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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas is cancelled

166 replies

littlepinkfizz · 15/11/2016 15:38

Hi my 16 year old is a lovely ,innocent looking girl. She does well at school and is mostly fine at home. However she has been lying to us without us even knowing, going out with her friends during the summer,coming home early but it appshe has been taking cannabis and has previously been drunk on several occasions. She denies all to the point that we have doubted ourselves and I have felt guilty. But after staying out all night and refuting tell us where she was she was grounded and pocket money stopped.
She went out to a community youth group that she does volunteer work with as part of her Duke of Ed, She returned home and headed up to her room saying her friend's mum had dropped her home( I had left this girl home the previous week). Later I noticed a small package on the stairs.. herbal cannabis. She eventually confessed that she had arranged herself to meet the dealer and buy it herself . She smoked it but her friend ( a different one ) did not.She says her friends don't do drugs. She does not seem remorseful and we have even offered to get her s counselker to speak to and are waiting to have one get back to us. She said she would speak to one.

I have got her about half of what I usually spend on her and her older sisters for Christmas already, but do not feel that it would be correct to
reward her with what she normally gets due to her recent behaviour.

AIBU?

OP posts:
OracleofDelphi · 15/11/2016 17:38

As many others have said the two are very separate in my mind. If you want her to trust you, and talk to you, you cant buy her less presents to punish hear.

I was a truly shocking teen, truly bad, but alienation and punishing when someone is possibly less than 2 years off an adult is not going to go down well.

It does sound like you might have some issues regarding how you relate to her. Tbh and I dont mean this horribly, your OP does sound like you have never drunk or smoked before.... ? I only say this because as we all collectivly get older, I think there is a leaning, especially today, to view teenagers as bad / naughty / disrespectful etc. I think that people forget what it was like to be 15 or 16 and dont relate back to how they would have felt at that time.

So - lying is not OK. But if you dont want her to lie, you have to be prepared to hear some things you might not like or agree with. If she tells you the truth about something she is in two minds about, and she perceives you over reacting, or not understanding her then it will only result in her getting better at hiding it from you.

waterrat · 15/11/2016 17:41

Op you say you had a strict childhood. ..so perhaps it will be interesting and useful for your to consider other experiences.

In my own london teenage years I did not know a single teenager who didnt try weed at the very least. Most of my friends took much harder drugs on a regular basis. All of us are now adults and lead normal drug free lives.

You have a choice of how to react to your daughter and I really reallt recommend you stay calm, talk with her openly and don't judge or condemn her for making normal teenage choices.

iloveeverykindofcat · 15/11/2016 17:43

I'm of the direct opposite opinion to leccybill. The cannabis I wouldn't be too overly concerned with (this was certainly 'normal' when I was a teen, and I'm surprised to hear people say they've never tried it) but the sneaking out/meeting with a dealer is potentially very dangerous. Keep her talking, and try to establish as a matter of priority who this dealer is - a kid her own age, or someone dangerous?

AbernathysFringe · 15/11/2016 17:47

I wouldn't normalise it by saying all young people dabble. Sure, a lot do and for most it doesn't continue, but depending on personality and circumstance some people continue and do it to excess. My ex P was a promising athlete who got into cannabis at 15 and did it for the next 15 years at huge financial and psychological cost - his mother ignored him doing it in his bedroom with his friends, in his words, 'at least she knew I was safely at home and not drinking in the park' (the only other alternative for people in his area apparently!). Be the adult, don't shrug it off as something teens just do.

YuckYuckEwwww · 15/11/2016 17:47

No we didn't. And the way that some posters on this thread are seeking to normalise it as acceptable, experimental behaviour saddens me. No. posters are not seeking to normalise it or rationalise it, but fact is that the OPs child IS doing it so we're past that point anyway

Are there any problems at school?
is she struggling academically?
have friendship groups broken down?
is she being bullied?

I didn't drink or smoke weed because there was anything "wrong", I didn't do it because of peer pressure, and adults who talked about it like that just made me think that they really didn't get it so I wouldn't bother talking to them about it.

I mean I had a few glasses of wine last weekend, I'm not struggling at work or in my relationship, and nobody twisted my arm.. sometimes teens just enjoy it! Just like adults do

specialsubject · 15/11/2016 17:47

no, getting fall-down pissed and stoned is NOT normal behaviour for any age, it is serious sad sack stuff OR some real problems.

and there is the physical harm risk - not just from the drugs but from the escalation and getting the crap beaten out of her if she moves into dealing circles. Or worse. Plus as mentioned the potential damage to her future - who wants to employ a druggie?

don't buy her anything she can sell until trust is restored. You will only be feeding the habits.

I hope she gets the help she needs. Very sad to be in this mess so early.

YuckYuckEwwww · 15/11/2016 17:51

specialsubject don't you remember what happened to the kids whose parents took that approach when you were a teen.

They're the ones who snuck out and stayed out and didn't call their parents to come get them when things got hairy.

They also tended to really go to town once they were out - in for a penny in for a pound, they were in trouble anyway so might as well

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 15/11/2016 17:52

Here's the thing for me. Christmas gifts aren't a reward, they're gifts - not given in exchange for a behaviour you like, or a certain job being done, but because you are expressing love

Completely agree, Christmas shouldn't really come into how you deal with the other issues imo.

VestalVirgin · 15/11/2016 17:52

Calm down. It's just weed. I agree with everyone else who said that the weed is not the problem here.
The lying is.

Talk to her and make it clear to her that getting drunk in unsafe environments (or regularly getting drunk, period) and smoking weed are things to avoid not because mommy and daddy don't like it but because they are dangerous and unhealthy.
(To be honest, cannabis is probably not much more dangerous than alcohol; but consuming it regularly can still be a problem, and there's the added problem of getting it in places where it is illegal.)

Emphasize that you are worried about her, and the sensible reasons why her behaviour is dangerous.

If you punish her, punish her for the lying.

And I agree with others; don't cancel Christmas. That's just cruel.
(Also, science found out that if you reward someone for doing something, their intrinsic motivation to do this thing decreases. Sensible behaviour is its own reward, you shouldn't have to bribe her into thinking of her own safety.)

randomer · 15/11/2016 17:59

Christmas is a consumer fest. Your daughter is a teenager pushing boudaries. The two are not connected

Bumplovin · 15/11/2016 18:00

I know weed is very common these days but it can cause depression and other mental health issues. Trying it isn't such a bit deal but using it regularly is. Id try to explain the risks to her without telling her off and hope she comes to her senses. The alcohol is probably less harmful just advise her to go careful with it and know her limits

RosieSW · 15/11/2016 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SemiNormal · 15/11/2016 18:08

Pretty much all of my friends smoked it at that age, I've never tried it, I liked to be different but I did drink gin/vodka/cider (anything and everything).

I think this idea that cannabis is harmless can be dangerous to be honest, of course used in moderation it's probably fine but a friend of mine smoked it A LOT and ended up with severe mental health problems, is in and out of homelessness, extreme paranoia etc - same with alcohol abuse. I think OP is absolutely right to be concerned but rather than punish I think you need to educate her, listen to her (which I see you are now) and support her in trying to put an end to using it.

I read this story earlier www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3937198/Mother-three-28-never-taken-drugs-died-took-just-ONE-puff-deadly-cocktail-legal-highs-called-Insane-Joker-Exploded-believing-harmless.html where a woman had smoked synthetic cannabis and died. Please advise your daughter than she needs to be so careful about this, I realise the stuff this woman smoked was synthetic but do they look similar (idk)? It's absolutely terrifying to think that such young people can get hold of drugs and not even know what it is.

TreehouseTales · 15/11/2016 18:13

Gosh I only knew 1 person who had tried it when I was at school. I be super shocked if mine did when they're older. I'm going to find this hard aren't I...

winterisnigh · 15/11/2016 18:14

The alcohol is probably less harmful just advise her to go careful with it and know her limits

I couldn't disagree more and I think if op starts to say stuff like this it will alienate her dd even more. Alcohol may be the most damaging and dangerous drug there is.

winterisnigh · 15/11/2016 18:17

The thing is, I could give a long list of people who had a few spliffs and went onto hard drugs like herion. Or preferred stimulants and went onto coke addictions. I also know a few people who have lost their life to H and drink and more who nealry lost everything due to cocaine.

They were the exception and had major issues at home and with family, major issues. I know many more people who tried it - and moved on.

I think op needs to be really careful with her labels and her ideas.

winterisnigh · 15/11/2016 18:19

when I was a youngster DRUGS were everywhere.
Everyone was dealing but this is what I mean about the word dealer it was a young lad behind a bar who happened to have a few extra ounces to sell, everyone seemed to have a rock in their pocket, someones brother had something...and so on... the whole social scene was saturated with it. Yes there was a social scene for 16 year olds!

brasty · 15/11/2016 18:19

This is a girl who is normally well behaved. Making too big a deal of this will not help. Talk to her about the dangers, but be realistic about them. Don't talk about scare stories that she knows is not true.

YuckYuckEwwww · 15/11/2016 18:21

Rosie I'm not missing the point, go in all "what happened to you? are you terribly unhappy? why are you doing this? who made you do this?" and you won't get far. Teens do it because it's enjoyable, it feels nice. And they don't necessarily believe the hype about the DANGERS as presented by adults who are painting a picture that does not match up to what they're seeing in their peers

Those of us saying it's common aren't saying it's harmless, it can do a lot of harm, but fact is the OPs child peers who are doing it might not have experienced any negative impacts of it yet so if you go in guns blazing about how damaging it is, she's just going to look at her peers and think "they're all fine, mums talking rubbish!" - so you need to discuss the risks and harm but not in a black and white way, understand that yes, lots of people do it and appear fine, but actually….

brasty · 15/11/2016 18:21

Feeding her habit? FFS there is absolutely no evidence that she has a drug habit. This kind of thinking pushes teenagers into worse behavior. Better be slayed for a sheep than a lamb.

blessedmummyov5 · 15/11/2016 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

winterisnigh · 15/11/2016 18:28

totally agree Yuk.

smoking joints is FUN, drinking is FUN.

randomer · 15/11/2016 18:35

weed nearly ruined everything for my son.....very nearly.

ImAMoving · 15/11/2016 18:42

Sorry but I didn't try weed as a teenager, and I think out of a large group of friends only one did, we were normal kids not super religious or anything. There is a difference between trying and continuously taking/buying from a dealer.

ImAMoving · 15/11/2016 18:43

But the being drunk, I would say that is normal par for the course, and of course I hid that from my mum, as well as staying at my boyfriends house!

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