Christmas is cancelled

[littlepinkfizz]

Hi my 16 year old is a lovely ,innocent looking girl. She does well at school and is mostly fine at home. However she has been lying to us without us even knowing, going out with her friends during the summer,coming home early but it appshe has been taking cannabis and has previously been drunk on several occasions. She denies all to the point that we have doubted ourselves and I have felt guilty. But after staying out all night and refuting tell us where she was she was grounded and pocket money stopped.
She went out to a community youth group that she does volunteer work with as part of her Duke of Ed, She returned home and headed up to her room saying her friend's mum had dropped her home( I had left this girl home the previous week). Later I noticed a small package on the stairs.. herbal cannabis. She eventually confessed that she had arranged herself to meet the dealer and buy it herself . She smoked it but her friend ( a different one ) did not.She says her friends don't do drugs. She does not seem remorseful and we have even offered to get her s counselker to speak to and are waiting to have one get back to us. She said she would speak to one.

I have got her about half of what I usually spend on her and her older sisters for Christmas already, but do not feel that it would be correct to
reward her with what she normally gets due to her recent behaviour.

AIBU?

Ok, well you're entitled to your opinion based on what you've seen. I've seen more relationships fall apart because one party took the 'high road' (that's not a pun!) and demonised the drugs and the people doing them.
At the end of the day, knowledge is power. If the OP can talk openly about her fears with her daughter but keep an open enough mind to research the effects of ALL the substances her daughter is using (alcohol and tobacco included) with Her daughter then she has a chance at saving her daughter from being one of your statistics and saving her relationship at the same time.
I think most teenagers would agree that the harder you come down on them for minor offences like this, the more likely you are to push them into worse options later on, and in secret from their judgemental parents.

It's not addictive and no research has found it to be, so sorry to those saying it is.
The lifestyle can become addictive but that's a different story, as is the fact the tobacco used to roll joints is addictive.

Most kids try it, most get away without being caught. I think you are lucky that she's talking to you, but don't believe her friends aren't doing it.

They tend to stick together and won't get one another into trouble by telling parents. She might think you'll be straight up to school or their parents.

Surely "cancelling christmas" trivialises this?? I would have thought you both need to talk a lot rather than you choose random "punishments" that possibly won't mean that much to her anyway.

You need to make sure she's armed with ALL the facts about possible consequences and I like pallasathena's approach too!

Sorry, my comment was for notgivingin in case of x-post

I think at 16 it is pretty common to try a bit of alcohol and cannabis. I was a pretty square teen but still did a bit. I think it's important to open a dialogue with her. If you just punish her every time she drinks or smokes, she'll just hide it from you - which is far more troubling.

Give her the information she needs, and a safe space. Let her know she can call you no matter what if she's in trouble. Don't cancel Christmas, you'll punish no one but yourselfs

I've seen more relationships fall apart because one party took the 'high road' (that's not a pun!) and demonised the drugs and the people doing them.

Out of interest, do you think that's a bad thing ? I have many friends who didn't want to commit to their partners (living with them) as long as they stopped smoking weed. My parents didn't smoke, let alone do drugs, so I was never brought up around drugs/alcohol..which could be the reason why I didn't do drugs or drink, but surely that's understandable if the relationship breaks down because one party doesn't condone drugs.

Knowledge is power, all the OP can do is educate her daughter. Though I'll be concerned about the people she hangs around with. Even though I knew of many people who smoked weed/ heavily drink etc..I was never pressured by them to try something or they didn't ridicule me of my choices not to try drugs or alcohol. They respected my choices and I respected theirs-- with caution (unless I can see they were going into self-destruct).

this wold be a whole different discussion in parts of america where it has been legalised

would you be so appaled if it was just drink op?

Look, the fact is that at 16 kids have many influences in their lives other than their parents, and if the parents take the stance that all drug use is terrifyingly awful, the kid is going to (understandably) observe that they are still fine and their friends are fine and therefore their parents don't understand drugs. Those who didn't dabble, well, good for you, but OP's daughter has dabbled and since OP can't rewind time, she needs to approach the teenager she has, not the teenager you used to be. Her teenager has had a spliff and lived to tell the tale.

OP, I think you need to take a balanced look at what the real dangers are. The occasional spliff is less scary to my mind than the amount of alcohol some teens consume. But heavy use can do very unpleasant things to you, a criminal record will affect you long into your adult life, and many drugs are much less safe to use even occasionally so she needs to be clued up and not just try any old thing she's offered. And it's really not OK for her to just disappear off the map for the night - you need to know where she is so you can come and get her if things go wrong.

I really wouldn't change Christmas. I think one of the things that helps keep a kid on the rails (and I really don't think she has gone off them yet!) is a stable, loving base to return to. The sense that they're cared for, and that they really have something to lose by screwing up. The awareness that things aren't supposed to be chaotic and uncontrolled, that they can come back to safety and they're allowed to enjoy childhood roles still - they don't have to prove themselves as grown ups all the time. I am sure you provide that loving home in so many ways, but Christmas is one of those special things that'll make her feel like your little girl again (whether she admits it or not) so long as you let it be the happy time it's always been.

notgivingin I think it is a bad thing, yes. Not necessarily between friends as those can change over the years anyway, but between family yes. Because family is for keeps (in an ideal world) and it is very difficult for a relationship to survive when one party feels vilified. Especially when that party is at a vulnerable time in their life (teenage years definitely count there).
I too came from a home with teetotal parents but it had the opposite effect on me and made me all the more curious, especially when I saw that my friends weren't falling down dead or ruining their lives from dabbling as I'd been led to expect.
But I agree with what you say about respect, and I think that has to be the way forward for the OP and her daughter, and that has to work both ways for them. The OP has said that her daughter is doing well at school and is happy at home - it would be a shame to ruin that through an over-reaction on her parents part.

Herbal as opposed to resin. What we dabbled in less strong less addictive but experimenting etc is usual at this age.
Don't cancel Christmas
Do talk, talk, talk.
You will all come through

Don't cancel Christmas, this is a long term issue that needs to be addressed with kid gloves, i wouldn't let her have any money from anyone, if she is given Christmas money then take it off her and put it in the bank for later,

Retaining the relationship even when you disapprove of the behaviour is key here, as others have said.

It could be a long haul but keep loving your daughter. On a practical note, maybe buy her stuff which is not easily resellable?

I can only relate to my own experience and when I was 17, I smoked weed, went to clubs etc and now at 43 I can look back and see that some of the cause was due to my mother's insistence for control over my life. The escapism I craved and found in smoking weed etc was the only way I could be away from the control that I felt.
It's a very difficult age because hormones, peer pressures, GCSEs, driving and all the big growing up is done in this time and so I think allowing some freedom and keeping the feeling that she is loved is the best route.
I'm not suggesting that you are controlling at all but measures to keep her away from things may come across as a form of control and a fight which you will lose if your daughter is very strong willed.

I wouldn't withhold Christmas presents but instead make her feel special and part of the family just as much as her siblings, the warmth you give her now is the best way to make her feel good about herself. From my own experience, doing drugs doesn't make you feel good about yourself, you know you are harming yourself but it's an easy path to carry on especially if it's defying something in your life or trying to push your own boundaries. However saying that when you're on the drug you can dampen all feelings and they go away and your perspective on life changes.

I have a young daughter now and I'm kind of dreading her going through this phase! My approach will be to encourage one of her interests or a new one, and I would love to help her do what my cousins did as they all went abroad to either teach a foreign language, volunteer in building projects etc and so they went for a year to places in Africa and Europe. The airfare was paid for by the family, but all living and expenses were paid by them working. I think it helped open their eyes to lots of opportunities and their own self worth in being able to achieve something.
It's hard to give any advice and so I am only speaking from my own perspective, helping her feel safe and loved is key at this time and working with her to find a fantastic opportunity maybe a possible distraction to help her go on another path.

Sorry last thing, promise!
I was brought up with my mother showing love by buying presents and I would rather have had fewer presents but a hug instead. Showing love by a hug or a cuddle, in my view, is better than a thousand presents!

Tell her you love her so much and you are genuinely worried she will make a bad choice that may lead her into self destruction and dependency.

Tell her you considered cancelling Christmas but because you were so scared for her but don't want to do this because you love her and you just want reassurance she loves you to.

Tell her you have always been very proud of her and want her to have an amazing life where she can fulfill all of her dreams. But that you are really worried that if she dabbles in drugs she will jeopardise this.

Also point out she may lose her friends if they do not take drugs and she does. Ash her if she needs any help/drug counselling.

Ask her if it is possible to draw a line under past behaviour and to start again afresh. Tell her you want to trust her.

The best way to approach this is with understanding and support. Yes she has bretrayed your trust and let you down but if you want her to not lie in future the best way is to deal with it calmly even if you feel frantically worried inside. Coming down hard will only drive the behaviour undercover and make it less likely that she'll speak to you about it or any other related worries.

Facts are the best way forward, especially as your brain does not stop growing in size until your mid twenties, any dabbling pre that point will fundamentally change the brain's ongoing development possibly leading to anxiety and related issues in adulthood.