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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Does the guilt of being a working mother ever go away??

135 replies

Steelojames · 15/11/2016 20:00

I am a single parent (dad no access) and went back to work full time when my daughter was one.
She is now three and I have gone down to four days a week (in education so job very very demanding). I planned to do this to initially spend the day with her but most times I send her to day care on this day off so i can have the day to myself and actually spend the day sorting out house so free's up weekend for me and her etc.
A friend of a friend today said something which made me question my decision to work full time, along the lines of being surprised that I worked full time with a child sooo young.
I now feel guilty! I feel guilt for sending her in to day care for five days & guilty for spending the day off to myself.....
After Xmas I've booked us some toddler classes to make it out day etc but hen plan to send her to nursery half day as really need some time to myself as don't get on weekends. I don't plan to be a sahm and with only my income I can't afford it and don't really think id enjoy it.
We have very active weekends, managing household, going out, visiting family etc so we do spend as much time together as we can etc.
Just want some reassurance that I'm doing the right thing.

OP posts:
QueenOfHumboldtCounty · 15/11/2016 22:18

I feel guilty every Tuesday (I work 3 days) after 4 days at home with my two dcs. I wish I could afford to be a sahm while they're 1 and 3 years old. I imagine the guilt might be a bit less when they're both in school. I don't really have any time to myself but that's my choice and my job is pretty chilled so that's kind of my me-time.

Anyway, don't take this the wrong way but is there any way you could do a bit less cleaning on your day off and just get her involved? My 3 yo loves it when I give him a tidying task to do (might start bribing him with pocket money when the novelty wears off!) And my 1 yo loves to follow me round with her toy hoover. I know it's easier to get it done if they're out of the way but it might help you feel better if she's with you.

mimishimmi · 15/11/2016 22:20

You're a single mum. That was just nasty of your friend. What are you supposed to do? Let your daughter starve and potentially be homeless?

cosytoaster · 15/11/2016 22:23

Don't feel guilty - you're setting a great example for your DD.

cestlavielife · 15/11/2016 22:26

Last 9 years as lp

minionsrule · 15/11/2016 22:27

I went back to work when DS was 6 months, 3 days. When he was 2 I went back full time. From Primary he was in after school 5 days a week and I had half the holidays off with him but otherwise in holiday club.
Yes I was full of guilt but when I picked him up from after school he moaned I was too early. When I had days off in the holiday he would ask if he could do the occasional extra day at holiday club as he loved it.
Now at 11 years old he is a very sociable, happy child. Mixes easily with kids he doesn't know and makes friends easily.

Whilst I will not say wow how great I am, I was responsible for that, it has done wonders for his confidence and social skills as he was a very very shy toddler.
Feel like I am rambling a bit but overall yes I felt bad but he has always been happy, he has a happy mum (and dad) and we can afford treats for him and holidays rather than struggling on less money and, as a final benefit, when he went to High School he knew loads of his Year 7 classmates, due to holiday clubs over the years, whereas some of his friends mainly only knew kids from their primary school

Bibs2014 · 15/11/2016 22:28

Lastqueen - what a lovely post.

mimishimmi · 15/11/2016 22:30

By the way, the other day I told my son there was a good chance I'd be home early and could pick him up from ASC early. His face dropped and he said "Oh no, that's going to cut down on my playtime".

CanIKondo · 15/11/2016 22:33

Lovely post LastQueen. Your mum sounds fab!

lightcola · 15/11/2016 22:44

I'm no longer a working mum and actually feel more guilty now as I don't feel my child is getting from me what he got at nursery with the staff and his friends. He starts preschool in January and he can't wait. Don't beat yourself up about it.

dietcokeandwine · 15/11/2016 23:07

Just to offer another perspective : I've been a SAHM for the best part of the last 10 years and I feel guilty much of the time.

  1. I'm setting a crap example to my 3 boys by not working. They will grow up with outdated stereotypical assumptions that daddies go to work and mummies stay at home and this might make them unsupportive partners and fathers in future and it will be all my fault.

2.I'm a crap wife to DH because all the financial burden of running the house falls to him. Whenever he's had an awful stress day at work I feel guiltier than ever.

  1. I am a crap parent generally because as a SAHM I should cook amazing meals and do lots of extra curricular stuff with DC and I don't. I hate cooking and produce decent but boring food. Garden looks nice though.
  1. I always feel my DC are missing out on not having been in childcare....I know so many friends who have lovely nannies / childminders / after school clubs etc and I just feel those sorts of people would put far more effort into actually spending decent time with my DC than I do. Every time I feed them something a bit crap or let them have extra screen time I think 'oh god, this wouldn't be happening if I was at work and they were being looked after by a nice dedicated diligent nanny'...
  1. And finally....guilty that with the brain I have and the education I have and the experience I have (I had a really good senior management £50k pa type job 10 years ago when I realised that I really couldn't manage to do it effectively on a part time basis after ds1, and resigned with the stress of it), I didn't manage to keep my career going. I am totally crap for not being able to juggle it all.

I should add (before anyone asks wtf am I a SAHM then?) that, guilt aside, I do generally really enjoy being a SAHM, and do manage to combine it with lots of voluntary work which keeps me sane ish too. But I feel guilty.

I think all parents feel guilty.

What's that saying? 'A mother's place is in the wrong...'

dietcokeandwine · 15/11/2016 23:21

Oh, and one final one: I am queen crappy mcCrap of crapville for losing it and shouting at the DC (which happens far too often, the preschooler is a horror and the 12yo has SEN and the 7yo never bloody stops talking and I shout) because I don't work and I don't have to juggle house and career so I have no work stress or desperate constraints on my time so I shouldn't need to shout.

Bloody guilt. Hate it.

You are doing a great job op Smile

Brokenbiscuit · 15/11/2016 23:41

I've worked full time since dd was a baby. I've always been fortunate enough to have a very flexible schedule that can fit around her needs. I genuinely feel no guilt about working, never have. There is simply nothing to feel guilty about.

I spend loads of time with dd and we have a great relationship. In fact, I'd say that she is much closer to me than she is to her dad, who was a sahp for a while when she was younger, and still works fewer hours than me overall, so I don't think working has had a negative impact.

Work is what enables me to put food on the table and a roof over our heads. It pays for dd's clothes, books, hobbies and so on. Providing for dd is all part of my duty as a parent.

As a child, I used to wish that my sahm would get a job, because she was utterly miserable at home. I know that I'm a much better parent if I'm happy and fulfilled in my own life, and work helps with that because it gives me a sense of identity, purpose and achievement.

If others feel that it's better for themselves and their families to stay at home, I have no issue with that, but for me, working is the right choice. My dd is a fantastic child, growing into an amazing human being of whom I am tremendously proud, so I figure I must be doing a good enough job as a parent. So no guilt, because there is nothing to feel guilty about.

twattymctwatterson · 16/11/2016 00:02

I don't feel guilty. Absolutely everything I do is for my DD. Like you I'm a single parent and my job keeps a roof over our head and allows her to have hobbies and holidays and things I know some children can't have. Plus it's a lifeline to other adults!

cestlavielife · 16/11/2016 10:16

dietcoke just shake that guilt off!
maybe do some life coaching etc...
and if you think you might enjoy paid employment then do so...try it.

but if SAHM works for you and your family then dont feel guilty. weigh up the options make informed decision and own it. no guilt allowed.

KatharinaRosalie · 16/11/2016 10:18

Like LastQueen, I also had a full time working mother. She loves her career and is still busy working, now that all her DC have left home. She would have been a horrible SAHM, and the same applies here. I think I'm quite an adequate mother, but it would categorically not be better for my children if I stayed home with them.

cestlavielife · 16/11/2016 10:20

p.s. if as a lp (and i ahve ds with severe SEN too plus 2 dd) i "I feed them something a bit crap or let them have extra screen time" - I dont feel guilty and i dont think you should either!

own your decision it is nothing to do with sahm or lp or wohm - if you need some peace and kids want some "screen time" so long as it's not porn it's really going to be ok... just make it so that on saturday you all go out for brisk outdoor walk to the park etc.

tomorrow is another day for breezy exercise and home made jamie oliver cooking from scratch. one day of chocolate cake or sitting watching a movie on ipad is not a big deal.

2ndSopranos · 16/11/2016 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DowntonDiva · 16/11/2016 10:30

I went back to work at 4 months. The comments and Hmm I get ... but you have to drown it out and stand firm in your own mind your doing the best for your family.

When ever anyone makes a comment now I just do a very exaggerated laugh and say "oh bless..."

"Goodness, don't you worry DD will love the nanny more".... "oh bless"

"Gosh you must miss out on so much".... "oh bless"

"Oh my goodness I could NEVER leave DC"...."oh bless"

Sometimes people are bitchy on purpose sometimes people don't think. Don't absorb it Flowers

LagunaBubbles · 16/11/2016 10:33

My kids are 23, 14 and 8 and I have always worked full time, I can honestly say Ive never felt guilty. Whats the point? Its a pointless negative emotion and certainly would cause more problems.

LittleLionMansMummy · 16/11/2016 10:34

I well remember the guilt from those early years op. It does get much easier, the more independent they become, the more their personalities decelop and the more they enjoy spending time with others. You also receive a huge amount of reassurance when you see them developing absolutely normally and happily and see/ hear first hand that you have not/ are not damaging them.

I used to think I was in some way damaging ds by working ft (too much Google and reading parenting books). But I actually spend much more quality time with him and seem to have much more patience when we're together to deal with the more testing times. We are very close and dh and I are still his favourite people in the world (for now!) At a recent parents evening he was described so beautifully by his teachers that it just confirmed what an amazing child we've managed to raise: happy, bright, confident, polite and with a zest for life and learning.

You sound like an amazingly loving parent and love is the most important thing for children - never scrimp on kisses, cuddles and telling them how amazing they are and you can't go far wrong.

JellyBelli · 16/11/2016 10:34

Ditch the guilt and the 'friend'. If you werent working you'd be getting stick about benefits.

myfavouritecolourispurple · 16/11/2016 10:36

Do any dads feel guilty for working and paying the bills?

So why should mums?

Manumission · 16/11/2016 10:37

So you respond by sounding demented AND a bigger bitch diva? Even though they might not have meant any offence? Confused

The "Oh bless" and cackling routine sounds disturbing, passive-aggressive and a bit twattish.

Just being really assertive and clear that you have a right to choose for your own family works fine.

Zone2mum · 16/11/2016 10:38

In my experience the state of parenthood is the state of feeling like I'm constantly getting things wrong. This doesn't really have anything to do with my working pattern, which has fluctuated hugely over my career. I suspect I'd feel the same if I didn't work.
Don't feel guilty for working. How else do bills get paid? How else will you support your family, now and in the years to come? You are acting as a fine role model, an independent woman. Don't let other people bring you down.

Allthewaves · 16/11/2016 10:40

No

But we all do our best

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