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Original poster

Does the guilt of being a working mother ever go away??

135 replies

Steelojames · 15/11/2016 20:00

I am a single parent (dad no access) and went back to work full time when my daughter was one.
She is now three and I have gone down to four days a week (in education so job very very demanding). I planned to do this to initially spend the day with her but most times I send her to day care on this day off so i can have the day to myself and actually spend the day sorting out house so free's up weekend for me and her etc.
A friend of a friend today said something which made me question my decision to work full time, along the lines of being surprised that I worked full time with a child sooo young.
I now feel guilty! I feel guilt for sending her in to day care for five days & guilty for spending the day off to myself.....
After Xmas I've booked us some toddler classes to make it out day etc but hen plan to send her to nursery half day as really need some time to myself as don't get on weekends. I don't plan to be a sahm and with only my income I can't afford it and don't really think id enjoy it.
We have very active weekends, managing household, going out, visiting family etc so we do spend as much time together as we can etc.
Just want some reassurance that I'm doing the right thing.

OP posts:
user1471461752 · 15/11/2016 20:33

You are doing your best and if that means you need one day child free to get housework done and have some me time. Then so be it. It's not wrong. You matter too. You also have the weekend together. Nothing wrong with what you're doing at all.

ToothPowder · 15/11/2016 20:40

Honestly, I don't get the 'maternal guilt is inevitable' thing, and I don't know anyone who does. I didn't suddenly get a personality transplant and start to consider my career as optional the second I had a child, any more than DH did. Being a SAHM has literally never occurred to me as a thing I might do

JellyWitch · 15/11/2016 20:41

And to add to this - I am very much looking forward to my youngest starting school and then I will get a precious 6 hours to myself one day a week. I have no intention of working that day again!

PedantPending · 15/11/2016 20:59

What guilt?
If you are doing the best for your offspring, providing for them and setting them a good example, I do not understand why you feel guilty.
If you buy into that layer of society that goes overboard for plaster casts of their pregnant bellies, online labours, first burp, first fart, first anything, then you are very sad.
Years down the line, your children will not care (and certainly will not remember) that you were there for a lot of those moments, but they may well remember cold, damp and not enough to eat.

HardcoreLadyType · 15/11/2016 21:24

I have never felt guilty for working. (I have felt guilty about forgetting things, shouting, etc, though.)

I expect you have chosen excellent day care for your DD. She is being well looked after, by trained professionals.

You are working hard to provide for her and to give her a good role model. That's not something to be guilty about.

MrsLindor · 15/11/2016 21:30

So how else are you supposed to pay your mortgage and bills?

MsHooliesCardigan · 15/11/2016 21:32

I have 3 DCs aged 16, 14 and 8. I returned to work full time with all of them aged 7-10 months. They are all fecking awesome- my eldest is doing 4 'A' levels and plans to do medicine. My 14 year old DD is head of house and plans to do midwifery which is related to my line of work. My 8 year old is ... himself. I have no reservations whatsoever about being a working parent. My kids are all proud of what I do.

lastqueenofscotland · 15/11/2016 21:32

I am the daughter of a single working mum, who was widowed when we were all very young.

She bloody nailed it.
She kept her senior role (director level), supported us through grief, 11+, GCSEs, a levels, university, and now as adults.
She found the time to go and do her things (mainly going to the theatre) and support us with our things.

I have nothing but admiration and respect for her, and how hard she worked to make sure we would have the best. I can't imagine how many times she wanted to throw in the towel working late on Fridays so she could spend the weekend with us. I am so grateful and incredibly incredibly proud to call her my mother.

kittytom · 15/11/2016 21:34

Sounds like you have a great balance with your day off to get stuff done. I work, not full time but only 6 months off mat leave with both. I can honestly say I have never felt guilty about working. Sometimes my DD says she wishes I could do x,y,z. I do what I can but feel she also has to realise that people have to work in order to buy stuff. We had a conversation recently about paying taxes too. In places like Sweden they have subsidised FT childcare so parents can hang onto their careers and they all seem to turn out ok!

megletthesecond · 15/11/2016 21:34

Not really. The dc's hate me working and give me grief for it. The latest gem was "I hope you lose your job so we don't have to go to holiday club any more". They want me to pick them up and less rushing around.

As it is I'm a LP and can manage working 3 days a week. I've got no choice and they know I have bills to pay. But I feel guilty for not having a better job where I have flexibility or can work from home.

RJnomore1 · 15/11/2016 21:37

I have never felt guilty for working.

I'm setting them a great example and keeping the roof over their head.

Why would I feel guilty?

It's social conditioning. I can't imagine many men having this internal dialogue about how they are failing as a parent by working. And it's utter bullshit.

Bluntness100 · 15/11/2016 21:44

You have nothing to feel guilty about except the fact you have a shite friend,

I never really felt guilty, well I think once when my daughter was about six she asked me to stop working and stay at home with her like the other mums, and when I said we would not have the house and she would have to leave school she said she didn't mind if it meant I was there. I felt shit, but got over it very quickly, as in a couple of weeks, as I knew what I was doing. I guess also during school holidays as she had to go to child minders and would have preferred to stay home but they adjust.

Now? Dont regret if for one minute, and it's given her a work ethic I'm proud of and we have a very close relationship, sadly we often can't have it all, and being a stay at home mum wouldn't have been the best option for our family. So don't feel guilty apart from the fact you have a poor taste in friends.

w4nnabesahm · 15/11/2016 21:47

how does she pay her bills?

mamma12 · 15/11/2016 21:51

Something very useful my mum in her 60s told me...As a mum you will ALWAYS feel guilty no matter what. I'd say ditch the guilt but I'd be a hypocrite. I felt guilty not working, went full time -felt guilty about not spending time with my child, now work 3 days and still feel guilty. I suspect being a mum is about doung a good enoigh job but I'm not sure a lot of the time. Flowers

Andromache77 · 15/11/2016 21:52

I'm a freelancer working full time, started working again when my DD was about 5 mo. I actually took her with me to my office (my office, my rules) until she started nursery at 1 yo. I often work into the night to stay more or less on top of work; if she wakes up during the night, I have sometimes put her on my lap to breastfeed while I keep typing on my laptop.

Quite honestly, I must have skipped the lesson on working mum's guilt in my prenatal courses, I don't see why I should feel guilty at all. Yes, maybe I don't have much time to take her to the park in the afternoon as my work doesn't finish at a convenient hour, it actually never finishes but I really don't have the time to think that I could be doing better. I work hard, I earn good money, I take care of my DD and she's a happy little thing. I think that's good enough. Good-enough parenting is fine, really.

sarahquilt · 15/11/2016 21:56

I'd feel more guilty if I was putting the burden of earning all on my husband. You're putting food in her mouth. Why would you feel guilty.

MarciaBlaine · 15/11/2016 21:57

I never felt guilty for working when my child was small. It is what it is. I feel slightly guilty now she is older as her life is more complicated and I am old and a bit knackered of an evening and have less patience and energy than I would want. But I was getting on a bit when she was born, so that's at least half of it. Women have always worked. The idea that you designate all your time to your children is a middle class recent invention.

dontbesillyhenry · 15/11/2016 21:57

I don't feel guilt about being a working mum. Ever

AutumnMadness · 15/11/2016 21:58

My great-grandmothers worked full-time.
My grandmothers worked full-time.
My mother and all her female friends worked full-time.
I work full-time.

I don't get "working mother's guilt". I also don't do it.

Is your child happy and healthy? Do you have a good relationship with her? If yes, what is there to worry about? Don't let misogynist bullshit get to you.

eggyface · 15/11/2016 21:58

So i expect your friend looks after her children on her own, 24/7, no breaks ever, then? As that's what she seems to be insinuating you should do if she raises eyebrows at you having a day to catch up with yourself.

BlackeyedSusan · 15/11/2016 22:05

yes it will go away, if you become a sahm. then you will have the guilt of not working instead! Wink

you have to do what is best for you both in the circumstances you are in. sod what other people think. only you know what you do and what is the best you can achieve from where you are now, not the ideal airy fairy world someone thinks you should inhabit.

PrettyBotanicals · 15/11/2016 22:07

The day a man starts frothing with angst about being a working dad, we will know we are truly equal.

You are doing the best possible thing, OP. You're demonstrating every day that women have a valid place in the world and not just in the supermarket.

Tell your 'friend' you're so relieved that you're able to work and be independent, provide for your DC and be a fucking incredible parent all at once.

Then give her a look of withering pity.

Flowers don't you dare feel guilty. You're wonderful.

BusyBeez99 · 15/11/2016 22:13

I've never felt guilty for being a working mum. Working is part of who I am, as is my DS, my DH and other friends and relatives. I wouldn't be the person I am without working. I love my job and my family. I can have both. DS was in nursery from 3 months old and he's always been very confident and loves me to bits.

Take no notice of what other may say to make you feel guilty.

bringonyourwreckingball · 15/11/2016 22:14

I had a conversation recently with my 11 yr old dd about how much easier the traffic to work is in the holidays because lots of people don't have to go to work when their kids are at school and wouldn't it be nice if I could do that too. Because I feel guilty about how much time they stay in childcare in the holidays. She said that would be silly because I would have to drive her to sports club, then drive home and then come and pick her up later When I pointed out she wouldn't be at sports club if I was home she looked horrified and said 'oh no. I wouldn't like that AT ALL' I feel a whole lot less guilty now.

cestlavielife · 15/11/2016 22:17

And the alternative is ?
There is none and you have no reason to feel guilty...weekends with your dd .money for food bills holidays etc.
I work full time tho did do 80 % for few years to be able to pick up from after school club. Dc are fine