Christmas is cancelled

[littlepinkfizz]

Hi my 16 year old is a lovely ,innocent looking girl. She does well at school and is mostly fine at home. However she has been lying to us without us even knowing, going out with her friends during the summer,coming home early but it appshe has been taking cannabis and has previously been drunk on several occasions. She denies all to the point that we have doubted ourselves and I have felt guilty. But after staying out all night and refuting tell us where she was she was grounded and pocket money stopped.
She went out to a community youth group that she does volunteer work with as part of her Duke of Ed, She returned home and headed up to her room saying her friend's mum had dropped her home( I had left this girl home the previous week). Later I noticed a small package on the stairs.. herbal cannabis. She eventually confessed that she had arranged herself to meet the dealer and buy it herself . She smoked it but her friend ( a different one ) did not.She says her friends don't do drugs. She does not seem remorseful and we have even offered to get her s counselker to speak to and are waiting to have one get back to us. She said she would speak to one.

I have got her about half of what I usually spend on her and her older sisters for Christmas already, but do not feel that it would be correct to
reward her with what she normally gets due to her recent behaviour.

AIBU?

I disagree most teens do not dabble in drugs

Al I can say here is from my experience. I had a 'golden' childhood, but years later on MN I would post regularly on the stately homes thread, so what did I know back then? I drank a bit and tried to smoke weed. Wasn't very good at smoking as it made me sick, so at college I bought speed and got quite into that. Bought it off a dealer, one of my classmates. Took it all through my A levels, got them all, went off to uni. Not proud of it, but not really bothered by it iyswim. Never had drugs since. I used to like a glass or two of wine, but gave all alcohol up about 18months ago.

This is a longish life-I'm 48, good career, 2 amazing primary age DC. Perspective allows me to look back and shrug. I was a 'good' girl all my young life, even when taking speed. I knew I wasn't really into it, but I thought I'd take it for a bit. I knew it wasn't the answer, what ever the bloody question was.

I suppose I'm saying that what saved me(narc mother aside) was my basic sense of security from the family I had, particularly a loving father and siblings, and my basic good common sense upbringing.

Be there for her, my mother never ever was, I had to struggle through lots of things on my own, and I don't mean the drugs. Be there for her, tell her you love her, tell her that until you are sick of hearing it. She might pretend that she's sick of it too, but deep down she won't be. All that and boundaries for her, big boundaries about what you find acceptable and what you do not, and you'll be ok.

disclaimer...I may be projecting a teeny bit

Peppermintpasty best answer xx

Whilst I accept this is a shock to you, I'm guessing you have led a fairly sheltered life (from the way you refer to "herbal cannabis" and "taking cannabis")...
My first response when I read this was "omg, it's not crack!"
Whilst cannabis has been proven to have some affect on development when smoked a lot during teen years, it is not a hard drug and it is not addictive on its own. If she was out taking pills or powders then I would be very concerned. But a lot of kids dabble with weed during their teens and early twenties and then go onto lead perfectly normal and respectable lives.
All I can say to you is: calm down and be glad that she is talking to you about it. And at 16 if you really want to put her off doing it then maybe join her for a spliff - because no teenager ever wants to do what their parents are doing

Not all kids "dabble" in illegal drugs. Your child knows and has met a drug dealer. That is not okay and I'm shocked some people on the thread are normalising it ...

Christmas is a separate issue. I wouldn't use a family occasion like that to punish / make her feel excluded but her behaviour does sound quite worrying OP.

Toffee we don't know what kind of "drug dealer" she means here. A lot of people on here clearly have visions of some heroin-pushing seedy adult corrupting their young but in reality it's more likely to be some guy from the local sixth form whose brother grows it in his attic to make extra cash. She's only 16 ffs!
Alcohol is very addictive though, and yet most teenagers 'dabble' in that without getting more than a grounding or losing their pocket money. People need to get some perspective here!

Onlymeeee spot on

Excellent post about who actually is this dealer - my money's on a friend of a friend rather than a crack house.

Mind you round where I live the police have rather more to worry them than a teenager smoking the odd joint. I take the point that it's much stronger these days but it's still cannabis, not crack cocaine - and no, there is not an inevitable descent into Reefer Madness. I and most of my friends are really quite respectable middle-aged adults.

Quite normal where I grew up, my parents never cancelled Christmas thankfully. I don't think I turned out too bad either

Having been in your daughters position OP, I wouldn't go in both barrels and definitely wouldn't cancel christmas, it's not fair imo.
Just to give you a view from the other side more than anything, most teenagers dabble in drink and cannabis, alcohol being more common but in the area I grew up in/live in it is more common to go out and get stoned with your friends than it is to get rat arsed in a park. If you have an open and honest relationship with your DD it is easier for her to tell you things, my parents are very relaxed (but firm, not these parents that just don't give a fuck) and even my friends would prefer to open up to my mum rather than their own because 1. my mum wouldn't punish them and 2. she was willing to advise as best she could without judgement, so I think a councilor/trusted family friend etc would be best for your DD, but I would also be inclined to say that you don't pry on what has been discussed as it is often very difficult to speak to your parents about things because you're so worried about disappointing them, just give her some space and support without being overbearing. I cant begin to understand how you feel OP but I do know how your DD feels, and all I can do is reassure you that we do get past issues etc with a little help and flourish into wonderful, "normal" human beings.

It does seem that people on this thread are normalising weed . Just because you or your friends have tried it, doesn't make it right. Funny enough, I was never tempted by drugs at that age (I wasn't a follower) and still up to now (whilst I was at University)..I actually pitied my friends who wasted so much money on weed/ drugs.

I'll be more concerned about the people she hangs out with OP, educate her about drugs etc. Don't get me started on dealers.

lots of people grow cannabis now doesnt mean theyre heroin dealers

not thats the point but where did she get money from its not exactly cheap

crazyspaniellady Will you be saying that when they get caught and end up in prison ? They should get normal jobs !

I'd spend the remaining budget of your xmas pressies for her on things you can do together ( building up a relationship damaged by her lying to you, spending quality time together) paid for movie tickets( not a pass...they have a resale value), etc weekend away etc rather than 'stuff' she can and might sell on . That way Xmas is still lovely, you get to spend time with her, she doesn't feel pushed away, but there is no high end stuff to sell off.

Good luck, it's a tough call x

onlyMeeeee...not addictive ! Are you kidding me ? Of course it is ! I had a friend who would literally shake if she didn't get some dope, she was totally dependent on it.

Reading your post my main concern would be the fact she has put herself in dangerous situations and lied to you about her whereabouts. She sounds a sensible girl who will undrrstand, although may not like it, that until you can trust her that where she says she is is where she will be you will need to keep track of her. I would focus on this for now and rebuild trust. This should then help you to have an honest chat with her. Do you have stories from your own young adulthood to share? Show more of an interest in her general circle of friends, whose dating who etc. Most girls like to talk about their friends love life's and if she starts opening up about them she may be more honest about other things.

I'd ground her then watch a documentary about how drugs can really mess you up together and use it as a discussion tool.
Tell her you love her and want the best for her and tell her that drugs are for wimps is she a wimp? - she'll hate that!
I taught my kids to humiliate anyone offering them drugs by laughing at them.
Harsh? Hell yes. And it worked.

I never dabbled in alcohol or weed as a teenager and not as an adult. I do not also believe withholding things teens are use too is a bad idea.
I don't have a teenager so not the best to give advice. I wouldn't know what to do either in that situation just wanted to let you know you are not alone.
Sending big hugs

The latest figures show that about 38% of 16-24 year olds have tried an illegal substance, the vast majority cannabis so whilst it's not a majority behaviour, about a third of young people do.

Interestingly the generation above (25-40ish) have higher rates, around 45+% which is why it may seem more 'normal', as one in two of them have used illegal substances.

I agree with you OP, her brain is what would worry me. Talk to her about the downside of the drugs - this is why you are concerned. Drugs can make you feel amazing, but it comes at a price. Don't ignore the upside. Drugs however steal the joy of tomorrow and spend it today. That can leave tomorrow even worse.

Talk to her too about risk assessing her situation (a 'dealer' can get caught and so can she) and any situation she is going to get involved with. Risk assessing something and not getting swept up in something is a good skill for life.

Don't however get hysterical. They don't send you down a one way street to addiction and hell, that, comes from within: so keep talking.

I would however let her know that ultimately, drugs make you boring. What is worse They make boring people seem interesting, what a waste of time and energy.

Hi. This could almost be myself writing about my own daughter. You are not alone.
Because I can no longer trust my own daughter with hard cash and because her recent behaviour has- in my opinion - been so appalling, I am buying her very little this Christmas. I really wanted to open up a bank account for her but now I think I'll just get her some pens and pencils for her GCSE revision next year.....
I'm letting my daughter follow her own path and sadly, but hopefully, she'll learn the hard way.

notgivingin I said it's not addictive on its own. Mix it with tobacco and you can have serious withdrawals because nicotine is highly addictive. It amazes me how upset people get about a teenager trying something like weed, but they'll brush past the topic of alcohol and tobacco which are far more dangerous and addictive.
You may have known one person who had an addiction problem but I have known HUNDREDS who have used cannabis recreationally without addiction, who have degrees and good jobs and secure happy families. The alcohol industry has done a great job in demonising one of the safest recreational substances out there. Yes, there will be people who have suffered from abusing it and it doesn't mix well with certain mental health issues (if there is a history of these then of course it should be avoided, just as you should avoid drinking too much caffeine if you have heart problems) but there are far worse things for a teenager to be 'messing around with' and freaking out about this particular one isn't going to help anyone, least of all OP's daughter.

who have degrees and good jobs and secure happy families...what does that got to do with anything . There are many famous actors, who are successful, rich...but they do drugs (doesn't make it ok though).

Yes I do think weed can be addictive on its own, I know of many people who are highly dependent on it, it's actually disgusting. I mentioned that one friend because we were really close (and I hanged out with her a lot) and the weed did fuck her up.

I feel the same way about alcohol too (I don't even drink!).

I don't think the OP will freak it, but I don't blame her if she did, I think she needs to educate her daughter about the effects of drugs, keep an open relationship and so forth.

No correlation between Christmas and her behaviour, though I understand how you do not currently feel like showering her with gifts. Additionally, Xmas is ages away!

I would be far more concerned with her lying than the cannabis and would suggest lots of talking along the lines of her personal safety and family trust.