feel guilty for doing your best to provide for your family.

OP- also worth remembering that your 'friend' will either have had a worthwhile career which she enjoyed before giving it up, in which case she sounds resentful that she's felt she's had to sacrifice something whereas you haven't.

OR she had just a job rather than a career, or perhaps didn't like/ wasn't very successful in her work life, in which case giving it up was hardly a difficult based on her beliefs about parenting, but more an opt out of something she didn't want to do!

People who are secure in their choice- whether that's giving up a career because they genuinely feel they want to look after their child all the time, or giving up a job because staying home is preferable- don't tend to make snidey remarks. They are happy with their decision and it doesn't bother them that others do things differently

hardly a difficult decision

I don't feel guilty. I can't even really fathom why I would, or should.

I'm a writer. My 5 year old daughter wants to be one too, only she wants illustrate her books too.

If I had spent the first five years of her life, just the two of us, staring at each other endlessly through long days, would that possibility be on her horizon?

Probably not.

I love my job. It's really important to my sense of self-worth. I'd never feel guilty about that.

Jesus @jellywitch, that comment about education is every bit as bad. Sad state of affairs when all education is valuable for is to earn money. It's never wasted as a SAHP as you're your kids main educator. Why should it be valuable for their teacher to be educated but not you as their primary carer? Never mind the fact that you might return to the workforce at some point in the future, or the other benefits an education brings (life doesn't solely boil down to work).
And don't even get me started on the statement on what a sahp's life revolves around - what utter, condescending crap! It's this type of nonsense that pits mothers against each other; such a shame.

PS - I'm not SAHP so can't be accused of being defensive over my choices :) just hate seeing such crap spewed as a counter-argument to crap of another type!

Single mum to an 11month old working full time and haven't ever felt guilty. Why would I?

I just don't understand why women are made to feel guilty for doing the best they can for their families. If you work then great, if not, then fantastic. Whatever a mother does I'm sure is in the best interest of their family. So don't feel any guilt at all.

I don't work by the way and I don't feel guilty at all. I am a housewife since having my children and absolutely love it, I am not defined by it and enjoy it, but I don't judge those who do not and want to or have to work just as I refuse to be judged for not working!! Each to their own, give your friend a good telling off for her silly comment!!