Does the guilt of being a working mother ever go away??

[Steelojames]

I am a single parent (dad no access) and went back to work full time when my daughter was one.
She is now three and I have gone down to four days a week (in education so job very very demanding). I planned to do this to initially spend the day with her but most times I send her to day care on this day off so i can have the day to myself and actually spend the day sorting out house so free's up weekend for me and her etc.
A friend of a friend today said something which made me question my decision to work full time, along the lines of being surprised that I worked full time with a child sooo young.
I now feel guilty! I feel guilt for sending her in to day care for five days & guilty for spending the day off to myself.....
After Xmas I've booked us some toddler classes to make it out day etc but hen plan to send her to nursery half day as really need some time to myself as don't get on weekends. I don't plan to be a sahm and with only my income I can't afford it and don't really think id enjoy it.
We have very active weekends, managing household, going out, visiting family etc so we do spend as much time together as we can etc.
Just want some reassurance that I'm doing the right thing.

I never really felt guilty, my DP doesn't so why should I. My DD was always well looked after (but to be fair I am/was lucky to work from home 2 days a week so that really helped with school runs when I used to take her).

Your friend's unhelpful comment has you doubting yourself, step back and look at the positives of you working.

If it wasn't guilt over working it might be guilt over not working or not sending DC to a nursery or not doing enough with her and it sounds to me as if you have a pretty good grip on things balance wise.

Yes I do. If someone is rude about my parenting choice then I am rude back. It generally stops my parenting being a further topic of conversation. I don't pass comment or judgement on anyone else's choices or set up and I don't expect it in return.

I'm my experience if I am passive the topic becomes "fair game" and is harder to shut down later on. I nip it in the bud up front,

These are the soft examples. DP and I have also had some very rude and personal questions and comments.

"Your letting Diva go back to work"
"Mate that's weird your taking time off, what do you do all day? Flirt with the mums"
"How do you feel about Diva paying your bills"
"Does DD still remember Diva"

We've faced a wave of sexist comments and when tried to be polite about it they continue and the individuals just don't get it. This is our approach. It works. If your rude regarding DD and my parenting I quite franking don't care how it comes across.

"Cackle" "demented" .... nice.

I'm still interested in why working mothers allow themselves to be made to feel guilty, and why it's considered so normal, almost compulsory, to feel that guilt if you're a female parent who works, but never if you're a male parent who works.

A lot of posters who post about being made to feel bad by 'friends' or family about other choices, have other posters coming on to tell them, rightly, that 'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent', and if there seemed to be a general campaign to make a specific section of society feel bad about their morally neutral choices in any other area, there would be uproar! So why are so many women apparently believing that they should feel guilty about having children and working?

Who or what is making you feel 'guilty'? Your circle, the media? Bogus patriarchal bullshit about a woman's place being in the home with her offspring, and women who work therefore must be doing it to fund a materialistic lifestyle, or are chilly careerists?

Or do you really, truly feel guilty - or are you made to feel you are supposed to feel guilty because there's something unmaternal about not feeling guilt about working? I think at least part of it is that.

I have no compunction at all about saying I've never had a moment's guilt about working, or that my child has, at times, to fit around my work. And I think it's important that say that, because it sounds as if from some people on here, it doesn't get said enough in their hearing.

Full time working mum here.

It's bloody difficult but I enjoy having a good lifestyle, savings and no money worries.

My son is really well adjusted (just had his 27-30 month review where he did brilliantly wouldn't say it in RL but I'll say it on here) and happy so I really don't feel guilt...just tiredness!!

Keep doing what you do. Your daughter will appreciate it when she's older.

Downton, aaargh.

I quite agree - challenge, challenge, challenge. I've never had anything like that, but DH doing much more school-related stuff than me - parent volunteer reader, helping out with the school fete stalls, school runs etc - does seem to have caused largely unspoken surprise since our DS started Reception.

I'm very fond of our village school, but despite the fact that all but one of the teachers and admin/handyman/dinners/support staff are women, there seems to still be a general expectation that there will be a SAHM somewhere in the background.

When ever anyone makes a comment now I just do a very exaggerated laugh and say "oh bless..."

Okay a non-cackly 'exaggerated laugh' then

You're the one who just gave us those fairly mild examples and conceded that often people mean no harm.

But fine, help them adjust to the new normal by sounding batshit.

A friend of a friend today said something which made me question my decision to work full time, along the lines of being surprised that I worked full time with a child sooo young.

Friend of a friend is an idiot. I have no guilt and I went back to work when DD was 1. I enjoy working, it's something that's a part of me and I would like DD to have a good career too when she is grown-up and have a job that will make her happy.

I'm my experience if I am passive the topic becomes "fair game" and is harder to shut down later on. I nip it in the bud up front,

Oh I missed that.

Why do so many women think they have to choose between passive and passive aggressive?

Just be calmly assertive and shut the subject down.

If that time to yourself - errr cleaning tidying and doing chores really time to yourself... - allows you to free up weekends to be fun and enjoyable and not sat in front of TV while Mum tries to plan mark clean batch cook whatever then carry on you are doing the best you can and you do need down time which if you don't have real support from friends such as Mrs Judgy Pants is a need not a nice to have. Don't forget to have a cuppa sat down and finish it and get your hair done or go somewhere for a walk on your own or a window shop etc. We all need time to centre ourselves after hectic weeks and weekends

I'm still interested in why working mothers allow themselves to be made to feel guilty, and why it's considered so normal, almost compulsory, to feel that guilt if you're a female parent who works, but never if you're a male parent who works.

I can only speak for myself obviously Tooth but for me it was the amount of 'advice' and 'studies/ research' I read online and in books as a first time mum regarding childcare options and potential impact on attachment etc. Without (unhelpfully) going into the warts and all, they invariably came to the conclusion that it was the female's 'absence' during those formative months/ years that had a detrimental impact.

With no prior experience or knowledge of parenting, I was impressionable and lacked confidence in my instincts and abilities. Of course now, even just 6 years down the line, I realise that for every study that apparently proves one thing, there's another that emphasises the opposite. Women in particular are disproportionately affected by the amount of 'advice' out there because women are still predominantly the ones who take maternity leave.

I also now understand that it's about the quality of childcare and how engaged the primary caregiver/ caregivers are - and that can be mum, dad, cm/ key worker or all three.

For me, it was a case of information overload that convinced me I was damaging my child by working. I would like to think that with my second, due any day, I have learned a lot about myself (as well as dh - who is also hugely engaged and hands on) and my abilities as a parent, as well as my desires as an individual. Society is still very much skewed against working mothers and the guilt is a by-product of that. I feel entirely different now, having witnessed first hand that I have not damaged my child - entirely the opposite in fact.

diva I'm with you. I'm not quite sure why your post about what you've experienced and how you deal with it without bowing down to it prompted that...

What doinitfine said.
I work 4 days and have a 3yo and a 10mo and DH. On my day off I mainly do house stuff but take oldest swimming lesson for an hour of that. They're both in nursery full time. I class my day off as catch up day and head space day! DH is self employed so works 5 days but is flexible.
Anyone who would comment we're doing anything wrong are probably jealous. I think you have a perfect balance. I can't imagine how hard it is as a single parent. Well done for making time for you.

I work full time and have done since Dd was a baby and I think I also missed the guilt programming session as I don't feel even a little guilty.

You are doing nothing wrong, you are a single parent who needs to provide. Some people will always try and make people feel guilty, usually because they chose the opposite choice. Like some people on this thread who are bigging up your choice while at the same time being negative about SAHMs... that's wrong too. Whatever works for your family is the right way.

And just to add to the "probably useless" pile, the Times has a study on its front page this morning about how children of working mums 'do better'. Yawn. I AM a working mum, and I am totally disinterested in this - why it's front page news is anyone's guess.

Also, just a general point, I think mums (huge generalisation ahoy, but bear with me) suffer a lot from the 'grass is always greener' syndrome. I drop my DS off at school 3x a week (other 2 he's at brekkie club) and then dash off to work, usually feeling a bit sick through not having had time to have anything to eat or a coffee yet, dreading a lot of what the day brings and wishing I could just go back home and do the mountain of washing. Almost without fail, one of the SAHMs will pump me for details of my day and listen intently to the (frankly tedious) details of what I've got planned at work. One of them practically passed out when I said my office-mate has a cuppa waiting for me when I get there in the mornings. More than one has said how 'lucky' I am to have carried on working.

Maybe as well as guilt, a lot of us have been conditioned to be envious of other parents and to think that we're the ones 'doing it wrong'.

A friend of a friend today said something which made me question my decision to work full time, along the lines of being surprised that I worked full time with a child sooo young

did she now? what a fucking stupid and unhelpful comment to make to a single parent. don't let a tactless comment from someone with no clue ever make your doubt yourself OP

I work 5 days a week and I feel NO guilt, I am proud that I provide for my family- you should be proud too

My dc are 19,18 and 15 and I have always worked ft. I felt a sort of guilt or regret for many years, not overwhelmingly because I knew I had no choice.

But now that my dc are older and thriving, happy, thoughtful and successful, now the most active years of parenting are behind me, I can absolutely say that I no longer feel a shred of guilt. In fact I'm very proud of myself and strangely pleased that I had to work ft. Because my children have a sense of independence and ambition and see me in a more adult way than the dc of my sahm friends ( small sample so I don't draw many conclusions). I hope in 16 yrs time you'll be able to say the same, I'm sure you will.

Whatever you do will be right or wrong!!

My proudest moment, 2)3! I got a big promotion and my daughter told me how super proud she was of me for having such a big job

My low point, missing a kiddie appointment that I should have known about and letting the family down

You do what you think is right right now. There's plenty of time to change your view x

You are doing a fucking great job. Dont let some mad bint put you off. Poncy judgemental cow.

You are allowed to have some time to yourself. That way you get all the boring shit sorted and can have a lovely time with your boo all weekend. Win win.

Theres always summat to feel guilty about. Something to do with evolution trying to wire our brains not to do a shit job and let our offspring perish. That and bullshit condtioning by the aforementioned mad bint. Block it out and do whats best for you both in the circumstances.

I'd go demented as a SAHM. Found the afternoons long lonely and depressing on mat leave tbh.

I went back to work when DD1 was 4 mo. It never occurred to me not to. and it certainly never occurred to me to feel guilty. I didn't really have any mummy friends or experience of kids and had no idea this wasn't normal. I was slightly stunned to find out I was so unusual.

DD1 is now 11, DD2 is 8, I've still never felt a minute's guilt about working full time (4 years of it doing a PhD) all their lives. It never occurs to men to feel guilty; most of them work full time and are still excellent parents.

Mothers have worked from the beginning of time to put food in their children's mouths and roofs over their heads and produced endless generations of happy, intelligent and healthy children. Life is too short to sacrifice yourself on the alter of motherhood - no one will thank you for it, there's no evidence your children will be better for it. So why do it? Never base life choices on guilt.

Whatever we do we feel guilty. People say stupid shit on both sides of the coin, just like the poster that said this.. Research suggests that girls whose Mums work go on to achieve more in life - it reinforces the guilt and divide.

I think you just have to be confident in your decisions so it doesn't affect you too much

Of course you deserve a day to your self. Being a parent is tough. Being. Single parent is incredibly tough! You spend the weekends together I'm sure.. so why not have Friday to yourself?

Mine are now teens. I think it's always affected me more than them.

Having the day to stay on top of things at home and to give yourself some space so your weekends are free to be with your dd is bloody brilliant.

I'm thought I'd regret the years I spent working full time. I do think that sometimes my priorities were shot (I could have left work earlier some days, for example) but with hindsight I totally did the right thing. And thinking on it, I don't actually regret sometimes putting work first (I never really did put work first, but you know what I mean) because when ds hit his teens that's when he really, really needed me. Getting my priorities "wrong" when I did taught me that actually nobody was going to die in a ditch if that report wasn't out that evening, and also helped me prove myself to my peers. I'm glad that happened when he was little and with people (they get to 11 and childcare doesn't really exist anymore) than when he was 13.

Go you! You are a much better Mum having a bit of time to yourself! 😀 Xx