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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas is cancelled

166 replies

littlepinkfizz · 15/11/2016 15:38

Hi my 16 year old is a lovely ,innocent looking girl. She does well at school and is mostly fine at home. However she has been lying to us without us even knowing, going out with her friends during the summer,coming home early but it appshe has been taking cannabis and has previously been drunk on several occasions. She denies all to the point that we have doubted ourselves and I have felt guilty. But after staying out all night and refuting tell us where she was she was grounded and pocket money stopped.
She went out to a community youth group that she does volunteer work with as part of her Duke of Ed, She returned home and headed up to her room saying her friend's mum had dropped her home( I had left this girl home the previous week). Later I noticed a small package on the stairs.. herbal cannabis. She eventually confessed that she had arranged herself to meet the dealer and buy it herself . She smoked it but her friend ( a different one ) did not.She says her friends don't do drugs. She does not seem remorseful and we have even offered to get her s counselker to speak to and are waiting to have one get back to us. She said she would speak to one.

I have got her about half of what I usually spend on her and her older sisters for Christmas already, but do not feel that it would be correct to
reward her with what she normally gets due to her recent behaviour.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MakeItStopNeville · 15/11/2016 16:18

Seeing as Christmas isn't for another 6 weeks or something, I would take that out of the equation altogether. It does strike me as a little, "We don't love you quite as much as your siblings as your behavior isn't perfect".

She's talking to you and that's a good sign. Drinking and weed are normal teenage behaviors at 16, whether we like it or not. You can try the scare tactics of what damage she's doing to her body but much better to get to the heart of why she needs the escape. And, above all, accept she's growing up and will make different choices to you and love her anyway.

motherinferior · 15/11/2016 16:19

There's a difference between the odd spliff and hanging out in the local crack house.

BeccaAnn · 15/11/2016 16:20

smoking weed and having a drink or two is fine, getting drunk often and arranging to meet a dealer is a whole other thing. I wouldn't cancel Xmas but a serious talk with your DD about what she's getting into is needed. (having been there done that but avoided the criminal record myself)

there are serious ramifications for not only her health but also future prospects when it comes to work and higher/ further education. ground her and stop pocket money. talk to the other children's parents too, and possible school/ college as they will be used to dealing with it.

Good Luck.

Original poster
littlepinkfizz · 15/11/2016 16:20

Thanks clarshu and monkeyface

Appreciate all your replies which have swayed my opinion now.

I will talk to her about trust and how much we love her( already did this at the time but just to reinforce it) She said she couldn't tell us why she was taking drugs except that she was unhappy and didn't feel we would understand. We told her to try us but she declined so we suggested someone neutral,like a counsellor who could help her with any issues she might have,and she has agreed to this.

We all love her so much and it is really difficult trying to strike a balance. TBH it was the deceit which has upset us most.

OP posts:
winterisnigh · 15/11/2016 16:21

Maybe ops DD doesnt need the escape but just enjoys it at the moment like millions of other people incl teenagers, however if op wants to come down hard on her, punish her - turn this into a massive deal, and go OTT then for sure her dd will be running to it, I know I WOULD BE.

I wouldnt think - poor mum and dad its right to punish and make it a crap xmas for me , single me out as the bad guy.....and everyone look down on me and shun me....I would think - this is crap where is the nearest joint and drink I can get y hands on

YuckYuckEwwww · 15/11/2016 16:23

I think you've shown her why she needs to lie:

Instead of opening a dialogue and speaking to her like a 16 year old, your reaction to the situation has been you wanting to punish her like a little child. That's why she lies. I would if I were her.

And I agree that this is serious and you need to allow her to be frank with you without judgement, yes we all snuck about and drank and smoked weed at 16, but only a handful of my peers actually approached dealers themselves, that's a whole different level

dybil · 15/11/2016 16:24

As OP already now appreciated, withholding Xmas gifts would be unfair.

I dabbled as a kid, despite being otherwise very well-behaved and studious. I think its probably normal to try weed between ages 16-18.

To me, a counselor seems highly unnecessary unless there is something else going on. I also dont know how effective temporarily grounding her would be.

What I would suggest is that you let her carry on as normal except that, when she comes home from an evening out, she has to come speak to you and can't go straight to her room. Hard to get shitfaced if you know you're going to have to speak to mom in an hour or two...

BrillianaHarvey · 15/11/2016 16:26

As others have said, adventures with alcohol and cannabis are pretty standard for this age. Staying out all night and refusing to say where she's been isn't.
If her schoolwork is going well and you haven't noticed major behavioural changes then I think your main concern is to stop things getting out of control. Keeping channels of communication open is going to be key; as is encouraging her to feel that you are on her side and that your concerns are for her safety and wellbeing rather than about insisting that she keeps to your 'rules', which she will dismiss as arbitrary/unfair/out of touch/whatever.
Can you make her feel that she can open up to you without your being judgemental? If at all possible, you need to get a feel for whether she is doing what her friends do or whether there is something going on to make her push boundaries beyond what is normal in her peer group.
It would also be helpful to agree on some ground rules with her, on the basis that you are motivated by your parental responsibility for her. E.g.: you must always know where she is; she must be contactable by phone; she needs to tell the truth about her movements. Explain, if you like, that you want to support her fully as she transitions into adulthood: that you want to help her to have more freedom but at the same time to protect her from making poor choices, particularly during these important next couple of years.
Sending you lots of good vibes. It's not going to be easy.

biscuitbadger · 15/11/2016 16:26

I agree with others that cancelling Christmas as a punishment would be counterproductive.

I don't know how I'll handle this stuff when mine are teenagers. My parents were strict with me, I was a 'good' teenager but still drank a lot and smoked weed sometimes. And I never told them, I just lied and snuck about. As a result I think I was lucky I never ended up in trouble, I was in some dodgy situations at times and only had the perspective of my friends thinking it was fine, or my parents who were very black and white and disapproved of everything.

I wish for my kids that they'll be able to talk to me about these things and I'll be able to keep perspective and be supportive while also maintaining boundaries... (I hope that's possible, it sounds like a fine line to tread.)

hazell42 · 15/11/2016 16:27

I work with young people and would say at least 50% (Probably more like 70%) of 16 year olds have at least tried smoking weed and drinking alcohol. Didn't you? Cancelling Christmas will cause a terrible atmosphere, and ruin Christmas for you, her and the rest of the family. She will never forget, its true, but she's unlikely to forgive either. Most young people grow out of this phase. She will too.

user1479139212 · 15/11/2016 16:27

I think drinking alcohol and smoking weed is pretty typical teenager stuff to be honest.

She has told you what she is doing and she knows you're disappointed but I think cancelling Christmas is a little but OTT.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't be happy if my daughter were doing these things but I wouldn't get too worked up unless I thought it was affecting her life or becoming a problem.

Mishegoss · 15/11/2016 16:28

I'm far off this age with my own kids so I don't know exactly how I'd handle it until it's thrown at me but I would say keep the lines of communication open and try not to over react or be too strict.
My parents made it very clear when I was growing up that I could talk to them about anything and there wasn't any judgement. I could talk about sex and puberty and confide in my mum when a bunch of my friends had started smoking weed and drinking whisky one of the boys had taken from his dad when we were only 13! I didn't join in and I think it's because my parents had always been open, I had all the facts about drugs and alcohol and I didn't feel I needed to do that. I also knew that if I had done it my parents wouldn't scream and shout and throw me out, they'd just be disappointed and that seemed worse. I don't think being overly strict and cancelling Christmas will do any of you any good.

winterisnigh · 15/11/2016 16:29

I must say I also dislike the framing of it - she looks innocent is a good girl etc.

To me its perfectly normal for some teenagers to not partake in drugs and its normal for some to try them. People who go onto develop addictions are not bad people either, they have other issues.

elodie2000 · 15/11/2016 16:33

This hasn't got anything to do with Christmas! Your DD has gone off the rails and needs your support to get back on track.
Of course you're furious but it's a bit odd to say Christmas is cancelled.
She needs to know that her behaviour has to change but I wouldn't pin this change on Christmas/ gifts.

winterisnigh · 15/11/2016 16:35

good post brilliana.

elodie this is far from going off the rails.

myfavouritecolourispurple · 15/11/2016 16:36

Didn't we all dabble in alcohol and weed at that age?

No.

OP I think punishment and Christmas need to be separate and I would not change anything that you were going to do for Christmas before you found this out.

However, I'm not sure how to deal with either the drugs or the lying, I am sure that someone will be along with sensible advice. However, she is going out and buying it, which is more than dabbling. Dabbling for me is trying it out at a party. So I think needs help. Your GP may be able to advise, or maybe pastoral support at school - they may even have helpful links on their website.

elodie2000 · 15/11/2016 16:39

winter Offtrack/ off the rails - Use whatever expression you like to use to describe someone who has got into a pattern of lying/ making mistakes.

Jaxhog · 15/11/2016 16:39

Why not ask her what she thinks the punishment should be?

winterisnigh · 15/11/2016 16:40

it depends who she is buying it from, all sorts of people sell it at that age ie not a hardened dealer with guns etc.....it could be someone she knows really well, who dabbles in dealing, friend which doesnt make it so scary to buy!

I mean I have heard of dealers in a town near us - who work out of several flats side by side in some block and they have proper look outs, guns, etc, this was a long time ago and I never knew or cared much exactly were but I heard people mentioning it many times. If she is venturing into this scenario I would be far more worried, than say - James brother - who works behind the bar in the pub and sells some of his own to his friends!

winterisnigh · 15/11/2016 16:40

elodie I think your being massively dramatic here. Its hardly a pattern of lying and making mistakes.

Pollyanna9 · 15/11/2016 16:41

"Most teens will dabble in weed". I don't agree that that's an acceptable baseline. Fait acompli - nah.

Sohardtochooseausername · 15/11/2016 16:41

My mother completely freaked out when I was 15-16 about me dabbling with cannabis. As a result, I got more secretive about it. While I was at school it was something all the people I hung about with did and it didn't interfere with our ability to perform in exams etc. It was just a bit of fun. I went a bit haywire when I went to university because there was so much of it around (and other drugs), ended up dropping out and needing some counselling... But in the end I was better and got a great degree at a different university, went onto have a successful career, buy a house, have a lovely DD etc.

So it doesn't necessarily mean the end of the world but it can have an impact if it's not managed well. But she needs the tools to do that, and it won't come from being punished. She'll be wanting to feel like you're empathising with her, wanting to work with her.

I'd be more worried that she is talking to dealers herself. Try to stay calm and look at the Frank website together, have a chat about what it's like to be in her shoes. And take it from there one day at a time. The last thing you want is for her to feel she has to hide things from you.

OldBootNewBoots · 15/11/2016 16:42

i agree with all the advice saying not to punish her around Christmas. I also think counselling is a very good idea, I had some as a teen and it helped quite a bit. I also think you need to think about how you improve the overall quality of the relationship - hard to do when they're lying etc but all relationships have to be worked at and counter-intuitively, bonding without relaxing any boundaries might be something to think about.

leccybill · 15/11/2016 16:43

The drugs thing is the clincher.

But the other stuff- meh, I was a straight A student throughout but still sneaked off to nightclubs and raves age 16 (and under).

Do her older sisters know? What do they think?

VickieCherry · 15/11/2016 16:43

16 is exactly the age that kids experiment with drink and drugs, so that's no surprise at all. I was 15 when I started and was all rebelled out by 18. It's also exactly when kids lie - they're testing boundaries and don't want to tell their parents about their lives, to increase the distance and make starting their own adult life easier.

I agree with the previous two posters - keep things friendly and make it clear you care about her and want to know she's safe, rather than flying off than handle and punishing her. She already knows you don't approve. A counsellor may be a good idea, but it won't do any good if she's resistant. Keep an eye on her school work and peer group - if either start to worry you further action is needed, but for now I'd let her be.